Betrayal and anger

Old 02-02-2015, 09:33 AM
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Betrayal and anger

Hello, this is my first post but I have been following this site for the last year. My qualifier is ex bf from my past. We met at teens and dated in our 20's then went our separate ways and married other people. He contacted me almost 3 years ago and we started talking just as friends...and of course, things progressed. I had heard he "did pills" but I had no idea exactly what that meant. He was doing really well when we first talked but then work stopped 6months later and he was "down and out"..no job, etc.

Long story short....he was an addict from the beginning and I had no idea. He would cry to me his estranged wife was going to put him in jail if he didn't pay his child support that day...by 6pm. Always wanted $ now..there was always an immediate deadline. Used his daughter a few times...was locked out of the house he was living at...was picking up his daughter, needed $ to take her to eat. I find out a year into it, he hasn't seen her in over 5 years.

Odd behavior, constant lying, money missing, valuables missing....I started slowly catching on. He always denied anything...was tired, etc. Finally, he was caught shoplifting. The police report also said he had a spoon and syringe. It was then I learned he went from pills to H!! I was floored. Devastated. Had I know what I know now, I would have opted out...immediately. But, I stayed, said he was sober. Then the cycle repeated 8 months later...got caught shoplifting and theft. Stole an expensive item from my house. Luckily someone tipped me off so I could get it out of pawn. I realized how sick he was. I really began to follow this site, learn about the disease. Went to Naranon. Tried to get him to NA. Completely stopped any form of enabling. That lead to months of little contact between us.

Last year he was put on a poorly monitored drug program rather than serve time. Of course he didn't stop using and failed his urine tests. Our legal system has a more stringent drug program where minimum treatment is outpatient, or intensive IP. He was ordered IP treatment but there was a 3 month waiting period for a bed. He had simple rules to follow, do weekly urine test, do not use. He blew them off, he was sent to jail/detox..then mini-jail where he OD'd after 3 weeks.

Finally, an IP bed became available, and he went to rehab. Not only did he go, he seemed to totally embrace the program. It is a 12step program based on AA. He has 4 months sober and recently graduated the program. Actually graduated with glowing recommendations from the IP staff and counselors. This whole time I stuck by his side. Visited every week, brought his stuff, was there when he wanted to talk. Always told him to completely concentrate on him, gave him plenty of space. Focused on me..my life, work, children. Something weird happened, though. As he was telling me how much praise he was getting, he seemed to grow more and more cocky. Then he would sit and talk about everyone else's issues. I was really worried he stopped focusing on HIM and instead, focused on everyone else. In any event, he stayed sober and it's been 4 months.

Upon graduation, he elected sober housing. I was so thankful. All he kept saying was how AA is an "honest" program. I thought all the sneaky/secretive behavior, lying, etc. would be gone. He always told me how important I was, how much he loved me, how big of an influence I was on him getting sober, I was his true love, etc. that I thought once he got out...I would see a new person. Someone more humble, honest, motivated to keep moving forward in a positive way.

Instead, he's this cocky guy that I don't even recognize. He makes smart comments about other women at the rehab/ tells me about sexual references made in a joking way...just plain disrespectful things you don't say to someone you love. Blocked me from Facebook saying someone cannot know we are friends. I notice all these younger women, newly sober, on his FB. I get no "I'm sorry for what I've done and want to make it up to you, etc." Instead, I get distance the day he went to the sober house. All the other guys are single and all seem to be on the prowl. It's more like a social community and I saw little "step work" being done.

I caught him in a few lies a few days ago so I called him on them. As always, I had my proof and he blew up at me. Totally deflected saying I need to focus on me and get off his back and that he can't "fix" his life in a few days. There's been no contact since then....NONE. So, it's obvious he doesn't need me anymore. I guess the point I'm making is it's finally registering to me that I have been used this whole time. The words were only words. I pay attention to actions and they tell me it was all a lie. He was told he was a Sociopath and Narcissist while in rehab. He laughed it off. I, on the other hand, looked up the definition and cannot believe he fits all the criteria and traits. I am so angry. All the lies, the betrayal is unimaginable. How can any human do that to another???? Angry at him for playing me, angry for me for not knowing better.

I know I just need to accept, this is what addicts do. I know all of you can relate. I guess that I just needed to get this out. I hate this disease...it destroys not only the addict, but everyone in their path. I pray for healing for all - I really do. God Bless to all ~
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Old 02-02-2015, 09:37 AM
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It destroys EVERYTHING in it's path, including US.

