LosingHope92

Hi, i am new to this site and hoping to find someone who understands what i am going through. I am engaged to a cocaine addict, its not every day he uses - it seems to flare up sporadically. When he is sober as such he is amazing, i couldn't want anything more, i cant love anyone more than i do when he is sober. However, since we got engaged a few months ago, he went into a downward spiral and has been using on a weekly basis, he is full of resentment, self pity and blame - its my fault, i like to see him suffer if i dont give him some of my pain medication to help him self after a come down. He blames me, he blames our business, anything but himself and the truth. No one knows this about him, except from me. I feel SO alone, i have never felt so lonely. It is beginning to affect my mood greatly. I am beginning to resent him and our relationship, i am turning into something i am not - an angry, bitter, self hating person. He wants to argue and make me feel so belittled the day after his using - says things he knows hurts me deeply.

I am going through so much medical problems just now and am in excruciating pain on a daily basis, i cannot work as a nurse because i cannot walk any length of distance, i cannot get out, i cannot sleep and i am often sick with the pain. At my time of need, when i most need him to be there for me and tell me things are going to be ok, help me with the daily tasks i find impossible - he is in our bedroom wired to the moon - paranoid, unable to talk and becoming this person i do not even know.

I truly love him so much, and i have tried my best to help and support him in every way i can over the last 2 years. Yet he tells me i am unsupportive and spiteful. I dont know what to do anymore?! I'm afraid to stay and let myself become more depressed and self loathing but i am also afraid to go and be constantly wondering if he is still alive - as he has told me before if i go he has nothing to live for. I do want to marry the man i met 2 years ago and fell madly in love with, but i hate the person he becomes when he is using.




PLEASE tell me there is someone out there who understands? I have no one to talk to and no one to get advice or help from.

God i didnt think i would know what to write - and heres me wrote a book!!

Fate2012

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My AH is a heroin user and I understand about everything being my fault, the lies and blaming everyone else except themselves.
The only person who is going to get him well is himself and until he decides that he needs help, unfortunately, there is nothing you can do for him except pray.
You also need to take care of yourself b/c it sounds like you need it.
I do understand. I have been going through this for about 3 years now. I don't wish this on anyone.
Sending your prayers!

zoso77

LosingHope...

Welcome to the Board. And, yes, you are with people who understand exactly what you're feeling and what you're going through.

Other members will be by to greet you and offer you support and feedback, but as is my wont when greeting new members, I've got my own thoughts I'd like to share.

Ah, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One thing that is crucial for you to understand is he's not two people. The guy who you love more than anyone is addicted to cocaine, and he's choosing to use cocaine. And the escalation of his emotional abuse of you is not surprising at all. So long as he's on this path, the abuse will continue and he will never, ever take responsibility for his choices or his behavior.

Yes, you love him. But just because you love him doesn't mean he's got license to abuse you. Nor does it mean you should marry him. Loving someone is not a life sentence.

We're not couples counselors here, and normally I wouldn't say what I'm about to say. But given your health issues and how being coupled to him is hurting you so much, I believe you should end the engagement. Ending an engagement is easier than ending a marriage. Yes, it's going to hurt a lot. But what he's doing cannot continue, and there are times we have to do things we don't want to do.

Anyways, that's my feedback. Other members will be by in due course. Weigh what they tell you alongside my remarks, and then make what is the best decision for you.

Hang in there. And again, Welcome to the Board.

LosingHope92

Thank you both of you for your kind comments and wisdom.

Fate2012 - how do you cope?

Zoso77 - My 'nursing head' completely agrees with what you say 100% - i would be the first person to tell a patient of mines or a friend in my situation. However i cant seem to take head of that advice myself. Its stupid to say, but i'm not quite ready to give up? I seem to always have been a 'fixer' - i like to care for people and make things better. I dont know if i'm putting this into practice (miserably - obviously).

