Help me, codependent freak out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Help me, codependent freak out.
I'm feeling crazy codependent right now. Separated AH is supposed to watch the boys tomorrow. Although he hasn't drank lately anytime I am not in contact with him I have extreme anxiety that he's going to drink, go on a bender and flake out or just cause me stress. Yesterday he went on a tangent about how I don't leave him alone and I am paranoid and drive him crazy. He thinks it's me being obsessed with him, when in reality I have zero romantic interest/respect for him. I am just still obsessed with whether or not he's drinking. If he goes on a bender, it means my parents have to watch the boys and I already feel like they help enough.
Today I texted to confirm what time I would bring the boys over. He didn't respond so I called. No answer. He responds later with a "What?" text. I tell him I wanted to make sure it was still fine to bring the boys at that time. I really was just satisfying my own urge to make sure he didn't sound drunk. He goes off on me, saying I'm a paranoid psycho among other nice names. He said "forget it, just bring them on your way to work," which means getting them up extra early. I lost it on him and told him to forget it, I will ask my mom to watch them. He said good and hung up.
I am so livid right now. I hate it that I still care whether he's drinking. I feel like I have to worry all the time, because I won't have the boys around him if he's been drinking. What can I do? I'm a ball of stress and anger.
Today I texted to confirm what time I would bring the boys over. He didn't respond so I called. No answer. He responds later with a "What?" text. I tell him I wanted to make sure it was still fine to bring the boys at that time. I really was just satisfying my own urge to make sure he didn't sound drunk. He goes off on me, saying I'm a paranoid psycho among other nice names. He said "forget it, just bring them on your way to work," which means getting them up extra early. I lost it on him and told him to forget it, I will ask my mom to watch them. He said good and hung up.
I am so livid right now. I hate it that I still care whether he's drinking. I feel like I have to worry all the time, because I won't have the boys around him if he's been drinking. What can I do? I'm a ball of stress and anger.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
Hugs, Emmy - it's hard to be a single parent! If you normally don't care if he's been drinking but just care because he'll be watching the boys, I don't consider that a co-dependent mess, just protecting them.
Take care and try not to stress. Doesn't sound like he's about to change.
Take care and try not to stress. Doesn't sound like he's about to change.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
It's hard to let go of obsessing over our A(x) partners' drinking when our kids will be with them. I had a very hard time with it and AXH's visits with DS were supervised. I can imagine how anxious I would be if DS was alone with AXH.... I know how anxious I was when it was AXH's father supervising the visit...
I handled it by safety planning with DS and making sure he had a phone, knew how to get a hold of me, my family, my friends, if he ever felt unsafe. This was when DS was between the ages of 6 and 8. Not only did I make sure our numbers were in his phone, but that he knew several of them by heart in case AXH or his GF/family took away his phone.
I also worried, just like you seem to be doing, of imposing on my parents and sister. They were who I relied on to watch DS when I had to work. They told/tell me so often, though, that they love DS and adore the time they get to be with him. Watching him isn't an imposition. My family also knew how unreliable AXH was getting. Had I not asked them if they could watch DS, if I hadn't let them help when I needed it... Well, I would have been, and was on a couple occasions, lectured severely.
If your folks are anything like mine, I suspect that worrying about having to ask them to watch your boys is one you can let go of.
I handled it by safety planning with DS and making sure he had a phone, knew how to get a hold of me, my family, my friends, if he ever felt unsafe. This was when DS was between the ages of 6 and 8. Not only did I make sure our numbers were in his phone, but that he knew several of them by heart in case AXH or his GF/family took away his phone.
I also worried, just like you seem to be doing, of imposing on my parents and sister. They were who I relied on to watch DS when I had to work. They told/tell me so often, though, that they love DS and adore the time they get to be with him. Watching him isn't an imposition. My family also knew how unreliable AXH was getting. Had I not asked them if they could watch DS, if I hadn't let them help when I needed it... Well, I would have been, and was on a couple occasions, lectured severely.
If your folks are anything like mine, I suspect that worrying about having to ask them to watch your boys is one you can let go of.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
My parents are great and never complain...I think it's about me feeling like AH is a reflection of me. I feel ashamed that I can't always count on him and it's hard for me to be totally honest about that.
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Total honesty is what brings the issues to light. Be brave....
And all relationships are really just reflections. In this way, we can take what we don't like in ourselves and change it. But not the other way around.
