Where to begin/How to begin
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 81
Where to begin/How to begin
I can't say how many times I have sat on the outside and read through sober recovery posts and appreciated their value and thoughtfulness, but never thought that actually posting was for me. I thought I can beat this thing on my own without reaching out for support.
Well folks, I've reached my bottom. I am the definition of a Greek Tragedy. I am the central player who has everything in life and then just loses it all through several stupid choices.
It's funny, because when I was in the throughs of addiction I said that kind of downfall could never happen to me. I was too smart. I knew how to function and do drugs so nobody around me would be hurt. Boy, was I wrong.
My addiction began years ago starting with prescription painkillers (Tramadol, Vicodin, and then Oxy). Recently, within the last few months, it switched to heroin as doctors prescribed less painkillers and oxy became more expensive. I shot up H.
If you knew me you would never believe it. I work a successful job---I still do, which I am lucky to have for the moment, I come from a great family, I have a great education....how could this happen, how could I let this happen. I am strong in so many other areas. I love to work and learn, but I am so damn weak in this area. Years of prescription use and abuse made me think that I couldn't be normal, have fun, or be pleasant without it coursing through my veins.
Now I have lost the most important thing to me, my family. My wife has kicked me out of the house. What kind of dad was I to think that I could be a father and still do drugs!? What kind of lover/husband did I think I could be while doing drugs!? Who knows if she will ever love me again, who knows when I will be allowed to be a dad again to my 2 year old son and the other one who is on the way. I feel so full of shame. I love my wife so much. I love my son so much-what if I lose him forever? I love being a dad.
I will be living on my own now and every day I am going to get better and prove to my family that I am the husband and father they once thought I was. I am 4 days clean, back on suboxone, and will be going to meetings every single day. I am going to beat this thing. I am sure no one in my family thinks I can do this, but I will do it.
Does anyone have any advice on recovery?
Well folks, I've reached my bottom. I am the definition of a Greek Tragedy. I am the central player who has everything in life and then just loses it all through several stupid choices.
It's funny, because when I was in the throughs of addiction I said that kind of downfall could never happen to me. I was too smart. I knew how to function and do drugs so nobody around me would be hurt. Boy, was I wrong.
My addiction began years ago starting with prescription painkillers (Tramadol, Vicodin, and then Oxy). Recently, within the last few months, it switched to heroin as doctors prescribed less painkillers and oxy became more expensive. I shot up H.
If you knew me you would never believe it. I work a successful job---I still do, which I am lucky to have for the moment, I come from a great family, I have a great education....how could this happen, how could I let this happen. I am strong in so many other areas. I love to work and learn, but I am so damn weak in this area. Years of prescription use and abuse made me think that I couldn't be normal, have fun, or be pleasant without it coursing through my veins.
Now I have lost the most important thing to me, my family. My wife has kicked me out of the house. What kind of dad was I to think that I could be a father and still do drugs!? What kind of lover/husband did I think I could be while doing drugs!? Who knows if she will ever love me again, who knows when I will be allowed to be a dad again to my 2 year old son and the other one who is on the way. I feel so full of shame. I love my wife so much. I love my son so much-what if I lose him forever? I love being a dad.
I will be living on my own now and every day I am going to get better and prove to my family that I am the husband and father they once thought I was. I am 4 days clean, back on suboxone, and will be going to meetings every single day. I am going to beat this thing. I am sure no one in my family thinks I can do this, but I will do it.
Does anyone have any advice on recovery?
Last edited by beddy3484; 02-04-2015 at 11:51 AM. Reason: Corrections
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Welcome Beddy its nice to meet you http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
Journey of Sobriety
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 195
There is absolutely nothing you can do to change your past. Take a couple deep breaths and accept that drugs are the problem, now that you fully accept that.. you can move forward. Right now get clean, contact support groups, get an addiction counselor, or just do what ever you can to keep you clean. Being clean from drugs must be the highest priority, and everything else will solve itself. You can do this. You know how I know? Because you're doing it right now.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Support and not doing it on my own was when the penny finally dropped, admitting my mind was too powerful and willpower alone wasn't gonna cut it anymore, I needed other people, I needed a mechanism of support and a plan to turn things around!!