I walked into this relationship with full knowledge he was a recovering addict, who had been clean for over 3 years at the time. I truly believed he was strong enough and willing enough to continue with his road to recovery and although i knew there could always be a chance of a 'slip up' i didn't quite realise it would actually happen and just how bad it may be! The thing that gets to me is he can be clean for months and years on end... then just suddenly slip back into his old ways for a few days - then start his recovery again - then maybe slip up once again - until the recovery road kicks in again and he goes back to 'normal' (i hate that term but dont know how else to describe it at present).

At the end of the day, i only have myself to blame for feeling the way i do - i am staying and putting up with it all. I get that, i just live in hope one day he can return to his recovery route and stay on that path.

I am glad to have found a site i can gain some understanding and insight into this horrible disease.

zoso77

Well, sure you want to fix it. You love him, you are ready to hitch your wagon to him for life, and you've invested a lot of time, hope and love. But this is something you can't fix.

Marriage only works if both people are playing by the same set of rules. And by using and abusing cocaine, he's not playing by any rules. He's giving himself permission to do something incredibly self destructive, and from there, it snowballs. He's put cocaine ahead of you. And while he's under the influence, his behavior towards you is simply unacceptable.

What I encourage you to do is look for posts from other women who've been where you currently are. A lot of times those stories don't end happily in terms of the relationship or the marriage. But these women put their well being first. And that's how you have to think; not in terms of what you want, but what's best for you. Often those two things are orthogonal.

Keep reading, keep learning, and you'll arrive in a place where you can make the best decision for you.

LosingHope92

I hope so, i really do. What you have said, has made a lot of sense to me - something my mind tells me, but my heart bullies me to ignore. I hope one day as you say, i am able to find and realise what is best for ME - not him.

Thank you so much x

advbike

This is a big red flag for those of us who are codependent. I am also a caretaker, and stayed in a long term relationship with someone because I was trying to "fix" the relationship, and care for her, even though she would not seek help, and the relationship was not healthy.

zoso77

Your heart needs to take a back seat. That does not mean your heart doesn't exist, or it's not important. What it does mean is your head needs to be in charge.

Love does not conquer addiction.

KariSue

My son can also go for periods of time without using. It is called being a binge user. On the surface it doesn't seem as bad but it is. Over time, I have seen him lose more and more ground. It is really, really hard.

I'll be brutally honest, I would end the relationship. It will hurt like heck in the short run but you will be dodging a bullet in the long run.

So sorry you have to go through this.

Hugs, Kari

beYOUtiful

[QUOTE=LosingHope92;5177598] My 'nursing head' completely agrees with what you say 100% - i would be the first person to tell a patient of mines or a friend in my situation. However i cant seem to take head of that advice myself. Its stupid to say, but i'm not quite ready to give up? I seem to always have been a 'fixer' - i like to care for people and make things better. I dont know if i'm putting this into practice (miserably - obviously).
QUOTE]


I'm a nurse too, and I just found myself saying this to a fellow nurse at work last night regarding my situation! My husband is an addict who tends to binge use. It is hard to admit to ourselves, but you CAN'T fix him. (didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it)

My question for you...what are you doing for you? What are you doing to educate yourself on codependency? I would also suggest finding a meeting to attend to find others who know where you've been. If you can't get out due to your physical issues at the moment, find an online meeting!

LosingHope92

beYoutiful, at the moment i'm doing very little unfortunately. I am so very willing to learn more about codependency and about putting me first, and not him and his addiction. If i dont, i think i may go mad soon. I attended an online meeting last night which was very insightful, and will definitely aim to attend more online meetings until i am fit to go to face to face meetings.

How do you cope living with your partner and his addiction?

beYOUtiful

Can't say that I coped very well when he was in the house. When the craziness first began I played detective and made myself crazy. Later, I ignored. Then, I went back to detective, just not as crazy-intense. But, my AH left in Dec (back story - he OD'd when I was 9 mo preggo with the last baby, my mom & stepdad moved in after that. I believe them being here made keeping his status quo more difficult so he left). It has been sooo much better since he left. It hasn't been easy by any means, but it has been sooo much less stressful. He still occupies most of my thoughts in that obsessive way, but I am learning to accept that the thoughts are there and then just let them pass. I just don't feel that crazy anxiety anymore, and for that, I am thankful.

