Handling the first few months sober
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Handling the first few months sober
hello, I am now 11 weeks sober for my first time after almost 30 years drinking. I am married with one young child. I am seeing the world quite differently than I did when I was drinking now that the alcoholic fog has lifted and things are immeasurably better than they were 11 weeks ago. There is one area I am struggling with though and I would be interested in people's opinion on this one.
When I was drinking I was never physically abusive or difficult, rarely verbally abusive and financially generous. Generally, I drank when my wife went to bed or I was out drinking alone or with friends and I always gave the house allowance as we agreed, paid for hols, rent etc. I was and always be an alcoholic though and I was not around quite a lot. So when I got back home I would feel guilty about my drinking and absence. My wife would have the day/week planned out and I would roll with it as I felt I needed to make amends. She would sometimes be pissed and freak out and call me every name imaginable (she has always had a terrible temper, not just with me). I reckoned that I kind of deserved it due to my drinking so I just absorbed it and rolled along until I would drink again or go to work again.
Now that I am almost 3 months sober I have realised how bad her temper actually is and how inappropriately she speaks to me and I am really unhappy about it. I tried to bring up the topic twice in the last week and both times results in total temper tantrums from her. I know many of you will think....ha, the guy is 11 weeks dry and thinks he can pretend that the past never happened....its not that, I simply don't think its right that my wife would scream and yell abuse especially in public places. I would probably have shrugged it off when I was drinking but I can't now. An example of a conversation this morning in a coffee shop would probably give an idea of what I am talking about:
wife: what are you planing to do today?
me: not much, thought we could hang out and then go for dinner together later
wife: I have booked xxx restaurant for 6pm, will that be ok with you?
me: eh, yeah (thinking that it would have nice if she booked it after asking me rather than before)
wife: what do you want to do beforehand?
me: just hang out, take it easy, its been a long week for both of us
wife: I was thinking of going to the park in an hour, want to come?
me: sure, that sounds nice
wife: ok, we are meeting my aunties there and her friends
me: you mean you have already arranged it? I don't want to spend the afternoon with your auntie, just with you and my son
wife: you never do what i want to do, you are a f**ing xxxxxxxxxxxx
me: I am not going to the park if it means spending the afternoon talking with your auntie and her friends, I want to chill out with you and my son
wife: I have also invited them to dinner at 6pm
me: what? you have just totally manipulated me into doing exactly what you had already planned, thats unreasonable. You just go to the park with her and I will go for lunch and we can meet in the house later.
I get get up to go. She starts shouting/swearing picks up my phone and throws it against the wall. I see it hit the wall and walk off.
In my drinking days I would have just gone to the park, smiled to her auntie, did what I was told. Then brought them all to dinner where I would pay (I always pay) and then gone drinking with my friends later.
I think that I am taking control of my life back now in many areas. I had already agreed to go to the park with her and would have gone to dinner also but I don't like that she had already preplanned everything and expected me to go along with it. Then pay for everyone to eat. Also I have a massive problem with her temper tantrum and language.
So, the questions is, given I am only sober 11 weeks, am I being unreasonable? any suggestions on how to address this?
When I was drinking I was never physically abusive or difficult, rarely verbally abusive and financially generous. Generally, I drank when my wife went to bed or I was out drinking alone or with friends and I always gave the house allowance as we agreed, paid for hols, rent etc. I was and always be an alcoholic though and I was not around quite a lot. So when I got back home I would feel guilty about my drinking and absence. My wife would have the day/week planned out and I would roll with it as I felt I needed to make amends. She would sometimes be pissed and freak out and call me every name imaginable (she has always had a terrible temper, not just with me). I reckoned that I kind of deserved it due to my drinking so I just absorbed it and rolled along until I would drink again or go to work again.
