SAVVY412

Me-29 yr
wife-28 yr

Ok so im up at 2 30 am typing this because I cannot sleep. Once again my wife had a bad night out at the bar and left me completely embarrassed. I dont know if I should start with what happened or how I even got here.

My wife is the sweetest girl I could ever ask for. She was a High-school sweetheart I re-connected with 15 years later. She is such a awesome person, she runs her own Non profit animal rescue out of the goodness of her heart. But she also suffers from depression and bi polar 2 ( the not as serious one) but when she drinks, I have to buckle in my seatbelt and get ready for the ride.

Now I , am not a drinker. I will drink with her a little so im not just the looser at the bar bored out of my mind,but I played around with drugs earlier in life but I just dont like drinking. It makes me feel woozy and sick. But my wife loves alcohol. Before I met her, alcohol was never a topic in my life. No one in my family drinks. My friends werent big drinkers, it just wasnt a thing. But now its, drinking,drinking,drinking. And if were "not drinking" we are "not drinking:" if you know what i mean. But it is just episode after episode. Not 100 percent of the time. But if im not there ..like tonight..100 percent of the time she gets sloopy insane drunk (I came later)

Just to give you one story to give you a idea of what im talking about. I was shooting a music video at the hard rock cafe.. so she came with me and went to this college bar to get a few drinks while waiting for me. As i walk into the bar, she is in the middle of a crowd of guys talking ( she is naive and just likes to talk and doesnt understand she looks like she is like..you know,, single. SO anyways the whole way home we fight and fight. I drop her off at at the house but got a bad feeling so I come back. (SHE WALKED INTO OUR NEIGHBORS HOUSE) i was Horrified and had to go in their house at 3am!! and they have a kid. She wouldnt leave. On top of that, she was accusing the guy of beating his wife!!! (we hear them fight a lot) I have never been so embarrassed in my life, I had to pick her up like a baby and carry her into the house. And from then she had a mental breakdown. She struggles with just not being good enough, her family , you know, the usual things people who are depressed go threw. She hasnt really been working for the past year ( nothing steady) except a part time job at a brewery)

Ok so what I struggle with it, when she sobers up, its always, your right , your right, this is bad, I need to stop, I need to get help.( she does go to therapy) But when shes drunk its, IM NO FUN, I ACT LIKE IM 70 YEARS OLD, WERE ONLY YOUNG ONCE. and some of the stuff I mean, I know sometimes i can be a "party pooper" and shes always like, I KNOW I KNOW, im always wrong, im always wrong bla bla. And I get her frustration because everytime she drinks it turns into, her getting in trouble but she doesnt see its her. (until the next day)

But binge drinkers seem tricky because she doesnt drink that much. SO going to AA..its just not going to help her. AA isnt for everyone and I just know it will do nothing. And her arguments are

1.I'm just so bored
2. I never really drink, so what that here and there I get a little crazy
3. If we had kids, I wouldnt have to drink. (would keep her busy)

But i'm about a year away from kids and a house so I just cant do that right now. So I just dont know what to dooooooooooooooooo. People in their 20s-30s drink. They go to bars, its just what they do. And I hateeeeeeeeeeee that this relationship turned into im the parent. My ex I was kind of the parent, and one of my turn ons with her early on was she put me in my place at times. I HATE being the parent, its so unattractive.

We tried the "finding other things to do" When shes with me its fine (most of the time), its just when she goes out with friends(which is rare) she gets too drunk so if I bring it up it looks like im controlling her, or I dont want her to see her friends. What she doesn't get is, her friends wake up and go to work, my wife has a 3 day hangover where she sleeps 22 hours of the day in a depression state.

So im just at a loss for what to do. Shes gonna wake up, and its going to be the same thing as always, your right, I was wrong, bla bla bla. It seems impractical for a young 28 year old to "not drink" thats where I struggle.

