WMJ1012

Certain things maybe farther back than others?

I got a memory tonight when sitting with God after asking Him, "Help me remember the first time I was afraid to speak up.

I got a memory of my parents catching up at dinner after their day. They were talking so much I actually raised my hand to speak on several occasions. I wonder if it became that that was the way I got to talk eventually. Not sure. I only remember doing it then pulling my hand back down in embarrassment.

Anyone else deal with that? Did ACA help bring back the memories you've stored away ?

PurpleKnight

I can remember situations when my dad would arrive home drunk and end up in arguments with my mum, very specific details, myself and my sister would have been in bed long beforehand, this would have been around the age of 4/5yrs old, bedtime was probably about 6/7pm and I'd be woken up at about 10/11pm, maybe even later, when my dad came in.

I always think about how messed up the development of my brain in early childhood must have been, listening and living through all of that, in hindsight though I wasn't in fear of my own safety or anything, it was just such an uncomfortable situation to live through, and I would then go to school the next morning as if nothing happened and not talk to anyone about it.

Life was pretty chaotic in those years, and then in my teenage years, it didn't get any better as my parents went through a legal separation and divorce, there was a custody battle over my sister and me, so things got even more chaotic, but again I went to school as normal, said nothing to anyone and bottled it all up.

It wasn't until I left school and went to university, that I finally got away from all of that, I could build a life for myself, the problem with being a child is whatever irresponsible adults you're living with, you have no control over it, you just have to put up with it, despite what the consequences in terms of mental development, who knows, but I just had to get on with it throughout all those years, and even now dwell on and try to come to peace with my childhood experiences.

My dad passed away a few years back, and there's something very cold about alcoholism in the fact that alcohol blinded him from any wrong doing or the taking of any responsibility for the consequences it created, again everyone in it's wake simply has to get on with it, knowing there probably won't be an apology or something to cling onto when a person themselves doesn't admit they even have a problem!!

Soberpotamus

I have some memories going pretty far back. My earliest memory is of lying on my back in my crib looking up at the little plastic animals dangling from my mobile! I described the animals to my mom and grandmom and they validated that I was remembering correctly.

After that, I have some vivid memories along with some memory lapses. There was chaos and violence along with some really great times. My mother was the alcoholic and invited the chaos into our lives unfortunately. My grandparents were my rock though, and they saved me from some of it, thankfully.

ajarlson

I don't remember anything before my grandparents took me in at age 3. Then I have bits and pieces, snuggling with my grandmother, shoe shopping at Buster Brown. I'm glad I don't remember anything until then though.

advbike

I don't have any memories before about 5 or 6 years of age. We lived overseas (dad was a civil engineer, building airbases and things). My 9 year old sister was killed in a plane crash when I was 4 yrs old and that threw the family into turmoil. We moved back to the States and dad tried to be domestic but it didn't last too long before he headed back overseas, where he worked the remainder of his adult life. He was a functional alcoholic and loved adventure, but I hardly knew him.

Mom was not an alcoholic but was very religious and of course probably carrying a lot of pain over putting my sister on that plane. But she tried hard, even through the divorce that came later. Life was kind of chaotic. I must have just checked out at some point as my earliest memories don't start until around kindergarten, or first grade, and not many of those either. After that it wasn't too bad, we were in California, but I just remember that it wasn't that much fun.

Kialua

We moved so often it's easy to remember each house and how old I was. I can remember back being 2 years old and many events. Before my younger sister came along when I was 4, so I must have been 3, I had a crystal clear breakthrough event. I was in my room, summer, sun still up peeking through the shade, hearing other kids outside playing and my older sibling getting beat and yelling and screaming in my house. I sat in my room and said to myself about my parents, "These people are nuts...I will never be like them when I grow up...I will be nice to kids...I can't wait to grow up and get out of here."

makomago

For sure ACA 'helped' with that for me... It sometimes doesn't feel like 'help' though, at least not for me. By that I mean its painful.

It says in 'The Solution', read at ACA meetings;

"Feelings and buried memories will return. By gradually releasing the burden of unexpressed grief, we slowly move out of the past"

I've found it quite strange the way things that come back and the timing. It's a curious process. The returning memories and feelings returning aren't linear in my experience i.e. that my first memory comes back, then my second. Or my first year, then my second year - I use first memory and year for illustrative purposes -

I've got memory of certain traumatic events. I've always known about them, I've never denied the incident. But my feelings toward them have very much changed, I denied the feelings. Denial was the coping mechanism.

As you've described your experience; I can identify. I've had similar experiences.

Thank you for sharing

makomago

OK... Earliest memory (maybe I missed the original point);

I think my earliest memory I was aged 2. I was living in Antigua, I remember using some kind of leaves, which my Dad would create 'play' swords. We'd play sword fighting.

I remember him building a sailing boat and me working with him. I remember the little girl I used to play with. I remember going fishing with him....

