midflight

I am new to this forum and decided to join up as I desperately need support on how to deal with my alcoholic boyfriend. I have never been exposed to anyone with alcohol problem in my life so I am absolutely struggling on how to deal with this. I have asked a couple of my close friends but no one has had enough experience to know how to handle the situation. Please help me.

This is a new relationship and I have been officially dating him for almost 3 months now. He has been the most wonderful and loving partner and is what I am looking for in a man, but his alcohol abuse is our biggest problem and I am struggling on deciding whether I should stay or go.

In our first month of dating, the first time I experienced his out of control behaviour was when he was out drinking all day with his friends. I met him at night and he was incoherent, could not walk straight and was hurling statements of abuse at bystanders as I tried to walk him home. I was horrified. He passed out almost immediately when I got him home...to which he also wet the bed.

After this episode, I had told him that it was not acceptable for him to do this. I saw the shame in his face, he expressed complete remorse and told me that he wanted to change and be better...but since then, the same kind of thing has happened several times, including him wetting the bed each time he passes out after a big night.

One of the worst times it happened he verbally abused me in front of all of his friends telling me to "Shut the **** up", calling me a "****" consistently whenever I was sitting next to him, nudging me with his elbows whenever I walked past, spitting at my feet and telling me that I looked "******* ugly."

He never really remembers what he has said the next day and always attacks me with abuse and makes me feel like I'm over-reacting, only to calm down later and express his deepest apologies.

After that incident I told him I would not continue to date him unless he promised to seek out professional help. He refused at first...then told me how much he loved me and how much he wanted to have a future with me. He said he would do anything to keep our relationship alive, even if that meant seeking out professional help. He still has not done this yet.

Last week he got drunk and called me up, accused me of wanting to **** one of my friends and started calling me "********" and "**** face." When I told him to stop he said to me "You deserve to be called a ******** and a ********". I know there's no reasoning with him when he's drunk anyway...

I have had plenty of discussions with him telling him that he does not change his ways, I will leave him. He always reassures me and tells me how much the relationship means to him and how much he wants to change. I put my faith in this and I can see he does make the effort to be conscious of what he's doing. The past few times there were drinks involved, he made sure he was drinking water and was asking me (in a nice way), "Am I being okay? I don't want to hurt you. I'm not being too wild am I?" And he was absolutely fine...but last night, he told me he would come and see me after he'd hung out with his mates. He intentionally left his bag at my place so he would have to come back and stay with me...he promised me before he left that he wouldn't get drunk (he didn't have money to get drunk anyway) and he would take care of himself...but of course, I spoke to him an hour before he was due to see me and he was wasted. He passed the phone to his friend he was hanging out with, his friend apologized and said that it was partly his fault as he hadn't seen my boyfriend in a long time and wanted to catch up with him, but I told his friend that I wasn't against them catching up, it's just the fact that my boyfriend can't handle himself when there is alcohol involved. He came to my place but I didn't let him upstairs because I knew he would wet the bed and be too much for me to handle. He didn't say anything overtly abusive, but he was incredibly incoherent and consistently denied that he was drunk. After I didn't let him in, his friend drove him home. I woke up this morning to 2 missed calls at 7AM and a text saying how sorry he was that he knew he was supposed to meet me but he ****** up and how he is still really in love with me...I have just heard him say sorry so many times without seeing enough significant action that I just don't know what to do.

I also want to reiterate that currently, he lives with a flatmate who is at the pub EVERY DAY and plays a MASSIVE influence on his life outside of work. My boyfriend is very social and does not like to say no when his flatmate asks him to join him at the pub. His flatmate drinks excessively and their group of friends drinks excessively. Every weekend involves drinking and every one else can handle their alcohol except for my boyfriend. What adds to this is that my boyfriend has had open heart surgery and has a mechanical valve. He is on blood thinning medication and isn't really supposed to be drinking...so when he drinks it hits him really hard.

We have been talking about moving in together and I feel that if we did, it would bring him away from the pattern of being around people who drink excessively and may possibly help him? But obviously I would be putting myself at risk if I do this because if he doesn't change, I would be stuck.