The good news is it really does work, but like anything we have work at it and take the necessary steps and make the necessary decisions to make it happen!!
Welcome to the Forum!!
The good news is it really does work, but like anything we have work at it and take the necessary steps and make the necessary decisions to make it happen!!
Welcome to the Forum!!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
welcome beddy
the advice I can offer is to never forget how you feel right now. And that in order to 'get' your life back you must remain clean.
Also, understand that there is only one reason to ever get sober. That is, because you want to. Not because you lost this or that and hope to get it back. None of that matters right now. You can do your best and hope it all comes back. But if it doesn't and you think you wasted your time getting sober and throw it all away again, nobody to blame but yourself. Because there is no guarantee you get it all back. The only guarantee is that you will become a better and much stronger person as you move forward in sobriety.
So unless you are doing this for YOU, think about it...
Glad you finally posted.
the advice I can offer is to never forget how you feel right now. And that in order to 'get' your life back you must remain clean.
Also, understand that there is only one reason to ever get sober. That is, because you want to. Not because you lost this or that and hope to get it back. None of that matters right now. You can do your best and hope it all comes back. But if it doesn't and you think you wasted your time getting sober and throw it all away again, nobody to blame but yourself. Because there is no guarantee you get it all back. The only guarantee is that you will become a better and much stronger person as you move forward in sobriety.
So unless you are doing this for YOU, think about it...
Glad you finally posted.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I was in rehab a few years ago for alcoholism but I met quite a few opiate addicts quite like yourself. Educated, successful family oriented people who were initially prescribed pain meds for a back surgery or injury, then things just snowballed into a full blown addiction.
Have you considered inpatient rehab? You seriously may need it.
Have you considered inpatient rehab? You seriously may need it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 81
Thank you for all the replies. I didn't even realize all the lies I had told. Didn't even realize it. I have handed over all the finances to my wife. Every credit card, every bill. We aren't in too deep but I definitely spent everything extra we should have had. She is going through everything and noticing every single lie I told during this addiction. I was supposed to be the man of the house providing for his family, but instead I spent money out of their pockets. I should have bought good birthday presents and took us on vacations. My wife just thought we were short of money and had to budget tightly, she did not know it was because of my addiction. I was in control of everything so she had no way of knowing. I am so ashamed. She keeps finding out all I did wrong. I will never be able to recover from this in her eyes. I just have to get clean for myself so I can be the person I want to be and be in my sons life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by Wastinglife 
I was in rehab a few years ago for alcoholism but I met quite a few opiate addicts quite like yourself. Educated, successful family oriented people who were initially prescribed pain meds for a back surgery or injury, then things just snowballed into a full blown addiction.
Have you considered inpatient rehab? You seriously may need it.
Have you considered inpatient rehab? You seriously may need it.
My wife controls everything now and is going to watch every single thing I spend. She has access to all of my accounts, including financial and social.
I plan on attending meetings every day and I plan on starting meditation classes and meeting with my psychiatrist. I have a strong motivation to get clean and I know I can do it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by LBrain
welcome beddy
the advice I can offer is to never forget how you feel right now. And that in order to 'get' your life back you must remain clean.
Also, understand that there is only one reason to ever get sober. That is, because you want to. Not because you lost this or that and hope to get it back. None of that matters right now. You can do your best and hope it all comes back. But if it doesn't and you think you wasted your time getting sober and throw it all away again, nobody to blame but yourself. Because there is no guarantee you get it all back. The only guarantee is that you will become a better and much stronger person as you move forward in sobriety.
So unless you are doing this for YOU, think about it...
Glad you finally posted.
the advice I can offer is to never forget how you feel right now. And that in order to 'get' your life back you must remain clean.
Also, understand that there is only one reason to ever get sober. That is, because you want to. Not because you lost this or that and hope to get it back. None of that matters right now. You can do your best and hope it all comes back. But if it doesn't and you think you wasted your time getting sober and throw it all away again, nobody to blame but yourself. Because there is no guarantee you get it all back. The only guarantee is that you will become a better and much stronger person as you move forward in sobriety.
So unless you are doing this for YOU, think about it...
Glad you finally posted.
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