And I actually dont even feel like typing the story any more. If you are curious ill tell it but basically, we ran into a old friend. Who I think she thought was hot *she wont admit it* ( he use to be skinny) now hes all big and "grown up" and it looked like she was flirting with him so the girls he was with said something (not knowing her husband was there and she was just talking to him) and started to flip out and they almost got in a fight and I had to pull her out the bar before they fought. So embarrassing.

yesterday she is bitching that she wants kids, and a house, the next day shes in a bar fighting with some ghetto girls over some stupid drunken bull And not to mention, now everyone is going to think its over this kid. Like it doesn't matter that she wasn't really trying to get with him,everyone is going to think that (yes..who cares) but im a man. Its a pride thing..fellas..you know what I mean. But when I tried to bring it up tonight , it was OMG HERE WE GO AGAIN, IM WRONGGG, EVERYTHING I DO IS WRONG..I CANT EVEN TALK TO A GUY. GOD FORBID I TALK TO A GUY. So I just dropped it.

Santa

Whatever you do, don't bring a baby into this situation.

Welcome to SR. Read as much as you can here.

suki44883

Welcome to SR. Glad you found us, but sorry for what brings you here. There is a lot of support here, so do some reading around the forum and pay special attention to the "sticky" posts at the very top. There is a lot of valuable information there.

It sounds to me like your wife has a problem with alcohol, which is not good, but combined with bi-polar issues, makes it a bit harder to deal with. Pardon my saying so, but the very last thing she needs is an infant to take care of. That would be a disaster at this point in time for everyone concerned, especially the baby.

I hope you'll stick around and draw from the support you will find here. We understand what you are going through and we're a very supportive group of people.

NWGRITS

Absolutely DO NOT bring a child into this world with her. PLEASE. A baby will NOT make this better, and that poor child would have a hell of a life in an alcoholic home. You chose to marry your wife knowing she had an alcohol problem, but children don't get to choose who they're born to. They don't ask for that life, and that life is miserable. If you want to see what happens to children raised in alcoholic homes, come visit us in the Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents forum. We even have our own support group (Adult Children of Alcoholics- my meeting is every Thursday at 7).

Anyway, so your wife has a problem and you've known this. What you may not know is that alcoholism is progressive and if left untreated it WILL get worse. You may also not know that you can't do a thing to make her stop. She has to want that for herself more than anything in this world. It doesn't sound like she wants it, or is anywhere close to wanting it. So what about you? What do YOU want? Is this the kind of life you want to live until you're old and gray? Because this is the best it'll ever be unless she decides to quit drinking and maintains long-term sobriety. Only YOU can decide for YOURSELF what you will and won't accept. Once you figure that out, then you can step out and start taking action (or not). Are you attending Al-Anon or Celebrate Recovery?

Katiekate

It's not about being wrong, it's about being an alcoholic.

She is trying to shift the blame for what is going on to you , and take the heat off of her.

My ex is a binge drinker, he drinks daily , but what he often does is start drinking one night and drink for a couple of weeks. It's disgusting, this got worse and worse as time went on. More episodes of binging followed by several days of recovery and remorse followed by more episodes. He was a sweet guy too, when he was sober, we had a lot in common, did a lot together and always had a good time, when he was sober.

Your wife surely needs help, it's up to her to find it, it's up to you to find help for yourself, sooner the better, because the pain you are in now is nothing compared to the pain you will be in in say 5 years, when you have built a life, bought a house, had a couple of kids, a dog, when you give her everything she says she needs not to be a drunk and it's still not enough, and the whole damn thing falls apart.

Oh, and don't bother talking to her when she is drinking, waste of time. I wish what I had done in the beginning of my relationship after the first binge , which blind sided me , by the way, was to tell him that either you get help or I am done, and then stuck by that decision because those five years of hell were horrible, I'm just glad they are over.

This doesn't get better for her until she gets help for it, you need help too, you sound like a nice and caring man, stay that way, it took me a long time to get back to the nice woman that I was after I got rid of the ex alcoholic . Take back your life. Keep posting,
Katie

redatlanta

Couple things…

Thanks for finding us and posting there is a wealth of information here for what you are going through, and a lot of support.

