Husband is so insecure

Old 02-04-2015, 08:48 AM
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Question Husband is so insecure

This morning he decided to get up with me as I get up before the kids in order to watch TV, drink some coffee and just try to wake up a little before I have to start getting ready for work and make the kids breakfast , help them get ready for school. So it can be nice on these rare occasions when he gets up with me and we are able to spend a little time together and talk before the morning gets hectic, but this morning I was watching Sons of Anarchy (TV show) and to be fair the lead character is very attractive but its otherwise a show most guys would like. Well he fixed his coffee and then preceded to walk straight back upstairs into the our bedroom turned the TV on and shut the door leaving me in the living room alone. All because of what I was watching on TV and apparently his insecurity and fragile little ego or paranoia , I would never act that way, not if I wanted to spend time with him I would not care what he was watching if my intentions were good but that's the problem, I don't think his intentions are ever good when your heart is in the right place you don't treat people this way It was more important to him to try and make me feel bad (which I did not) than to actually spend a few minutes talking to me this morning the sad truth is all this did was push me farther away , bring my wall up a little bit higher, make me even more uncomfortable around him and help me to see who he truly is . Has anyone else experienced things like this?
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Old 02-04-2015, 09:50 AM
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unease...

One of the things you will learn as you spend more and more time here is the only way your AH's behavior will make sense is if you view it through the prism of addiction.

Addiction is an incredibly selfish state of existence. He is not capable of considering or empathizing with the thoughts and feelings of other people. All that matters is him, what he wants, what he needs. It doesn't faze him that he's pushing you away, and if you were to tell him he was pushing you away, he'd blame you.

In short, so long as he's in this state, he is unreachable. So the question then becomes what do you have to do in order to be sane and safe. Have you given any thought to this?
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Old 02-04-2015, 10:15 AM
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So many addicts are insecure. The drugs can help them with a temporary ego boost.. but underneath they are insecure about everything.

Since you state he is using still, you can't expect him to act "normal".

On a side note SOA is an amazing show.
And applaud you on watching a fictional show that doesn't glamorizes drug use too much. They have so many active in recovery cast members... and attempt to portray the real side of drug use.
And of course Jax is very easy on the eyes.. lmao.
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Old 02-04-2015, 10:15 AM
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are you ASSUMING that simply becuase of the tV show you were watching that it why he went back upstairs or did he specifically state that is what was bothering him?

we can often read a lot more into things than are really there. maybe he'd just had enough "normal" and wanted to go get high........
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Old 02-04-2015, 11:22 AM
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I have a lot similar but worse experiences. My axbf would tear my undergarments apart (even burnt couple) because my guy friend drop me off at home, all because he claimed he saw me kissing my friend on the cheek.... Honestly I think he was just trying to make up as many excuses as possible to justify himself to get high. And of course, blame on me.
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Old 02-04-2015, 11:57 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
are you ASSUMING that simply becuase of the tV show you were watching that it why he went back upstairs or did he specifically state that is what was bothering him?

we can often read a lot more into things than are really there. maybe he'd just had enough "normal" and wanted to go get high........
Oh No,this was not his first little temper tantrum over this specific tv show. He tries to be very controlling in a lot of ways from how I dress to where I am and what I am doing 24 hours a day and apparently now he has decided he also wants to control what I watch on tv and that ant gonna happen! I no longer am hurt by his comments on anything I wear (nothing I own or have ever warn has been inappropriate in any way) because I no longer have any respect for him much less his opinion and the more of these I'm gonna stomp off to my room and pout! fits he throws shows how crazy he is
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Old 02-04-2015, 12:05 PM
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Wink

Originally Posted by secondwind View Post
So many addicts are insecure. The drugs can help them with a temporary ego boost.. but underneath they are insecure about everything.

Since you state he is using still, you can't expect him to act "normal".

