New here & hoping for some moral support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Scotland.
Posts: 10
New here & hoping for some moral support.
Hi, i am new to this site and hoping to find someone who understands what i am going through. I am engaged to a cocaine addict, its not every day he uses - it seems to flare up sporadically. When he is sober as such he is amazing, i couldn't want anything more, i cant love anyone more than i do when he is sober. However, since we got engaged a few months ago, he went into a downward spiral and has been using on a weekly basis, he is full of resentment, self pity and blame - its my fault, i like to see him suffer if i dont give him some of my pain medication to help him self after a come down. He blames me, he blames our business, anything but himself and the truth. No one knows this about him, except from me. I feel SO alone, i have never felt so lonely. It is beginning to affect my mood greatly. I am beginning to resent him and our relationship, i am turning into something i am not - an angry, bitter, self hating person. He wants to argue and make me feel so belittled the day after his using - says things he knows hurts me deeply.
I am going through so much medical problems just now and am in excruciating pain on a daily basis, i cannot work as a nurse because i cannot walk any length of distance, i cannot get out, i cannot sleep and i am often sick with the pain. At my time of need, when i most need him to be there for me and tell me things are going to be ok, help me with the daily tasks i find impossible - he is in our bedroom wired to the moon - paranoid, unable to talk and becoming this person i do not even know.
I truly love him so much, and i have tried my best to help and support him in every way i can over the last 2 years. Yet he tells me i am unsupportive and spiteful. I dont know what to do anymore?! I'm afraid to stay and let myself become more depressed and self loathing but i am also afraid to go and be constantly wondering if he is still alive - as he has told me before if i go he has nothing to live for. I do want to marry the man i met 2 years ago and fell madly in love with, but i hate the person he becomes when he is using.
PLEASE tell me there is someone out there who understands? I have no one to talk to and no one to get advice or help from.
God i didnt think i would know what to write - and heres me wrote a book!!
I am going through so much medical problems just now and am in excruciating pain on a daily basis, i cannot work as a nurse because i cannot walk any length of distance, i cannot get out, i cannot sleep and i am often sick with the pain. At my time of need, when i most need him to be there for me and tell me things are going to be ok, help me with the daily tasks i find impossible - he is in our bedroom wired to the moon - paranoid, unable to talk and becoming this person i do not even know.
I truly love him so much, and i have tried my best to help and support him in every way i can over the last 2 years. Yet he tells me i am unsupportive and spiteful. I dont know what to do anymore?! I'm afraid to stay and let myself become more depressed and self loathing but i am also afraid to go and be constantly wondering if he is still alive - as he has told me before if i go he has nothing to live for. I do want to marry the man i met 2 years ago and fell madly in love with, but i hate the person he becomes when he is using.
PLEASE tell me there is someone out there who understands? I have no one to talk to and no one to get advice or help from.
God i didnt think i would know what to write - and heres me wrote a book!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Hi Losinghope92. Welcome. You're not alone! Many here have dealt with, or are dealing with partners who are addicts, in fact there is a section called Family and Friends dealing specifically with those issues.
That said, when dealing with alcoholics or addicts, you need to protect yourself and set boundaries. It's very easy to slip into codependence, as evidenced by your guilty feelings, and concern about leaving him even while he is destroying you and your relationship. You are not to blame!
Please checkout that section and feel free to post here also. He needs to take responsibility for his addictive behavior and get treatment.
That said, when dealing with alcoholics or addicts, you need to protect yourself and set boundaries. It's very easy to slip into codependence, as evidenced by your guilty feelings, and concern about leaving him even while he is destroying you and your relationship. You are not to blame!
Please checkout that section and feel free to post here also. He needs to take responsibility for his addictive behavior and get treatment.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 514
Hi and welcome.
I do some voluntary work helping others and something stressed throughout our training is that you have to look after yourself first and only then should you support someone else. It's sounds selfish and goes against the 'western way' but it's common sense (of which I have little!!).