I used to have a fish phobia (wtf?, really I did). Before I found recovery, someone asked me why, what happened. I had a sudden memory of my dad catching fish and then cutting their heads off, I remember crying and being afraid.

When I remembered the incident my phobia went immediately!!! Wow.

My Dad confirmed this story and apparently I asked him to put the heads back on and let them go.

I remember my first introduction to abandonment on that island too.

Mostly, though, my memories of that time are happy. In fact following suggestions in the big red book, or yellow book (I can't remember) I found some childhood photos. I can almost see the time when I went from happy carefree innocence to lost and alone.

I carry that sense of being alone and have done for a very long time. It's actually a line my Mum would always remind me; You are always alone, even in a crowd. I'm not sure she said it maliciously, she was probably just passing on what she had. BUT I believed it back then and now I can't shake it, even though I know 'logically' it is untrue. That loneliness is part of my spiritual malady. And as far as I've experienced only a contact with a power greater than me can alleviate it.

Sometimes that power is the collective spirit of like minded individuals (Like all you people) who are willing to share their story and allow me to share mine. Sometimes I have a very clear concept and knowledge of that HP. Sometimes, I have none. I don't like having none, but I think that sometimes I'm allowed to go and learn and grow by myself, to make my own mistakes and (hopefully) expand and grow as a result.

What seems to be very real for me today, I'm not beating myself up for those mistakes and in my immediate now, they're big ones (by my own understanding).

Thank you for listening.

kudzujean

Earliest memories I can assign a general date too is a trip my family took to FL when
I was 3 1/2 years old.

I've heard some people say things like, they can't remember anything before they were age 11, or something similar. In that case, there's definitely something dead up the creek. Of course, there's dead up the creek in my case too.

Kialua

My younger sister has no memories at all of all the abuse me and my other sibs endured. She claims it never happened. Though I literally threw my body across her to shield her she says it never happened. So some do have no memories and that just mystifies me.

NWGRITS

I have spotty memories from age 2 on, but my AM is in very few of the early ones. She was up at 5am and asleep by 7pm every day. My dad and my grandmother were the most present people in my life until dad left when I was 4.

anattaboy

I remember seeing my dad slap my mom around and slinging plates of food back at her if it was wrong. My mom is schizophrenic since about age 30 and has been in homes since then. Oddly, he never laid a hand on his second wife. She was alcoholic and benzo muncher and berated him often. She passed in '06 and I was kinda happy about that. He was like her dog. Nowadays he's a senior horndog and it's kinda disgusting.. Took my 4 yr. old over around x-mass as I've limited contact with my wierdo fam and the first thing he does is introduce her first, then me to his new squeeze with a big proud grin. Had to ask me her name again (her name is rather original--hard to forget) Will probably be awhile before my daughter sees her grampa again. I was over it long ago but I think we all wish for a little something that will never be there.

Bailey3

I can remember sitting on the stairs one morning looking at my parents in the kitchen. Forget my age but, was very young. I had a strong feeling of apprehension and fear of my father. Turns out I was right about that feeling.

OGK

My childhood memories are very vivid and have been for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately they are mostly violent and neglectful. The interesting part is that ACA allowed me to look past those events and drill down to two very important things that have helped me. My life was not "normal" and I had been "guessing at what normal was". I think that if I hadn't come to those revelations via ACA work, I'd still be "powering" through life and just drinking to try and ignore the memories that remain vivid. I find it utterly fascinating hearing about what ACA uncovers for each individual. It's all very different in the broad sense but when I boil it down, I'm ok with the fact that my traits are most likely here to stay, I just have the tools now to manage them in a healthy way. Great share, thanks for the jolt on a Sunday evening.
OGK

OGK

Sorry, I may have veered off the topic, specifically memories? Unfortunately, I remember every incident, every word and every moment that there were no words spoken or specific events. My wonderful familial gift of OCD has allowed me to stew on every single moment, starting with drowning at about 3. I used that roladex to fuel my drinking, no doubt. So related to ACA how you say? Now I'm thankful that I can recall all of it as it gives me a wonderful punch list to come to terms with and manage in a healthy way. Once again, these are all powerful and extremely beneficial shares.
Thanks
OGK

H20nly

Most of the adults I had consistent contact with growing up were alcoholics. I have all kinds of terrible early memories: arguing, fists flying, black eyes, divorce, physical abuse, stuff that's mixed up with dreams... A defense mechanism? I can't be sure. Vividly once, a pair of scissors whizzing by me when I was around 4... thrown by my mother at my father, who was standing next to me, drying off after a shower- to stick, quivering in the wall a foot from my head. That said, I try to focus on the better ones- like when I was around the same age and my best friend and I were laying between two tall buildings that were a few feet apart and watching huge clouds float across a thin patch of sky and we thought we could feel the world spinning under us.