Need advice...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Need advice...
So this is sort of off topic...but I need some advice.
Almost a year ago to the day, there were some ugly words between my SIL and I about my BIL over stepping his boundaries. We had a family member in ICU, literally a life and death situation. I have a child who is VERY sensitive. My RAH and I were clear we were to be the ones taking our son in to see his grandma. Well, my BIL took it upon himself to ignore us and took my son in. Understandably, I was beyond mad. I was now dealing with a child who was distraught from what he saw and put into a bad position. My SIL started screaming at me in the hall of the waiting room, swearing and making a scene. I did respond back but kept it about the child and her husband over stepping his boundaries.
A couple of days had gone by and I truthfully was over it, ready to move on, I realized everyone's emotions were all over the board and holding grudges would do zero for any of us. I contacted my BIL and he promptly let me know that his wife would talk to me when I apologized to her. Um...that wasn't about to happen. I didn't expect one, nor was I giving one. I tried over the last year, on several occasions, to reach out and got zero to very little response.
These were the ONLY 2 people who knew what had been happening at my house. They KNEW how bad things were. And when they had some major issues in the past, I was there for them. I never turned my back on them or didn't stand by them. I felt so hurt and betrayed that she'd turn her back on me and just ruin our relationship over something so silly to be honest.
Fast forward through the hell of 2014, and another relative tells me I NEED to contact them, my SIL has had surgery and it appears has cancer. I tried to reach out, got zero response again. Well, I just sent my BIL a text, he says they'd both like to talk to me tonight after 5pm. Okay...here's where I need the advice. I'm not going to apologize and I don't expect one (I never have) but I want to be truthful with them about my past year. They have made some false accusations about me to other family members and I AM feeling a tad defensive. So....how do I start this conversation? It HAS to be done, the air NEEDS to be cleared....for my peace of mind more than anything else. I want to stand up for myself (which is new for me!!) and let them know, I'm not what they've portrayed me as the last year to others. A LOT has happened that they have zero clue about...but blame things on me. I take full ownership when I'm at fault. But I know they've been sitting back there waiting for me to call....and of course, I did, but it's not to apologize.
Okay, advice, needed. How do I start this conversation which will be difficult? I know my SIL will play the victim role....and I'm not willing to go there.
Almost a year ago to the day, there were some ugly words between my SIL and I about my BIL over stepping his boundaries. We had a family member in ICU, literally a life and death situation. I have a child who is VERY sensitive. My RAH and I were clear we were to be the ones taking our son in to see his grandma. Well, my BIL took it upon himself to ignore us and took my son in. Understandably, I was beyond mad. I was now dealing with a child who was distraught from what he saw and put into a bad position. My SIL started screaming at me in the hall of the waiting room, swearing and making a scene. I did respond back but kept it about the child and her husband over stepping his boundaries.
A couple of days had gone by and I truthfully was over it, ready to move on, I realized everyone's emotions were all over the board and holding grudges would do zero for any of us. I contacted my BIL and he promptly let me know that his wife would talk to me when I apologized to her. Um...that wasn't about to happen. I didn't expect one, nor was I giving one. I tried over the last year, on several occasions, to reach out and got zero to very little response.
These were the ONLY 2 people who knew what had been happening at my house. They KNEW how bad things were. And when they had some major issues in the past, I was there for them. I never turned my back on them or didn't stand by them. I felt so hurt and betrayed that she'd turn her back on me and just ruin our relationship over something so silly to be honest.
Fast forward through the hell of 2014, and another relative tells me I NEED to contact them, my SIL has had surgery and it appears has cancer. I tried to reach out, got zero response again. Well, I just sent my BIL a text, he says they'd both like to talk to me tonight after 5pm. Okay...here's where I need the advice. I'm not going to apologize and I don't expect one (I never have) but I want to be truthful with them about my past year. They have made some false accusations about me to other family members and I AM feeling a tad defensive. So....how do I start this conversation? It HAS to be done, the air NEEDS to be cleared....for my peace of mind more than anything else. I want to stand up for myself (which is new for me!!) and let them know, I'm not what they've portrayed me as the last year to others. A LOT has happened that they have zero clue about...but blame things on me. I take full ownership when I'm at fault. But I know they've been sitting back there waiting for me to call....and of course, I did, but it's not to apologize.
Okay, advice, needed. How do I start this conversation which will be difficult? I know my SIL will play the victim role....and I'm not willing to go there.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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This isn't off topic at all! We codies have major issues figuring out how to navigate complicated relationships.