Classifying Bi Polar II as "the not so bad one" is an incorrect description. Aside from educating yourself about alcoholism, you need to really need to educate yourself about your wife's mental illness. Bi Polar II is as equally as difficult as BP I, and sometimes worse. Depression is a part of Bi Polar, to be diagnosed with Depression and Bi Polar is near unheard of. Is your wife being treated for Bi Polar and medicated? Does she regularly see a psychiatrist? Do you feel that her Bi Polar is well controlled?

I ask because its very common when you find alcoholism and addiction to find an underlying mental illness that is not being treated. In your case it has been diagnosed - if its not being treated properly it will most likely need to be before the issues of the binge drinking will be addressed. Self Medication is common amongst the mentally ill. Alcohol does NOT bode well with meds used for treating Bi Polar and the serotonin depletion after a binge is resulting in what you describe as a 3 day hangover.

Now then, here is another layer - she might be on the proper regimen and continues to binge drink anyway. Could come at a time when she has rapid cycled into a mania, or it just could be for no reason at all other than this is what she does.

As mentioned already alcoholism is progressive. Your post is a little confusing as to how often this is happening. You state in the beginning its "drinking drinking drinking" and "my wife loves alcohol" Then later you say "she doesnt drink that much". Can you clarify how often this is happening? You have some big red flags and some indicators that this could morph into something much more serious.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. SR is a great place to be. BTW I am married to a recovering alcoholic with Bi-Polar II, and I feel your pain.

schnappi99

If she's on xanax or similar then it is interacting with the alcohol, amplifying its effects- literally- it can cause 1 beer to act like 3 or more. A friend of mine had been diagnosed with bipolar and was under a drug regime which wasn't working well, but he had not told the doc of his drinking problem. Eventually he hit bottom; for him it was a several days blackout which included driving to the liquor store multiple times and consuming most of his xanax perscription in combination. He checked himself into a rehab and spent several days in the hospital due to heart issues during detox. He might have had a couple more episodes like that before it killed him but not many. But, he got the message and did AA and over this last summer he got his 1yr chip.

So please consider the possibility that her prescription and the booze are interacting, and that there is no mental illness that alcohol can't make worse. If there is an underlying mental condition there is no addressing it properly until she's not drinking.

But as others have said you can't make her stop drinking. What you can do is work on yourself. My RAW has been dry since Feb 2014, I've been attending alanon and working on my program- it turns out I've been emotionally dependent on her (and others) since I was a kid- in many ways I'm like an alcoholic but my relationships are where my addiction shows up. A lot of the trouble which developed between my wife and I was due to my own ignorance of myself and how I treated her.

CodeJob

Welcome Savvy!

I wonder if she would allow you to attend a discussion with her therapist? It could be arranged to discuss the impact of drinking with the meds she is on and the behavior you are seeing? I think this suggestion would show you care for her and want to learn and be involved. But I suspect she will want to back pedal it. You are going to likely have to be quite firm. This is the discussion you have when she is sober. Maybe get the agreement in writing with a time deadline for appt to be set and go in a certain time frame? Stick it right on the fridge like a matter of fact dentist appt. I'd also ask the therapist about you two starting a family...

If she likes to be out and about, is she going to want to settle down at home and be a mom? When we had a kid, we never went anywhere. Lucky for my H, he likes drinking alone... Things get worse. Whether at home or at the bar.

Mountainmanbob

I would tell her straight out
at this time due to her condition
having children is out.

You don't seem to think that AA will help
it has helped many to sober up
and to stay sober.

It's called by many
a spiritual disease
many have also sobered up in church.

For now best take care of yourself
you need strong tools available
so as to be able to deal with the situation.