He is the most beautiful person I have ever met, but the drinking is destroying our relationship.
Every time I have had the discussion that I will not tolerate his behaviour, he always reassures me that he wants to be better, that he is in love with me. He says that he thinks I'm his last opportunity to fix himself because he has never loved anyone as much as me and wants us to work. He is aware that he has a problem and says that he wants to fix himself. I see the shame in his eyes and he does make an effort for a little while but the same thing seems to keep happening.

...Do I stay or do I go? I am absolutely in love with him and he is so wonderful when he doesn't get absolutely plastered. I'm torn on what to do. I can see that he does want to change and I am a firm believer that people deserve a chance...but I just don't know how to handle this situation. He is incoherent and has been verbally abusive when he is drunk. I cannot communicate with him at all or rationalize with him at all when he's in that state. He passes out, wets the bed and fails to remember most of what happened the next day.

What do I do? He is a man with a wonderful heart, but he just changes when he drinks too much. Do I walk away from something that could be potentially lovely if he helps himself? Or do I stay and give him a chance to book himself into therapy to see how that goes? I have never been in this situation ever before. Someone please help me...

ubntubnt

hi midflight, thanks for your post. There are many here who can help you think through all of this.

Only your bf can decide for himself whether he is an alcoholic or not but from your post it certainly seems that he has huge issues with alcohol. Being drunk is not an excuse for the abuse he is hurling your way. He has no right to say those things to you whether he is drunk or not.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease and always gets worse not better unless the alcoholic stops drinking completely. As you read around this site you will find many cases similar to yours. For the alcoholic (I am one) there is a never ending cycle of drinking, abusive behaviour and remorse. Does it matter that he is remorseful the next day if he is almost guaranteed to do it again and again?

In your case I think the verbal abuse is a massive red flag. Do you honestly know where his boundaries are drawn? Can you be sure that its will not turn physical at some point in the future if he is drunk?

A sweet and nice alcoholic is still an alcoholic. And as his condition worsens the sweetness will fade and the abuse will escalate. The solution for him is simple: he needs to stop drinking permanently and he will need to rearrange his life to facilitate this. This will include finding a new flat mate to live with who is teetotal.

You have the option to stop seeing him until he can demonstrate that he is committed to his recovery and that he has stopped drinking. You could agree with him to not date anyone else for 3 or 4 months...and that includes him....until he can show that he is getting his life back under control and that he has stopped drinking completely. You could say that if he continues to drink in this time or after you get back together in the future that you will have no choice but to end the relationship and move on as a life with an abusive alcoholic descending further down the rabbit hole is not acceptable to you. If he stays committed to his recovery in this time then you can both see how you feel in a few months.
You also have the choice to weigh up the risks now and walk away completely and find a more loving relationship with a man who is not an abusive alcoholic.

LemonGirl

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I am in the same boat. I just broke up with my abf after 9 mostly blissful months... He is still the seewtest man I have ever met. And he loves me and I love him and yada yada yada...

I left him because I took heed to what most of the people on this site have been through... I believe them when they say that alcoholism is progressive. I believe them when they say that they were once in my shoes and so in love and that their alcoholic loved one was once a lovely person. I believe them when they say that I can't do anything to control him, save hun, help him, change him, or that I also don't cause him to drink. It is after all, his choice. Nothing I can do about it except decide what I want for my life. If he seeks help, then fine. More power to him. Maybe someday in the future.... like, a year from now, maybe he'll be in a better place and so will I... I just don't know.

But I do know this. I love him dearly. If I stayed with him, it would mean that I didn't care what type of behavior he did. It would mean that I had a low standard and that he was allowed to act that way towards me. And the truth is that he is not; I deserve better. (And so do you.) If I leave, it means I have the chance to have a better life and he is free to make his own choices without my worry or detriment.

If it is meant to be, he'll find his own way back to you...

Take heed to the folks' stories here. There is a ton of wisdom, support, and heartbreak.... (((hugs)))

LemonGirl

Double post.

Oops

Flavia2

1. Do you worry about how much someone drinks?
2. Do you have money problems because of someone else’s drinking?
3. Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else’s drinking?
4. Do you feel that if the drinker cared about you, he or she would stop drinking to please you?
5. Do you blame the drinker’s behavior on his or her companions?
6. Are plans frequently upset or canceled or meals delayed because of the drinker?
7. Do you make threats, such as, “If you don’t stop drinking, I’ll leave you”?
8. Do you secretly try to smell the drinker’s breath?
9. Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout?
10. Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker’s behavior?
11. Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?
12. Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse?
13. Do you search for hidden alcohol?
14. Do you ever ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking?
15. Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?
16. Do you feel like a failure because you can’t control the drinking?
17. Do you think that if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?
18. Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker?
19. Do you feel angry, confused, or depressed most of the time?
20. Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?