Now that I am almost 3 months sober I have realised how bad her temper actually is and how inappropriately she speaks to me and I am really unhappy about it. I tried to bring up the topic twice in the last week and both times results in total temper tantrums from her. I know many of you will think....ha, the guy is 11 weeks dry and thinks he can pretend that the past never happened....its not that, I simply don't think its right that my wife would scream and yell abuse especially in public places. I would probably have shrugged it off when I was drinking but I can't now. An example of a conversation this morning in a coffee shop would probably give an idea of what I am talking about:
wife: what are you planing to do today?
me: not much, thought we could hang out and then go for dinner together later
wife: I have booked xxx restaurant for 6pm, will that be ok with you?
me: eh, yeah (thinking that it would have nice if she booked it after asking me rather than before)
wife: what do you want to do beforehand?
me: just hang out, take it easy, its been a long week for both of us
wife: I was thinking of going to the park in an hour, want to come?
me: sure, that sounds nice
wife: ok, we are meeting my aunties there and her friends
me: you mean you have already arranged it? I don't want to spend the afternoon with your auntie, just with you and my son
wife: you never do what i want to do, you are a f**ing xxxxxxxxxxxx
me: I am not going to the park if it means spending the afternoon talking with your auntie and her friends, I want to chill out with you and my son
wife: I have also invited them to dinner at 6pm
me: what? you have just totally manipulated me into doing exactly what you had already planned, thats unreasonable. You just go to the park with her and I will go for lunch and we can meet in the house later.
I get get up to go. She starts shouting/swearing picks up my phone and throws it against the wall. I see it hit the wall and walk off.
In my drinking days I would have just gone to the park, smiled to her auntie, did what I was told. Then brought them all to dinner where I would pay (I always pay) and then gone drinking with my friends later.
I think that I am taking control of my life back now in many areas. I had already agreed to go to the park with her and would have gone to dinner also but I don't like that she had already preplanned everything and expected me to go along with it. Then pay for everyone to eat. Also I have a massive problem with her temper tantrum and language.
So, the questions is, given I am only sober 11 weeks, am I being unreasonable? any suggestions on how to address this?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
That IS unacceptable behavior and you have the right to not accept it and set boundaries with her. Use your assertive communication and I statements. "When I found out your aunties were coming along with us I felt disappointed". Notice there is no "you" in there. Only you can decide your boundary with this stuff.
HOWEVER she is going to he angry at you now. It's impossible not to be. Now that the maelstrom of alcohol is behind you and it is "safe" for her to feel her feelings about it, she will. And she will be angry. Myself, I feel so much rage at RAH who has 5 months sober that I want to physically harm him (never have though). I know I have said some not nice things to him in fits of rage. This time is going to he Rocky for you. There is just no way around it.
HOWEVER she is going to he angry at you now. It's impossible not to be. Now that the maelstrom of alcohol is behind you and it is "safe" for her to feel her feelings about it, she will. And she will be angry. Myself, I feel so much rage at RAH who has 5 months sober that I want to physically harm him (never have though). I know I have said some not nice things to him in fits of rage. This time is going to he Rocky for you. There is just no way around it.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
No WAY!!
This is not about your alcoholism at this point- she has NO right to treat another human being like that!
No way!!
I understand there might be a lot of anger flowing through her right now, but never under any circumstances is that ok. In my opinion that is verbal/ emotional abuse. She humiliated you in PUBLIC, called you names, and you are right- she did manipulate you.
That was a real sh!tty thing of her to do to you.
Yep you are absolutely right 11 weeks ain't nothing in the world of sobriety, you have a long road ahead of you and a lot of hurts to try to heal. But I simply will never take the side of a non-A who is abusive. They are both equally as destructive.
Of course this is just my two cents.
You are welcome here in the friends and family forum. We get alcoholics in here and a lot of the old timers are as well.
Please check back tomorrow too, most of the "good" advice comes in the morning!! --No offense to anyone who posts at night ---it's just that there is fewer of us
Sorry you had to go through that at the coffee shop. That just sucks!!
This is not about your alcoholism at this point- she has NO right to treat another human being like that!
No way!!
I understand there might be a lot of anger flowing through her right now, but never under any circumstances is that ok. In my opinion that is verbal/ emotional abuse. She humiliated you in PUBLIC, called you names, and you are right- she did manipulate you.
That was a real sh!tty thing of her to do to you.
Yep you are absolutely right 11 weeks ain't nothing in the world of sobriety, you have a long road ahead of you and a lot of hurts to try to heal. But I simply will never take the side of a non-A who is abusive. They are both equally as destructive.
Of course this is just my two cents.
