auroraxborealis

Good evening.

An acquaintence I knew from high school passed away early this morning. He was on a notoriously dangerous highway and hit a utility pole. He's just 24. He left behind a 5-year-old son, and his girlfriend (and high-school sweetheart), pregnant with their second son. They were a few days from finding out the sex of the baby. I was friends with her in high school.

I saw a ton of people posting on Facebook about the couple. Praying for them, offering their condolences, sharing memories. I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon and pretend that we were best friends. Because we weren't. I'm sorry for what happened; I can't imagine being in my friend's position, and I feel terrible for the children left behind.

It got me thinking. Things happen so quickly. In a second, a life can be over. I started fantasizing about my X. Thinking, what if this were him? What if he ODs and no one is there to take him to the hospital? What if he gets sober and gets hit by a drunk driver? So many things. And all I keep thinking is that I've already lost him. I don't want to lose him forever.

Another thing that added to this mix is his sister-in-law posted pics on Facebook. X's current GF is in the background of one of them. (I think she's living with a family member of his, and either they've accepted her or tolerated her because of the daughter. X should be in a HWH for 6 or so months, so they're not going to be living together.) Anyways, X's oldest sister made some comment about the GF. She didn't even know who this girl was. And she was just laughing about it. This is the same sister who told me she was glad we aren't together anymore because I'm so much better.

Also, I watched a presentation on the Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) score, which is basically a 10-point scoring system used to evaluate childhood trauma. A point each for physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, a point for a parent with a substance abuse problem or incarceration, etc. (http://www.acestudy.org) My X had 5 I could name based off of the quick overview that was provided. In all reality probably 8 of them. Just hearing all the awful prognoses that having a score that high just breaks my heart. It makes me wonder what chance did X even have, going by this? And there's not a thing I can do about it.

Finally, a colleague came by my office and chatted with my co-worker. She said she is divorced, and laughs when people put on their sympathetic face. She's not torn up about it. She said they have a civil enough relationship that when she relocated for these three months, he moved into the family home to care for their children.

Anyways, she said she wasn't in love with him, but was committed. For 30 years. My coworker said she wasn't sure if she was in love with her husband when they got married, but she is now after 30 years.

It just made me sad to think about. Am I going to have to end up with someone I'm not in love with? Or am I going to think I am in love, and then realize, no silly Aurora, THIS is love (after 30 years).

A former co-worker over the fall asked me about X, and if we were going to get back together. She has an AXH and her oldest child is an A (heroin). She said she believes in second chances and was hopeful for me and my X. I told her I didn't think so. She asked me if I wanted to, and if I loved him. I said yeah but sometimes I just want to kill him. (Joking of course!) She laughed and said yep, that's love.

I like her idea better. To me, being with someone you love most in the world means you can also hate them. You're comfortable enough to fight, and argue, and all those things because you know at the end of the day, this is who you're with. I can say things to my best friend I wouldn't ever say to an acquaintance, because the relationship isn't deep enough to be honest and open.

I guess I always pictured myself falling in love and that was it. I might hate him, I might want to kill him, but at the end of the day, he's the one. I never thought I'd lose that. And now I'm all in my head because I started thinking about waking up one day to find out that the person you love most in the world is gone forever. But I guess that did happen to me already, didn't it? At least X has a chance to wake up and sober, while my friend's boyfriend will never wake up at all.

I don't know what this post is. Just feels good to write things down, I guess. I never journal or anything because I'm always afraid someone's going to find it and read my thoughts, so this is all a new thing to me.

glitterdeva

I am sitting and thinking about the same thing - what if I think that there are things in this world that we cannot control. I know it sounds cliche, but we can't. And there comes a point for some of us when we physically/mentally/emotionally cannot handle another person no matter how much we love them and how much we want to help them. He is your ex for a reason. Who knows what is going to happen in the future, one thing I am learning now is that time is so precious and standing in one spot, in pain, being lied to, anxious, worried, sick because another person is in their addiction, is pointless, it is a waste of time.

My AH is currently in rehab and I just got a call from his family, his "cousin" (that's how they called each other, cousins, because they grew up together), died today. He was a heroin addict and used with AH a lot together. They have the same dealer, know the same people, been getting high forever and consider themselves 'experienced' heroin users. AH always said proudly how he never overdosed. I am also in my feelings. What if it was AH, I mean, they get the same dope! What if this what if that. Was I too mean to him? Should have I cherished 'sober-good' moments more?

I do this in my head, but you know what? This is out of our control - this what if. We can't control this. I am doubling my Al-anon meetings, I want to be FREE from all this nasty addiction stuff. Today is my daughter's bday and I am sitting in these horrible feelings, unable to be there for her (I mean she can see that I am upset). AH is in rehab and I am over here in deep depression.

Work on ourselves - that is what we have control over. My goal is to be happy and content and in peace, I want to enjoy my children, and DO NOT FOR A FREAKING SECOND want to hear anything about heroin, needles, overdoses, benzos, meds, withdraws, etc. No thank you!

Do you go to Al-anon? I found it so helpful.

zoso77

A couple of months after my AXGF and I broke up, a kid I knew from her NA meetings died from a heroin overdose. And it was like you said; here one minute, gone the next. I, too, thought of what it would be like if it were my AXGF.

And then I realized I couldn't allow myself to go there. It's just not a healthy, or sane, thing to do. Whatever my AXGF does, she does. Whatever your AXBF does, he does. We don't have any control over what they do. And as someone who's had more than my fair share of grieving and loss, I've come to appreciate how capricious life is. That's why we have to cherish it and value it.

As far as this goes:

Oh, man...kid...love is not some static state of bliss and euphoria. It's something that, like us, evolves. And it's not a life sentence, either.

The easiest thing for young adults to do, metaphorically speaking, is to get it on in the back seat of the car. It's fun, the chemical rush is insane, and in those moments, you feel so, so alive. But when we mature, we have to get out of the back seat and get into the front seat so we can drive the car. Addicts can do the back seat; my AXGF and your AXBF don't drive the car so well. They, metaphorically speaking, crash the car a lot.

No, mature love evolves into something more complicated. It's less about passion and more about respect and acceptance.

I would also not worry about the present absence of romantic love in your life. There are other kinds of love. In my case, my buddies and I love each other like brothers. We don't always agree with each other, but they would do anything for me, and I them. Same with my brothers and I. You have to nurture those relationships. You can't ever take them for granted.

Anyways, take care of you. We are where we're meant to be, and we're meant to be where we are.

hopeful4

I'm sorry Aurora. I hope you have some peace this weekend! XXX