What lies beneath
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What lies beneath
This last one, where I just left my abf... about 3 weeks ago now...? Anyway, he is just part of the long string of bad relationships I have found myself in over the years. A quick recap: when I was 13, my bf died in a car accident on the way home from a Grateful Dead concert. When I was 15-17, I shared a speed addiction and was madly in love with my highschool sweetheart who was later accused of molesting his 2 yr old cousin. I then proceeded to date more alcoholics, and began to endure different sorts of emotional and mental abuses that I wasn't aware of. At one point, I became pregnant and was threatened by that bf that I was going to get the S*** kicked out of me if I didn't get an abortion. Needless to say I did exactly that; I hated that decision. I struggled to get off of meth and eventually did. Though I have had my addictions, I have a really high resolve to become healthy and NOT be an addict or alcoholic and so I have always had strength in kicking habits. Although now I am seeing that addiction or not, enabling behaviors are just as bad and that is what I wasn't seeing...
Anyway, because of the chaos, I desperately wanted change. So I met my first husband when I was 21. He was romantic, funny, had his own business, and we ran off to Vegas. In my mind, he was going to save me. Turns out he had some God-inferiority complex as a recovering crack addict and alcoholic, and he became schizophrenic and was terribly controlling, scary, and abusive. I became pregnant and began to plan my escape, just one year after marrying him. I did in fact escape. I stayed single for 2 years after that. Then I met my youngest daughter's dad. He seemed so harmless. But he was really just a master at drawing me in until I was stuck. That man cheated on me, emotionally and mentally abused me, did speed behind my back for the whole of our 5 year relationship, he was always angry and threw stuff at me and punched holes in the walls, he stole from me, lied to me, manipulated me, and even gave me a lifelong "gift" from his cheating. And because we share a child, I still have to deal with him. My first husband eventually killed himself.
My next round of bad relationships, though it was MUCH better (My recovery has slowly gotten better over the years.), was with a narcissist in an on and off again 6-7 year bout. In between I did manage to date nice men, but they just weren't my type. I finally said goodbye to my narcissist only to meet my recent abf, who, in my defense, was only a 9 month relationship and was never abusive or mean, just utterly annoying when he drinks.
So.... here I am. AAAAALLLLL of this later, and I'm wondering now, why in the halibut do I keep subconsciously choosing these types of relationships when I so easily acknowledge them while in the midst and do indeed manage to leave these relationships?? What is it that is keeping me stuck at this point?
Much, much thinking later, and I have come to accept that while I realize my upbringing has had a lot to do with it (whiskey in the morning, abusive dad, just lost my step dad to liver cancer (high functioning beer drinker), and am now living with my mom who has turned to 10 low carb beers a night to deal with that loss).... While it is obvious why I have found myself in these patterns, what I NEVER did was work on those relationships and get healthy inside of my family dynamic. I don't talk to my real dad. But I do live with my mom. And I am struggling deeply with accepting that she is probably an alcoholic and I am here enabling her. She is getting older and can't "do" much for herself. And I just want OUT! It is not some abusive issue, so I can manage most days just fine here, and my two daughters and I and my mom run a very loving home, in fact. But there is a dysfunction in my relationship with her that I am seeing for the first time, and it scares the crap out of me that I now should be dealing with this if I am to EVER recover for myself. Not marrying my xabf means that I am NOT moving out this fall like we had planned and I am going to be here for another 2 years.
So that is my initial plan. Move out in 2 years. This should give me ample time to slowly detach and begin allowing her to take responsibility for her own life. THIS is going to be harder for me than leaving my abf... But this IS recovery, isn't it?