Your partner is an adult. He chooses what he does, you don't do it to him. You mention your worry that if you leave him he won't survive. He is putting you on a guilt trip. Again, if he harms himself he took that decision.
He needs to face up to the fact he has a problem and acknowledge he needs to do something about it, and you can point things out to him until you're blue in the face but until he chooses to see this he won't think he has a problem or will blame everyone else.
But you do have control over what you do. And you have to do what's best for you. It's not selfish, it's survival.
Hark at me going on like I know what I'm talking about. If you feel I'm talking rot, feel free to tell me x
I do some voluntary work helping others and something stressed throughout our training is that you have to look after yourself first and only then should you support someone else. It's sounds selfish and goes against the 'western way' but it's common sense (of which I have little!!).
Your partner is an adult. He chooses what he does, you don't do it to him. You mention your worry that if you leave him he won't survive. He is putting you on a guilt trip. Again, if he harms himself he took that decision.
He needs to face up to the fact he has a problem and acknowledge he needs to do something about it, and you can point things out to him until you're blue in the face but until he chooses to see this he won't think he has a problem or will blame everyone else.
But you do have control over what you do. And you have to do what's best for you. It's not selfish, it's survival.
Hark at me going on like I know what I'm talking about. If you feel I'm talking rot, feel free to tell me x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Scotland.
Posts: 10
Thank you everyone for the welcome.
Esspee, as silly as this sounds i have never been one to help myself, i have always been the one to care for others.
I should know what i need to do as i broke free from an alcohol & drug addict 3 years ago, after 6 long years of abuse. I was only young and thought his behaviour was 'normal' for a long time - i realised eventually it was not, after he put me in hospital and i received permanent damage to my pelvis thanks to him.
I walked into this relationship openly knowing my now finance is or was a recovering drug addict, believing he was strong enough and wise enough thanks to the program and his sponsor to overcome his demons and he was clean for 3 years. He KNOWS what he has to do, obviously as he has done it before, but at the moment he is choosing not to. He can stay clean for months and years at a time, and suddenly fall back into it - like he has over the past 2 months on and off.
Thank you for reminding me that i do have to do whats best for me - even if sometimes its not what i want and it isn't the easiest. Your advice means a lot. xx
Esspee, as silly as this sounds i have never been one to help myself, i have always been the one to care for others.
I should know what i need to do as i broke free from an alcohol & drug addict 3 years ago, after 6 long years of abuse. I was only young and thought his behaviour was 'normal' for a long time - i realised eventually it was not, after he put me in hospital and i received permanent damage to my pelvis thanks to him.
I walked into this relationship openly knowing my now finance is or was a recovering drug addict, believing he was strong enough and wise enough thanks to the program and his sponsor to overcome his demons and he was clean for 3 years. He KNOWS what he has to do, obviously as he has done it before, but at the moment he is choosing not to. He can stay clean for months and years at a time, and suddenly fall back into it - like he has over the past 2 months on and off.
Thank you for reminding me that i do have to do whats best for me - even if sometimes its not what i want and it isn't the easiest. Your advice means a lot. xx
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Losinghope, I'm very sorry for the situation you are in. It sounds to me like you need to focus on yourself, your health and your well-being at this point. I hope you give yourself the care that you need. Do check out our Friends & Families forum and/or AlAnon in your area.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome to the family. 
You've got a lot on your plate right now. I hope you can get the strength to take care of yourself and let him deal with this instead of blaming it all on you.
I would put the marriage on indefinite hold until he decides what he's going to do with his life.
You've got a lot on your plate right now. I hope you can get the strength to take care of yourself and let him deal with this instead of blaming it all on you. I would put the marriage on indefinite hold until he decides what he's going to do with his life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Scotland.
Posts: 10
Thank you everyone. The marriage is well and truly on hold - at the moment i am not even wearing my engagement ring. I want to support him, without enabling him. However, i think i do have to concentrate on myself sometimes too. I hope through this wonderful site i will find the wisdom and strength i need 
.xx
.xx
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