Just peeking in
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
Just peeking in
Hey there, I normally post in the FF of alcholics section but more and more realize I need to be here too.
I was raised by a very sick co dependent mother and an abusive alcoholic father. Never physical, just verbal. And I always knew my dad was a very messed up person but didn't realize he was an alcoholic until I walked into Al Anon 6 months ago. My dad is a binge drinker. He is 62 now and his binges are getting closer and closer together and feel that he is quite insane now. You would only have to spend a few minutes talking to him to see it.
What I remember of my childhood with my father was extreme anger, cruelty, religious zealotry, and perfectionism. I remember it was probably 2nd grade when he started getting really angry. Before that we would be excited for dad to get home. Once the crazy train began I dreaded the sound of his footsteps coming in the house. He used to drag us to Latin Mass every Sunday in a town 2 hours away. He wouldn't let us take communion if we hadn't been to confession. Everything we did (especially missing Mass or displeasibg him) was a mortal sin and we were going to rot in purgatory or he'll for an ETERNITY. God was not loving. God was punishing and cruel. So many times he said to my mother in front of us, "I wish I never got involved with women and have these bratty kids". He liked to bemoan how difficult his life is " because I have these 6 bratty kids to take care of". If we made a 99% on a test, we could have done better. When I was in school I was pretty severely bullied and when I came home from school crying he would say in a high pitched mocking voice, "the girls are so meeeeeean to me". Just the level of his rage, was terrifying. I used to just stay in my room to avoid making him mad because sometimes the sight of me would do it. I learned to keep my mouth shut and I learned nothing I would ever do would be good enough.
My mom was very expressive towards us but never in front of my dad. HlWhen he got mad she got silent and never stood up for us, or she would engage him and there would be a huge fight. She was always our girl scout and cub scout leaders, was on the sidelines for every practice and my dad would scream at her for not keeping the house like a museum. I used to pray at night that my parents would get divorced and I would go live with my mom.
I suffered (and still suffer) with severe anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. When my mother found out that at 13 I planned on killing myself she said, "why are you doing this to me? What did I do wrong? We can't tell dad about this". So I shut up about it and started cutting to relieve the pain.
It's no wonder I married an abusive alcoholic. Yes like my dad in many ways. They are both very passionate and emotional and when my AH was drinking (he has almost 6 months sober) he was very angry both verbally and physically abusive and used the same tactic of playing the victim/martyr role to the hilt. I have become so depressed during the years of RAHs drinking I attempted suicide 4 times. I started cutting again (although I now have 8 years free from that-although lately it's a daily struggle not to).
I guess that now that I'm away from my father and RAH has stopped drinking I am having overwhelming feelings about this and my go to when I have had overwhelming feelings in the past is to go down a very, very dark path. I'm desperate and don't find 12 stepping is a good fit for me. I have a lot of issues with God.
I was raised by a very sick co dependent mother and an abusive alcoholic father. Never physical, just verbal. And I always knew my dad was a very messed up person but didn't realize he was an alcoholic until I walked into Al Anon 6 months ago. My dad is a binge drinker. He is 62 now and his binges are getting closer and closer together and feel that he is quite insane now. You would only have to spend a few minutes talking to him to see it.
What I remember of my childhood with my father was extreme anger, cruelty, religious zealotry, and perfectionism. I remember it was probably 2nd grade when he started getting really angry. Before that we would be excited for dad to get home. Once the crazy train began I dreaded the sound of his footsteps coming in the house. He used to drag us to Latin Mass every Sunday in a town 2 hours away. He wouldn't let us take communion if we hadn't been to confession. Everything we did (especially missing Mass or displeasibg him) was a mortal sin and we were going to rot in purgatory or he'll for an ETERNITY. God was not loving. God was punishing and cruel. So many times he said to my mother in front of us, "I wish I never got involved with women and have these bratty kids". He liked to bemoan how difficult his life is " because I have these 6 bratty kids to take care of". If we made a 99% on a test, we could have done better. When I was in school I was pretty severely bullied and when I came home from school crying he would say in a high pitched mocking voice, "the girls are so meeeeeean to me". Just the level of his rage, was terrifying. I used to just stay in my room to avoid making him mad because sometimes the sight of me would do it. I learned to keep my mouth shut and I learned nothing I would ever do would be good enough.
