please help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
You can't change him
None of us has any power or control over another person's choice of behavior. I should qualify that by saying if I were to hold a loaded gun to someone's head, they'd do what I said if they didn't want to risk being shot. But realistically, we don't go around putting guns to people's heads.
One of the hallmarks of alcoholism is the alcoholic denying he or she has a problem. In fact, for all the problems alcoholics have - and often blame other people for - they generally don't face up to any of them. They'll blame others, pretend as if nothing is wrong, completely avoid discussing important issues - you name it, they'll try it in order to maintain their addiction.
Yes, you're dealing with an alcoholic and discovering how destructive their behavior can be to other people. I too used to "party" with my alcoholic husband and finally one day I decided the party was over for me. It was certainly more challenging for me to deal with a drunk when I was sober than it was when I was drinking with him. But I made the decision that I wasn't going to wreck my health or my sanity by abusing alcohol.
As difficult as it is to accept, you have to do things that make you feel better about yourself and remove your primary focus from him. If you keep trying to get him to stop drinking, you will soon find that you're miserable and your life will be as unmanageable as his. Al-Anon meetings really help people remove their focus from the alcoholic in their life and place the focus on themselves.
Only you can change you. I wish you well and hope you will keep posting here and get involved in going to meetings.
One of the hallmarks of alcoholism is the alcoholic denying he or she has a problem. In fact, for all the problems alcoholics have - and often blame other people for - they generally don't face up to any of them. They'll blame others, pretend as if nothing is wrong, completely avoid discussing important issues - you name it, they'll try it in order to maintain their addiction.
Yes, you're dealing with an alcoholic and discovering how destructive their behavior can be to other people. I too used to "party" with my alcoholic husband and finally one day I decided the party was over for me. It was certainly more challenging for me to deal with a drunk when I was sober than it was when I was drinking with him. But I made the decision that I wasn't going to wreck my health or my sanity by abusing alcohol.
As difficult as it is to accept, you have to do things that make you feel better about yourself and remove your primary focus from him. If you keep trying to get him to stop drinking, you will soon find that you're miserable and your life will be as unmanageable as his. Al-Anon meetings really help people remove their focus from the alcoholic in their life and place the focus on themselves.
Only you can change you. I wish you well and hope you will keep posting here and get involved in going to meetings.
I've Taken My Life Back!!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Montana
Posts: 106
(((((((((((( happychick)))))))))))))
one word : runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!
Dont end up loosing your self esteem! I wont give any advice, but that.. Im in no position myself to, but my heart goes out to you when I read your post and boy did I relate, even though its just my roomate, I can relate... Find an Alanon meeting near you... your in my thoughts...
one word : runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!
Dont end up loosing your self esteem! I wont give any advice, but that.. Im in no position myself to, but my heart goes out to you when I read your post and boy did I relate, even though its just my roomate, I can relate... Find an Alanon meeting near you... your in my thoughts...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: indianapolis, in
Posts: 81
((((((((((((Happychick))))))))))))))))
hugs to you...it is difficult to distinquish what we feel and what we should do when we are facing the "boundaries broken" ordeal.
You will find where you are suppose to be---just begin to focus on you and your son...
how old is your son and if he is dabbling in the alcohol...you have a more important situation to focus on than the bf....the bf you can leave from quickly, but if your son gets an opportunity to really get off into the drinking--you will be facing a whole new set of codie situations....especially if he really far from the age of emanipation or 18. Seek help for the both of you too....sorry to tell you but you are not going to be able to control the bf drinking---it will sooner or later wear on him and he will break all the rules. Especially if he does not see it as a problem.
I know that it can seem overwhelming to come to realization of the reality of things but just keep hanging around here and before you know it you will have a greater understanding of the Aa thing....but taking care of you is the most important thing for you to do and making decisions will be the more difficult thing to do... find some meetings and read the powerpost and sticky's on the boards here, you will find them to be of great help.
hugs to you...it is difficult to distinquish what we feel and what we should do when we are facing the "boundaries broken" ordeal.
You will find where you are suppose to be---just begin to focus on you and your son...
how old is your son and if he is dabbling in the alcohol...you have a more important situation to focus on than the bf....the bf you can leave from quickly, but if your son gets an opportunity to really get off into the drinking--you will be facing a whole new set of codie situations....especially if he really far from the age of emanipation or 18. Seek help for the both of you too....sorry to tell you but you are not going to be able to control the bf drinking---it will sooner or later wear on him and he will break all the rules. Especially if he does not see it as a problem.
I know that it can seem overwhelming to come to realization of the reality of things but just keep hanging around here and before you know it you will have a greater understanding of the Aa thing....but taking care of you is the most important thing for you to do and making decisions will be the more difficult thing to do... find some meetings and read the powerpost and sticky's on the boards here, you will find them to be of great help.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 168
I am in alot of ways in the same situation as you are the only difference is I knew my bf had a drug and alcohol problem before we got back together. We dated 12 years ago I fell in love with him then , he moved across the country and I was forced to try to move on with my life. I spent 7 and 1/2 years with an emotionally abussive man and had 2 girls. Now me and my bf have been back together for about a year. The only thing you can is focus on yourself and your son and pray for the bf. My bf knows and admits he has a problem and tries but still slips on a regular basis its a very hard habit to break. Keep coming here there are alot of great people here and you can talk and get non-judgemental advice. Good Luck hun.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hey happychick
Welcome to SR. Have you ever thought about checking into Al-Anon? It has helped me to learn to care for myself. I really didn't know how to do that before I started to go to Al-Anon. I won't tell you to stay or to leave. That is your decision, and either way, we are here to support you. If it were simple to just leave, none of us would be here. We love people who have a serious problem, and we need to learn how to cope. The first thing I learned in Al-Anon was the 3 C's; I didn't cause the drinking, I can't cure alcoholism, and I can't control it. Once I learned that, I was able to start learning to take care of me, and how to love without losing myself. Just consider that it is there for you if you want it. Glad you have joined us. Hugs, Magic
Welcome to SR. Have you ever thought about checking into Al-Anon? It has helped me to learn to care for myself. I really didn't know how to do that before I started to go to Al-Anon. I won't tell you to stay or to leave. That is your decision, and either way, we are here to support you. If it were simple to just leave, none of us would be here. We love people who have a serious problem, and we need to learn how to cope. The first thing I learned in Al-Anon was the 3 C's; I didn't cause the drinking, I can't cure alcoholism, and I can't control it. Once I learned that, I was able to start learning to take care of me, and how to love without losing myself. Just consider that it is there for you if you want it. Glad you have joined us. Hugs, Magic
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