Helping vs My side of the street
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Helping vs My side of the street
I want to suggest inpatient detox to AH - I would really like to suggest some type of recovery plan in conjunction but I think that's too much me messing with his stuff. The detox I think is at a medically critical point.
He's in a horrible place right now physically, mentally, emotionally. He's been drinking hard for about a week now. He's a mess. I've been working my own program and detaching from his drinking. He told me the other day that this (booze) has got him by the ball$ and he just couldn't seem to fix it. Today he left for work and then returned. When he left he was sobbing. He said he was scared...that it's finally come to that - I said we would talk later when he gets up and he said back 'yes, yes we will'.
I know I can't push him to work any kind of program or even to detox. But I do know he is physically in a very dangerous place and he can't stop drinking without medical support.
How do I help him while staying on my side of the street? Is it supportive or invasive to give him information on resources?
He's in a horrible place right now physically, mentally, emotionally. He's been drinking hard for about a week now. He's a mess. I've been working my own program and detaching from his drinking. He told me the other day that this (booze) has got him by the ball$ and he just couldn't seem to fix it. Today he left for work and then returned. When he left he was sobbing. He said he was scared...that it's finally come to that - I said we would talk later when he gets up and he said back 'yes, yes we will'.
I know I can't push him to work any kind of program or even to detox. But I do know he is physically in a very dangerous place and he can't stop drinking without medical support.
How do I help him while staying on my side of the street? Is it supportive or invasive to give him information on resources?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
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So sorry you guys are in this bad place; however, IMO talking to him might not be such a bad idea. Let me share why I say this...
When my AH was hitting the bottle hard (and I mean hard), he too was crying and depressed and wanted help, he couldn't do it. He just couldn't find the courage. BUT he did try to stop cold turkey. He was drinking almost a gallon of vodka (I am not kidding) a day! On day two of the "cold turkey" he honestly believed he had lice - took a shower for 45 minutes "scrubbing them out" of his head. Then he swore he saw them flying around the house. He spent what money we had left on lice shampoo. Seriously. If that was not enough, on day three he started "seeing" people. They all had names and they "spoke" to him. At the time our DD was 3, and I really started to feel frightened. He swore these "people" were taunting him - they all had names. Two guys and one girl. One of them was even a "cop".
By the morning of day 4 he was still seeing people and the lice. I had to do something, he just knew what he was seeing was real. I thought this was it, he is going to hurt us or himself. I called and had the cops pick him up to get him in to detox. This was after I had spoken to my sponsor and my AH's family. We were afraid he was really going to hurt himself. He was pretty pissed at me but he was safe.
So yes, talking about it can be okay - pushing the issue not so much. I mean if it gets to a certain point where you feel afraid for your safety you need to do what is best for YOU.
I hope you guys can talk and that he is sober when you do.
Take care!
~Triggers
When my AH was hitting the bottle hard (and I mean hard), he too was crying and depressed and wanted help, he couldn't do it. He just couldn't find the courage. BUT he did try to stop cold turkey. He was drinking almost a gallon of vodka (I am not kidding) a day! On day two of the "cold turkey" he honestly believed he had lice - took a shower for 45 minutes "scrubbing them out" of his head. Then he swore he saw them flying around the house. He spent what money we had left on lice shampoo. Seriously. If that was not enough, on day three he started "seeing" people. They all had names and they "spoke" to him. At the time our DD was 3, and I really started to feel frightened. He swore these "people" were taunting him - they all had names. Two guys and one girl. One of them was even a "cop".
By the morning of day 4 he was still seeing people and the lice. I had to do something, he just knew what he was seeing was real. I thought this was it, he is going to hurt us or himself. I called and had the cops pick him up to get him in to detox. This was after I had spoken to my sponsor and my AH's family. We were afraid he was really going to hurt himself. He was pretty pissed at me but he was safe.
So yes, talking about it can be okay - pushing the issue not so much. I mean if it gets to a certain point where you feel afraid for your safety you need to do what is best for YOU.
I hope you guys can talk and that he is sober when you do.
