kfa2004

Hello to all. I am new and really don't know what to do. I am hoping for help by joining the forum.
About this time last year I had to ask my husband of 24 years to leave our home. He had been drinking with friends and began cusing and threatening me. He broke several of the rails off of our front porch. He scared our daughter badly, she was a witness to his tantrum. This was not the first time it had happened. It is something we have been dealing with for about 20 of the 24 years at various levels. In the last 3 years it had gotten much worse. He has a drinking problem that was getting worse and is an angry drunk. He tended to hit things and people as well as say things that were terribly hurtful. I really only wanted him to realize what he was doing to himself and our family (we have two kids, 15 and 13). I still love him very much. Anyway he does not believe he has a problem. Everything is my problem. To make it worse he has began having an affair with his best friends wife. The person I knew would have never done something like that but he is no longer the person I knew.
To make a long story short I need to know how to let go. I still love him very much but I can't let him continue to rule my life. I need to get past this so that I can begin my own recovery.
I'm sorry I know I am rambling and I will quit now. Thank yo for listening.

CrazyRed

I will pray for you and your fam.
Can you get to an Al-Anon meeting tonight?

kfa2004

I am trying to find one in our area. I live in a real small town.

Yreva

I am praying for you also. That is so hard! Letting go is also hard--I haven't mastered it yet....
Maybe just start by letting go of the little things...detach from the mean words said in a past arguement, or detach from some of the little ways he still has a hold on you. It isn't going to happen overnight- he had 24 years to do all of this- it will take time for you to get over all of this and let go or move on. Keep trying - you ARE worth it!
I am so sorry alcohol has ruined things in your life, and in all of our lives! It stinks! Try to get to an al anon meeting, or maybe if you can a good counselor would help.
Hugs-

Magichappens

Hi kfa,
I just posted the site for Al-Anon on your other reply. Here it is again. Glad you joined us. Make yourself at home. Don't miss the powerposts at the top of the forum. Hugs, Magic
http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/

kfa2004

Thank you for your support. There are days (the last couple being in the count) that I really don't know if I am strong enough to get through this. Mostly I get through the days for my kids. I can't believe that after everything he has done that I still love him as much as I do.

redrose0729

unfortunately love is not something we can turn on and off like a switch. I will pray for you and your family. keep coming and posting it helps. you are not alone

Karivan

((((kfa2004)))) We're here for you.

Bambi

I wanted to let you know that your not alone, and I think we both could use a shoulder to cry on. I asked my husband to leave also a little over a week ago. He came home from work drunk again, and he was driving my truck.

When he left he took his car and continued drinking. I was up all night crying. Then I get a call at 7:00am telling me that my husband had been in a bad accident. Right off the bat I of course thought he was dead. He hit a car, parked on the side of the road, doing 50MPH in a Geo Storm. He had bad bruising, and very sore but nothing serious!! He had an angel on his shoulder for sure.

So he got a DUI of course. All the hard work of clearing his last ones off the record and having good insurance with no SR-22. Now we are back at square one again.

I keep saying "we", but we are not living together now. He called last night and is begging to come home. I love my husband, like you love yours, it is so hard to know when to let go. I am not very strong now, and I am afraid I will make a bad decision. So I really do understand how your feeling, when I read your post (I am new here also) it could have been something I wrote myself.

Hugs to you, hang in there, you are not alone!

Marcinor

Hi KFA!

I understand how you feel. It always amazes me how much I love the man and hate what he does to himself. I have to constantly remind myself that even though I miss him I am stronger, calmer and safer without him here. He is not dealing with either his addiction to alcohol or to sex and I made the decision that I didn't want that choas and pain in my life anymore. Of course I must change my mind 50 times a day and wish I could call him, fix him and make it all better, but I know better because I've been down that path before.
He isn't really the person I want in my life and yet.. he is. Al anon helps so much because it teaches you little things you can do for yourself. Everyday as I'm learning a little more it becomes a little less about him and a little more about me. I've learned not to let my anxiety about the situation run my life. I've learn that if I don't know what to do in a situation that a perfectly good choice is to do nothing until I feel I can make a good decision based on good intentions.
I've learned just how much I really like to control situations and how to talk myself out of continuing what I see as bad behavior for myself. The more I focus on my behavior and doing the right thing the less time I have to worry about him and what he is doing. Letting go takes time, but you can start by taking care of yourself, going to meetings and reading the posts here.

Someone posted this link before but it has really helped me get through some of the bad days http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm I hope you find it helpful too.

Lots of love and welcome!

Marci

kfa2004

I want to thank all of you for your support. I have found a meeting in my area. They are only on Tuesday evenings so I will have to wait a few more days.

Magichappens

Good for you! Let us know how it goes. Til then, you have us. Hugs, Magic

PS is that not the cutest bunny?

kfa2004

Your right Magic, that is a really cute bunny. Thank you for the smile.
Kat