From Alanon. Please attend a few meetings before you think about moving in with him!

Esspee

Whatever you do, do NOT move in together. If he has an addiction it won't matter who he lives with, he will continue drinking. Even without the drinking 3 months is too short a time to get to know someone properly. But in his case you can't know the real 'him' as his drinking is distorting him.

He has to face up to the problem and do something about it. You can point it out to him but he has to acknowledge it. By telling him if he doesn't do something about it you will end the relationship and then not following through with it means he has no reason to stop.

I honestly think the best thing you can do is state categorically he needs to recognise his problem and get help. That you will support him while he does that. But if he won't then the relationship is over, and actually end it.

Whatever he is like sober, you should not have to endure abuse from him when he is drunk. Just a thought, has anyone ever filmed him in this state - including wetting himself? That might help him realise he needs to act.

Anyhow, that's all just my opinion. Whatever you decide to do I hope all works out for you x

FeelingGreat

Hi midflight, sorry you've found yourself in this situation, especially as you don't have experience with alcoholic.
I see you accept he is an alcoholic, and I agree the signs all point to that. A's don't necessarily drink every day, but they can't control themselves forever. They also keep drinking even when they know how badly drinking affects their relationships. The drinking will always take priority. You will be second choice, unless he accepts that he's an alcoholic and stops drinking permanently.
Added to the fact that he gets uncontrollably drunk, he's also an abuser. Verbal abuse is abuse; he doesn't have to get violent. Couple that will the emotional manipulation of him keeping you in place with declarations of love and you have a classic abuser pattern.
I know you love him, but without him putting his everything into staying sober forever your relationship will continue the way it has started. Is that where you want to be in 5 years?

midflight

Oh my gosh...everything that everyone is saying has made everything become even more real for me, as I just have never been exposed to handling with an alcoholic in my life ever.

ubntubnt - something that struck me in what you said was about how remorse becomes void if the pattern continues. This is absolutely correct, I'm just having difficulties walking away as I believe him when he says that he wants to stop. I know he has a good heart & I know he desperately wants to change...is it worth suggesting that he goes to therapy? (And obviously making sure that he follows through this time...maybe booking the appointment with him).

HMA - it is comforting for me to hear that I am not the only one who has been in this situation - which is probably naive of me but as I've never been exposed to it I guess I just never knew it could be like this. Thank you for your kind words and support. I am hoping that I also can have the strength to deal with this as you did.

Flavia2 - Thank you for posting these questions. This has reiterated how many of these patterns coincide with his behavior and is shedding more perspective on the situation for me.

Esspee - I have not filmed him but his friends witnessed it enough for him to know he wasn't treating me right from that incident. It's hard because they all drink as well, but they're not the ones who are dealing with him when everyone goes to bed. I did record the way he was speaking to me once, but I did not play it to him because I asked him "Do you remember the kinds of things you say to me when you're drunk? Do you believe me when I say that you are abusive?" And he agreed so I didn't see a point in playing it to him.
I didn't record his bed-wetting, he is fully aware of it though and does not deny it. He is full of shame and really resents himself in the morning when he does it. Even his friends have seen him do it, but obviously they don't care enough to tell him that it is a massive issue as they're not the ones it's really affecting & they also drink a lot...

FeelingGreat - Reading 'Drinking will always take the priority' has cemented this for me...I have said this before to him and he always seems to deny it. It always comes down to "I want to have fun with my friends" which of course I would never stop him from having fun! I've tried to explain to him I'm not against him going to see his friends and I'm not even against people in general getting drunk - it happens to all of us - it's the fact that when he is drunk he is abusive and is too difficult to deal with. He turns it around on me and says that I have a problem with him having fun. He has been more conscious about being "abusive" as last night, he did not call me any names...but he showed up to the bottom of my apartment very drunk and incoherent. The conversation went something like:
Me: "Where are you?"
Him: "I'm here."
Me: "I know you're drunk. I don't think you should stay here tonight...I can bring your stuff down."
Him: "What the **** are you talking about?"
Me: "You're drunk. Please go home. I can't handle you like this."
Him: "Nup. I don't ******* like it" *hangs up*"

I tried to call him back twice and he didn't pick up. Then it was just him calling my door bell constantly and me refusing to let him in.

