In a relationship with a recovering alcoholic
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: WEST CHESTER
Posts: 10
In a relationship with a recovering alcoholic
hey everyone,
I'm new to posting but have been actively reading on this site for years. I'm an adult daughter (24 years old) of an active substance abuser and alcoholic father and formerly co-dependent mother (they divorced seven years ago).
For the past few months I've been involved with a man (30 years old) who will have a year sober on 2/16/15 despite my promise to myself as a little girl to never date a man with a substance abuse issue. I've known him for nearly 1 1/2 years as a friend and I supported him emotionally when he lost his well paying job because of his alcoholism (the day of my birthday no less!). I was there during his first few weeks of AA meetings (a world I am very familiar with since I was 6), and the loss of his grandfather and dog. he's been so supportive of me through my father's relapse and manipulation and my decision to finally cut him out of my life (it's been a year and I've never felt better--boundaries are awesome)
although we were technically friends when we met (3 months before he lost his job) we did have feelings for each other, feelings I told him I wasn't comfortable acting on until he had close to a year sober. He was understanding, worked the program for himself and gave me time and space... looking back I'm happy that we did Things that way.
Although I'm not an alcoholic I'm also in a recovery of sorts...in recovery for the trauma and abuse I went through as a child and adolescent. Its taken 2 years of therapy, nearly 3 years of putting God first in my life for me to accept the past and move on. He suggested to me that I go to Al-anon meetings and I just might.
I've met his parents, he's been very transparent with me about his meetings (his roommate is in recovery and I've known him for six months) and I've met many of the friends he's made through AA. We also share a lot of the same friends who know his decision to be sober and support it 100%. In turn, I'm transparent with him about my family background (which is way more tumultuous than his. His parents are amazing!), my concerns about dating someone in recovery etc.
Last night he told me he loves me for the first time and I was able to reciprocate that. It took us over a year to verbalize it but I think it was better this way. I got to know him...the real him without the mess of emotions getting in the way. We're taking things slowly (we've officially been together for 2 months) and I'm learning to not compare him to my father...he is his own man. He's still in therapy and I'm actually meeting his therapist in a month or so (it's his therapist's idea).
Neither of us knows what the future holds but he's been working a great program through AA, he's not a dry drunk, and he's found a job in the same field and has been moving up for the past 4 months.
Despite my initial reservations, it's been the healthiest relationship I've been in so far and I can only let time and God reveal if this is right for me long-term.
Just wanted to share my first ever experience being friends and now lovers with someone in recovery.
I'm new to posting but have been actively reading on this site for years. I'm an adult daughter (24 years old) of an active substance abuser and alcoholic father and formerly co-dependent mother (they divorced seven years ago).
For the past few months I've been involved with a man (30 years old) who will have a year sober on 2/16/15 despite my promise to myself as a little girl to never date a man with a substance abuse issue. I've known him for nearly 1 1/2 years as a friend and I supported him emotionally when he lost his well paying job because of his alcoholism (the day of my birthday no less!). I was there during his first few weeks of AA meetings (a world I am very familiar with since I was 6), and the loss of his grandfather and dog. he's been so supportive of me through my father's relapse and manipulation and my decision to finally cut him out of my life (it's been a year and I've never felt better--boundaries are awesome)
although we were technically friends when we met (3 months before he lost his job) we did have feelings for each other, feelings I told him I wasn't comfortable acting on until he had close to a year sober. He was understanding, worked the program for himself and gave me time and space... looking back I'm happy that we did Things that way.
Although I'm not an alcoholic I'm also in a recovery of sorts...in recovery for the trauma and abuse I went through as a child and adolescent. Its taken 2 years of therapy, nearly 3 years of putting God first in my life for me to accept the past and move on. He suggested to me that I go to Al-anon meetings and I just might.
I've met his parents, he's been very transparent with me about his meetings (his roommate is in recovery and I've known him for six months) and I've met many of the friends he's made through AA. We also share a lot of the same friends who know his decision to be sober and support it 100%. In turn, I'm transparent with him about my family background (which is way more tumultuous than his. His parents are amazing!), my concerns about dating someone in recovery etc.