Something I keep in my arsenal, "We can agree to disagree."
You can say something like, "At the time it was very important for us to do XYZ with our child, and we were angry that we expressed that to you and you ignored our wishes. This last year has been very painful and your absence was felt, and because I missed you and wanted to talk to you I have tried to make contact with you. I understand you are mad at me. However, I AM SORRY we have been fighting and want to have a peaceful and loving relationship with you."
But honestly, it sounds like they have some control issues themselves, such as setting up certain benchmarks that you must meet to have a relationship with them, triangulating family during a conflict with you to get them on their side, tainting the well, ignoring your wishes around your own children.
You don't have to reach consensus to have a relationship -- but that's if all parties can respect one another's autonomy. Say what you need to say, but leave your expectations at the door.
Something I keep in my arsenal, "We can agree to disagree."
You can say something like, "At the time it was very important for us to do XYZ with our child, and we were angry that we expressed that to you and you ignored our wishes. This last year has been very painful and your absence was felt, and because I missed you and wanted to talk to you I have tried to make contact with you. I understand you are mad at me. However, I AM SORRY we have been fighting and want to have a peaceful and loving relationship with you."
But honestly, it sounds like they have some control issues themselves, such as setting up certain benchmarks that you must meet to have a relationship with them, triangulating family during a conflict with you to get them on their side, tainting the well, ignoring your wishes around your own children.
You don't have to reach consensus to have a relationship -- but that's if all parties can respect one another's autonomy. Say what you need to say, but leave your expectations at the door.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Florence has put it better than I could. Remember, they were probably dealing with grief, themselves, and maybe not thinking clearly when they took your son in and when they flipped out when you confronted them.
You don't have to get the whole thing RESOLVED, in the sense of determining who was wrong and for what. And remember, right now they are dealing with very scary life circumstances, so if you insist on getting all the past issues resolved you are (a) likely to be disappointed, (b) likely to create further bad feelings.
Given the fact that this is the first time you're seeing them in a while, and their crisis is at the forefront, could you maybe let the other, past issue go and deal with it a bit later if you find you need to?
You don't have to get the whole thing RESOLVED, in the sense of determining who was wrong and for what. And remember, right now they are dealing with very scary life circumstances, so if you insist on getting all the past issues resolved you are (a) likely to be disappointed, (b) likely to create further bad feelings.
Given the fact that this is the first time you're seeing them in a while, and their crisis is at the forefront, could you maybe let the other, past issue go and deal with it a bit later if you find you need to?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Let me be clear, our beloved family member DID survive the situation and is now thriving. And at the time, I DID know that emotions were running extremely high and I acknowledged that.
As far as their current "crisis" it may or may not be true...the words drama mama come to mind when I think of this SIL. She is ALWAYS clouded in some sort of drama with someone. This is the 1st it's been me. It's usually me she calls to vent to and complain to. They still haven't confirmed to anyone that she has ever had cancer and are now avoiding almost all calls from other family members or will text saying they'll call later, but never do.
There is always a crisis with these two. I have been praying daily that it's NOT cancer, but the first reaction from most family members has been towards believing that it's being over blown.
It's a phone call I'm making, but I won't lie, I'm pretty nervous about it. I know that if I didn't reach out, this wouldn't be happening at all. And that is part of what I don't appreciate. I will fully explain my feelings, without judgement or blame, but I am not apologizing for something I didn't do wrong. I have already texted them both in the last 3 weeks to let them know I miss them, I'm sorry we haven't spoken, I love them and that I'm always here if they need anything. I got no response from either of them.
I'm really dreading this, but I know I will be at peace after it's done. Thanks for the input!
As far as their current "crisis" it may or may not be true...the words drama mama come to mind when I think of this SIL. She is ALWAYS clouded in some sort of drama with someone. This is the 1st it's been me. It's usually me she calls to vent to and complain to. They still haven't confirmed to anyone that she has ever had cancer and are now avoiding almost all calls from other family members or will text saying they'll call later, but never do.
There is always a crisis with these two. I have been praying daily that it's NOT cancer, but the first reaction from most family members has been towards believing that it's being over blown.
It's a phone call I'm making, but I won't lie, I'm pretty nervous about it. I know that if I didn't reach out, this wouldn't be happening at all. And that is part of what I don't appreciate. I will fully explain my feelings, without judgement or blame, but I am not apologizing for something I didn't do wrong. I have already texted them both in the last 3 weeks to let them know I miss them, I'm sorry we haven't spoken, I love them and that I'm always here if they need anything. I got no response from either of them.