On a side note SOA is an amazing show.
And applaud you on watching a fictional show that doesn't glamorizes drug use too much. They have so many active in recovery cast members... and attempt to portray the real side of drug use.
And of course Jax is very easy on the eyes.. lmao.
Thanks secondwind! and Yes, Yes he is!!
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Old 02-05-2015, 05:27 PM
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I've seen the show and I find it extremely triggering. I would also leave the room if my husband was watching it. I understand why you think he left the room, Jax Teller is super hot. Im saying maybe think outside the box. Maybe he has seen what happens in that show in real life. Maybe it triggers him. I have several friends in AA and NA who simply can't watch it anymore. I mean you have to change people places and things. I doubt watching a show all about gun running, slanging dope, murdering children (remember when they burned the dudes daughter alive?) and pimping whores is good food for recovery.
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Old 02-05-2015, 06:14 PM
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if talking to him was so important to you, then why didnt you turn off the show for him? It goes both ways. Try looking inward, instead of shifting blame and figure out why you wouldn't budge on the issue. Is a TV show really that big of a deal? You say it isn't, or shouldnt be to him, so if it's not a big deal couldn't you have paused it?
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Old 02-08-2015, 10:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Lily1918 View Post
if talking to him was so important to you, then why didnt you turn off the show for him? It goes both ways. Try looking inward, instead of shifting blame and figure out why you wouldn't budge on the issue. Is a TV show really that big of a deal? You say it isn't, or shouldnt be to him, so if it's not a big deal couldn't you have paused it?
Wow........
And How exactly would that have helped him??
Or me ? Talking to him is not important to me anymore,because he has no interest in being honest with me or himself , if he wants anything from me he will Not get it this way, at a certain point I had to stop allowing my ah to walk all over me and stand up to him even if it's over something like this. I wasn't looking for criticism or judgement and I don't appreciate you can keep that to yourself.
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Old 02-08-2015, 01:31 PM
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I don't think his intentions are ever good when your heart is in the right place you don't treat people this way It was more important to him to try and make me feel bad (which I did not) than to actually spend a few minutes talking to me this morning the sad truth is all this did was push me farther away

You're trying to ascribe "normal" non-addict motives to his behavior, seeing his thought process through the lens of someone who is not an active addict. That's a sure way to make yourself crazy.
My ex chose alcohol over his family. I personally can't fathom the mindset that makes a decision like that, but I'm not an alcoholic. If i had a choice between drinking and having my family, I would pick my family.
These decisions are not the product of a healthy mind. That's why addiction is a disease. I wasted a lot of time trying to make sense of his thought processes, when I would have been better served looking at what was keeping me stuck in such an unhealthy relationship, subjecting myself and my sons to abusive behavior.
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Old 02-09-2015, 12:56 AM
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I'm only offering a different perspective. If he had thrown a fit over a disney movie or Boy Meets World type show, then I would be more inclined to agree that his reaction was out of line. I didn't mean to sound judgemental. I have not read your entire story.

You posted that you were upset he went upstairs and refused to talk to you earlier in the thread. You seemed to be under the impression that he only got upset because Jax is so hot, and he is insecure. I was trying to say that might not be the real reason. I was basing my statement off of that, and my own experience with the show, and opinions of the show from my sponsor and others within the rooms of NA and Naranon. SOA is controversial in the addicted community at best and despised at worst.

After some thought I can see your point over the topic in general, but because of the extremely violent nature of the show, if he is an active addict or not, I can understand why it sets him off, and I honestly doubt he would have thrown a fit if you had been watching something less... well... triggering.

I agree that you have a right to watch what you want!!! He also has a right to leave the room if it upsets him. If you don't want him to leave the room don't watch it when he is home. You have your boundaries. He has a right to his "boundaries" as well, no matter how insane they seem.
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Old 02-09-2015, 01:17 AM
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My wife watches a few shows I don't like. I leave the room too sometimes. Since she's gotten an iPad things have improved. She puts in ear plugs and streams video to the device.
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