Why does his drinking bother me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Columbus Ohio
Posts: 20
Why does his drinking bother me?
My husband just fell off the wagon again. He totaled our car a month ago, and could have killed himself or someone else. Both of our cars were paid off, but he said that was the end NO MORE DRINKING, so I went out and bought a van, now I have a car payment. Yesterday I could tell that he started again (he is severly depressed). When I brought it up his response was that he doesn't like himself unless he's drinking and he just can't understand why it makes me so upset.
I couldn't really put into words everything that bothers me about it, I said the usual, he overspends, he drives, he neglects the family, he smells, he snores, he talks in his sleep. Doe's he need any more?
He says that he doesn't have a disease, that that's just a cop out. Well if it's a cop out, then you're just an *SS that wants to destroy his family. He doesn't want to go to meetings and hear how alcohol has caused "those" people problems,(it's just a bunch of whining), and he doesn't want to talk to any one about be depressed because that just doesn't work.
I suffer from depression and take Zoloft, it works. Anyone that can offer support please write. I need to hear from you guys, I truly feel like you are my friends.
Thanks
CarolAnn
I couldn't really put into words everything that bothers me about it, I said the usual, he overspends, he drives, he neglects the family, he smells, he snores, he talks in his sleep. Doe's he need any more?
He says that he doesn't have a disease, that that's just a cop out. Well if it's a cop out, then you're just an *SS that wants to destroy his family. He doesn't want to go to meetings and hear how alcohol has caused "those" people problems,(it's just a bunch of whining), and he doesn't want to talk to any one about be depressed because that just doesn't work.
I suffer from depression and take Zoloft, it works. Anyone that can offer support please write. I need to hear from you guys, I truly feel like you are my friends.
Thanks
CarolAnn
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
Carol - i can relate except mine didn't total a vehicle. he's depressed, takes lexapro, had an episode 2 months ago - severe seizures from alcohol withdrawal - is drinking on and off again. i think there is more that's physicaly wrong, but he hasn't made a drs. appt. yet. lost weight, says his back hurts.....
said basically the same stuff about meetings (whining), altho does admit he has a problem (or maybe it's just to appease me).
i just started to go to al-anon and visit this forum about a month ago. look into al-anon - it has helped me give up some of my anger and focus on myself.
we're all in the same boat here, different stories with similar results!
hugs to you - cwohio
said basically the same stuff about meetings (whining), altho does admit he has a problem (or maybe it's just to appease me).
i just started to go to al-anon and visit this forum about a month ago. look into al-anon - it has helped me give up some of my anger and focus on myself.
we're all in the same boat here, different stories with similar results!
hugs to you - cwohio
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Carol,
It is so sad to me what alcoholism does to people. That being said, I finally came to a point where my life had to change directions. It was a hard decision, because I don't have any guarantee that the love of my life will be on that path. I just knew that I was so completely miserable that I was willing to do almost anything to get better. Things are not much different with my H these days. He has good times and bad times with his addiction. He has denial and when he is really in the grip, he feels the world is against him. I am different today, though. I sought help in Al-Anon, therapy, and here. Today I am able to love without losing myself. I have self esteem, self worth, and a connection with people who understand me, and care about me. This gives me so much strength and serenity. There is help, and we don't have to do it alone. Hugs, Magic
It is so sad to me what alcoholism does to people. That being said, I finally came to a point where my life had to change directions. It was a hard decision, because I don't have any guarantee that the love of my life will be on that path. I just knew that I was so completely miserable that I was willing to do almost anything to get better. Things are not much different with my H these days. He has good times and bad times with his addiction. He has denial and when he is really in the grip, he feels the world is against him. I am different today, though. I sought help in Al-Anon, therapy, and here. Today I am able to love without losing myself. I have self esteem, self worth, and a connection with people who understand me, and care about me. This gives me so much strength and serenity. There is help, and we don't have to do it alone. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 433
This is a good question, CarolAnn. I was trying to put it into words, too. There are many, many reasons why it bothers me; too complex for words. Maybe it comes from pre-verbal emotions in the past. Emotions we can feel but don't know how to verbalize because it comes from way back; some basic stuff. Our vocabulary for feelings is rudimentary, yet the *feelings* are important and sometimes intense.