I'm really dreading this, but I know I will be at peace after it's done. Thanks for the input!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You can always say something neutral like, "I'm sorry for all the bad feelings on both sides." That doesn't imply that you were responsible, but just that you're sorry it happened.
If they aren't responding to other family members, then maybe they really are focused on what feels to them like a crisis.
Either way, good luck!
If they aren't responding to other family members, then maybe they really are focused on what feels to them like a crisis.
Either way, good luck!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
I don't think this call will be about you at all, sped. It will be about SIL's surgery. Particularly if she adores drama as you mentioned above.
Let them lead the conversation. I bet they will fluff right over the year discord and get right down to how they need you. Remember you can say, "I need to think about that." "No" and "I'm not sure." If it gets ugly, you can also say, "I need to go. I'll be praying for you both" and hang up!
Let them lead the conversation. I bet they will fluff right over the year discord and get right down to how they need you. Remember you can say, "I need to think about that." "No" and "I'm not sure." If it gets ugly, you can also say, "I need to go. I'll be praying for you both" and hang up!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Some family situations are toxic, no matter what the reasons.
It sounds like you have already tried to mend the fence with them, and have been ignored repeatedly.
I don't know what is appropriate under the circumstances. this is your family and you know them better than I do.
It sounds like you have already tried to mend the fence with them, and have been ignored repeatedly.
I don't know what is appropriate under the circumstances. this is your family and you know them better than I do.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
if it has been bothering you so much and you repeatedly tried to make the situation better, were rebuffed each time, I honestly would not even make a big effort. it sounds like you dread being sucked back in.
the "he said, she said" will continue and maybe you are giving them more ammunition. who needs extra High Drama? These are your husbands sister and BIL? or what is the connection?
"Cancer" is a very broad spectrum....and although you can be polite and sympathetic, you don't have to get involved.
the "he said, she said" will continue and maybe you are giving them more ammunition. who needs extra High Drama? These are your husbands sister and BIL? or what is the connection?
"Cancer" is a very broad spectrum....and although you can be polite and sympathetic, you don't have to get involved.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I'm sometime way to passive so you may want to ignore me 
My thoughts are that not everything has to be hashed out in this initial phone call. Are you contacting them to hash out the past incident, support your SIL, or get support for your rough year? You can want all three, and eventually get it all, but this phone call is probably only going to address one if it is going to be a successful starting point.
Expectations on both sides matter and in this case they are loaded.
I don't think you owe it to anyone to even pursue it if you don't want to - just go in clear and with eyes wide open so to speak.
My thoughts are that not everything has to be hashed out in this initial phone call. Are you contacting them to hash out the past incident, support your SIL, or get support for your rough year? You can want all three, and eventually get it all, but this phone call is probably only going to address one if it is going to be a successful starting point.
Expectations on both sides matter and in this case they are loaded.
I don't think you owe it to anyone to even pursue it if you don't want to - just go in clear and with eyes wide open so to speak.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
I do dread being sucked back in, however, for my OWN peace of mind and so I feel better, I plan to have a conversation with them.
Thumper- good question, I had asked my BIL (RAH's brother) if we could talk, MY intention is to let them know I'm thinking about my SIL and praying it all turns out okay AND to not hash out the past incident or ask for support for my rough year, but to address both of those items. I do NOT expect an apology and I have no expectations from them, however, I DO have expectations for myself as a human being and I've always felt it was better to treat people kindly.
My eyes will be wide open and I have zero plans to jump back into any close relationship (we used to speak daily) with my SIL, but I also intend to make it so I don't feel uncomfortable at family functions.
Thumper- good question, I had asked my BIL (RAH's brother) if we could talk, MY intention is to let them know I'm thinking about my SIL and praying it all turns out okay AND to not hash out the past incident or ask for support for my rough year, but to address both of those items. I do NOT expect an apology and I have no expectations from them, however, I DO have expectations for myself as a human being and I've always felt it was better to treat people kindly.
My eyes will be wide open and I have zero plans to jump back into any close relationship (we used to speak daily) with my SIL, but I also intend to make it so I don't feel uncomfortable at family functions.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
From where I sit, everyone was wrong here.
It was a year ago. Bygones.
We all make missteps in stressful situations. Why not accept the past as being in the past, and move on?