And all relationships are really just reflections. In this way, we can take what we don't like in ourselves and change it. But not the other way around.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
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Oh, sending hugs, EmmyG. Please feel free to let that idea go, too. Your AH's behavior is a reflection of no one but himself. If it'll help, I think I finally let it go of that weight after getting ticked off a few (lot of) times about AXH bailing on and hurting our son so much and so often. There is NO way I'd ever do that to my son, so I realized there was no way his behavior was a reflection of me. And your AH's behavior is only a reflection of him.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Originally Posted by EmmyG 
My parents are great and never complain...I think it's about me feeling like AH is a reflection of me. I feel ashamed that I can't always count on him and it's hard for me to be totally honest about that.
I think you're figuring it out though, that you simply just do not trust him right now. If I remember right, his history is to hold it together pretty well & then lose it at the worst moments, doing a complete flip-flop in a short time? I'd be nervous too. ((((((hugs))))))
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Maybe you should give up the idea of having him watch the boys, at least for now.
Talk to your parents about it and tell them your concerns.
If it is pulling you back into the emotional spin cycle, it isn't worth it.
Talk to your parents about it and tell them your concerns.
If it is pulling you back into the emotional spin cycle, it isn't worth it.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Originally Posted by EmmyG
My parents are great and never complain...I think it's about me feeling like AH is a reflection of me. I feel ashamed that I can't always count on him and it's hard for me to be totally honest about that.
Take care honey - this too shall pass!
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 117
Dear Emmy,
I know that others here have posted about using Soberlink as a tool to help with visitation. I haven't used it, but would love to learn about others' experiences with it. I understand that, upon agreement or court order, the visiting parent can be required to breathalyze into a portable internet connected device at regular intervals of time, and that you then get notices of test results, or failure to take tests. I have heard others say that where there is a positive result, the visitation ends, and a future visitation is taken away. This could give you peace of mind during a visit. It may not be achievable to get this type of parenting plan worked out now, but please keep it in mind for maybe in the future, if the alcoholism progresses and you can prove that to a court?
I know that others here have posted about using Soberlink as a tool to help with visitation. I haven't used it, but would love to learn about others' experiences with it. I understand that, upon agreement or court order, the visiting parent can be required to breathalyze into a portable internet connected device at regular intervals of time, and that you then get notices of test results, or failure to take tests. I have heard others say that where there is a positive result, the visitation ends, and a future visitation is taken away. This could give you peace of mind during a visit. It may not be achievable to get this type of parenting plan worked out now, but please keep it in mind for maybe in the future, if the alcoholism progresses and you can prove that to a court?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hi Emmy.
Boy do I understand this. I still have anxiety when my girls go with their dad. It has gotten better, because I do realize that I am doing all I can and the rest I have given to God in prayer.
Do you think he would use Soberlink? I know my X would not, no way in hell. I have to see and speak to him before I will drop my kids with him. That is an agreement between us.
I hate to say, but the easiest way I have to have any result with this was to sit my X down and say, "Look, I know I am super paranoid about your drinking. I accept that. I am really working on it. If you can help me out with this I would really appreciate it so it helps me get through this rough time and puts both me and the kids at ease about being around you and not having to worry so much."
I know it's nuts. I know it's giving in to his narcissist personality b/c I am essentially accepting blame when I did nothing wrong. However, this manipulation is the only way he will actually change his behavior at all. So, I suck it up. I journal my true feelings, that he is an a$$, and that is makes me so mad. I come here to SR. I do these things b/c in dealing with him I have accepted this is the only way I will get any results.
Tight hugs to you. I know it's so very hard. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
XXX
Boy do I understand this. I still have anxiety when my girls go with their dad. It has gotten better, because I do realize that I am doing all I can and the rest I have given to God in prayer.
Do you think he would use Soberlink? I know my X would not, no way in hell. I have to see and speak to him before I will drop my kids with him. That is an agreement between us.
I hate to say, but the easiest way I have to have any result with this was to sit my X down and say, "Look, I know I am super paranoid about your drinking. I accept that. I am really working on it. If you can help me out with this I would really appreciate it so it helps me get through this rough time and puts both me and the kids at ease about being around you and not having to worry so much."
I know it's nuts. I know it's giving in to his narcissist personality b/c I am essentially accepting blame when I did nothing wrong. However, this manipulation is the only way he will actually change his behavior at all. So, I suck it up. I journal my true feelings, that he is an a$$, and that is makes me so mad. I come here to SR. I do these things b/c in dealing with him I have accepted this is the only way I will get any results.
Tight hugs to you. I know it's so very hard. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
XXX
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I know it's tough to let go. My sponsor gave me a mantra: "it's none of my business". That's some years ago and I still have to practice not giving unsolicited advice. Alanon helped me keep the focus on my own recovery and stop obsessing about the alcoholic and his craziness. Eventually you get peace of mind but boy, it's sometimes a bumpy ride. A big hug.
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