Caught myself in a codie moment...
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Caught myself in a codie moment...
I stopped myself today from doing something I had done last month in a code moment. Here's the history that brings you current to today:
Dec. 20: AH is seriously messed up. Turns out he's been doing pot, beer, mushrooms, and Rx pills.
Dec. 20-24: Daily hell.
Dec. 24: Find about 50 2mg Klonopin in my AH's pants pocket in his closet. Freak out more. Stomp them into the pavement, not knowing what else to do.
Fast forward to a week or so...
I check the mail. His mom sends him a package full of pill noises. I open it. There are tons of vitamins and also an unopened box of that same brand of sleeping pills that he had the Klonopin in. ****! She's sending him this crap!? It was sealed, so she hadn't put anything in there. I put the tape back on and watched my husband open it later that day. I didn't tell him I'd opened it and he couldn't tell that I had, either. He doesn't even use those sleeping pills because there's an ingredient that he's allergic to in them, but out of all the bottles of supplements she sent him...that was the only bottle that he opened up and poked through the protective seal without taking any of them. (I counted them later.)
My conclusion? She HAD sent them to him originally and he was checking to see if she sent more. GAH!
So that was all the codie stuff having to do with his pills and his mail about three weeks ago -- which brings us to TODAY!
Another package comes in the mail for him from his mom.
I can't tell exactly what's in it by shaking it. Is she sending him her pills?! I started to peel the tape off so I could look inside again so I could know what I was in store for.
Then I stopped.
I put the tape back down and put the package on the coffee table.
I don't need to know what's in there.
If it's pills, he'll either take them or he won't. (He's in a program and admitted he has a problem with pills and alcohol.)
If it's not pills, then...well, it's not.
Either way, I'm going to be okay because I'm clear about my boundaries and I'm focusing on me instead.
Feeling proud of myself and more trusting in my HP, right now.
Progress not perfection. xo
Dec. 20: AH is seriously messed up. Turns out he's been doing pot, beer, mushrooms, and Rx pills.
Dec. 20-24: Daily hell.
Dec. 24: Find about 50 2mg Klonopin in my AH's pants pocket in his closet. Freak out more. Stomp them into the pavement, not knowing what else to do.
Fast forward to a week or so...
I check the mail. His mom sends him a package full of pill noises. I open it. There are tons of vitamins and also an unopened box of that same brand of sleeping pills that he had the Klonopin in. ****! She's sending him this crap!? It was sealed, so she hadn't put anything in there. I put the tape back on and watched my husband open it later that day. I didn't tell him I'd opened it and he couldn't tell that I had, either. He doesn't even use those sleeping pills because there's an ingredient that he's allergic to in them, but out of all the bottles of supplements she sent him...that was the only bottle that he opened up and poked through the protective seal without taking any of them. (I counted them later.)
My conclusion? She HAD sent them to him originally and he was checking to see if she sent more. GAH!
So that was all the codie stuff having to do with his pills and his mail about three weeks ago -- which brings us to TODAY!
Another package comes in the mail for him from his mom.
I can't tell exactly what's in it by shaking it. Is she sending him her pills?! I started to peel the tape off so I could look inside again so I could know what I was in store for.
Then I stopped.
I put the tape back down and put the package on the coffee table.
I don't need to know what's in there.
If it's pills, he'll either take them or he won't. (He's in a program and admitted he has a problem with pills and alcohol.)
If it's not pills, then...well, it's not.
Either way, I'm going to be okay because I'm clear about my boundaries and I'm focusing on me instead.
Feeling proud of myself and more trusting in my HP, right now.
Progress not perfection. xo
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Oh! Just thought of another example of some progress in the not-being-codependent department:
Last night as I was going to bed, I knew he was out in the living room laying on the floor watching TV on his iPad. I started feeling really lonely. Wishing he was next to me. I imagined myself going out there and snuggling up next to him on his make-shift bed on a pile of blankets and stroking his hair and telling him I'm proud of him for going to the program and how I know it's hard and I love him and all that. I wanted him to know that I loved him and I wanted him to feel better. (Queue triggers from feeling sorry for my dad when I was little and doing whatever inappropriate things he wanted me to do.)
And then I was like, ShineBright -- he is not well! Don't go out there and snuggle with the person who has been hurting you emotionally by his actions. Even though it wasn't intentional and it was the addiction, it still hurt you. Trust has still been broken. You don't have to feel sorry for him and comfort him. He doesn't need you. It's not your job to make him feel better. (Also, something I would have liked to have known when I was little.)
Sooooo...I didn't go out there last night. I stayed in my room and played a trivia app game with my sister while she was going to bed, too. And the feeling to go connect with him passed.
I'm glad I remembered this incident of not giving into the co-dependent habits. It helps me to see proof that I'm doing better at taking care of myself. I've been pretty lousy about that with men over the course of my life, so this is good. <3
Last night as I was going to bed, I knew he was out in the living room laying on the floor watching TV on his iPad. I started feeling really lonely. Wishing he was next to me. I imagined myself going out there and snuggling up next to him on his make-shift bed on a pile of blankets and stroking his hair and telling him I'm proud of him for going to the program and how I know it's hard and I love him and all that. I wanted him to know that I loved him and I wanted him to feel better. (Queue triggers from feeling sorry for my dad when I was little and doing whatever inappropriate things he wanted me to do.)
And then I was like, ShineBright -- he is not well! Don't go out there and snuggle with the person who has been hurting you emotionally by his actions. Even though it wasn't intentional and it was the addiction, it still hurt you. Trust has still been broken. You don't have to feel sorry for him and comfort him. He doesn't need you. It's not your job to make him feel better. (Also, something I would have liked to have known when I was little.)
Sooooo...I didn't go out there last night. I stayed in my room and played a trivia app game with my sister while she was going to bed, too. And the feeling to go connect with him passed.
I'm glad I remembered this incident of not giving into the co-dependent habits. It helps me to see proof that I'm doing better at taking care of myself. I've been pretty lousy about that with men over the course of my life, so this is good. <3
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 20
Awesome! I must admit it would have been difficult to not open the package and then toss it in the trash.
But I'm learning daily, and reading all the posts here definitely helps.
I also would have called his mother and screamed at her...
But I'm learning daily, and reading all the posts here definitely helps.
I also would have called his mother and screamed at her...
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