My Experience is Mine
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
My Experience is Mine
When I first met my AH, we both were sober and doing great. A few years into our relationship, he decided to secretly relapse, which I ended up finding out about because he became belligerent at a concert, and I knew something was different. From that point on, he wanted to continue to drink.
Even though I know that an alcoholic cannot moderate, I still TRY to impose a 2 beer limit boundary, as well as a boundary of no drinking in the apartment, because these boundaries keep me safe while I am still in this relationship. I am not ready to leave. If I just allowed my husband to drink as much as he wanted and in our apartment, I would be increasing my risk for both verbal and physical abuse. I do not have an agenda to suggest these control tactics to other members, but this is what is helping me stay safe at the time since I am still in this relationship.
Furthermore, my AH had nothing when he met me, no money and no car. He grew up on crystal meth, and so he did not know how to take care of himself. In the couple years that he was sober in our relationship, he began to attain more, and I also trusted him with more responsibilities. When he chose to relapse a couple years ago, his growth stopped. He stopped being able to learn how to become a responsible adult because alcohol and weed were more important to him. In other words, when he chose to relapse, he decided that being treated like a kid was less important than being able to use and escape. He cannot pay bills, cannot be responsible or trustworthy with money because he chose active addiction instead. I decided to stay in the relationship when he relapsed, but I will not let an active addict ruin my credit, have bills go unpaid, deplete my bank account, etc. etc. Does it suck that he is being treated like a child without any responsibility? Yes, but that is the choice he made when he decided to pick up.
Even though I know that an alcoholic cannot moderate, I still TRY to impose a 2 beer limit boundary, as well as a boundary of no drinking in the apartment, because these boundaries keep me safe while I am still in this relationship. I am not ready to leave. If I just allowed my husband to drink as much as he wanted and in our apartment, I would be increasing my risk for both verbal and physical abuse. I do not have an agenda to suggest these control tactics to other members, but this is what is helping me stay safe at the time since I am still in this relationship.
Furthermore, my AH had nothing when he met me, no money and no car. He grew up on crystal meth, and so he did not know how to take care of himself. In the couple years that he was sober in our relationship, he began to attain more, and I also trusted him with more responsibilities. When he chose to relapse a couple years ago, his growth stopped. He stopped being able to learn how to become a responsible adult because alcohol and weed were more important to him. In other words, when he chose to relapse, he decided that being treated like a kid was less important than being able to use and escape. He cannot pay bills, cannot be responsible or trustworthy with money because he chose active addiction instead. I decided to stay in the relationship when he relapsed, but I will not let an active addict ruin my credit, have bills go unpaid, deplete my bank account, etc. etc. Does it suck that he is being treated like a child without any responsibility? Yes, but that is the choice he made when he decided to pick up.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
I understand JB. I did the same things. Imposing limits, controlling the money...even though I knew it wasn't going to help long-term. I did it anyway, because I felt l needed to at the time.
If you are not ready then you are not ready.
Do what you need to do and be safe.
(((HUGS)))
If you are not ready then you are not ready.
Do what you need to do and be safe.
(((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
hey look--- we all want for YOU to find peace and serenity-- at least I know I do.
You sound like a really stubborn chick- and I admire that--I just wonder how EXHAUSTING it must be for you to HAVE to have all that control like that, ya know?
I've admitted a lot of crap on SR that was REALLY difficult for me-- I feel like you are defending yourself when I read your posts. I mean don't get me wrong- you are strong and don't budge when you are talking about your situation, but also a lot of defending. Almost like you KNOW that maybe you *might* be a bit on the controlling side?
What happens if you do leave AH and find someone new, are those controlling tendencies going to follow you? By HAVING to do this to protect yourself, what behaviors are you learning?
I'm not criticizing you JB, I'm just trying to present a different perspective. It sounds like you are trying to get validation for your own behavior that you KNOW is not appropriate. And that you are acting inappropriate and blaming your behavior on AH.
A's do that to us all the time. They say, I act like this because of you.
I think you are smarter than that.
I know I pissed you off---and I dig you-- I'm just trying to say that it sounds like you want validation for behavior that might be questionable.
hugs to you
You sound like a really stubborn chick- and I admire that--I just wonder how EXHAUSTING it must be for you to HAVE to have all that control like that, ya know?
I've admitted a lot of crap on SR that was REALLY difficult for me-- I feel like you are defending yourself when I read your posts. I mean don't get me wrong- you are strong and don't budge when you are talking about your situation, but also a lot of defending. Almost like you KNOW that maybe you *might* be a bit on the controlling side?
What happens if you do leave AH and find someone new, are those controlling tendencies going to follow you? By HAVING to do this to protect yourself, what behaviors are you learning?