(IF we let it)
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Old 02-02-2015, 09:43 AM
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I agree - I am almost finished reading Codependent No More and just trying to process all the emotions needed to get past this and move on with my life. I wish my brain would overrule my heart right now because my head knows that all of this is nothing but bad news and will never, ever end up positive.
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Old 02-02-2015, 10:02 AM
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Wow all mirages. I was drawn in as I kept reading and I felt your pain. I am so sorry.

But I am also happy. Happy for you that something very good seems to be happening inside your heart. It appears you need to let him go, and it appears that it will be hard.

Keep up the great work. And thanks for your touching and inspirational post v
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Old 02-02-2015, 10:03 AM
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allmirages...

Welcome to the Board. I am incredibly grateful and thankful that you've taken the step to post after lurking for a year.

Vale beat me to the punch in terms of greeting you. However, I'm grateful for this words in response to your post: addiction will destroy us only if we let it. I doubt very much that now knowing what you know you'll allow that to happen.

When some people get into NA or AA, they will use the program in such a way that it provides cover for their outrageous behavior. The core of those programs, in my view, is to encourage and instill a sense of personal responsibility and accountability. Sadly, there are those out there who don't absorb those lessons, and in all likelihood, this guy sounds like one of those people.

But you know what? That's his problem. It has nothing to do with you.

Do not personalize what he's done. Do not beat yourself up too much. Instead, choose to learn from your experiences. He's bad news, and I can tell you with a high degree of confidence he will not change. So ice him once and for all.

Since you've been lurking for a year, you no doubt have read the posts of other members who have been where you are. I would go back and re-read those posts that you've found helpful. Accept that you're feeling what you're feeling now, and that's OK because in time, that will change. You're going to be OK. Just do what is best for you.

Again, Welcome to the Board.
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Old 02-02-2015, 10:04 AM
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One more thing. I went to alanon a while back when I got hurt by an addict. I also read the alanon book. I found great hope in many if the personal stories in the back of the book too
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Old 02-02-2015, 10:27 AM
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You sound a lot stronger than I would be. I hope you move forward. Being with an addict has been the craziest roller coaster ride I have ever been on.
Take care of yourself.
Blessings!
Fate
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Old 02-02-2015, 05:13 PM
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Thank you Vale, Four, Zoso and Fate for the supporting words. I really do appreciate the support.
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Old 02-03-2015, 03:57 PM
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If you are looking for some references to settle all the emotions, I have been reading a book called "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. It tells me how to refocus on myself and embrace the pain and move past it. It is a really enlightening book and I strongly recommend it. Plus reading is a good way to get past awful feelings resides in us.
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Old 02-10-2015, 05:29 PM
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Reading this, I feel as if you are telling my story for me. Keep reading the other posts, there is a ton of insight and support here.
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Old 06-16-2015, 12:09 PM
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Allmirages, I wandered on over here to your thread after our posts today on another thread. Wow, I can't believe what this guy put you through. You are so strong! My friend who I discussed did the same thing, he had a wonderful girlfriend who loved him with all her heart. She was so good to him and stuck by his side through his addiction and rehab. He dropped her like a hot potato as soon as he got out of rehab. He didn't even have the decency to call her and tell her he was breaking up with her, he just ignored her for months until she finally got the hint and gave up texting and calling him.

Your use of the word "cocky" was SPOT ON! Same with my friend, he developed a huge ego and became extremely arrogant and self centered. I just never understood it. I thought that part of rehab and recovery was repairing relationships that had been damaged due to the addiction, and making amends. That definitely didn't happen here.

I guess I struggle the most with this complete lack or remorse or appreciation for the people in the addicts' lives who loved them enough to try and help them, even after being so badly hurt. This friend who I thought I knew well and cared for, for 15 years (the last 3 of which he was in active addiction) was just completely gone after rehab. It was like he emerged from rehab sober, but without a soul or a conscience... Which he always had in the past, even when he was battling his addiction. It's like he became cold and numb, and lost the ability to care about anyone but himself. It's absolutely baffling to me.

And then to find out 4 years later that my boyfriend of a year and a half was a substance abuser... I was crushed. But I had no desire to stick around and wait to see what would happen. I hope you found some peace and happiness in the months since your break up.
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