lostgirl

I'm new here, so I guess this is the right board for me...

I've come here because I'm not happy with my drinking. The trouble I have is that I enjoy it, in that I really enjoy the taste of different ales and wines and trying new ones. So I don't want to give it up because in that respect it's one of the pleasures in my life - and I mean the taste and smell and appreciation of it, NOT of being drunk. I'd like nothing more than to go on a wine tasting holiday. I wouldn't care if the wine was non-alcoholic, I really enjoy savouring it.

But I am a bit concerned that I can't do without some kind of alcohol too. For example I go out and buy a bottle of wine (cheap rather than nice) to drink during the day. It doesn't have much effect on me any more so my partner doesn't notice although I do have to be careful not to drink at all before I need to use the car, but I try to do any driving as early in the day as I can so I am not irritable all day. Every day I say I will not drink just to prove I can. Every day I want a drink. I tell myself I don't need one, I just quite fancy one, and do something else. After a while of soft drinks I give in and go get some anyway. Then I say to myself that the next day I will stop. The last day I didn't drink at all was six months ago when I had an illness and the tablets for it only worked when I didn't drink. But by the second day I'd worked out a way to time the tablets so they sort of helped for a while to make the illness bearable, and later on I could manage to drink. Same with the allergy tablets I take every day.

Now, nobody in my life has said I have to stop drinking! I actually called the AA in a moment of madness about this when I actually was a bit drunk and worried - and they a) said they wouldnt phone back on my mobile so they couldnt help and then b) asked what the crisis was. Apparently you have to have a crisis like losing your family or your house before you need to stop drinking?! So that was no use at all and scared me away from places like this.

But I am a bit worried. Partly about my diet - it's fattening! - but if I drink wine I forget to eat lunch as I'm filled up, so I guess it levels out! But more seriously I wake up with pains on my left side near the kidney every day, I have to roll over and lie on the other side to make them go away. I'm worried that's from drinking. Also a family member nearly died of liver cirrhosis and there is a chance I've inherited their liver weakness. But people tell me I must have a strong liver because I can drink so much without any effect, they get drunk in the bar long before I would do.

Except there IS an effect. The effect isn't that I get drunk. The effect is that I feel normal again and stop being preoccupied and irritable.

I know people who are addicted to caffeine and have this problem, which is another reason I think I might have a problem myself.

Hell, I've been really honest here and I don't even know you guys!

So... anything you can give me back, any comments or advice... please, please do.

I'll be back soon to read.

Love,
Lostgirl.

2stop

Welcome to SR!! So glad you found us.

Many of us here can relate to your situation. We have an alcoholism and AA board you may find helpful and supportive and many resources to search through and take a look at.

It is always a huge step when we can take a look at oursleves and identify what we don't like, what we believe may be a problem..then we can get busy finding solutions and support for transcending and changing those situations we know we would be better off without. If drinking bothers you and affects you negatively, makes you displeased with your life...by all means seek out the support to stop drinking, finding healthy, positive ways to face life and experience pleasure. I am a pill addict myself...I also enjoyed very much the high the pills brought, 20 years later though..I paid the price and hit bottom after bottom..finally becoming desperate enough to face up to what I knew I had to do..be abstinent from mind and mood altering drugs. I cannot tell you if you are alcoholic..you have to determine that. But I commend you on taking a hard look at what it is that is interrupting a true enjoyment of life and causing worry and concern. Please feel free to post wherever you like.and again..welcome!!!

(((((((((Welcoming Hugs)))))))))))

Anna

Hello Lostgirl,

Welcome and I'm glad you found us. I'm Anna, alcoholic.

In general terms, if you think you have a problem, you probably do. An easy way to figure it out is to stop drinking for a given period, say a month or two, and see what happens. You'll have your answer. It sounds to me like you have a problem if you're manipulating medications you need so that you can drink.

I totally understand you not wanting to stop drinking. I sure didn't want to stop and fought it for a long time. And, I always lost because alcoholism is a progressive disease and will get worse over time. My husband once asked me if I couldn't stop or wouldn't stop, or was it both? And, it was both. The good news is that I did stop and you can too and you'll be amazed how much better your life becomes.


Take a look around the site and read a bit of other people's posts and you'll find lots of information and support.

I hope you hang around and get to know us.

Love, Anna

KelKel

Hi Lostgirl
And welcome

Your story sounds like mine when I was in my late 20's, I too loved all the wines and truly savoured the different tastes and textures (blah,blah).
I did not acknowledge the problem then and spent my thirties fighting a horrible addiction to alcohol.
Quite frankly it almost killed me more than once, it is progressive and will only get worse.
Can you stop for a month? A week?

There are many support groups out there for help with addiction.
I am sorry you had the experience you did when you called AA, you certainly do not have to be in a major crisis to get help for your drinking.

here are two sites you may find helpful....

http://www.communigate.co.uk/london/aauk/index.phtml

http://www.aamolly.org.uk/

Stick around here and read the posts, you will find your story in these threads.