Take care!
~Triggers
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Location: Central Florida
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It sounds like he might be receptive to the idea of help, which is great. It's also the perfect time to offer help.
I have heard it said in my my Alanon group several times that to say it once is help or support, to say it more than that is controlling. With that said, I think it's perfectly fine to have a conversation about detox and or rehab. Maybe you could do a little research before hand and point him to a web site, print out some information, or have a brochure of some kind to give him. I wouldn't bring it up again, unless he wants to talk about it more. And really, he's got to want help for himself if it's going to work, not do it for you or because he feels pressured. So give him some information and step back and let him process it, or ask you for help.
I found with my RAH, that the less I tried to do for him, the more he started to do for himself. He's now almost 6 months sober.
I have heard it said in my my Alanon group several times that to say it once is help or support, to say it more than that is controlling. With that said, I think it's perfectly fine to have a conversation about detox and or rehab. Maybe you could do a little research before hand and point him to a web site, print out some information, or have a brochure of some kind to give him. I wouldn't bring it up again, unless he wants to talk about it more. And really, he's got to want help for himself if it's going to work, not do it for you or because he feels pressured. So give him some information and step back and let him process it, or ask you for help.
I found with my RAH, that the less I tried to do for him, the more he started to do for himself. He's now almost 6 months sober.
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I agree. In fact, AA's Big Book (which I don't ALWAYS agree with in terms of "advice" for the family), suggests directing the alcoholic to the book if he's at a point where he's sounding desperate after a bout of drinking.
He's crying, he's asking for help. As his life partner, I think in that situation it is perfectly appropriate to help. You aren't thrusting it upon him, you are simply making a suggestion for a situation he's asked for help with. If he wants hep finding a program you can help with that, but make sure he doesn't just shove it off on you. He's got to be involved in choosing a program because it's his life. Make sense?
He's crying, he's asking for help. As his life partner, I think in that situation it is perfectly appropriate to help. You aren't thrusting it upon him, you are simply making a suggestion for a situation he's asked for help with. If he wants hep finding a program you can help with that, but make sure he doesn't just shove it off on you. He's got to be involved in choosing a program because it's his life. Make sense?
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I do think he's at the point where not only would he be receptive to assistance seeking help but that he wants it. I have no illusions about anything past detox but that's ok...first things first.
There is a program nearby that he was referred to when he came back from rehab. He was there for 28 days but never followed through on recovery when he returned home. I do think his mindset is a little different now but I know that's not mine to take care of. This program has inpatient detox and intensive outpatient therapy. I bookmarked their webpage with the contact info and will give him that if he is receptive.
Thanks for your thoughts...I do feel this is the right thing to do and am glad that appears to be agreed with. If for some reason he doesn't go then I need to think through a few other things for the safety and health of me and the kids. If he keeps going on drinking at this rate then I see more blackouts and crazy DT's that are both scary things to go through. I don't even see how he could taper it down at this point
There is a program nearby that he was referred to when he came back from rehab. He was there for 28 days but never followed through on recovery when he returned home. I do think his mindset is a little different now but I know that's not mine to take care of. This program has inpatient detox and intensive outpatient therapy. I bookmarked their webpage with the contact info and will give him that if he is receptive.
Thanks for your thoughts...I do feel this is the right thing to do and am glad that appears to be agreed with. If for some reason he doesn't go then I need to think through a few other things for the safety and health of me and the kids. If he keeps going on drinking at this rate then I see more blackouts and crazy DT's that are both scary things to go through. I don't even see how he could taper it down at this point
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When my Dad finally stopped drinking he used the phone number of a 12th stepper from a local AA group scrawled on a piece of paper that my Mom had given him years before. He had stuck it in his dresser drawer. That 12th stepper came and picked my dad up right away and took him for a coffee. I don't know every detail from there (I was a teenager) but Dad was on the road to sobriety and recovery from that night forward.
12th steppers from your local AA group are great because they have been where your AH is and, sad but true, A's will often listen to strangers more than intimate family - less shame and the person knows what they are going through.