MM

Sotiredofitall

You may not feel that AA is good or a good fit for her, but have you thought of Al-anon for YOU?? You need to understand and find some coping skills. From just the sounds of what you have revealed here you both have an alcohol *problem* Hers is the binge drinking and yours is *her* binge drinking. That said, I agree that adding medications to the mix is not only dangerous but can be downright deadly. Hoping you find a sense of peace in your heart as you go through this process. Its not a fun ride.

mfanch

Oh man. I TOTALLY RELATE. I WAS your binge-drinking wife. I did exactly those things. AA wasn't for me because "I wasn't like them". HA
(when I finally went to AA, their literature described me exactly)

So I went on binge drinking for another 20 years. Yes. 20. I was seemingly "fine" when I was not drinking, but once I commenced to drinking, WATCH OUT. My poor husband stood by helplessly as I slowly self-destructed. My drinking eventually got worse; I started getting into drugs (narcotics stolen from my anesthesia job), and then the affairs (I ALWAYS flirted when drinking....then it became liaisons...). I complained that I was bored, understimulated, childless. THEN we had kids...2 of them. I was sober for the pregnancy and newborn periods, but that is about it. I ALWAYS returned to drinking (not every day, mind you...just the binge sessions).

Here is the thing. It is NOT about when a person drinks. It is about the inability to NOT DO IT and the effect it has on the person. After a period of abstinence (a week or month or...), I NEEDED to release the pressure. I also have mental health issues and it is common for us to self-medicate, whatever our method.

I finally had enough and went to AA. I am a non-theist so it was the "god thing" not the "well, I'm only a sometimes binge drinker" that kept me out for so long. My life is amazing today. *I* had to be done with drinking and be ready to accept help. My husband tried to "get" me to stop drinking for years. Never worked.

1. I suggest Al-Anon. YOU need a plan for yourself.
2. Do NOT have children right now.
3. SHE has to get to the place where she is done and she wants to really DO something about her drinking.

Most folks underestimate addiction. It is PROGRESSIVE AND FATAL if left untreated.

Glad you are here. Hang around here in SR. Take a look at the friends and family stickies.
Thank you for sharing your story. It really hit home.

dandylion

SAVVY....there is a lot that you can do. And, you do need to do something...because this is not going to change until something changes. What you can change is YOU...because you have no control over her. But, you sure can place boundaries that will protect you from being swallowed u p in this.

First...EDUCATE yourself. There is so much to learn, and knowledge is power. I would say to start with the "classic readings" in the sticky section at the top of the main page of this forum. It is like a crash course in alcoholism and co-dependency.

Second...get yourself to an alanon meeting asap....even if you don't like the "idea" of it. You can benefit by being with others who have walked in your shoes.

Third...stop enabling her. I am sure that y ou don't intend to enable...but, we usually get sucked into it without realizing that is what we are doing. (You will come to l earn more about this).

Do not allow yourself to be victimized by her disease.
Be neither her rescuer nor accept the "victim" role in this.

This is tough stuff, for sure. I understand how scared and helpless you might feel.

I am glad that you came here....that was a really good step....

dandylion

LexieCat

Hi, Savvy,

Glad you found us. I'm sorry for your situation. You're getting some excellent feedback here, and not a lot I would add.

Except this. 28-year-olds do NOT "have" to drink. My first husband was as insane as any alcoholic you could read about in the Big Book (AA's main text--the full title is "Alcoholics Anonymous," and worth reading if you want to understand alcoholism), and he got sober at age 21. He has been continuously sober in AA for the past 35 years. He's had a fantastic life, and if he'd kept going as he was, he probably would not have seen age 30. I'm a sober alcoholic, too (six years), and we have lots of young men and women in their 20s at our meetings. They have fun like anyone else, though it tends not to be in bars/clubs.

Hope you will stick around here, and I second (or third or whatever) the suggestion of Al-Anon. It was a lifeline for me, especially in my second marriage (you guessed it--another alcoholic).

maia1234

Hi Savvy,
Welcome!! Not much to say but keep coming back and asking questions. The men and women on this forum are amazing!! Things will calm down if you start looking at yourself and getting some help for you!!
((((((((hugs)))))))))))

lonelyman

oh boy buddy do I ever know your pain,,first off do not have children with this woman..she won't change.My AW says all the same things you wife says and after a child no change and that was 14 yrs ago.Only change is you would have brought a child into all this mess.My advice is RUN as fast as you can from this woman.I have done 18 horrible years with having to clean up her messes everyday and hear how much she hates me.I work 2 jobs to support the family because see refuses to help in anyway while she drinks up all her money.I've got 4 more years of this then she gets half my retirement and half my home which I owned before I ever knew her.Worst part though I have wasted too many years of my life. Run

