mj8607

Hello all, I am new here, but I am an adult child of an addict and have some questions for people on this forum.

I've found that the traits I learned growing up has always seriously effected my relationships. I was married to a psychologically abusive man (very much like my father) who didn't help that cycle or those insecurities I have. I am now in what has got to be the healthiest relationship in my life with an amazing man who is very understanding and supportive, even though he did not grow up the same way.

I find myself still second guessing everything and constantly pulling back when I feel upset. Today I got upset because he didn't text me while he was on lunch, the entire morning emailing back and forth didn't matter at that point because he said he would text me. The real kicker is I didn't even notice until I went to lunch. I instantly became upset and felt hurt and disappointed. I know this is a left over from the countless disappointments I've encountered, but I don't know how to appropriately express this without making it seem like he was in the wrong. I'm feeling better after just working through the afternoon, but now I'm home and don't know what to say or how to handle this.

Does anyone have any advice? I feel like I'm crazy sometimes, like these feelings are going to ruin the best thing that's happened to me (besides my daughter, lol).

Any advice or parables would be greatly appreciated!

NWGRITS

Are you seeing a therapist? That's the single best thing you can do for yourself, especially seeing as you are still in full-fledged codie mode. This isn't healthy if you're having this kind of reaction, and if he really is healthy and wonderful, he'll run for the hills once he starts getting smothered or the insecurity becomes the third person in your relationship. That's my best advice - find a therapist. I've been where you are and nothing changes if nothing changes.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!

I don't think you're crazy, growing up in a household of addiction can affect things, as mentioned therapy is a good idea, or simply sitting down and chatting can be a great way forward too!!

Kialua

I don't know that it does any good or is healthy to express all the anxiety to our spouses. If they haven't grown up with alcoholism and its problems they have no way of really understanding the affect it has on us. Best to find like-minded groups or therapists to unload on. Working through these feelings rationally, piece by piece with my higher power was my key. I found that I was depending too much on a mere human being to fulfill my needs and understand me. That's a great burden to place on a person.

makomago

Hi... No advice or parables of wisdom from me

However, I identify with what you've written. I've just been through a period of feeling crazy, lost and confused following a period of 'flying high on my very own, super comfortable, super charged serenity cloud'.

What I've taken as the lesson of my recent 'crash' is that my normal reactions to an abnormal upbringing do not suit me very well today. My traits and flawed thinking perpetuates my pain. I'm still bringing the same fears and self doubt learned from childhood into my adult interactions. I behave as an adult child.

I'm continuing in my quest for recovery in the 12 step fellowship of ACA, I've added a therapist to my personal tool kit... I'm still a little stuck in the over reading of self help books and fellowship texts. THis might be a mistake on my part as its the opposite to suggestions I've found that have worked, namely;

Take it easy, baby steps, one day a time.

I say its the opposite because when I read too many self help books I lose focus on the problem and try to fix everything at once. That is not taking it easy, it's exhausting. It's not baby steps, it's been too harsh on myself. I can't simply fix all my problems in one hit (excuse the pun); its unrealistic!

BTW... I do have about 4 books on the go, which I'm dipping in and out of (almost?) compulsively :-)

I am reminded of a reading in the Big Red Book (I will keep reading this one btw and its not included in the 4 above)...

"We can re-experience powerlessness in our daily lives as we try to fix our current relationships based on old ideas of feeling helpless and hopeless..."

"We also change our behaviour in our current relationships: however the key words are gradually and slowly and come from the Twelve Promises. Promise Eleven states: With help from our ACA support group, we will slowly release our dysfunctional behaviours".... "Promise Twelve states: Gradually with our HP help, we learn to expect the best and get it".

Be well

ajarlson

I second NWGRITS. Therapy! I am involved with an absolutely wonderful man who knows my story. I don't share every anxious moment with him though. In fact, when I get upset at something he might do or say I find it very helpful to not talk about it immediately. I think about it, put it in context, put my feeling in his context. He was a bachelor for a long time and sometimes just doesn't think about what he's doing but I know him and trust him more than I trust myself so I know he doesn't mean to hurt me. Then, when I am feeling less upset, I can tell him why I was upset (he knows because i become very quiet but I have told him that when that happens just wait, and I'll talk later LOL). When that happens we can have a real conversation and work through it to make the next time better. But the therapy has allowed me to be able to examine my feelings and analyze why I am feeling that way, it's usually because I'm just expecting to be lied to, or let down - which he has never done.

DoubleDragons

I remember when I was first married I would project a lot of crazy on to my husband. My mother turned everything into a giant, thought out conspiracy, so I would always accuse my husband of outlandish things when almost always there were valid, simple reasons for the things that he said and did. One time he said to me, "I am sorry, DD, but I don't think that way," when I accused him of some silly passive aggressive move I thought that he had done. My mother has always been the biggest black hole of need in my orbit. I never wanted to be that to anyone in my life so when I start to experience myself in ultra-needy mode, I take a few steps back, do not react on anything until a good, long cool-down period and almost always, whatever I thought was monumental proves to be no big deal at all!

mj8607

Thank you so much to everyone who has posted!

A little more to my own backstory, I went through very intense inpatient therapy (for 11 months and 21 days) when I was 15-16, I've also been to a lot of outpatient therapy both for myself and my previous marriage. I am almost feeling therapied out for the moment. Not that I don't believe in it, I have taken a few years of classes in psychology and think everyone can benefit from it at some point, but I guess I just feel a little exhausted from it!

I was able to talk to him about it later and he was very supportive and understanding. He knows that I come with baggage and accepts that as part of me, so he knows things like this may happen. I am just so glad I have somewhere I can turn to get opinions and perspectives from people who do know what it is like!

Thank you to everyone who helped ☺️

NWGRITS

If you aren't into therapy right now, then maybe working the steps in al-anon? The 4th step inventory helped me so much.

ajarlson

Also, therapy for this might be different than for "working on yourself" so to speak. We tend to look at the world differently than most and a good therapist will help you unravel that based on your ACoA tendencies.

advbike

I found therapy very helpful (along with reading books by Tolle and DeMello) in understanding how our early emotional experiences create these filters that the ego uses when we experience life. If we come from dysfunctional families, our interpretation of things is simply wrong. My ego will blow things all out of proportion, creating crazy stories, emotions and thinking, if I allow it to. It really does help to recognize the patterns in our interpretation of events, as well as not reacting too quickly. Then just letting go, through meditation, or deep breathing, etc.

sisterbear

Have you ever thought of taking a course in mindfulness? It teaches you to live each moment in the present, letting go of the past and expectations of the future. This is something that has helped me in ways that therapy hadn't been able to.

blackwidowbaby

I can relate to your experience... And I agree with everyone suggesting therapy. It will be a nice safe controlled environment to share feelings. Good luck!