Insight Appreciated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1
Insight Appreciated
Hi All,
I am new to this forum. I am new to reaching out for help. Tonight I will attend my first al anon meeting. I've read thru many a threads, but realize each situation is unique- as is mine.
I've been with my husband 9 years, married less than 2. When we first met I too was in to partying. Then a few years into our relationship I got pregnant, and well things changed for me!! We continued on a rocky path. He does not drink daily, but instead jumps at a chance to go hang with his buddies- which usually meant he would not come home for sometimes days at a time, spending money we didn't have. A lot of trust in our relationship has been lost. When he did come home he was miserable. We eventually moved away to get away from 'the crowd'. He's improved drastically, but the slip ups still happen. We now have 2 kids. He works away, so we moved back to our home town so I could be close to family/help while he is away at work, but with that meant moving back near his old drinking buddies. He swore up and down it would be different- but once again at least once a shift he finds an excuse to head out and another excuse to stay out and do things that effect us financially and mentally. He admits he's an alcoholic. After Xmas he even said he wanted to quit drinking for 6 months and reevaluate the situation at that time. I don't know what's happened between now and then, but now he doesn't want to quit drinking. He can 'have a few and stop' and the 'only reason he goes on benders is because we are fighting'. I know I've been trying to control him, in hopes that he's change, and I know it doesn't work like that. But now I don't even know what to do. He obviously doesn't intend to quit, and I can't sit back wondering if tonight is the next night he won't come home.
Like I said, I'm hoping al anon gives me something, at this point any help would be great, cause I can't keep living like this. Any insight from anyone would be greatly appreciated!!
I am new to this forum. I am new to reaching out for help. Tonight I will attend my first al anon meeting. I've read thru many a threads, but realize each situation is unique- as is mine.
I've been with my husband 9 years, married less than 2. When we first met I too was in to partying. Then a few years into our relationship I got pregnant, and well things changed for me!! We continued on a rocky path. He does not drink daily, but instead jumps at a chance to go hang with his buddies- which usually meant he would not come home for sometimes days at a time, spending money we didn't have. A lot of trust in our relationship has been lost. When he did come home he was miserable. We eventually moved away to get away from 'the crowd'. He's improved drastically, but the slip ups still happen. We now have 2 kids. He works away, so we moved back to our home town so I could be close to family/help while he is away at work, but with that meant moving back near his old drinking buddies. He swore up and down it would be different- but once again at least once a shift he finds an excuse to head out and another excuse to stay out and do things that effect us financially and mentally. He admits he's an alcoholic. After Xmas he even said he wanted to quit drinking for 6 months and reevaluate the situation at that time. I don't know what's happened between now and then, but now he doesn't want to quit drinking. He can 'have a few and stop' and the 'only reason he goes on benders is because we are fighting'. I know I've been trying to control him, in hopes that he's change, and I know it doesn't work like that. But now I don't even know what to do. He obviously doesn't intend to quit, and I can't sit back wondering if tonight is the next night he won't come home.
Like I said, I'm hoping al anon gives me something, at this point any help would be great, cause I can't keep living like this. Any insight from anyone would be greatly appreciated!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
G- he is going to find any excuse to drink because he is an alcoholic, and that's what they do. what u need to do is just mind your business and take care of u and your kids.
Alanon meeting are awesome. Keep reading and educating yourself about the disease. The more you know, will help you in the future.
Hugs my new friend and welcome to SR.
Alanon meeting are awesome. Keep reading and educating yourself about the disease. The more you know, will help you in the future.
Hugs my new friend and welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, greneed--glad you found your way here. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope shared.
I see that you've been reading here already. Although, as you say, each situation is unique in some ways, what's even more striking is how much they are NOT unique. There is a general pattern that's followed, and it's helpful to know and understand this. Keep on reading as much as you can, and make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. This is an example of what you'll find in the stickies, and a good place to start: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I'm glad to hear you're looking into Alanon. For me, Alanon and SR has been a powerful combination for change and growth. If you can, you may want to try a few different meetings, as they can have very different "flavors"--one may feel more like home to you than another.