Let it go. It doesn't have to be discussed. That is you holding on to past hurts.
Forgive.
Understand that we are all sick and none of us are perfect.
If they bring it up, I would say - why don't we just leave that in the past, we can't change any of that.
It was a year ago. Bygones.
We all make missteps in stressful situations. Why not accept the past as being in the past, and move on?
Let it go. It doesn't have to be discussed. That is you holding on to past hurts.
Forgive.
Understand that we are all sick and none of us are perfect.
If they bring it up, I would say - why don't we just leave that in the past, we can't change any of that.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
One of the topics I focused on this week is "keep an open mind" and that's what I would suggest to you. We're all kind of guessing as to how they're going to act and what they're going to say. Maybe they'll surprise you, maybe they won't. Keep an open mind.
As for what you could or should say, I don't know. Since this is your idea to communicate with them and you know they are going through something I would leave it solely at offering support and condolences and letting the past stay in the past. If they want to hold a grudge (resentment) against you that will only hurt them as you are trying to offer them support right now.
As for what you could or should say, I don't know. Since this is your idea to communicate with them and you know they are going through something I would leave it solely at offering support and condolences and letting the past stay in the past. If they want to hold a grudge (resentment) against you that will only hurt them as you are trying to offer them support right now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
From where I sit, everyone was wrong here.
It was a year ago. Bygones.
We all make missteps in stressful situations. Why not accept the past as being in the past, and move on?
Let it go. It doesn't have to be discussed. That is you holding on to past hurts.
Forgive.
Understand that we are all sick and none of us are perfect.
If they bring it up, I would say - why don't we just leave that in the past, we can't change any of that.
It was a year ago. Bygones.
We all make missteps in stressful situations. Why not accept the past as being in the past, and move on?
Let it go. It doesn't have to be discussed. That is you holding on to past hurts.
Forgive.
Understand that we are all sick and none of us are perfect.
If they bring it up, I would say - why don't we just leave that in the past, we can't change any of that.
There is NO way this would NOT have had to be discussed because if the air wasn't cleared now, it WOULD be brought up again and again by my SIL in the future.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
So I made the phone call on Friday to my BIL and SIL. My BIL answered the phone. He and I are not the ones who have been at odds, but I did say to him, I'd like to listen and hear your perspective on things and then I'd appreciate the same respect and we can go from there. So he talked, I listened. When he was done, and he confirmed he was done, I responded. I told him that first, we have completely different views of what caused the rift/hurt. He kept bringing up something from Saturday, which for me, was never an issue. I was clear that the issue was on Sunday and that it was because he disrespected the wishes of my husband and I. He interjected, but I thought you weren't serious and said, I didn't know T would take things the way he did. I explained again, we all know how sensitive T is, and as parents, we knew how we wanted that handled. I then explained the remainder of the year. When I was done, I simply said, I don't want any apologies, I won't be giving any apologies, I love both of you, I WANT to move forward and I have missed both of you. He said, he had a few things he wanted to say to me anyhow. First, he stated that I was correct, I have tried and tried and tried over the past year to reach out with zero to little response from them, and it's hard to fix things when both parties were not willing. He also said, wow, I had no clue things were THAT bad at your house. I'm very sorry that we weren't there for you, or his brother (my RAH) or his nephew. I simply said, no apology is necessary.
He went on to fill me in on his wife's health situation and let me know that she will need all of the love and support she can get over the next several months. BUT that I need to have a conversation with her and he's not sure when that can/will happen as she's VERY hurt by me and my actions, even though, he clearly sees now it's a 2 way street and that it's not a clear cut her fault, his fault. I asked him to have his wife call me the next day, she did not call. I left her a voicemail yesterday, I did not get call back.
I can not control how she behaves, what she does. All I can do is control me. I will move forward with giving her some support via packages, cards that sort of stuff since she will not speak to me as of now.
Thanks for the advice!
He went on to fill me in on his wife's health situation and let me know that she will need all of the love and support she can get over the next several months. BUT that I need to have a conversation with her and he's not sure when that can/will happen as she's VERY hurt by me and my actions, even though, he clearly sees now it's a 2 way street and that it's not a clear cut her fault, his fault. I asked him to have his wife call me the next day, she did not call. I left her a voicemail yesterday, I did not get call back.
I can not control how she behaves, what she does. All I can do is control me. I will move forward with giving her some support via packages, cards that sort of stuff since she will not speak to me as of now.
Thanks for the advice!
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