You are welcome here in the friends and family forum. We get alcoholics in here and a lot of the old timers are as well.
Please check back tomorrow too, most of the "good" advice comes in the morning!! --No offense to anyone who posts at night ---it's just that there is fewer of us
Sorry you had to go through that at the coffee shop. That just sucks!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
When I quit she spent most of the first month telling me that I was not an alcoholic. I guess she didn't realise how bad the problem was. Then after a month or so she was sweet saying things like you are much better now that you don't drink etc. I guess that life with me sober around the house will take some getting used to for everyone. Thanks for you replies - I guess I didn't handle it well by walking away but when we argue in these past weeks it just seems to escalate not resolve and I didn't want a screaming match in front of my son. Will wait for a quiet moment and approach the subject again.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Ubn, I am also a recovering alcoholic. Congrats on your 11 weeks. That is awesome. I don't have advice just some observations. You say your wife has always been this way but the rage ad verbal assaults are new? It's not surprising. You made a huge change to the dynamics of your relationship and she doesn't know how to handle it. You are no longer drunkenly going along with her plans and she is confused and angry. But, she has no right to treat you that way. None. It was smart of you to walk away and let the situation defuse.
You two have a lot of communication work to do. And you need to do it together. But, verbal abuse is never ok and should never be allowed. You may owe her an amends for your alcoholism but that doesn't mean you must pay a penance by accepting verbal assaults or other abuse. No one deserves that ever!
Be strong, stay sober, it can and will get better
You two have a lot of communication work to do. And you need to do it together. But, verbal abuse is never ok and should never be allowed. You may owe her an amends for your alcoholism but that doesn't mean you must pay a penance by accepting verbal assaults or other abuse. No one deserves that ever!
Be strong, stay sober, it can and will get better
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
If in the past you were always compliant, and she bought the right to do whatever she wanted to do with your shame, now things are different, and yes, she's going to react to that.
I agree with happybeingme and the others who said that the two of you setting new communications rules is going to be part of the process of your sobriety. It might be helpful to have a therapist involved who can mediate.
I also agree that her response was way excessive, unfair and manipulative.
Congratulations on your 11 weeks!
I agree with happybeingme and the others who said that the two of you setting new communications rules is going to be part of the process of your sobriety. It might be helpful to have a therapist involved who can mediate.
I also agree that her response was way excessive, unfair and manipulative.
Congratulations on your 11 weeks!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
I second Happy's note.
Can you two go to counseling together?
http://www.azgrowth.com/4Horsemen.pdf
My RAH and I spent a long time behaving with poor communication while he drank for years. We are still struggling with communication and he's 21 mo sober.
Can you two go to counseling together?
http://www.azgrowth.com/4Horsemen.pdf
My RAH and I spent a long time behaving with poor communication while he drank for years. We are still struggling with communication and he's 21 mo sober.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Your whole post gives me a bad feeling. A terrible temper can have a deadening effect on a relationship because people become scared to step out of line, tensions escalate and things are said that can never be taken back. What's your take on how your son is handling this? Is her temper ever directed at him?
You handled the altercation well, in that once a tantrum starts there's no point in engaging. If your wife knows you won't give in and won't engage when she loses her temper, she may make an effort to moderate. I really think counselling is a must, together and possibly apart as well. You could also read up on assertiveness, anger management and dealing with difficult people. There's good information out there if you look.
There's a lot of anger washing around your place at the moment and it can't be good for anyone.
You handled the altercation well, in that once a tantrum starts there's no point in engaging. If your wife knows you won't give in and won't engage when she loses her temper, she may make an effort to moderate. I really think counselling is a must, together and possibly apart as well. You could also read up on assertiveness, anger management and dealing with difficult people. There's good information out there if you look.
There's a lot of anger washing around your place at the moment and it can't be good for anyone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
Your whole post gives me a bad feeling. A terrible temper can have a deadening effect on a relationship because people become scared to step out of line, tensions escalate and things are said that can never be taken back. What's your take on how your son is handling this? Is her temper ever directed at him?
You handled the altercation well, in that once a tantrum starts there's no point in engaging. If your wife knows you won't give in and won't engage when she loses her temper, she may make an effort to moderate. I really think counselling is a must, together and possibly apart as well. You could also read up on assertiveness, anger management and dealing with difficult people. There's good information out there if you look.