Like they say in Alanon, "it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not." Wishing you strength and clarity as you start your recovery.
I see that you've been reading here already. Although, as you say, each situation is unique in some ways, what's even more striking is how much they are NOT unique. There is a general pattern that's followed, and it's helpful to know and understand this. Keep on reading as much as you can, and make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. This is an example of what you'll find in the stickies, and a good place to start: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I'm glad to hear you're looking into Alanon. For me, Alanon and SR has been a powerful combination for change and growth. If you can, you may want to try a few different meetings, as they can have very different "flavors"--one may feel more like home to you than another.
Like they say in Alanon, "it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not." Wishing you strength and clarity as you start your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Thank you for your posting...I have been scared to go to an Al Anon meeting due to my husband's reaction to it, but I know I must go. I just found out he is going to a concert on Thursday night so that will be my chance. My AH also says I am the reason that he drinks...I treat him bad...don't hold up my end of the marriage...says he keeps this family together,,,it's so sad. Sometimes I wish he would leave the house and go to the bar or a friend's house so I could have some peace, until he comes home... I know in my heart it is not my fault...and it is NOT yours. They will find any excuse to get drunk. At least you moved back to your home town where you have family and friends support. I do not. And that is painful. Hopefully I will get some support at Al Anon...hang in there. you are not alone in this...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
My AH wanted to quit too. He admitted many times to me that he was an alcoholic and that it was a problem. He would quit and make a good effort for a month, and even did a 3 month stint in AA, or two but the disease of alcoholism doesn't let you off that easy. You can have the best intentions to quit drinking, but without accountability and a program of recovery, it's most likely going to bite you in the rear end and you'll be drinking again. The disease lies to them, it tells them it's ok to just have 1 or 2 beers or just one night of binging; no one's going to know, no one's going to get hurt.
I suggest you read up on alcoholism and what it is like for the alcoholic and also find help for yourself through Al Anon. My AH hated that I went to meetings but I went anyway. He'd make fun of them, belittle me for going, crack jokes as I was walking out the door (when he realized that his anger and sulking weren't stopping me he moved on to humor and sarcasm).
An alcoholic is going to blame anybody or anything else for their drinking. You are the easy target right now. Once I detached and stopped engaging about the drinking, my AH started blaming other things for his drinking: his job, the economy, other people, his awful terrible life, etc. Please don't listen to his blame game. It's just another tool he uses to continue in his disease and to live in his own denial.
I do hope you get to a meeting and if the one you find doesn't work out or doesn't mesh with you, try another. Some meetings offer babysitting for a small fee so you can look into that, too. Hugs to you, many of us here have been where you are; you are not alone.
I suggest you read up on alcoholism and what it is like for the alcoholic and also find help for yourself through Al Anon. My AH hated that I went to meetings but I went anyway. He'd make fun of them, belittle me for going, crack jokes as I was walking out the door (when he realized that his anger and sulking weren't stopping me he moved on to humor and sarcasm).
An alcoholic is going to blame anybody or anything else for their drinking. You are the easy target right now. Once I detached and stopped engaging about the drinking, my AH started blaming other things for his drinking: his job, the economy, other people, his awful terrible life, etc. Please don't listen to his blame game. It's just another tool he uses to continue in his disease and to live in his own denial.
I do hope you get to a meeting and if the one you find doesn't work out or doesn't mesh with you, try another. Some meetings offer babysitting for a small fee so you can look into that, too. Hugs to you, many of us here have been where you are; you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome to SR. I am so glad you are here!
First, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! There are three saying here that apply to all addictions and this is it: (The three C's)
You did not Cause it, You cannot Control it, You cannot Cure it!
Depending on your faith base, you may want to try Celebrate Recovery who mostly offers child services via either babysitting or age appropriate classes. It really helped me through a very difficult time.