I'm not criticizing you JB, I'm just trying to present a different perspective. It sounds like you are trying to get validation for your own behavior that you KNOW is not appropriate. And that you are acting inappropriate and blaming your behavior on AH.
A's do that to us all the time. They say, I act like this because of you.
I think you are smarter than that.
I know I pissed you off---and I dig you-- I'm just trying to say that it sounds like you want validation for behavior that might be questionable.
hugs to you
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I am not ready to leave. If I just allowed my husband to drink as much as he wanted and in our apartment, I would be increasing my risk for both verbal and physical abuse.
Just know though, that you put yourself at risk by staying with an abusive man. He doesn't put you at risk because he drinks regardless of the amount.
When the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving you'll make your move. No one can make an alcoholic stop drinking and no one can make a wife leave her abusive husband. When you're ready, you'll be ready. Until then, I hope you take care of yourself and your sobriety.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Hey JB.... If this is what is working for you now, I'm not going to pass judgement. I felt that the last thread went a little too far with comments and I'm sorry for the harshness.
I see you are trying to keep yourself safe. I did the same thing with my youngest daughter's dad. But in the end, no amount of controlling mattered. He stole money from me, and the moment I had had enough of the abuse and left, he made every effort to make me suffer. My credit went to crap, I lost my house, almost my car, I have unpaid bills from 6 years ago, and he took house necessities from me just to spite me.
My relationship continued to drain me and the only solution was to leave. I am STILL working on my credit!
I see you are trying to keep yourself safe. I did the same thing with my youngest daughter's dad. But in the end, no amount of controlling mattered. He stole money from me, and the moment I had had enough of the abuse and left, he made every effort to make me suffer. My credit went to crap, I lost my house, almost my car, I have unpaid bills from 6 years ago, and he took house necessities from me just to spite me.
My relationship continued to drain me and the only solution was to leave. I am STILL working on my credit!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I was sober twelve years when I got into the worst relationship of my life with another recovering alcoholic. What was a lifesaver was Alanon, where I saw I traded up addictions by putting the focus on someone else's disease instead of my own. I didn't even see how crazy my thinking had become. I recommend checking out some meetings, the support is tremendous.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
JB,
Thanks for sharing your perspective. Living with someone in active addiction, even if there aren’t outrageous or frequent consequences, is exhausting. I grew up with a parent who was at times a loving mother, and at others made our home a living hell. Later in life, I came to grips with the fact that I had become just like my mother in all the ways I swore I never would. Trying to navigate a relationship with someone like that is like flying blind, you never know what’s next, and playing “defense” becomes a way of life. Whether as the alcoholic/addict or as someone in a relationship with one, we are all here for the same reason: we are trying to get to a place where we can live safely and reasonably happily. Sometimes that means leaving the A/A, sometimes it means learning to simply stick to our side of the street to the greatest extent possible. But I believe this to be almost universally true of all of us here at SR: we are honestly trying to help ourselves and our fellows. It’s just that there is no one formula that works for everybody, and all each of us can honestly share is what worked for us from our perspective.
Keep working on it, and as they say in the rooms – “take what you can use and leave the rest.” Life does get better if we remain honest, open and willing in our quest. Keep the faith.
Thanks for sharing your perspective. Living with someone in active addiction, even if there aren’t outrageous or frequent consequences, is exhausting. I grew up with a parent who was at times a loving mother, and at others made our home a living hell. Later in life, I came to grips with the fact that I had become just like my mother in all the ways I swore I never would. Trying to navigate a relationship with someone like that is like flying blind, you never know what’s next, and playing “defense” becomes a way of life. Whether as the alcoholic/addict or as someone in a relationship with one, we are all here for the same reason: we are trying to get to a place where we can live safely and reasonably happily. Sometimes that means leaving the A/A, sometimes it means learning to simply stick to our side of the street to the greatest extent possible. But I believe this to be almost universally true of all of us here at SR: we are honestly trying to help ourselves and our fellows. It’s just that there is no one formula that works for everybody, and all each of us can honestly share is what worked for us from our perspective.
Keep working on it, and as they say in the rooms – “take what you can use and leave the rest.” Life does get better if we remain honest, open and willing in our quest. Keep the faith.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
If you are happy, I am happy.
It is a bit of an unconventional relationship.
If it works for you, it should not be anybody else's business. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and as long as he doesn't leave you in ruin, or hurt you, I say go for it!
It is a bit of an unconventional relationship.
If it works for you, it should not be anybody else's business. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and as long as he doesn't leave you in ruin, or hurt you, I say go for it!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I know many people wouldn't make your choices, but it seems to me that your eyes are wide open, and if you regret it later you won't be blaming others.
I was interested in the background, about how he started developing some skills until he relapsed when it stopped. He's not drinking much now, do you think he'll improve or is the weed inhibiting that?
