greeteachday

I think many of us found SR because we were trying to find ways to help our loved one. We soon realized that it was more effective to try to help ourselves. I remember being very confused when I would hear or read that it was important to do something for me...A bubble bath, a long walk, a night out. It made no sense to me at first.

In time I realized that doing something small for me accomplished a few things - it helped me not to obsess about my daughters. Even if just for a short time, when I was doing something for me, I stopped worrying about them. It also helped remind me of who I was before I became the frantic, nervous, isolated Mom I'd become since addiction came into my life. Each glimpse I got reminded me that I could find things to feel content about or sometimes even happy. And finally, it helped me to shift back to controlling what I should be controlling - me, my thoughts, my actions. I guess in a nut shell, I needed to relearn self care.

In the early days of working on me, other than an incredibly supportive Naranon group and SR, the things that helped me most included long walks - especially if I could take hike in the mountains or drive to the ocean and walk the beach. If I couldn't, I'd try to let my mind drift to times when I could. On work days, I'd make sure I went for a walk at lunch. Music also really helped me - listening to something uplifting makes it difficult to remain sad. I'm an avid reader, but early on I couldn't focus long enough - so short inspirational readings worked well.

And when things were at their worst and my worrying was through the roof, I would talk/pray out loud. For me, silent prayers or conversations with my God sometimes ended up with my brain shifting and the next thing I knew instead of prayers, I was obsessing. It's hard to make that brain shift when I prayed or had my chats with my God out loud. Sometimes I felt so paralyzed that all I could do was say the Serenity Prayer over and over out loud...but it worked!

Although these days I have no addiction in my home, I still use these and other tools to stay balanced and to regroup on sad days or days when life's stresses start to weigh heavily on me. I love reading about how others help themselves get back on track...What works for you?

chicory

Thanks Greeteachday.. there is help and hope for us sufferers, maybe not all that we would wish to accomplish, but we learn what it is that we can change.
That change can bring welcome peace to soothe our souls.

chicory

Seren

Oy! The walking that my husband I used to do when his son was out 'running and gunning'! We must have logged hundreds of miles, but it did help.

I need to get back out walking again

Twofish

Yes, I cannot control what is not mine to control...to fix or to heal.
But I can direct all this negative energy, obsession and fear over a relapse
onto something or someone else...taking care of me. If my beloved
AD falls, I can't save or fix or even pick her up. She would just run wild
again. I'm not going backwards and getting frozen again.
I have other children whose needs are approachable and fixable, like
"I love you " or "what's for dinner?" Or simply "how was school?".
Regroup the negative energy, the obsessive "what iffing" over and onto
a child I can approach or help. After all, not ALL my children or grandchild are addicts.
They remain standing tall and walking to me, asking only for my love, which
I had almost forgot about. That alone regroups me into the now, the happy
"Today" not the dark painful past or uncertain future that addiction bring to me.
Addiction really knows how to harm me, I have to stay a few steps ahead of
its path. I think I'm gonna go hug my child right now, that will renew the joy and
hope that addiction has drained from me.
TF
TF

INgal

My "happy place" is dancing in my Zumba class at the gym. For a solid hour I don't have to think about where we have been and where we are going with our son. In fact, any class at the gym brings relief.

Morning Glory

Twofish, Your post shows so much growth!
I hope you give yourself credit for working so hard.

Turtle82

I'm retired, a 100% introvert (that means my personality type) and, so, am quite reclusive and used to living in my head most of the time. That natural state can snowball into obsessing in a heart beat so I depend pretty heavily on mental activities to take care of me and redirect my mind. Physical things like walks and baths have never done it for me. I'll just use those quiet times to obsess even more! Plus I'm limited these days in what I can do physically. It has to be something that engages my mind. I depend pretty heavily on computer games to "take me away" or puzzles of pretty much all kinds. I also get busy cleaning and/or arranging the house. That's something that's always there and a dependable distraction... plus the bonus of a clean, sparkly, house!!! But, I do enjoy it too or it wouldn't work for me. A confession of sorts... I mean who enjoys housework? Well, I do. Maybe its because as a single, working, mom I never had enough time to devote to it so love doing it now... who knows.. but I like it. These two things I do for myself have become a sort of code in our house. When I say I need to play a few levels of a game or clean house Hubby knows I'm stressing over something. Thanks for this thread... I'll enjoy seeing what others do for themselves.

greeteachday

Turtle, I too find release from extreme stress in cleaning and organizing. The only benefits I find of going through really stressful periods in life related to someone I love are that without effort I lose those extra 10 pounds I am always trying to shed and my house is clean and organized!

mayabee

I find that reading an engrossing novel helps me take my mind off my addict son. I also like crocheting and walking. As an introvert, I need alone time. However, there are times when being with other people is very helpful. Therefore, I also schedule activities outside my house, such as yoga classes, Spanish classes and a weekly Nar-anon meeting. Yoga engages body, mind and spirit for me and I always feel better after class. Learning a new language is challenging; trying to pronounce words correctly and remember Spanish vocabulary leaves no room in my head to obsess about my son. As for Nar-anon, it has truly saved me.

I still feel sad about how addiction has impacted my family, but doing things to take care of me helps.

GardenMama

Thanks for this thread, Greet. I go to yoga twice a week, take walks with a friend, my husband or alone, and yes, housecleaning helps me, too. My garden keeps me grounded in the summer, and when it is too cold outside, my 25+ houseplants are a great distraction. For the past two years on some evenings, I have been making cloth baskets while I watch a historical drama of some sort or other on tv--it really takes my mind off the things that are stressing me out. And since no one else in my family likes these shows, I get the room all to myself!

greeteachday

I took what I consider a pretty good size step out of my comfort zone and joined a yoga class that meets twice a week. I'm a pretty active person - gym, running, biking, swimming, hiking, etc. but I primarily train and do my activities solo. The yoga I have done for the most part is from books and videos. I started with a group once, but they were far more advanced then me and I felt self conscious and inadequate. No one made me feel this way but me, but because I couldn't get out of that zone in my head, I didn't reap the benefits of the class.

