Feeling Useless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 136
Feeling Useless
Although sober right now, I'm presently in a cycle of drinking that has lasted for a bit over a month. I have lost a lot of confidence in myself, and fear that I'll never shake this addiction.
After coming into the rooms in early 2014, I embraced the fellowship, and met some lovely people. After the initial hurdle, I was feeling positive about a life without alcohol (I have been a solid drinker for 20+ years), but after three months, began feeling resentful towards a couple of aspects of AA. Eventually I drank (a very long binge), but was back within a week.
Finding some new meetings, as well as my regular weekly one, I got back into it, but again after about three months I built these negative things into my recovery about AA and it's founder, and at four months, started drinking again. Oddly, that first drink in late December (of which I haven't really had a full week off from drinking since) was after a meeting, and even an after-meeting coffee. I'm pretty sure I know what some of the triggers were.
For the past month I have had this sense of being embarrassed by my weakness against alcohol and was reluctant to go to ANY meetings. However the week before last I ended up going every day, as there are plenty around in my city. Alas, I'm feeling this pull towards alcohol, despite hating every aspect of the sensation (the enjoyment went out of it years ago).
So Friday just gone, I got very drunk again, which ended at sunrise Saturday. Feeling desperate I picked up the phone, and some people didn't answer, one went so far as to hang up on me the moment I told him I was drunk, but one AA'er chatted for a while, and another came to sit with me for the day.
I know what I need to - and that's to immerse myself in meetings again. I also need to practice sobriety when I'm not in meetings. By that I mean I need to take other steps, such as read the literature, stay in touch with other members by phone and have a daily meditation practice. I also need to stop willfully abusing my health, because in the months that I was sober, I have been using tobacco and caffeine at dangerous levels that affects my quality of life.
It's been tough to reconcile the 'god' concept, and while I'm trying to keep an open mind, I just can't take on board the supernatural intervention. I'm well aware that atheists & agnostics successfully work the program, but I'm yet me meet one. I took steps a couple of weeks ago to attend a meeting a fair distance fro my home specifically to try and touch base with a guy who I heard speak some time ago, with a more rational approach, and many many years under his belt, but he left the meeting early.
Right now, and for the past few weeks, part of me feels like I'm doomed to be using/abusing alcohol, but with one foot still in the door of the fellowship, it's the one splinter of hope. I'm under no illusions that I can drink 'just a few'. and know in my heart that it's all or nothing - an observation I made before even coming in to AA.
I don't really have any questions in this thread, but am feeling so desperate, it's too late to get to a meeting today (its almost 10pm Sunday might here), and I feel lousy. I have been in bed all day, so my entire weekend has been ruined. All I can do is look at tomorrow as a new day (the first day for the rest of my life .. again
and get my ass to a meeting every day.
After coming into the rooms in early 2014, I embraced the fellowship, and met some lovely people. After the initial hurdle, I was feeling positive about a life without alcohol (I have been a solid drinker for 20+ years), but after three months, began feeling resentful towards a couple of aspects of AA. Eventually I drank (a very long binge), but was back within a week.
Finding some new meetings, as well as my regular weekly one, I got back into it, but again after about three months I built these negative things into my recovery about AA and it's founder, and at four months, started drinking again. Oddly, that first drink in late December (of which I haven't really had a full week off from drinking since) was after a meeting, and even an after-meeting coffee. I'm pretty sure I know what some of the triggers were.
For the past month I have had this sense of being embarrassed by my weakness against alcohol and was reluctant to go to ANY meetings. However the week before last I ended up going every day, as there are plenty around in my city. Alas, I'm feeling this pull towards alcohol, despite hating every aspect of the sensation (the enjoyment went out of it years ago).
So Friday just gone, I got very drunk again, which ended at sunrise Saturday. Feeling desperate I picked up the phone, and some people didn't answer, one went so far as to hang up on me the moment I told him I was drunk, but one AA'er chatted for a while, and another came to sit with me for the day.