I am wanting to get the book Codependent No More and read that because I feel it will really help me. In the meantime, I read online in my spare time. My schedule only allows one night a week to attend a mtg - so I go to Al-Anon (no Nar-Anon close that fits my schedule). All of that really helps. I also have been talking to my nursing friends - seems each one of them also has a story of someone close (so I guess, we have our own group meetings at work!)

Anyway, I'm glad you are here. Educate yourself...take care of yourself...you'll feel a lot better in the long run!

AnvilheadII

welcome! i'm glad you are here, but really concerned for you on two fronts - you're own personal health and the fact that you have an active coke user who is rapidly progressing in his addiction in your home. it will get worse....to be blunt. HE will get worse. there's a corner in coke addiction that once turned, they never get over.....and i fear he's already made that turn.

i'm a former crack addict, and lord that crap is tough to kick. it doesn't sound like your "fiance" is anywhere close to even trying to quit. hell he's still building steam.

protect yourself ok? do you have an exit plan if you need one? please do NOT try to go talk to him when he's high....don't argue, rationalize, plead. he's volatile and dangerous, even if you think "oh he'd never.....". is your money safe? your possessions?

LosingHope92

I'm afraid he has too. He has been using on and off since he was 19. He was clean for over 3 years and now dabbles on And off unfortunately.

At the moment I have no exit plan, I have no where to go if I need to leave - my room at my mums has now been converted into one big room
For my brother. Our finances are joint and just now I'm not getting paid for being off work due to my back injury. We do have a business together which brings in decent money for us to live on, but obviously a lot of that has been used to pay for his coke habit unfortunately. I have started putting small amounts of money away when I can, although it's not much.
I pray he is able to kick this horrible illness, I'm not ready to leave him yet, I still love him too much and still have faith he can get over this, the way he has before. Xx

Hope7726

As someone who was in a serious relationship with an addict, I can really understand how you feel. I wasn't ready to give up on him when I first found out. But I wasn't stupid, either. I understood the seriousness of his addiction and it terrified me. The first thing I did was set boundaries. The next thing I did was attend a Nar-Anon meeting and I started reading books and websites about addiction and recovery. I needed to know exactly what I was up against. What I learned was more frightening than comforting but it was helpful, nonetheless.

I can tell you are intelligent and self-aware. Your heart will always convince you to do what you want to do but your brain is there to tell you what you need to do. Please make YOURSELF the priority here.

AnvilheadII

when you met him he SAID he had three years clean right? there is no way to PROVE that tho is there? it's entirely possible he was using when you met, but at the time had it still a bit under control and you just didn't know. you just saw a bright gregarious energetic guy....

his addiction WILL devour every penny you two have. the business will go. credit cards will get racked up. debt will mount.

i know you love him, but that is actually irrelevant at the moment. because your love will keep you soft and pliable and giving him chance after chance.

do you think for one moment he's on a site somewhere seeking help, wanting to fix this because he loves YOU so much? you have become his target, someone to blame for everything. that's not love. he doesn't care that you are ill, only if he can have access to your pills. that's not love either.

it can't hurt to start MAKING a plan, hon. in the same way we plan for earthquakes and fires. hoping we never have to use them.

LosingHope92

I knew him when he was clean, i have been friends with him for a long time before a relationship ever started. When he uses he turns into the total opposite of the usual person taking coke - he cant talk, he becomes very paranoid, wants to sit in a dark room away from everyone and gets very sweaty and his pupils dilate to as big as they can. I know right away if he's even touched a drop as his voice changes.

I have seen him on an online AA site - meetings online, he has restarted his meetings since his last binge on friday-sunday. He uses a forum and chat site too.

He is the type of person who struggles with life's pressures and clearly turns to coke when things become too hard.

I'm not making excuses for him, i just know him as well.

I definitely will start to make a plan though - i need to have a back up plan, i've realised that. I also know i definitely have to start researching and finding help for myself. In time i'm sure if things carry on then i know what i have to do.

Thank you so much for your advice, it definitely opens my eyes to real life - and not my fairytale life i suppose i have in my head at times. xx