So you could hand your AH the number (or website/contact info) to the local AA and let him pick up the ball. I agree with HopefulinFLA that saying it once is pretty much all you can do.
He can present to any ER and just say "I am withdrawing from heavy alcohol abuse and I need help." We do it all the time in my ER and if the person is sincerely seeking help we get a case manager or social worker to help them find placement directly from the ER to a Rehab bed...if one is available, those beds are precious. We get alcoholics through withdrawal safely all the time...the rest is up to them.
Peace,
B
12th steppers from your local AA group are great because they have been where your AH is and, sad but true, A's will often listen to strangers more than intimate family - less shame and the person knows what they are going through.
So you could hand your AH the number (or website/contact info) to the local AA and let him pick up the ball. I agree with HopefulinFLA that saying it once is pretty much all you can do.
He can present to any ER and just say "I am withdrawing from heavy alcohol abuse and I need help." We do it all the time in my ER and if the person is sincerely seeking help we get a case manager or social worker to help them find placement directly from the ER to a Rehab bed...if one is available, those beds are precious. We get alcoholics through withdrawal safely all the time...the rest is up to them.
Peace,
B
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Originally Posted by Bernadette 
When my Dad finally stopped drinking he used the phone number of a 12th stepper from a local AA group scrawled on a piece of paper that my Mom had given him years before. He had stuck it in his dresser drawer. That 12th stepper came and picked my dad up right away and took him for a coffee. I don't know every detail from there (I was a teenager) but Dad was on the road to sobriety and recovery from that night forward.
12th steppers from your local AA group are great because they have been where your AH is and, sad but true, A's will often listen to strangers more than intimate family - less shame and the person knows what they are going through.
So you could hand your AH the number (or website/contact info) to the local AA and let him pick up the ball. I agree with HopefulinFLA that saying it once is pretty much all you can do.
He can present to any ER and just say "I am withdrawing from heavy alcohol abuse and I need help." We do it all the time in my ER and if the person is sincerely seeking help we get a case manager or social worker to help them find placement directly from the ER to a Rehab bed...if one is available, those beds are precious. We get alcoholics through withdrawal safely all the time...the rest is up to them.
Peace,
B
12th steppers from your local AA group are great because they have been where your AH is and, sad but true, A's will often listen to strangers more than intimate family - less shame and the person knows what they are going through.
So you could hand your AH the number (or website/contact info) to the local AA and let him pick up the ball. I agree with HopefulinFLA that saying it once is pretty much all you can do.
He can present to any ER and just say "I am withdrawing from heavy alcohol abuse and I need help." We do it all the time in my ER and if the person is sincerely seeking help we get a case manager or social worker to help them find placement directly from the ER to a Rehab bed...if one is available, those beds are precious. We get alcoholics through withdrawal safely all the time...the rest is up to them.
Peace,
B
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It sounds like he is reaching out and is realizing he is in a very bad place. I would ask him what his suggestions are first, he may want these things without you even pushing for them. Let that guide your conversation.
XXX
XXX
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I also agree that him reaching out & asking for help is a good sign..... I think when he initiates the convo & he's requesting help, then it's not at all crossing the street/codie behavior. It would be different if you were driving the conversation toward detox, etc.
GOOD LUCK! ((((hugs))))
GOOD LUCK! ((((hugs))))
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Walking....I gather. from your post...where you indicate that he had been through rehab in the past, that this is not the only time you all have walked down this road?
Which ever way he decides to go...it will still be important for you to decide on your boundaries. Where are your limits...how much can you tolerate...how much can the family be put through....
I know that he is in "crisis", right now. In the big picture though, you and the kids are just as important as he is. (especially, kids).
I know this is scary and isn't easy stuff (to say the least).
dandylion
Which ever way he decides to go...it will still be important for you to decide on your boundaries. Where are your limits...how much can you tolerate...how much can the family be put through....
I know that he is in "crisis", right now. In the big picture though, you and the kids are just as important as he is. (especially, kids).
I know this is scary and isn't easy stuff (to say the least).
dandylion
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