Coming face to face with alcoholism
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: canada
Posts: 748
Coming face to face with alcoholism
I will have 90 days of sobriety tomorrow, and I think this week I had an experience that showed me part of the true nature of my alcoholism for perhaps the first time.
I deal with a lot of denial with this disease. Deep down I sometimes feel like I'm different from other people and maybe don't even really have that big of a problem because my sobriety has been relatively easy compared to others along with how quickly cravings have passed.
Just this week while preparing for some difficult step work, I became overwhelmed and felt a deep seated fear that I might drink to deal with the work that was required. What came up for me for the first time is a strong feeling of need for alcohol as a real solution to a real problem. When I was honest, I realized that alcohol would be a short-term solution and that it would help me deal with the issues on a temporary basis.
This experience didn't come with any cravings or with any desire to feel warm and fuzzy, and it was in that moment that it felt like the scales fell off my eyes and I saw my alcoholism as a very deeply seated dependency penetrating to the very core of my being. I'm still processing this, but where I'm at now is that lack of cravings, number of days sober or having an easy go of it are no real measures of success or of whether or not I have a problem. There is something very real inside of me that has the potential to destroy me, and I must take it very seriously because it's a whole lot bigger than I ever thought. Denial is just one of the symptoms of its presence.
I deal with a lot of denial with this disease. Deep down I sometimes feel like I'm different from other people and maybe don't even really have that big of a problem because my sobriety has been relatively easy compared to others along with how quickly cravings have passed.
Just this week while preparing for some difficult step work, I became overwhelmed and felt a deep seated fear that I might drink to deal with the work that was required. What came up for me for the first time is a strong feeling of need for alcohol as a real solution to a real problem. When I was honest, I realized that alcohol would be a short-term solution and that it would help me deal with the issues on a temporary basis.
This experience didn't come with any cravings or with any desire to feel warm and fuzzy, and it was in that moment that it felt like the scales fell off my eyes and I saw my alcoholism as a very deeply seated dependency penetrating to the very core of my being. I'm still processing this, but where I'm at now is that lack of cravings, number of days sober or having an easy go of it are no real measures of success or of whether or not I have a problem. There is something very real inside of me that has the potential to destroy me, and I must take it very seriously because it's a whole lot bigger than I ever thought. Denial is just one of the symptoms of its presence.
I will NOT drink to that!
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Baltimore MD USA
Posts: 634
Amen!!!! I can so relate to you! I haven't had much withdrawals in the beginning, it even seemed very easy. I too questioned myself & wondered if I was really an alcoholic...until I looked at myself objectively & saw how much of an addictive personality I have. Addiction is real....
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