My mom was very expressive towards us but never in front of my dad. HlWhen he got mad she got silent and never stood up for us, or she would engage him and there would be a huge fight. She was always our girl scout and cub scout leaders, was on the sidelines for every practice and my dad would scream at her for not keeping the house like a museum. I used to pray at night that my parents would get divorced and I would go live with my mom.
I suffered (and still suffer) with severe anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. When my mother found out that at 13 I planned on killing myself she said, "why are you doing this to me? What did I do wrong? We can't tell dad about this". So I shut up about it and started cutting to relieve the pain.
It's no wonder I married an abusive alcoholic. Yes like my dad in many ways. They are both very passionate and emotional and when my AH was drinking (he has almost 6 months sober) he was very angry both verbally and physically abusive and used the same tactic of playing the victim/martyr role to the hilt. I have become so depressed during the years of RAHs drinking I attempted suicide 4 times. I started cutting again (although I now have 8 years free from that-although lately it's a daily struggle not to).
I guess that now that I'm away from my father and RAH has stopped drinking I am having overwhelming feelings about this and my go to when I have had overwhelming feelings in the past is to go down a very, very dark path. I'm desperate and don't find 12 stepping is a good fit for me. I have a lot of issues with God.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Terp,
welcome to this section of sr!
when I found ACoA I found the Laundry List very helpful.
The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
welcome to this section of sr!
when I found ACoA I found the Laundry List very helpful.
The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Hi Terp, welcome to our little corner of the world. There are a few of us who peak in on a regular basis.
I am sorry you have had so much pain in your life. Your childhood with that kind of religious oppression must have been so hard. You had a childhood filled with conflicting messages. On one hand Jesus loves us all, on the other God is angry and vengeful. Then there is your dad. No wonder you had such an overwhelming pressure and depression.
I have had many of the same feelings as you most of my life. It got so bad at one point I couldn't bear living anymore but couldn't take my own life either. So, I drank. And I drank until I hit bottom and surrendered. I just couldn't keep hating myself anymore. So, I decided to live. And to at least try to like myself at least a little bit.
It takes time, hurts like he'll to sometimes. But, you made a great start coming here
I am sorry you have had so much pain in your life. Your childhood with that kind of religious oppression must have been so hard. You had a childhood filled with conflicting messages. On one hand Jesus loves us all, on the other God is angry and vengeful. Then there is your dad. No wonder you had such an overwhelming pressure and depression.
I have had many of the same feelings as you most of my life. It got so bad at one point I couldn't bear living anymore but couldn't take my own life either. So, I drank. And I drank until I hit bottom and surrendered. I just couldn't keep hating myself anymore. So, I decided to live. And to at least try to like myself at least a little bit.
It takes time, hurts like he'll to sometimes. But, you made a great start coming here
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Hi, I hope you find some relief here. I would suggest reading through the stickies above, when I first did I was overcome with how it felt, I was not alone, others went the same thing I did as a kid. Writing in the blogs here and posting helped more than I ever thought it would too.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
You've come to the right place. You're one of us and we care about you. Read the stickies, ask questions, vent away. There's a lot more understanding of the formative years for the children here, so hopefully you'll find a lot more of what you're looking for on this side. 
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Terp as someone raised a Catholic I'm horrified that you were subjected to that upbringing in the name of religion. Your father would have found something to batter you with emotionally, and i don't care what beliefs people have, it's never good when they are taken to the extreme. Even coming from a milder form of Catholicism, I can relate to the guilt it induces and (for me) the feeling of being watched and judged all the time.