My H's drinking changes his personality, changes how he relates to us. And it doesn't seem *real* to me because it feels false due to the alcohol. I can't trust it, can't trust him because he changes depending on his drinking.
It's a vicious circle too. My counselor told me yesterday, even when after the alcohol has physically passed through your system, the after-effects remain and take more time. She told me it can take 3 to 6 months after someone stops drinking, for the mental functions to really clear. I was astounded. Have you heard this before? I hadn't. So this means the toxins are in their system even when not drinking; and it accummulates over time. It affects their thinking.
How can you have a truly trusting, intimate relationship with someone who is using? Who is the real person behind the alocohol? It is so destructive to close relationships. It feels like a betrayal of me, in a way, a betrayal of my committment and trust, very hurtful. It hurts the entire family.
When my spouse is not drinking, he is irritable and impatient and grouchy and testy and very tense and unpleasant. If that's the *real* him, then he needs to deal with his feelings instead of projecting them on his loved ones. But no, he dumps on us and avoids and goes and drinks again to relax and forget and never face himself. It destroys genuine relationships.
Sometimes he's in a good mood when he's *normal.* But I can never depend on it. The kids will tell me, "Dad's in a bad mood. I'm staying away from him." That is so, so sad. (It is so sad that your husband doesn't like himself unless he's drinking. What a statement!!!) What is that doing to the kids; to me? I don't want them to pass on the patterns they are learning. When they come to me and share their thoughts and frustrations I tell them, "You need to work this out with your dad. You need to tell HIM, not me. I refuse to be a go-between. It isn't healthy. Work it out." (They are old enough I can tell them that now.) Most often they opt not to bother trying.
Another thing, his drinking has become not just drinking to me. It's become a symbol for me. A symbol of something very negative and insidious and damaging to our relationship. It's a wedge between people and he chooses that dividing wedge instead of facing his demons and dealing with it; so disappointing and painful and on-going. The unfinished projects, the procrastination, the broken promises -- I lose hope. He humiliates himself and me through his drinking. What it has come to symbolize for him, for us, is very heavy, hurtful and burdensome.
Every time he begins to drink, I can't help but wonder, is he going to stop at one, or two, or three? Is he going to get amorous and sexual with me - I hate it when he does that and he's been drinking. (I wish someone would explain that to me in words, why it's such a turn off when I know he's had a drink or two and he gets sexual; I just despise it; it's not fun; it's an insult somehow.)
I know he's probably going to get sleepy and take a nap at some point after he's had his first evening beer. I lose my respect for him that he doesn't put two-and-two together and make the association with his fatigue and forgetfulness. Subconsciously I'm sure he does and oblivion is the purpose.
Sorry to go on so long. This was a good question. I am sorry your husband totalled the car. My counselor would say, good (since no one was injured), it's good he now has a natural consequence as a result of his drinking. Hopefully, when they begin to experience the consequences, they will be motivated to look at what they're doing, hopefully leading to healthier change. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes many times to get it through their thick heads. I am sorry you must deal with this. Good luck.
Nea
My H's drinking changes his personality, changes how he relates to us. And it doesn't seem *real* to me because it feels false due to the alcohol. I can't trust it, can't trust him because he changes depending on his drinking.
It's a vicious circle too. My counselor told me yesterday, even when after the alcohol has physically passed through your system, the after-effects remain and take more time. She told me it can take 3 to 6 months after someone stops drinking, for the mental functions to really clear. I was astounded. Have you heard this before? I hadn't. So this means the toxins are in their system even when not drinking; and it accummulates over time. It affects their thinking.
How can you have a truly trusting, intimate relationship with someone who is using? Who is the real person behind the alocohol? It is so destructive to close relationships. It feels like a betrayal of me, in a way, a betrayal of my committment and trust, very hurtful. It hurts the entire family.