This time I am starting from the beginning and trying to remember it is "yoga practice" not "yoga perfect." Despite trying to focus on positive self talk, I was fairly nervous for the first class last night. I really enjoyed it and found the instructor to be patient and nonjudgmental which I know will help boost my confidence. There are so many things to try and to experience if I can just stop the negative voices in my head.

Turtle82

I just posted on another thread hoping to help someone muddle through when it came to me what I do for myself quite often actually. I make time to cry. On the surface that probably sounds like a bad thing but I don't see it that way. I've been being "strong" since childhood. I've been the "rock" others have learned to lean on because I was always the one they saw as being clear-headed and unemotional. Well, then I hit a wall.. either due to aging and less ability to hold it together or because it was a new situation I hadn't dealt with before... I don't know but I had to learn to not be so freakin "strong." I had to learn to cry both privately and in front of those close to me. Those of you who have been the "strong one" know what I'm talking about and I'm really only sharing with you... repeating... make time to cry. Let yourself be afraid. Let yourself feel like a victim of the situation.. not people of course.. if it fits. In a way, its all true and there's no shame in admitting to yourself that that's how it feels. The old saying is: The truth will set you free.... and, in my experience, its true. So, I've learned that the main way to take care of myself is to allow myself to feel those normal, human, emotions that go along with what I'm walking through and not judge myself for having them. I have to keep my worst fears private, of course, for the welfare of my loved one with a medical condition but I don't allow those fears to sneak up on me at the worst possible time. I do that by making time to cry. Its a great way of releasing the pressure build up. We can't be perfect. We can't be saints. We're going to experience fear and feel victimized. Recognize and accept it and cry if you need to. That's what I do anyway.

ardy

Hi all I need you so much... have been at the hospital with my Ed.. new Doctor's 1 for pain and 1 for his brain tissue and 1 for his mind... it's been too long of a day already.. at least they are all in agreement no more meds for pain or phantom pain or just meds.. they do realize that the car accident has made a problem with his thinking.. he has been self centered in me I and mine .. never a we or ours or us together... feel that this is why god had women have the children...

at least for the next hour I am here at work by myself.. Andy has gone to lunch. so I can cry and no one around...
I am so tried.. have tried for so many years to get Ed in a balance..know that only the person can balance themself... but at least he is still alive at least for now... but not how I thought I would see our lives in 2010-and on... I always hoped he would get better. at least a little...

now its lawyers doctors and car accident balance i have to take on.. besides his mental state... I want the year 1992 back please.. please God help me.. ardy...

DoubleDragons

Turtle, I read once that tears are God's natural release valves. I relate to being "the strong one, the wise one." Even last night my big, burly, masculine husband said, "Lead me." It gets so exhausting.

One of the biggest lessons I learned here is that to accept abuse is a form of self abuse. I am trying so hard to look out for "little DD" these days. I have always stood up for others, but rarely for myself.

ardy

Thank you to so many... for the tears do help wash so much to the way...ardy

Seren

Ardy

I'm so sorry that it's been such a lousy day. That's an awful lot going on! I wish I had some wise advice, but know that we care!

Hope your evening is peaceful and you both can get a decent night's rest!

GardenMama

Turtle, your "make time to cry" suggestion reminded me of articles I had seen about tears, the second one on this list, and the others are just for more info.

How do you do that? Watch a sad movie? Or just let things build up as they do and then let the tears fall as they like?

The artist on the third link is quite something--gives tears a whole new meaning!

ScienceIQ.com

The Microscopic Structures of Dried Human Tears | Science | Smithsonian

Rose-Lynn Fisher /Topography of Tears

Turtle82

Thank you GardenMama. That's fascinating and I see why it works now. I just let them come naturally not trying, as was my usual, to avoid them. I never knew I needed to cry so had things bottled up in me. Now I know my own personal cues. What usually works for me is I just go off by myself and start talking to God from my heart.. you know... usually telling Him I don't feel strong enough to handle this by myself. Soon I find them flowing so I figure He wants them to. After crying I do actually feel stronger because I'm more at peace. Remembering my Mom who's passed usually brings them too... good ones. I guess everyone will have their own buttons.

That's a good idea about movies. I have some heart-string ones... not sad but touching. I'm remembering some youtubes I've seen that made me cry laughing. The babies and animals get to me that way.

irisgardens

Thank you turtle...i am an introvert too...it is, however, the talk of tears that helps. I had to go to therapy at age 40 to learn how to cry...so much of what you have talked about in your post...applies to me. I get so tired having to be the strong one. In learning to cry...it helped me to process the grief from my infant son's death and my therapist explained to me things that are similar to GardenMama's article. So, maybe the crying is good..and I can start to embrace it again...

KariSue

I really appreciate my Girl's Night Out once a week. Both friends I go with know my situation and we don't talk much about it unless I bring it up...which is rare. I go to get 'away from it all.' We all say it is our 'therapy' as all families have some problems even if it isn't drugs or alcohol.

I also watch my granddaughter after school as I am retired now. That gets me doing other things. After she finishes her homework we do things like going to the park, the library, bowling or just staying home and playing on the word processor or chilling. She is such a treasure. She's 9. She says some of the funniest or most insightful things sometimes. She gets me out of my head!

Kari