I also credit coming here to SR, and therapy with a therapist who specializes in helping families with addiction. This all helped build me up to know that no matter what happened in the outcome, my children and I would be OK. And you know what, it's true, we are.
Many hugs coming your way!
First, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! There are three saying here that apply to all addictions and this is it: (The three C's)
You did not Cause it, You cannot Control it, You cannot Cure it!
Depending on your faith base, you may want to try Celebrate Recovery who mostly offers child services via either babysitting or age appropriate classes. It really helped me through a very difficult time.
I also credit coming here to SR, and therapy with a therapist who specializes in helping families with addiction. This all helped build me up to know that no matter what happened in the outcome, my children and I would be OK. And you know what, it's true, we are.
Many hugs coming your way!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Hi greneed, welcome to SR!
You've gotten some great advice already & I hope you take honeypig's suggestions to read around the sticky threads - they rock!
I'm going to play devil's advocate here & ask "what makes your situation unique?"
I ask because being a member here has shown me very clearly that we are oftentimes much more similar than we want to realize at first & that treating our situations as "terminally unique" sometimes becomes a huge obstacle for us to overcome. You may be surprised at how many common threads our lives tend to have.
I hope you stick around, this is a great place to turn to for support & shared experiences. ((((hugs))))
You've gotten some great advice already & I hope you take honeypig's suggestions to read around the sticky threads - they rock!
I've read thru many a threads, but realize each situation is unique- as is mine.
I ask because being a member here has shown me very clearly that we are oftentimes much more similar than we want to realize at first & that treating our situations as "terminally unique" sometimes becomes a huge obstacle for us to overcome. You may be surprised at how many common threads our lives tend to have.
I hope you stick around, this is a great place to turn to for support & shared experiences. ((((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
Hey there. Our stories are a bit similar even though I have no children. My RAH and I have been together almost 14 years and married for 8 1/2. Our relationship started out similarly, we were both college students in the Greek system and we partied. Pretty typical for that age group. When we moved out on our own after college, we partied. Until around the age of 26 or so when I had grown out of it. He never did and eventually became his own drinking buddy.
My AH is in recovery now and has been sober 6 months in a little over a week. But during his drinking, he made all kinds of excuses, "i don't want to live like this anymore", "I don't want to be that angry guy anymore", "I stop drinking once I start working out again". He was also abusive when he was drunk. All I can say is until your AH is really ready, he's not going to stop drinking. I know for me, being stuck in this, especially the last 5 years or so has been immeasurably damaging. So damaging in fact I wonder if there's a way out. And for your kids........I was raised by an alcoholic father who is still active to this day. I can say growing up in that situation led to some pretty unhealthy behaviors that have probably led me on the path I am now. I learned to hide in my room or just not be seen to avoid making dad mad. I learned to stuff my own feelings and "not make waves" to keep dad from getting mad. I learned nothing I did was ever good enough. And those "skills" while useful at the time are really damaging to me as an adult.
I don't know how old your kids are, but this or something like it will be their future growing up in an alcoholic household. You most certainly do not deserve this and neither do they.
My AH is in recovery now and has been sober 6 months in a little over a week. But during his drinking, he made all kinds of excuses, "i don't want to live like this anymore", "I don't want to be that angry guy anymore", "I stop drinking once I start working out again". He was also abusive when he was drunk. All I can say is until your AH is really ready, he's not going to stop drinking. I know for me, being stuck in this, especially the last 5 years or so has been immeasurably damaging. So damaging in fact I wonder if there's a way out. And for your kids........I was raised by an alcoholic father who is still active to this day. I can say growing up in that situation led to some pretty unhealthy behaviors that have probably led me on the path I am now. I learned to hide in my room or just not be seen to avoid making dad mad. I learned to stuff my own feelings and "not make waves" to keep dad from getting mad. I learned nothing I did was ever good enough. And those "skills" while useful at the time are really damaging to me as an adult.
I don't know how old your kids are, but this or something like it will be their future growing up in an alcoholic household. You most certainly do not deserve this and neither do they.
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