Anyway, because of the chaos, I desperately wanted change. So I met my first husband when I was 21. He was romantic, funny, had his own business, and we ran off to Vegas. In my mind, he was going to save me. Turns out he had some God-inferiority complex as a recovering crack addict and alcoholic, and he became schizophrenic and was terribly controlling, scary, and abusive. I became pregnant and began to plan my escape, just one year after marrying him. I did in fact escape. I stayed single for 2 years after that. Then I met my youngest daughter's dad. He seemed so harmless. But he was really just a master at drawing me in until I was stuck. That man cheated on me, emotionally and mentally abused me, did speed behind my back for the whole of our 5 year relationship, he was always angry and threw stuff at me and punched holes in the walls, he stole from me, lied to me, manipulated me, and even gave me a lifelong "gift" from his cheating. And because we share a child, I still have to deal with him. My first husband eventually killed himself.
My next round of bad relationships, though it was MUCH better (My recovery has slowly gotten better over the years.), was with a narcissist in an on and off again 6-7 year bout. In between I did manage to date nice men, but they just weren't my type. I finally said goodbye to my narcissist only to meet my recent abf, who, in my defense, was only a 9 month relationship and was never abusive or mean, just utterly annoying when he drinks.
So.... here I am. AAAAALLLLL of this later, and I'm wondering now, why in the halibut do I keep subconsciously choosing these types of relationships when I so easily acknowledge them while in the midst and do indeed manage to leave these relationships?? What is it that is keeping me stuck at this point?
Much, much thinking later, and I have come to accept that while I realize my upbringing has had a lot to do with it (whiskey in the morning, abusive dad, just lost my step dad to liver cancer (high functioning beer drinker), and am now living with my mom who has turned to 10 low carb beers a night to deal with that loss).... While it is obvious why I have found myself in these patterns, what I NEVER did was work on those relationships and get healthy inside of my family dynamic. I don't talk to my real dad. But I do live with my mom. And I am struggling deeply with accepting that she is probably an alcoholic and I am here enabling her. She is getting older and can't "do" much for herself. And I just want OUT! It is not some abusive issue, so I can manage most days just fine here, and my two daughters and I and my mom run a very loving home, in fact. But there is a dysfunction in my relationship with her that I am seeing for the first time, and it scares the crap out of me that I now should be dealing with this if I am to EVER recover for myself. Not marrying my xabf means that I am NOT moving out this fall like we had planned and I am going to be here for another 2 years.
So that is my initial plan. Move out in 2 years. This should give me ample time to slowly detach and begin allowing her to take responsibility for her own life. THIS is going to be harder for me than leaving my abf... But this IS recovery, isn't it?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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HMA -- I've been noticing that it takes A LOT of courage to look at my past and find the destructive patterns I've engaged in over the years in my relationships with my codependency. I know it's no small thing, and there can be a lot of pain as we look back, so I commend you on spelling it out so clearly for yourself here so you can get honest about what's really going on in your relationships.
I think that is DEFINITELY part of recovery -- and it sounds like step 1. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."
In one of the Al-Anon meetings I've been to, someone elaborated on this step saying it goes further than just being powerless over alcohol, but really over all "persons, places, and things.
Powerless! Can't change them, control them, or cure them.
I laughed out loud when I first heard that...powerless over all persons, places, and things.
And oh how unmanageable my life has become...and maybe your life has become now, if not certainly in the past with those painful relationships.
I understand that you feel like your can't leave your mother because she's older and can't do a lot of things for herself, and that maybe you feel like it's manageable for the most part...
But you're also responsible for your daughters...and the longer you stay there, the longer your daughter's will be affected in who knows what ways from living with your alcoholic mother. It's a family disease. Others around the alcoholic cannot help but become sick.
Maybe you and/or your daughters can consider going to an Al-Anon meeting? (Or Al-Ateen?) Not sure how old they are.
Making the decision to leave an unhealthy relationship is never easy -- maybe you can get some additional support there to help you take responsibility for your own life, too.
I haven't met you here on SR before, but I'm glad you're here and that you posted today. <3
I think that is DEFINITELY part of recovery -- and it sounds like step 1. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."
In one of the Al-Anon meetings I've been to, someone elaborated on this step saying it goes further than just being powerless over alcohol, but really over all "persons, places, and things.
Powerless! Can't change them, control them, or cure them.