cookiesncream

Much good advice has already been given. The one thing I would add is that I think the word "alcoholic" has a huge stigma attached to it which sometimes prevents those who really need help (both sides of the fence) from getting help. When I went through outpatient rehab about a year ago I encountered a number of other folks that rarely drank but when they did they were like your wife, binge drinkers and everytime they binge drank it affected their lives and those around them. That qualifies if nothing else as problem drinking. Even if its only a few times a year but it results in legal problems, relationship problems, etc its a problem. Your wife is darned lucky you went and hauled her out of the neighbors house because if you hadn't your neighbors had every right to call the police. I very fortunately did not have any encounters with the law but I have met plenty that have and that is a very nasty situation. Sadly legal issues are also the thing that got a number of folks I've met to see the light. That said educate yourself, figure out your own personal boundaries, would not have children or buy houses with her for the foreseeable future. Like others have said already I'd be very inclined to go the path of tough love. It'll be hard for you but the sooner she sees the consequences of her drinking the better. Tell her in advance if she gets drunk she'll need to find her own ride home, etc, etc. Either she starts to see the consequences and opts to change or she doesn't and continues regardless of the consequences. If #2 happens then spend some time reading this forum and consider your future very carefully.

Peace,

Cookies

Soberintexas007

This is just the thing about alcoholism - many people like your wife when sober are great, wonderful people (your wife likes to do the nonprofit). But all of that goes out the window when that sober, wonderful person begins drinking - as you know from your wife, the mayhem ensues.

It does not sound like your wife is ready to quit, and you seem to rationalize and justify this behavior by stating that everyone in their 20's and 30's drinks. That may be true, but someone in their 20's or 30's who has a problem with alcohol should not be drinking, not matter how young they are.

In my opinion, this relationship does not have a good prognosis b/c it seems your wife is too far away from quitting.

I have 90 days sober, but my husband is also unwilling to quit drinking. We do not go to bars and he does not go to them alone, and so his drinking has greatly reduced, which is probably the reason we are still able to be together. But I will not choose to stay in in this relationship if his drinking escalates and he becomes unbearable.

You stated that her drinking is more bearable and under control when you are with her, and that you can tolerate that. But you said that when you are not is when she becomes loopy and too drunk. This is also the same with my husband and me, but he is usually always with me, so I don't really experience those other times you have with your wife when you are not around. My husband is willing and usually wants to be around me, but it seems that your wife likes to go out alone at times with her friends, which could then present a problem.

NWGRITS

Cookiesncream brings up a good point. There's this idea that alcoholics are bums living under bridges and drinking out of brown paper bags. While some alcoholics have drank themselves to the point of fitting this stereotype, most alcoholics are just regular people. Most of the time you wouldn't even know unless you got a private look into their home lives (though I can spot a long-term drinker from a mile away. It does things to the body that you'll learn to recognize eventually). Alcoholics are lawyers, doctors, accountants, school teachers, daycare providers, successful business professionals, stay-at-home moms, ministers, athletes, movie stars, teenagers, and everything in between. There is no discrimination when it comes to the perils of this disease. None.

Itsbreakingme

I am currently in the exact same situation except that we have a five year old!! Night's like these break my heart. She doesn't see the effect she has. I feel sad. I feel bad that it has become the responsibility of her friends to get her home. I fear the day that the friends who always make sure she gets home safe aren't there. She's been in a blacked out situation before with no recollection of what happened but she woke up on a friends kitchen floor with her shoes and pants off. I surely thought that would deter her from drinking or at least make her a more responsible drinker but that hasn't happened. No black outs since but still. It's been two years since you posted this. I really hope that both of you got help and changed for the better.

viola71

My experience has been that binge drinking is a stage and if you didn't "grow" out of it by 24-25 then they aren't going to and its just stage 1. I agree with everyone, if you think you're frustrated now owning a home and having a baby will only complicate things and you won't have a true partner. I wish 20 years ago I knew then what I know now.