There is a lot of "What the **** are you talking about? I'm not drunk." And although it's not overtly calling him names, today when I spoke to him he used it against me. He said, "Well was I abusive towards you? Did I call you names? I didn't call you names so whats the ******* problem?"
And I said, "You promised me you would not come home drunk as you act different when you're drunk."
To which he responded with, "I shouldn't have promised I was coming over to stay with you. I should have just stayed out and said, see you tomorrow. Why should I rush around at 11 at night trying to see you anyway? I know I promised to come but it was dumb. I should have just stayed out. I'm here making all this effort to see you. Why didn't you just come to me instead?"

How do I argue with that? It's true, he didn't call me names when he was drunk last night...but he was drunk...and now he is making me feel guilty that he promised me would see me. He's making me feel like I'm asking him to run around for me...what do I do?

ubntubnt

Midflight, please take time to read through this site. It will go a long way to helping you to understand alcoholism and learn from the experiences of others.

Alcoholism is not rational and if you start on a cycle of trying to make sense of everything an alcoholic says or does it will drive you nuts and will be completely futile. Its not rational.

You are dating an alcoholic. If you are uncomfortable around him when he drinks then you are perfectly within your rights to ask him not to drink or you cannot be around him. He will then have a choice to make. Even when confronted with a choice of their own lives or drinking many alcoholics choose to drink, and die as a result. Thats how powerful and sick and twisted this disease is. How do you argue with that?

Right now you need to protect yourself from this abusive relationship and put yourself first. He will lie and scream and swear and argue and deny all day long if he needs to. Thats what we do. What he needs to do, but probably won't, is admit that he is an alcoholic who can never drink again.

Catherine628

3 months in and he is already verbally abusive, drinking to excess frequently, and wetting the bed. It goes downhill from here unless he finds recovery. Alcoholism is progressive.

My advice is listen to his actions not his words. An alcoholic makes promises to stop or cut back on drinking but he really has no control over his urge to drink.

It doesnt matter who he lives with, he will find a way to drink. The cold hard truth about living with an alcoholic is you are powerless to change him. He will have to find his own path to recovery.

Keep reading. Educate yourself on alcoholism. It is a horrible disease.

My opinion: Go. There are lots of red flags for a 3 month relationship.

53500

Midflight, I hope you will spend some more time reading around this forum about what it's like to live with an alcoholic. You're getting a crash course and you don't live with him. The incoherence, verbal abuse, incontinence, string of one broken promise after another - you get all that and worse. Thank God you can lock your door and not let him in when he's blackout, raging drunk. Can you imagine if he lived with you and you could not keep him out?

IF this man wants help, wants to do the hard work of staying sober, then he will have to make his own therapy appointments or find his way to an AA meeting.

ubntubnt put it very well: That is the very least you should do, IMO, to protect yourself from his verbal abuse which NO ONE deserves and which could easily escalate to physical abuse. I'm not saying it will but it could.

IMO you should run. You're only 3 months in. There are plenty of wonderful and loving men out there who do not have his very serious and frightening problems. Best of luck to you.

Cleo1234

Please DO NOT let him move in with you!!! I dated my alcoholic ex for 18 months and after 5 months let him move into my home. I also thought that if he was away from all the bad influences then he would have a better chance of being sober. I thought that if i showed him a good life and made his life as stress free as possible that all would be better. It wasn't!! My life turned upside down. He still continued to drink behind my back and every time i realized he was drunk it was a huge fight. The next day was always filled with Im sorry, this will never happen again, Please don't leave me, i want to spend my life with you... blah blah.... The thing is, maybe they do mean it. I do believe that they want to change and in that moment they never want to drink again. But, the sad truth is it happened again and again and again. If he truly wants to change then he has to do it on his own, for himself.. not for you. My life living with him gave me so much anxiety and caused me to be so paranoid. I wanted to control his every move so he wouldn't have a relapse. All i began to think about was what he was doing and his next move and hiding his life style from my friends and family. I lost myself in the process.
I know you love him and saying to walk away is easier said then done. But, please regardless of your decision at this time, just don't allow him to move in with you. Don't try to save him, i know you think you can, but you can't. He will just do what he doing now but this time he will be living with you, and you won't be able to turn him away when he comes home and is verbally abusive and potentially physically. You're still very early in on this relationship.. so slow down a bit and really read up about his disease.