Last night he told me he loves me for the first time and I was able to reciprocate that. It took us over a year to verbalize it but I think it was better this way. I got to know him...the real him without the mess of emotions getting in the way. We're taking things slowly (we've officially been together for 2 months) and I'm learning to not compare him to my father...he is his own man. He's still in therapy and I'm actually meeting his therapist in a month or so (it's his therapist's idea).
Neither of us knows what the future holds but he's been working a great program through AA, he's not a dry drunk, and he's found a job in the same field and has been moving up for the past 4 months.
Despite my initial reservations, it's been the healthiest relationship I've been in so far and I can only let time and God reveal if this is right for me long-term.
Just wanted to share my first ever experience being friends and now lovers with someone in recovery.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Cj- welcome to SR. We all have a past, its what we do with the past to move forward. I am glad that you have taken the time to get to know him as you have dealt with addiction in your family. You are very young to be so wise to the addiction issues in your life.
I would highly recommend hitting an alanon meeting. You will understand some things that your A will talk about. It will help you understand so much and help you with your fathers issues. I agree worrying about comparing him to your Dad. Alanon will help with that. Also try and hit an open AA meeting, that might help your understanding also. I think that your RA would appreciate your help and support, understanding his situation.
I wish you luck in your journey. Its very hard to find true love and it looks like you have taken it slow and it has truly blossomed into just that.
SR is an awesome forum. Keep reading and educating yourself what it is really like loving, living and understanding an A.
I would highly recommend hitting an alanon meeting. You will understand some things that your A will talk about. It will help you understand so much and help you with your fathers issues. I agree worrying about comparing him to your Dad. Alanon will help with that. Also try and hit an open AA meeting, that might help your understanding also. I think that your RA would appreciate your help and support, understanding his situation.
I wish you luck in your journey. Its very hard to find true love and it looks like you have taken it slow and it has truly blossomed into just that.
SR is an awesome forum. Keep reading and educating yourself what it is really like loving, living and understanding an A.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, cj, and welcome!
I can tell you that alcoholics CAN have awesome recovery. I married my first husband when he was a year sober, and he just celebrated 35 years of sobriety. We are still good friends--the marriage didn't "feel right" to me, so that's why we divorced. He is a great dad, a great husband to his wife (I stay with them when I go visit my kids, who are now adults).
It sounds as if you are both doing well with your respective recoveries, and taking things slow, so it appears to me that you've done all you can to assure a happy future.
There are no crystal balls, and bad stuff can happen in ANY relationship--none of them come with any guarantees.
Glad you're posting--stick around!
I can tell you that alcoholics CAN have awesome recovery. I married my first husband when he was a year sober, and he just celebrated 35 years of sobriety. We are still good friends--the marriage didn't "feel right" to me, so that's why we divorced. He is a great dad, a great husband to his wife (I stay with them when I go visit my kids, who are now adults).
It sounds as if you are both doing well with your respective recoveries, and taking things slow, so it appears to me that you've done all you can to assure a happy future.
There are no crystal balls, and bad stuff can happen in ANY relationship--none of them come with any guarantees.
Glad you're posting--stick around!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 90
From what you describe, this actually sounds like a fairly healthy relationship with a recovering alcoholic, congratulations! What you posted reminded me that the type of relationship I have / had with the recovering alcoholic in my life has become very unhealthy. I second going to al-anon and learning about and reading about addiction. I wish I would have early on (when he warned me!) and maybe I wouldn't have sucked into the whirlwind of emotions that come from these situations. If you've found love don't be afraid of it! Just remember, other people shouldn't complete your life, they should compliment it. You should be complete all on your own. And welcome! I like it here, lots of support and wisdom.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: WEST CHESTER
Posts: 10
Thanks for this! I've decided to go to an Al-anon meeting this week and soak up all the information I can.
I value my own progress and emotional health more than a romantic relationship.
I value my own progress and emotional health more than a romantic relationship.
Originally Posted by 987g 
From what you describe, this actually sounds like a fairly healthy relationship with a recovering alcoholic, congratulations! What you posted reminded me that the type of relationship I have / had with the recovering alcoholic in my life has become very unhealthy. I second going to al-anon and learning about and reading about addiction. I wish I would have early on (when he warned me!) and maybe I wouldn't have sucked into the whirlwind of emotions that come from these situations. If you've found love don't be afraid of it! Just remember, other people shouldn't complete your life, they should compliment it. You should be complete all on your own. And welcome! I like it here, lots of support and wisdom.
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