bonesofhope

Back again. Re-reading my last post on here, from April last year. Nothing has changed. I joined this site in 2012 and I am still making the same mistakes. I missed most of college last year, off with depression. Thing started to get better, I got off the anti-depressants (which I felt were making things worse) and went back to college. But just a couple of months in, I'm back to getting blackout drunk, embarrassing myself in front of classmates and friends. Along with depression I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I had 15 weeks of cognitive behavioural therapy, but I didn't feel it did anything to help with the worry. I worry so I drink, but the drink makes me worry, so I drink more. I've made plans, I've been so sure I was ready to change, but I can never make it last. On Thursday I got drunk, made a tit of myself in front of college friends (can't bear the thought of going in today now) and stabbed myself in the leg with some scissors, on top of two massive scars where I had recently cut myself with a kitchen knife. I constantly feel ashamed and keep swinging between not seeing the point and knowing I have to give up. I would like to say I have never felt this low before, but it seems to be a reoccurring feeling. Sorry if this is Whining, I just don't know what to do anymore.

Soberwolf

Bonesofhope you should really talk to a Dr if your self harming bud

Have you considered rehab my friend

awuh1

Stay on top of the depression. Do you exercise? If not strongly consider it. Have you tried AA?

Whatever you have done, it's time to consider changing it up. Done all 12 steps? Asked your physician about a different form of therapy or different antidepressant? Have you gotten medical help to detox? Gotten the help of an addictions counselor?

Esspee

As well as speaking to the GP have you spoken to a pastoral worker at college? People will want to support you, no matter how many ups and downs you have.

bonesofhope

I used to be at the doctors every week until it felt like it was taking over my life to a point where I couldn't move on. Stopping going did help for a few months, and I had the counsellor, but nothing seems to keep the change going. I Didn't really think rehab existed in the uk? At least not for free. The best I got was an offer of a Thursday morning drop in clinic.

Might go back to my doctor but it took me 4 weeks to get an appointment last time.

bonesofhope

I tried two antidepressants, I couldn't bear them. Had constant side effects - leaden limbs, fuzzy vision, cloudy zombie brain, didn't have the energy to brush my teeth, weight gain. Can't bear the idea of them again.

I've slipped out of my exercise regime because of the side effects. I walk my dogs twice a day, which helps. The only help I've been offered for addiction is the alcohol clinic. Guess it's worth a try, it's just only on at a time when I was previously attending my classes.

AA perhaps. Petrified. But think I need more people around me that now. Tired of living in secrecy.

bonesofhope

There was a counsellor there I spoke to twice but I found it mortifying - the rooms they use are not soundproof, and it was not nice to know that people could hear my crying in the cafeteria.

I told my tutor that I was having trouble sleeping - which initially caused this bout of depression, a year ago. She told me that "sleep is a luxury". After weeks of barely any sleep I was hallucinating and shaking. Very helpful.

There is one tutor last year who was kind, who had suffered post-natal depression, but she's part time and again, there is no place to really talk to her. Might try again, but the idea of going to college today is freaking me out too much.

Jackandbess2

Firstly I just want to say a massive hug to you from one human spirit to another Your situation is heartbreaking. The worse thing about depression is not having the energy to make the changes that you need to make. It's hard enough just to do the simplest of things when depressed like washing your teeth! Having been in your situation for many years this is how I got out of it; I took time out of everything that I did. I literally shut the door on my daily life as I new it and for the first time in my life I took care of myself. I nurtured myself. I cried until I could cry no longer. I talked to friends and family every day as to how I was feeling and tried to dig deep to get to the "real reasons" behind my depression. It was clear that I was lost and desperate. My mum paid for me to have one session with a psychiatrist from the priory in the UK, £120 pounds. It was the best money ever spent. He took one look at me and said two things; the first was that he would put me on Prozac (I take 60mg per day) it has been the only antidepressant that has worked for me and I've tried virtually everyone out there and he said that I needed to be admitted to the priory. The problem with this was of course the financial aspect as I just didn't have the money. He suggested that I go through all of my immediate families insurance deals to see if any of them covered family members for this type of care. I was amazed to find that my mothers insurance did just that and after a phone call to them I was admitted to the priory for a month. Finally I got the help that I needed for my depression. They teach you so much on all aspects of depression and how to understand it and most importantly how to manage it. I went back to my life liking myself, being honest with my friends that my depression caused my drinking that caused my stupid behaviour and that my depression was separate to me and was not me, was not the nice person that I actually am. My depression was an illness that I had to take time out to get under control. The priory warned me about my alcohol intake and how that affected my depression but this was all new knowledge to me and although I stayed sober for a few months I went on to test the boundaries. As far as I was concerned I went to the priory for depression and not for alcohol problems. In fact I was quiet shocked when they told me that I had an alcohol problem and thought that they were over reacting. Sadly, a few years on I now know different but that's another story. Getting your depression under control and understanding that it is a horrid destructive illness should lead to you getting your drinking under control as drinking for me was a symptom of my depression. I now take Prozac everyday and I do not drink alcohol and have never been happier. My life, for the first time feels worth living. I no longer despise myself, I like who I am even though I am far from perfect. It took me a long time to get to where I am but it would have taken me a lot longer if I had not learnt from fellow sufferers in the priory or on this fantastic site. One of the ways that I keep my depression under control is by staying sober. I check in on this site regularly to keep me on the right path. I am eternally greatful for the knowledge passed on from those who are ahead of me on the path to happiness. I am also eternally greatful for those who share their struggles and mistakes as they remind me that relapse would only bring me hopelessness and depression. I wish you all the love and support in the world for you to get through this terrible time in your life and if you could learn anything at all from me let it be this; you can get on top of serious depression but you have to stop feeding the depression with alcohol. you have to stop the alcohol right now, today. Good luck my friend.

wpainterw

Drinking as you probably know, is a depressant. So it's the old story. When you're in a hole, don't get a shovel and dig yourself in deeper. The way down is not the way out. Get medical advice. Help can get you out of the hole. Keep posting. Good luck

W.