I laughed out loud when I first heard that...powerless over all persons, places, and things.
And oh how unmanageable my life has become...and maybe your life has become now, if not certainly in the past with those painful relationships.
I understand that you feel like your can't leave your mother because she's older and can't do a lot of things for herself, and that maybe you feel like it's manageable for the most part...
But you're also responsible for your daughters...and the longer you stay there, the longer your daughter's will be affected in who knows what ways from living with your alcoholic mother. It's a family disease. Others around the alcoholic cannot help but become sick.
Maybe you and/or your daughters can consider going to an Al-Anon meeting? (Or Al-Ateen?) Not sure how old they are.
Making the decision to leave an unhealthy relationship is never easy -- maybe you can get some additional support there to help you take responsibility for your own life, too.
I haven't met you here on SR before, but I'm glad you're here and that you posted today. <3
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Originally Posted by shinebright7 
HMA --
But you're also responsible for your daughters...and the longer you stay there, the longer your daughter's will be affected in who knows what ways from living with your alcoholic mother. It's a family disease. Others around the alcoholic cannot help but become sick.
<3
But you're also responsible for your daughters...and the longer you stay there, the longer your daughter's will be affected in who knows what ways from living with your alcoholic mother. It's a family disease. Others around the alcoholic cannot help but become sick.
<3
My daughters... The EXACT reason I am delving into all of this. Just a few days ago I was venting to God how upset I am that I have to be martyr here and take on the role of changing my family dynamics. If I don't stop this here, my daughters will grow up to repeat it and possibly be the ones trying to correct these burdens.
I didn't consider Al-anon for me or them... I think a part of me is just really afraid to voice to my mother that I think she is an alcoholic. And to allow my girls to believe that about their grandmother? And their granddaddy that they just lost and were terribly close to? How sick is that that I want them to have good memories of it all and am willing to cover up the truth...? That's not good, and I know it.
I find that this is the part where I have to assure myself that I am allowed to be upset and I am allowed to want to change it and I am allowed to take control of my life and do what is right for my kids. In spite of the pain that my mom may feel and the arguing that will probably come with that. I dread it. ugh...
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Location: New York, NY
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What Alanon and cognitive therapy showed me is that I was constantly picking the wrong men who either lived in other countries or had major problems. I've read that at the heart of addiction (including codependency) is low self-esteem and in hindsight, I believe that's true. After all, if we loved ourselves in a healthy way we'd quickly walk away from alcoholics who are selfish, self-centered, irresponsible and thoughtless. Thanks to the work I've done I walk quickly away from anyone who doesn't treat me with basic respect. One chance is all anyone gets, but there are, I find, plenty of good people in this world. But it's an inside job ... by changing our thinking we change our exterior world. I strongly suggest Alanon.
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Thank you NYC.... I can see how self esteem underlies these decisions. I also struggle with believing I have self esteem issues. I don't really down talk myself and I actually think quite highly of myself. BUT, I do have a hard time creating boundaries... Probably because at a young age I had a parent who didn't respect mine or my sister's boundaries. And additionally, I was taught that what my father did to my sister was partly my responsibility... and he ways tried to guilt me into feeling sorry for him.
Couple those things with not having any positive role model to look up to... someone healthy... and I believe I am making some of these choices based on comfort. I never saw any different, so I don't know what normal looks like....
But self esteem I am good at. Though what you said rings true in that, if I do love myself, shouldn't I be able to put a stop to others' bad behaviors? It's just a matter of knowing what is another person's mistake, and what is just plain ole bad behavior. I need to practice getting over the guilt thing.
Couple those things with not having any positive role model to look up to... someone healthy... and I believe I am making some of these choices based on comfort. I never saw any different, so I don't know what normal looks like....
But self esteem I am good at. Though what you said rings true in that, if I do love myself, shouldn't I be able to put a stop to others' bad behaviors? It's just a matter of knowing what is another person's mistake, and what is just plain ole bad behavior. I need to practice getting over the guilt thing.
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