When my spouse is not drinking, he is irritable and impatient and grouchy and testy and very tense and unpleasant. If that's the *real* him, then he needs to deal with his feelings instead of projecting them on his loved ones. But no, he dumps on us and avoids and goes and drinks again to relax and forget and never face himself. It destroys genuine relationships.
Sometimes he's in a good mood when he's *normal.* But I can never depend on it. The kids will tell me, "Dad's in a bad mood. I'm staying away from him." That is so, so sad. (It is so sad that your husband doesn't like himself unless he's drinking. What a statement!!!) What is that doing to the kids; to me? I don't want them to pass on the patterns they are learning. When they come to me and share their thoughts and frustrations I tell them, "You need to work this out with your dad. You need to tell HIM, not me. I refuse to be a go-between. It isn't healthy. Work it out." (They are old enough I can tell them that now.) Most often they opt not to bother trying.
Another thing, his drinking has become not just drinking to me. It's become a symbol for me. A symbol of something very negative and insidious and damaging to our relationship. It's a wedge between people and he chooses that dividing wedge instead of facing his demons and dealing with it; so disappointing and painful and on-going. The unfinished projects, the procrastination, the broken promises -- I lose hope. He humiliates himself and me through his drinking. What it has come to symbolize for him, for us, is very heavy, hurtful and burdensome.
Every time he begins to drink, I can't help but wonder, is he going to stop at one, or two, or three? Is he going to get amorous and sexual with me - I hate it when he does that and he's been drinking. (I wish someone would explain that to me in words, why it's such a turn off when I know he's had a drink or two and he gets sexual; I just despise it; it's not fun; it's an insult somehow.)
I know he's probably going to get sleepy and take a nap at some point after he's had his first evening beer. I lose my respect for him that he doesn't put two-and-two together and make the association with his fatigue and forgetfulness. Subconsciously I'm sure he does and oblivion is the purpose.
Sorry to go on so long. This was a good question. I am sorry your husband totalled the car. My counselor would say, good (since no one was injured), it's good he now has a natural consequence as a result of his drinking. Hopefully, when they begin to experience the consequences, they will be motivated to look at what they're doing, hopefully leading to healthier change. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes many times to get it through their thick heads. I am sorry you must deal with this. Good luck.
Nea
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 168
I hear sitting around talking drugs and alcohol will just make me want to go out and get some. The only thing I can do is focus on me and my kids and that is about all you can do. I know it hurts watching someone you love hurting themselves and knowing there is nothing you can do about it. I just keep hoping that one day he will turn his life over to God and get help.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
nea - i know what you mean about the sex thing when they've been drinking - somehow it's a turn off (maybe just all the negative aspects come into our minds) - it definitely is the furthest thing from my mind.
cwohio
cwohio
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Columbus Ohio
Posts: 20
CW, Magic, Nea, & Redrose,
Thanks to all of you for listening to me and responding. I was hoping so much that this last time would be his wake up call, just when I started to feel comfortable (BOOM). There is an Al-anon meeting tonight, that I think I'll try to make it to. I worry so much about my kids and the way this will affect them. I have 5, 15 year old twin boys, a 12 year old boy, a five year old girl and an 18 month old girl. The twins live with their father, so they aren't around the insanity 24/7, my 12 year old is very smart, but angry, and the girls are attached to me at the hip. All five of them love him and I can see how they are hurt that he can't stay sober. His thinking is so irrational that sometimes, as horrible as it seems, that I wish for the end.
I dated the man that I love. I married the man that I have grown to dislike. We separated and he got sober, and became once again the man I love. For 2 1/2 years I was happy and as I remember, so was he, but now he says he was never happy as that person he was just being what everyone else wanted him to be. Now he wants to be happy, and he's only happy if he's drunk, and he wishes he was a better husband and father, but he's not and I shouldn't expect him to be what he isn't. He's a selfish bastard that's what he is.
I love him and I love my family, I just feel so lost. I don't know what I would do without the support of all of you.
Have a Blessed Day
I will be praying for all of us.