I was interested in the background, about how he started developing some skills until he relapsed when it stopped. He's not drinking much now, do you think he'll improve or is the weed inhibiting that?
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
that my Dear is so very very true.. prayers Stand Tall Hold the High Ground and keep trying. for yourself. if for nothing else.. ardy...
Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980 
When I first met my AH, we both were sober and doing great. A few years into our relationship, he decided to secretly relapse, which I ended up finding out about because he became belligerent at a concert, and I knew something was different. From that point on, he wanted to continue to drink.
Even though I know that an alcoholic cannot moderate, I still TRY to impose a 2 beer limit boundary, as well as a boundary of no drinking in the apartment, because these boundaries keep me safe while I am still in this relationship. I am not ready to leave. If I just allowed my husband to drink as much as he wanted and in our apartment, I would be increasing my risk for both verbal and physical abuse. I do not have an agenda to suggest these control tactics to other members, but this is what is helping me stay safe at the time since I am still in this relationship.
Furthermore, my AH had nothing when he met me, no money and no car. He grew up on crystal meth, and so he did not know how to take care of himself. In the couple years that he was sober in our relationship, he began to attain more, and I also trusted him with more responsibilities. When he chose to relapse a couple years ago, his growth stopped. He stopped being able to learn how to become a responsible adult because alcohol and weed were more important to him. In other words, when he chose to relapse, he decided that being treated like a kid was less important than being able to use and escape. He cannot pay bills, cannot be responsible or trustworthy with money because he chose active addiction instead. I decided to stay in the relationship when he relapsed, but I will not let an active addict ruin my credit, have bills go unpaid, deplete my bank account, etc. etc. Does it suck that he is being treated like a child without any responsibility? Yes, but that is the choice he made when he decided to pick up.
Even though I know that an alcoholic cannot moderate, I still TRY to impose a 2 beer limit boundary, as well as a boundary of no drinking in the apartment, because these boundaries keep me safe while I am still in this relationship. I am not ready to leave. If I just allowed my husband to drink as much as he wanted and in our apartment, I would be increasing my risk for both verbal and physical abuse. I do not have an agenda to suggest these control tactics to other members, but this is what is helping me stay safe at the time since I am still in this relationship.
Furthermore, my AH had nothing when he met me, no money and no car. He grew up on crystal meth, and so he did not know how to take care of himself. In the couple years that he was sober in our relationship, he began to attain more, and I also trusted him with more responsibilities. When he chose to relapse a couple years ago, his growth stopped. He stopped being able to learn how to become a responsible adult because alcohol and weed were more important to him. In other words, when he chose to relapse, he decided that being treated like a kid was less important than being able to use and escape. He cannot pay bills, cannot be responsible or trustworthy with money because he chose active addiction instead. I decided to stay in the relationship when he relapsed, but I will not let an active addict ruin my credit, have bills go unpaid, deplete my bank account, etc. etc. Does it suck that he is being treated like a child without any responsibility? Yes, but that is the choice he made when he decided to pick up.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
thanks Eddiebuckle so very very much... prayers ardy...
Originally Posted by Eddiebuckle
JB,
Keep working on it, and as they say in the rooms – “take what you can use and leave the rest.” Life does get better if we remain honest, open and willing in our quest. Keep the faith.
Keep working on it, and as they say in the rooms – “take what you can use and leave the rest.” Life does get better if we remain honest, open and willing in our quest. Keep the faith.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Thank you all for your posts. I have been busy at work lately.
But, yes, taking care of an active alcoholic is very exhausting for me. Sometimes I wonder if other people who know me wonder why I get so much rest and am sometimes tired. I often wonder if they think I am lazy. But the truth is that taking care of an AH is like a full-time job and is exhausting. I joked and told my AH this the other night in how much he exhausts me.
And even though most of the time right now he is able to moderate and stay within normal limits, there is always that unpredictability that I have to deal with. And whereas I would like to have more sober fun, I know he picks places on his days off where he can have his two beers.
This is my life right now, and I am choosing it. I think what keeps me in it right now are my AH's good qualities - he can be caring, likes to cook for me, likes to be around me, etc. etc.
But, yes, taking care of an active alcoholic is very exhausting for me. Sometimes I wonder if other people who know me wonder why I get so much rest and am sometimes tired. I often wonder if they think I am lazy. But the truth is that taking care of an AH is like a full-time job and is exhausting. I joked and told my AH this the other night in how much he exhausts me.
And even though most of the time right now he is able to moderate and stay within normal limits, there is always that unpredictability that I have to deal with. And whereas I would like to have more sober fun, I know he picks places on his days off where he can have his two beers.
This is my life right now, and I am choosing it. I think what keeps me in it right now are my AH's good qualities - he can be caring, likes to cook for me, likes to be around me, etc. etc.
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