I know what I need to - and that's to immerse myself in meetings again. I also need to practice sobriety when I'm not in meetings. By that I mean I need to take other steps, such as read the literature, stay in touch with other members by phone and have a daily meditation practice. I also need to stop willfully abusing my health, because in the months that I was sober, I have been using tobacco and caffeine at dangerous levels that affects my quality of life.
It's been tough to reconcile the 'god' concept, and while I'm trying to keep an open mind, I just can't take on board the supernatural intervention. I'm well aware that atheists & agnostics successfully work the program, but I'm yet me meet one. I took steps a couple of weeks ago to attend a meeting a fair distance fro my home specifically to try and touch base with a guy who I heard speak some time ago, with a more rational approach, and many many years under his belt, but he left the meeting early.
Right now, and for the past few weeks, part of me feels like I'm doomed to be using/abusing alcohol, but with one foot still in the door of the fellowship, it's the one splinter of hope. I'm under no illusions that I can drink 'just a few'. and know in my heart that it's all or nothing - an observation I made before even coming in to AA.
I don't really have any questions in this thread, but am feeling so desperate, it's too late to get to a meeting today (its almost 10pm Sunday might here), and I feel lousy. I have been in bed all day, so my entire weekend has been ruined. All I can do is look at tomorrow as a new day (the first day for the rest of my life .. again
and get my ass to a meeting every day.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Welcome to SR Shamal ,
For me i found some purpose in cheering people on, on this forum . i managed to scrape a few days together and people seemed to think it was something .. so i keep scraping them together and encouraging people to do the same ..
Bestwishes, m
For me i found some purpose in cheering people on, on this forum . i managed to scrape a few days together and people seemed to think it was something .. so i keep scraping them together and encouraging people to do the same ..
Bestwishes, m
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Hi Shamal, and welcome to SR!
Many people get sober with the fellowship and steps of AA. If that's your path to happy sober living then work it for all you've got.
There are other ways, also. If you're interested in discussing some of them there are usually some great threads running in the secular connections forums:
Secular Connections - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
Many people get sober with the fellowship and steps of AA. If that's your path to happy sober living then work it for all you've got.
There are other ways, also. If you're interested in discussing some of them there are usually some great threads running in the secular connections forums:
Secular Connections - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 136
Cheers @mecanixp
Thanks @Nonsensical - I have looked into other recovery options, and actually thought the 'Rational Recovery' concept would be for me, but after reading the book there is a lot that I have dismissed as psuedoscience (for myself - all power to others who make it work for them). As much as I detest a few aspects of AA (mainly the 'g word' and those who speak in nothing but cliches), in my heart I feel that it's AA that will help me to stay sober. I also need to use many of the tools that will help me live a better life, and combine them with my growing interest in eastern theology (which is what really started this journey to get well) As someone who has isolated from the world, and burned every bridge, its the fellowship of people aspect alone, and being able to occasionally talk to other humans, open and honestly, is a part of what has kept me there. Once a week isn't going to cut it (ie the last 7 days there has only been one meeting, and surprise surprise, look where I am, hiding in bed, beating myself up about failing again)
Thanks @Nonsensical - I have looked into other recovery options, and actually thought the 'Rational Recovery' concept would be for me, but after reading the book there is a lot that I have dismissed as psuedoscience (for myself - all power to others who make it work for them). As much as I detest a few aspects of AA (mainly the 'g word' and those who speak in nothing but cliches), in my heart I feel that it's AA that will help me to stay sober. I also need to use many of the tools that will help me live a better life, and combine them with my growing interest in eastern theology (which is what really started this journey to get well) As someone who has isolated from the world, and burned every bridge, its the fellowship of people aspect alone, and being able to occasionally talk to other humans, open and honestly, is a part of what has kept me there. Once a week isn't going to cut it (ie the last 7 days there has only been one meeting, and surprise surprise, look where I am, hiding in bed, beating myself up about failing again)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
I am not an AA expert, but everyone that it worked for had thing in common. They worked the program. Just going and listening is great.
But if you want a sobriety garden to flourish, it's not by watching the neighbours tomatoes grow.