Look it's just a thought, but there might be therapists out there who are experienced in helping people raised in extreme religious households. Even Catholic therapists, and I can assure you that Latin based extreme version is NOT the mainstream CC. Not trying to pull you back into religion as I am an atheist, but it might help you to get to know a kinder version, and someone who understands the damage extremism can do.
Look it's just a thought, but there might be therapists out there who are experienced in helping people raised in extreme religious households. Even Catholic therapists, and I can assure you that Latin based extreme version is NOT the mainstream CC. Not trying to pull you back into religion as I am an atheist, but it might help you to get to know a kinder version, and someone who understands the damage extremism can do.
In Recovery
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 1
TerpGal, My first experiences with 12 step were in Al-anon but I've found the red book of the Adult Children program to be much more fitting. It acknowledges the trauma and helped me realize I didn't need to make amends to people who had violated my safety. Children ought to be provided with secure care and you were denied that. I blamed myself for the dysfunction in some big ways (and many subtle ways too) before I read about the ACoA fellowship of recovery.
Last edited by SaraPetal; 02-05-2015 at 12:12 AM. Reason: added a few words
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
Terp as someone raised a Catholic I'm horrified that you were subjected to that upbringing in the name of religion. Your father would have found something to batter you with emotionally, and i don't care what beliefs people have, it's never good when they are taken to the extreme. Even coming from a milder form of Catholicism, I can relate to the guilt it induces and (for me) the feeling of being watched and judged all the time.
Look it's just a thought, but there might be therapists out there who are experienced in helping people raised in extreme religious households. Even Catholic therapists, and I can assure you that Latin based extreme version is NOT the mainstream CC. Not trying to pull you back into religion as I am an atheist, but it might help you to get to know a kinder version, and someone who understands the damage extremism can do.
Look it's just a thought, but there might be therapists out there who are experienced in helping people raised in extreme religious households. Even Catholic therapists, and I can assure you that Latin based extreme version is NOT the mainstream CC. Not trying to pull you back into religion as I am an atheist, but it might help you to get to know a kinder version, and someone who understands the damage extremism can do.
I could never go back. I have been trepidatiously attending a church in town that is part of the United Church of Christ. Our pastor is the only openly gay pastor in Western MD (the gay thing really bothers me too). Our pastor is actually a really great person to talk to. I still find it soooooo hard sometimes to let my guard down in that respect.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hey Terp I fully understand. Like extremists of any stripe your father was using religion as a weapon and a justification for his own aggression. Deep issues there, and unlikely to be resolved without a lot of therapy.
Mum and Dad, while not overly religious, were prominent in our church and had priests as personal friends so I got to know a few. They really were lovely people, although some of them went on to leave and marry. My parents tended to associate with the more open minded ones though.
Glad you found a pastor you like. If I was a believer it sounds like the sort of church I'd join. BTW many of your former priests probably were gay, lol, just not openly.
Mum and Dad, while not overly religious, were prominent in our church and had priests as personal friends so I got to know a few. They really were lovely people, although some of them went on to leave and marry. My parents tended to associate with the more open minded ones though.
Glad you found a pastor you like. If I was a believer it sounds like the sort of church I'd join. BTW many of your former priests probably were gay, lol, just not openly.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by TerpGal
I'm desperate and don't find 12 stepping is a good fit for me. I have a lot of issues with God.
I had a problem with God when I started in 12 step programs. Its not uncommon. You don't have to believe anything you don't want. In fact, as far as I know belief CAN'T work by being 'made' to believe.
The God of my understanding when I entered recovery was the collective spirit of the group I attended. You know, that elusive but palpable atmosphere that occurs when people all sit together.
The actual God that got me into recovery was the G ift O f D esperation.
That's what I did, to prevent me and my beliefs being a barrier to me and my recovery.
Another friend once said: It makes sense to avail oneself of any help out there - of which 12 steps fellowships and programs are but one.
I'm glad you made it to these boards, a very warm welcome and I wish you all the very best on your journey.
Love in Fellowship
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