peacelovesober

So here i am again. I feel so foolish. My ah is at it again. We were separated and i let him back and it starts slowly getting worse and worse. I just found out that my computer is pawned, he has been lying to me about having a job, and driving my car with a suspended licence. All lies.....every word out of his mouth is a lie.

Our 8 year anniversary is on February 26th but i won't celebrate. Its been hell. I pried all the lies out of him in the car and went postal. Realized everything he has told me for about four months had been lies.

He is so good at lying that he actually makes me doubt myself. Who am I and how did i get to this horrible place. I am feeling extra bad right now because when he finally admitted to me that he had been lying about going to work and all the other lies i made him get out of the car and leave. He can't come to my home any more and lie to me and abuse me. He knows this but crossed my boundaries.

I know he has no $ or food or shelter and I just feel awful. I just got so mad that i felt like i was going to explode and put him out. I knkw that he is in the wrong for betraying my trust but how do you deal with just putting them on the streets?

I know its not safe to be around him for me and my serenity. ....i just feel so sad knowing he is cold tonight.

any words of experience

zoso77

Ugh. I'm sorry about this.

How did you get to that horrible place? The same way all of us here did. When we love someone, we automatically give them the benefit of the doubt, and we desperately want to believe what they tell us. Maybe sometimes we hear a little voice in the back of our heads, telling us to proceed with caution. But a lot of times, we ignore that little voice. And when we do, we pay a price.

So that's how you got there. I bet you know this without me or anyone having to tell you. What's done is done. The important thing now is what your decisions are going forward.

Do not trust a single thing that comes out of his mouth. Ever. He has been preying on you and taking advantage of your compassion for him. That has to stop. Probabilistically speaking, he will not change. So now, you need to give yourself permission to do what is best for you. And to be blunt, it appears what's best for you is a life without him in it.

suki44883

Addicts are very resourceful. While you are concerned about him being out in the cold, he is probably with "friends" having fun. Don't waste your time worrying about him.

peacelovesober

Suki...you just might be right. He has so many buddies that come out of the woodwork when he is using im sure he can hustle up something.

And zoso......thanks for being blunt. I have told this same story over and over and it has to be time to do something different. I deserve to be happy and with his actions he has proven that is impossible with him around. I just need some support because i have been really isolated in my social circle because of hiding all the chaos. But reality is that im a mess and i have to clean up my stuff so that i can be happy.

zoso77

You can't isolate. That's the worst thing you can do, closing yourself off from those who would give you support. Do you have someone you can confide in locally?

peacelovesober

zoso. i have local friends but they love me but don't have the level of understanding that the people here do on here. I just really appreciate seeing the experience from others who have gone through similar circumstances. I am a smart girl but I have really lost my way lately

CodeJob

Glad you posted. SR is a good place to start thinking through your situation from a new angle.

Initially for me, when I reached the end of my rope, I needed space from my addict so I could have some peace and think - think about MY needs.

I hope you find some peace and a new approach PeaceLoveSober!

FeelingGreat

Hi PLS, what will you do when he turns up on your doorstep tomorrow full of apologies, promises and 'I love you's?

chicory

PeaceLoveSober, I am glad you are here. There is fantastic support and experience here.

What ever you have to do, for your peace and happiness, do it. You matter, and you are the only one who can make the changes.

Keep posting. We care and understand.
Hugs
chicory

zoso77

Well, I don't think you've lost your way. You know what's going on. Your eyes aren't lying. And you know that your present situation is untenable. It's just a matter of giving yourself permission to address it with authority.

I would make an effort to see your friends more often. You don't have to tell them what's going on if you don't have to.

peacelovesober

Feeling great......I have been through that so many times. He has been in active addiction for most of our 8 year marriage. So if he does show up like that my plan is to calmly advise him of the choices he made to bust through my boundaries and that this time i am sticking to them.

So many times we have been through this. And SOOOOO many times I fold and let him back and its good for a bit and then starts to get bad slowly. Then just like all the other times it blows up and all the lies come out.

I have dealt with this way more time than i would like to admit so i have to do something different for me. I am tired of praying that ut will be different when it never is.

So prayers please that i can hold my ground and be strong for me.

peacelovesober

Zoso you are right. I know exactly what is happening. I am hoping that lies are true when i know deep down they are not. I want to think this time is different but it never is.