ubntubnt

Sorry, one other thing. Almost everyone I know would describe me as kind and having a big heart. I take care of my family and friends and love my wife and kids.
However...if I continue to drink then none of that matters because my drinking will destroy everything. Nothing is sacred and this disease respects nothing. In the long run there is only recovery or total devastation with nothing in between. This is what your bf faces and it seems that he is yet to make that choice. Alcohol does not care how sweet your smile is or how big your heart is. All it cares about is getting more booze.
A lot of partners of alcoholics think that they can change the alcoholic or ask questions like "how can he love drinking more than me?". Its really nothing to do with you so try not to take it personally. This is a battle between him and his alcoholism and you get to choose whether you are a part of the scenery or not while his battle plays out.

NWGRITS

The best thing you can do is NOT move in together. That right there will save you so much of a headache. You've gotten great advice on setting boundaries and finding an Al-Anon meeting. You are not alone, you are not crazy, and you haven't caused any of his behaviors or drinking. Glad you've found us!

Santa

You can run now, or you can run later, after your life has become chaos because you are enmeshed with an alcoholic. As someone who wasted 25 years that way, which I'll never get back, my advice is to run now.

Mango blast

midflight - I'm glad you're here, but sorry for what brought you.

Alcohol addiction (alcoholism) is a chronic, progressive disease. Not all alcoholics are abusive.

Emotional, verbal or physical abuse is never okay. Drinking or being drunk does not explain this behavior or make it okay.

Please contact your local domestic violence center or the national hotline for information and help. There is a cycle of abuse that seems to be going on. DV centers are safe places with understanding, caring people who are there to help us. Learning about this is vitally important for healthy loving relationships.

Australia info:
1-800-RESPECT
Domestic violence support | ReachOut.com Australia

United States info:
1-800-799-7233
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

Please keep posting. We care about. You are important. Even if you decide to end this relationship, there is often unseen damage that benefits from reaching out and learning how to fully heal.

Thumper

You seem like a caring and smart person. We date people in order to learn more about them. We use what we learn to stay or leave. You've learned that this guy drinks to much to often. He calls you names, treats you poorly, doesn't keep his word, dismisses you by telling you what you want to hear but never following through, wets the bed, tries to manipulate you into feeling guilty for his screw ups, and that is in the first three months. You are worth more than that. You deserve better than that. Cut your losses, sooth your broken heart, and free yourself to find a man that values and respects you ALL of the time every day.

barelybreathing

First of all, welcome. I am glad you are here, there is so much wisdom here. I wish I would have found SR early in my relationship with my xabf. I had the same red flags 3 months in but ignored them, thought I could save him, thought our love would be enough, but sadly nothing was enough. He was verbally and physically abusive before I ended it after 2 years. Trust me when I say actions speak louder than words! He is showing you who he is...believe him and walk away. I know I am telling you to do what I didn't do. I wish to god I would have, but sadly endured much heartbreak and abuse. Whatever you decide, please take care of yourself and contact the DV hotline. I along with many others on this site are here for you!

((((Hugs))))

redatlanta

Glad you found us!

Run like hell. This is not what you want for your life. I can say that without knowing anything about you. I promise you cannot fix this.

LexieCat

Hi, glad you're here. You've received a TON of wisdom here, so I'll just add this. You said: What, exactly, have you seen that indicates he wants to CHANGE? Apart from his words, which is what every alcoholic faced with consequences will say?

I've been in two marriages to alcoholics, and I'm a sober alcoholic (six years). For the last few years of my drinking I'd say I "wanted to change" but what I MEANT was that I wanted to drink like a normal person. I certainly didn't want to give up drinking and go through all the pain and hard work of getting sober and staying that way.

You are only three months into this relationship. No matter how wonderful he seems when he isn't drinking, the alcoholism will progress, and you will see less and less, over time, of that "wonderfulness" and more and more of the ugliness--the abuse, the incontinence, the irrational behavior. Are you going to bail him out of jail when he gets arrested? Are you ready to have your bedroom permanently stinking of urine? Because that's the sort of thing you have to look forward to.