CarolAnn
Thanks to all of you for listening to me and responding. I was hoping so much that this last time would be his wake up call, just when I started to feel comfortable (BOOM). There is an Al-anon meeting tonight, that I think I'll try to make it to. I worry so much about my kids and the way this will affect them. I have 5, 15 year old twin boys, a 12 year old boy, a five year old girl and an 18 month old girl. The twins live with their father, so they aren't around the insanity 24/7, my 12 year old is very smart, but angry, and the girls are attached to me at the hip. All five of them love him and I can see how they are hurt that he can't stay sober. His thinking is so irrational that sometimes, as horrible as it seems, that I wish for the end.
I dated the man that I love. I married the man that I have grown to dislike. We separated and he got sober, and became once again the man I love. For 2 1/2 years I was happy and as I remember, so was he, but now he says he was never happy as that person he was just being what everyone else wanted him to be. Now he wants to be happy, and he's only happy if he's drunk, and he wishes he was a better husband and father, but he's not and I shouldn't expect him to be what he isn't. He's a selfish bastard that's what he is.
I love him and I love my family, I just feel so lost. I don't know what I would do without the support of all of you.
Have a Blessed Day
I will be praying for all of us.
CarolAnn
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
CarolAnn - thanks for the prayers - we all can use an extra one. i only have one step-daughter who is on her own, but her dad's alcoholism has definitely affected her altho her mom had custody from an early age. i can't imagine dealing with all your kids and the problems too.
i noticed you are from columbus ohio - me too!
cwohio
i noticed you are from columbus ohio - me too!
cwohio
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 1
Originally Posted by Neagrm 
This is a good question, CarolAnn. I was trying to put it into words, too. There are many, many reasons why it bothers me; too complex for words. Maybe it comes from pre-verbal emotions in the past. Emotions we can feel but don't know how to verbalize because it comes from way back; some basic stuff. Our vocabulary for feelings is rudimentary, yet the *feelings* are important and sometimes intense.
My H's drinking changes his personality, changes how he relates to us. And it doesn't seem *real* to me because it feels false due to the alcohol. I can't trust it, can't trust him because he changes depending on his drinking.
It's a vicious circle too. My counselor told me yesterday, even when after the alcohol has physically passed through your system, the after-effects remain and take more time. She told me it can take 3 to 6 months after someone stops drinking, for the mental functions to really clear. I was astounded. Have you heard this before? I hadn't. So this means the toxins are in their system even when not drinking; and it accummulates over time. It affects their thinking.
How can you have a truly trusting, intimate relationship with someone who is using? Who is the real person behind the alocohol? It is so destructive to close relationships. It feels like a betrayal of me, in a way, a betrayal of my committment and trust, very hurtful. It hurts the entire family.
When my spouse is not drinking, he is irritable and impatient and grouchy and testy and very tense and unpleasant. If that's the *real* him, then he needs to deal with his feelings instead of projecting them on his loved ones. But no, he dumps on us and avoids and goes and drinks again to relax and forget and never face himself. It destroys genuine relationships.
Sometimes he's in a good mood when he's *normal.* But I can never depend on it. The kids will tell me, "Dad's in a bad mood. I'm staying away from him." That is so, so sad. (It is so sad that your husband doesn't like himself unless he's drinking. What a statement!!!) What is that doing to the kids; to me? I don't want them to pass on the patterns they are learning. When they come to me and share their thoughts and frustrations I tell them, "You need to work this out with your dad. You need to tell HIM, not me. I refuse to be a go-between. It isn't healthy. Work it out." (They are old enough I can tell them that now.) Most often they opt not to bother trying.
Another thing, his drinking has become not just drinking to me. It's become a symbol for me. A symbol of something very negative and insidious and damaging to our relationship. It's a wedge between people and he chooses that dividing wedge instead of facing his demons and dealing with it; so disappointing and painful and on-going. The unfinished projects, the procrastination, the broken promises -- I lose hope. He humiliates himself and me through his drinking. What it has come to symbolize for him, for us, is very heavy, hurtful and burdensome.