Rowan

Hi LostGirl
I'm Rowan, alcoholic. I'm glad you're here! Yes, I agree, if you think that you have a problem, then you probably do. I'm sorry that you had an unfortunate experience with AA on the phone; I am certain you wouldn't have that problem in face to face meetings, but lets cross that bridge when we get to it! I read a biography by Caroline Knapp called 'Drinking: A Love Story' and I identified so strongly with her. You might want to check it out at the library and see if it sets off any alarm bells. In the meantime keep posting and let us get to know you. I never thought I could live without alcohol but now I can't imagine my life WITH it! I'm serious!
Much Love
Rowan

Brookie

Hi LG. Joe here, alcohlic and a fellow wine lover. Your drinking sounds a lot like mine. I'm an everyday drinker, usually of a bottle of wine, give or take a few glasses. I very rarely blackout, never had a DUI or other arrest, and for the most part my family thinks I'm a "normal" drinker (although I've been hiding how much I drink for a very long time). Currently I've got about a week sober.

What's particularly familiar to me is that sense you have that you haven't paid enough dues to belong in AA. For me, it's a mix of feeling like I've got several "good" binges left in me before I start doing real damage, and a little self consciousness that I haven't suffered the consequences that many - by no means all -of the people around me at meetings went through. I'll be very honest that I'm still struggling with those feelings. But I'm learning that for me, many of those consequences are internal - depression, isolation, etc. My advice would be to try out a few meetings and see if there is anything you recognize in what people are saying. From the moment I walked in the door, I found people were speaking my language. Maybe you will too.

Nobody can tell you whether you're an alcoholic, but I can say I've concluded that that description fits me. They say that alcoholism has nothing to do with how much you drink, and everything to do with how it affects your life. In any case, I hope you don't let an insensative person on the phone scare you away.

Ditto on the advice to try to stop for a while. Someone recommended to me I try stopping for two months. The absurdity of that thought alone convinced me that I've probably got a problem, because most people (including alcoholics) apparently have no trouble stopping for that amount of time. So far my personal best is nine days. The struggle of stopping even for that amount of time taught me quite a bit.

Also ditto on checking out the AA forum. You'd be very welcome there.

God bless,
Joe

lostgirl

Thanks to everyone for their replies and welcomes - and especially thanks to Joe.

It's wierd, I came here because obviously I'm worried about things - I don't want to get to the point where I'm hiding bottles or whatever but then I notice myself buying stuff that we already have in the recycling skip so they won't stand out...

But it feels wierd to have people say "hi, I'm Fred, alcoholic" or whatever. I mean I recognise it must be great for you to be able to say that - and to admit that's where you're at - and hard at the same time. So please, dont think I want to trample on that, I'm very very grateful for your comments. But it feels odd to me to be among people saying "I'm an alcoholic" - I'm thinking "do I belong here? Why am I talking to these alkies?" but yet I came here. I guess I'm scared I'm one.

Joe's posting really helped because it seems he can understand where I'm at. The idea of giving up for two months seems ridiculous to me too. I wonder what other people would say if I suggested it to them - guess they could manage it

As Joe said there's nothing bad in my life, I haven't caused problems (though I am spending more than I'd like) never been arrested, haven't lost friends, do manage my job... but there IS a nagging sense of "something isn't right" which is sort of why I put out feelers.

I've said a lot here, and I'm quite a shy person really, so I'll go away and have a long think and come back later on.

Thank you every one.

Love,
Lostgirl

degadar

Hi Lostgirl, Hi, I'm Deg. a fellow alcoholic. I was just climbing out of my rubbish skip earlier today read your post while I was draining left-overs from all the carling special brew cans that had been thrown on top of me in the night.

I'm glad the rain has stopped now and my coat should be dry within a few months if the weather stays nice. And I've found a nice new roll of carpet to sleep on as well.

Being an alcoholic isn't all that bad. We get plenty of sunshine, and there's a lot of food thrown away outside macdonalds - enough to keep me going since I lost my home, car and family due to the drinking.

If you're ever in my town, give me a shout and we could share a cidre.

Actually - I was pretending.... I bet you wouldn't guess I was an alcoholic if you met me really. I bet people who meet you don't know either.

I won't say anything if you don't.

Deg. (ignore me I'm having one of my strange days. Take care of yourself and remember there are always people here who understand)

Brookie

LG - I'm glad something I had to say was helpful. I've been learning that Alkies tend to speak in cliches. One of them is, "You can get off the elevator at whatever floor you want." In other words, you don't have to ride it all the way to the bottom. Even though I haven't suffered the DUI's, etc., I'm learning that the way I drink is very different from the way most people drink and think about drinking. Since I'm not a mind reader, that part came as a surprise to me.

Anyway, thanks for the good word. Please feel free to send me a private message any time if you'd like to talk. Hope you keep coming back, as there is a lot of support and wisdom to be had here.

Best,
Joe

David 1

I really identify with all of the posts and was EXACTLY in your shoes, LG and Joe (did I love a good cabernet)! For me to admit I was an alcoholic was absurd and a sign of weakness. No way, not me!!! Plus, I was angry and emotional on top of that for the stupid things that I did, under the influence of alcohol.

Now I can see clearly that for me to not admit I am an alcoholic is a sure sign of weakness and denial.

I can also tell you that I have found a lot of support and comfort from this site - I read a lot of the posts and respond occasionally. I do go to meetings for support as well.

I have reached the point of wanting to share my thoughts with others like yourself and Joe - I wish you guys could feel what life is like after even a few months of sobriety!!

LG, you are reaching out - take heed of that feeling that something is not quite right and keep reaching. You will find what you are looking for!

Dave