But if you want a sobriety garden to flourish, it's not by watching the neighbours tomatoes grow.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 136
Hi Pat - You're right. As I mentioned, I had not been doing much for my sobriety apart from meetings. I have admitted that to myself and also in shares. I have had a bit of a bad run with two sponsors - started working the steps, and was quite unceremoniously dumped when I voiced that I wasn't sure I could do them (Step 3 particularly). It was not me walking away, but just speaking honestly. Other older sober members also thought that was fairly unexpected and a bit unfair. But I found another guy, who seemed quite disinterested. Wasn't so keen from the outset when he suggested I text him once or twice a week to check in. Now, I'm not against SMS, but am of an age where I feel that talking to people has it's place, rather than a few words sent through on a cellphone. That guy seems to have no interest, despite me having made attempts to stay in touch, so I have considered myself sponsorless for a couple of months now.
I have been incorporating meditation into my days more often lately, and despite my misgivings, have been saying the Serenity Prayer often. Not just speaking the words, but pausing to really consider them. It's helped me stay sober a few times (for that day at least)
I have been incorporating meditation into my days more often lately, and despite my misgivings, have been saying the Serenity Prayer often. Not just speaking the words, but pausing to really consider them. It's helped me stay sober a few times (for that day at least)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Originally Posted by Shamal 
Hi Pat - You're right. As I mentioned, I had not been doing much for my sobriety apart from meetings. I have admitted that to myself and also in shares. I have had a bit of a bad run with two sponsors - started working the steps, and was quite unceremoniously dumped when I voiced that I wasn't sure I could do them (Step 3 particularly). It was not me walking away, but just speaking honestly. Other older sober members also thought that was fairly unexpected and a bit unfair. But I found another guy, who seemed quite disinterested. Wasn't so keen from the outset when he suggested I text him once or twice a week to check in. Now, I'm not against SMS, but am of an age where I feel that talking to people has it's place, rather than a few words sent through on a cellphone. That guy seems to have no interest, despite me having made attempts to stay in touch, so I have considered myself sponsorless for a couple of months now.
I have been incorporating meditation into my days more often lately, and despite my misgivings, have been saying the Serenity Prayer often. Not just speaking the words, but pausing to really consider them. It's helped me stay sober a few times (for that day at least)
I have been incorporating meditation into my days more often lately, and despite my misgivings, have been saying the Serenity Prayer often. Not just speaking the words, but pausing to really consider them. It's helped me stay sober a few times (for that day at least)
Good luck!!! (Btw, I am not in AA. But the program worked for so many, that I believe it is good in it's essence - some guru type people)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 136
Originally Posted by Thepatman
No need to impress a sponsor.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
Welcome to SR, Shamal. You are not doomed to using and abusing.
I have heard people say that they tried AA many times before it clicked. Why not try again and give it all you've got. Many people have said that working the Steps is a cleansing, enlightening and healing process - sounds pretty good.
Gladnyou found SR. It is here for you 24/7/365.
I have heard people say that they tried AA many times before it clicked. Why not try again and give it all you've got. Many people have said that working the Steps is a cleansing, enlightening and healing process - sounds pretty good.
Gladnyou found SR. It is here for you 24/7/365.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,423
Hi and welcome Shamal 
I didn't use any method. I didn't want to die so I quit.
I know that sounds ridiously simple...and it was simple...never easy tho at the beginning.
From my perspective I think whatever methods you choose, the bottom line is we have to commit to not drinking. The various methods are just ways and means to make that stick.
You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here
D
I didn't use any method. I didn't want to die so I quit.
I know that sounds ridiously simple...and it was simple...never easy tho at the beginning.
From my perspective I think whatever methods you choose, the bottom line is we have to commit to not drinking. The various methods are just ways and means to make that stick.
You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 136
Hi Dee and Leigh - regardless of my opinion around some of the way it all works, it's AA for me. The way I see it, when I go to meetings and stay engaged with the idea of a sober life (through the shares of others, my own shares, getting out of the house for meetings), then I have a better chance of sobriety. Whether that will be my strategy for the rest of my life, I cannot say. But for the forseeable future, I need to get back into meetings, and will be kicking off again this evening.
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