Every time he begins to drink, I can't help but wonder, is he going to stop at one, or two, or three? Is he going to get amorous and sexual with me - I hate it when he does that and he's been drinking. (I wish someone would explain that to me in words, why it's such a turn off when I know he's had a drink or two and he gets sexual; I just despise it; it's not fun; it's an insult somehow.)
I know he's probably going to get sleepy and take a nap at some point after he's had his first evening beer. I lose my respect for him that he doesn't put two-and-two together and make the association with his fatigue and forgetfulness. Subconsciously I'm sure he does and oblivion is the purpose.
Sorry to go on so long. This was a good question. I am sorry your husband totalled the car. My counselor would say, good (since no one was injured), it's good he now has a natural consequence as a result of his drinking. Hopefully, when they begin to experience the consequences, they will be motivated to look at what they're doing, hopefully leading to healthier change. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes many times to get it through their thick heads. I am sorry you must deal with this. Good luck.
Nea
My H's drinking changes his personality, changes how he relates to us. And it doesn't seem *real* to me because it feels false due to the alcohol. I can't trust it, can't trust him because he changes depending on his drinking.
It's a vicious circle too. My counselor told me yesterday, even when after the alcohol has physically passed through your system, the after-effects remain and take more time. She told me it can take 3 to 6 months after someone stops drinking, for the mental functions to really clear. I was astounded. Have you heard this before? I hadn't. So this means the toxins are in their system even when not drinking; and it accummulates over time. It affects their thinking.
How can you have a truly trusting, intimate relationship with someone who is using? Who is the real person behind the alocohol? It is so destructive to close relationships. It feels like a betrayal of me, in a way, a betrayal of my committment and trust, very hurtful. It hurts the entire family.
When my spouse is not drinking, he is irritable and impatient and grouchy and testy and very tense and unpleasant. If that's the *real* him, then he needs to deal with his feelings instead of projecting them on his loved ones. But no, he dumps on us and avoids and goes and drinks again to relax and forget and never face himself. It destroys genuine relationships.
Sometimes he's in a good mood when he's *normal.* But I can never depend on it. The kids will tell me, "Dad's in a bad mood. I'm staying away from him." That is so, so sad. (It is so sad that your husband doesn't like himself unless he's drinking. What a statement!!!) What is that doing to the kids; to me? I don't want them to pass on the patterns they are learning. When they come to me and share their thoughts and frustrations I tell them, "You need to work this out with your dad. You need to tell HIM, not me. I refuse to be a go-between. It isn't healthy. Work it out." (They are old enough I can tell them that now.) Most often they opt not to bother trying.
Another thing, his drinking has become not just drinking to me. It's become a symbol for me. A symbol of something very negative and insidious and damaging to our relationship. It's a wedge between people and he chooses that dividing wedge instead of facing his demons and dealing with it; so disappointing and painful and on-going. The unfinished projects, the procrastination, the broken promises -- I lose hope. He humiliates himself and me through his drinking. What it has come to symbolize for him, for us, is very heavy, hurtful and burdensome.
Every time he begins to drink, I can't help but wonder, is he going to stop at one, or two, or three? Is he going to get amorous and sexual with me - I hate it when he does that and he's been drinking. (I wish someone would explain that to me in words, why it's such a turn off when I know he's had a drink or two and he gets sexual; I just despise it; it's not fun; it's an insult somehow.)
I know he's probably going to get sleepy and take a nap at some point after he's had his first evening beer. I lose my respect for him that he doesn't put two-and-two together and make the association with his fatigue and forgetfulness. Subconsciously I'm sure he does and oblivion is the purpose.
Sorry to go on so long. This was a good question. I am sorry your husband totalled the car. My counselor would say, good (since no one was injured), it's good he now has a natural consequence as a result of his drinking. Hopefully, when they begin to experience the consequences, they will be motivated to look at what they're doing, hopefully leading to healthier change. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes many times to get it through their thick heads. I am sorry you must deal with this. Good luck.
Nea
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