I do know that people can get better. ....i am sober today and have been since 10/16/2012. I am just exhausted of this addiction rollercoaster and riding is sober is just ridiculous.

zoso77

Sure they can. But what evidence is there that your AH is interested in "getting better"?

atalose

It gets easier once we see them for who they are today and not who we hope for them to become someday.

I think you mustered your courage and did what you needed to do for you and there is nothing wrong with that.

As mentioned addicts are extremely resourceful and I’m sure he has a roof over his head, clothes on his back and more drugs in his system.

I think we often take them at face value and believe their words because OUR lives are so un-manageable that we see them returning as our solution. But it’s always their actions that tell the whole story. Before we ever can think about going back into a serious relationship with an addict we must first see recovery, real recovery. We need to ask ourselves, are they working a strong program, are they moving heaven and earth to get and keep themselves clean. We need to allow them to work that program and witness their recovery over a long period of time.

And the most important is while we wait and see about them we should be focusing on ourselves and on our own recovery. Learning as much as we can about addiction and addict behaviors, al-anon or Nar-anon, personal counseling – something that is JUST FOR US.

I am sorry you discovered his truths but often it’s the burning bridge that lights our way.

peacelovesober

Actually I think. ....no i know.....that the things he was telling me about his recovery were simply that. No truth to them but he is resourceful and knows what i need to hear to keep my questions at bay. And i am completely overwhelmed by this whole situation that i believe lies when i know they are lies because i have to focus on day to day life and work that i can't always be his cheerleader.

No matter what i have done over the past 8 years its never been quite enough for him and i have finally realized it never will be. He is always going to keep the arrow pointed at me so that he can continue with his selfish ways

FeelingGreat

PLS, I remember back to my drinking days. I was lucky that living alone; it didn't affect my adult children (who didn't realise how much I drank), but no-one could have forced me to give up drinking until, like a slow-learner, years later I came to my own conclusions. Even then it took some time to work up to stopping. The difference between white-knuckling and really KNOWING it has to end, in your own mind, is what makes for success or failure.
This is my long-winded way of saying if he's not ready to stop in his own mind, he'll do what it takes to keep drinking and it's in his interests to keep you on a string as well. He may be ready once you're out of the picture, but don't count on it.

Hope7726

PLS, please don't isolate. You need people right now. Do you attend Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings?

I can certainly understand how it feels to have your addicted significant other lie to you about EVERYTHING. It is absolutely infuriating and I do not blame you one bit for putting him out. In fact, I applaud you. I did the same to my ex and I reminded myself, he did it to himself.

That same ex later relapsed and left on his own. "Disappeared" for seven weeks. No one knew where he was, no one heard from him. I imagined every horrible scenario, made myself sick with fear and anxiety. Finally he was located and you know what? He was just fine. He was living his sketchy life right under our noses and not giving a damn about any of us. What a slap in the face. Like Suki said, addicts are incredibly resourceful. Think of all of the lies and manipulations they come up with to get their drugs. They can use the same tactics to get food, clothes, shelter, anything they need. So don't even worry about him. Just focus on yourself.

Eauchiche

He probably has no money for food and lodging, because he has been spending it on his drug of choice.

Please go to AlAnon. If you go at least 6 meetings, you will find a lot of serenity. It is okay to try several meetings before you find your home group.


Good luck!

kylad09

The one thing that's hard for me to tolerate, the lies. I know what you're going through and mine is in rehab seeking help now. I'm ready for him to get better, but at the same time I don't know how to let go of my anger or if I can ever trust his word again.. we just love them so much we want to have faith. But what are we really living for? We put ourselves, our sanity, well-being, and health on the line for them and do they care? No. Do they feel bad? No. Do they want what's best for us? No. They just want what they think is best for them, them, them.. it's always about them. I know whybrid you would feel bad, because you have your head right, he doesn't. Maybe he does deserve this.. go home, try to relax and worry about yourself. Dont stress about him, because I promise he's not stressing about you. Stay strong.

peacelovesober

I am so glad that i am here. Just reading these words of support have helped me tremendously. And I'm going to take some advice and find an Alanon group. I feel like i do need that extra support network. I tried to talk to my mom about things and she ended up screaming at me and telling me how stupid i am for loving someone like him.

Which i totally understand the frustration and Im not looking to be coddled but I am also not trying to feel worse about things.

He is trying to get into rehab but I have heard that story before. Its sad what little faith i have in him but he proved over and over that he can't be trusted. So I pray that something changes and he can stay sober