There's a lot of anger washing around your place at the moment and it can't be good for anyone.
You handled the altercation well, in that once a tantrum starts there's no point in engaging. If your wife knows you won't give in and won't engage when she loses her temper, she may make an effort to moderate. I really think counselling is a must, together and possibly apart as well. You could also read up on assertiveness, anger management and dealing with difficult people. There's good information out there if you look.
There's a lot of anger washing around your place at the moment and it can't be good for anyone.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by ubntubnt
Hi FG, I refuse to argue if he is around so it has not impacted him so far.
From your description it sounds like he would only have to be in the house to over hear her tantrums.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Mate, I reckon my wife and yours must be sisters from a different missus.
Did you hear about the alcoholics wife that one night tried to scare her alcoholic straight?
She rented a Satan costume from a fancy dress shop and one night he comes back from the bar drunk as a hooty owl.
Walks down the entrance way of the house and she jumps out from behind a door and says in her deepest scariest voice "I am Satan and I have come for soul"
Her alcoholic says
"Satan!!.... I've been expecting you, come and have a drink with me pal, by the way.... Did you hear I married your sister ?"
Hehehehe
I won't go into details about what it's been like at our house.
Read the chapter "The Family afterwards " (I think you've been going to AA right?)
See if you can identify your situation in there.
Did you hear about the alcoholics wife that one night tried to scare her alcoholic straight?
She rented a Satan costume from a fancy dress shop and one night he comes back from the bar drunk as a hooty owl.
Walks down the entrance way of the house and she jumps out from behind a door and says in her deepest scariest voice "I am Satan and I have come for soul"
Her alcoholic says
"Satan!!.... I've been expecting you, come and have a drink with me pal, by the way.... Did you hear I married your sister ?"
Hehehehe
I won't go into details about what it's been like at our house.
Read the chapter "The Family afterwards " (I think you've been going to AA right?)
See if you can identify your situation in there.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
I should add the best piece of advice I have received on my situation was
"you cannot let your mood be predicated on hers "
Sounds easy but it isn't.
How did I get to that....... Practice.
Like a golfer has to practice to improve, like a piano player gets to be a virtuoso.
Practice walking away, practice zipping the lip.
She is used to being able to manipulate you, but given enough time, she'll eventually realise your not taking the bait anymore.
She might just give up trying.
"you cannot let your mood be predicated on hers "
Sounds easy but it isn't.
How did I get to that....... Practice.
Like a golfer has to practice to improve, like a piano player gets to be a virtuoso.
Practice walking away, practice zipping the lip.
She is used to being able to manipulate you, but given enough time, she'll eventually realise your not taking the bait anymore.
She might just give up trying.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
I think counseling would be a great start if she is willing to go, but I will say it again:
She publicly humiliated you and threw stuff. I don't think it matters if you were addicted to every drug on the planet. That behavior is completely out of line. IMO
She publicly humiliated you and threw stuff. I don't think it matters if you were addicted to every drug on the planet. That behavior is completely out of line. IMO
torquemax777
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Montrose CO
Posts: 350
We are always recommending seperations for the spouses of alcoholics here, maybe I'm off base, but would it also be wise advice in this situation? Even for just a couple weeks or a month? Maybe go to counseling alone and together in the meantime? I might be wrong...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
U- I am sorry that you are having these issues with your wife. You have to understand that you are getting support to make the changes to get healthy? Is she going to alanon or getting any therapy to deal with your changes? She really doesn't know what to do with you.
You, are changing the rules in the middle of the game. Not sure how often she has these rages against you. But she is definitely angry with you. She has been able to come and go with you being "busy" and has had no issues. Now you want to spend time with her, things have changed. You are putting up a fight and this is her response.
I can understand her anger (not that angry though) as I have some pretty deep angry moments towards my X. If your marriage is going to survive you will have to kiss axx and she is going to have to get some help. I know it sucks to have to do this, but A's have to make amends for what they have done and the pain doesn't just go away after you have done that. Women seem to "never" forget the stuff you do. (sorry)
You have to show long term growth on what you say, and do. That is truly how us alanons see that you won't scrxw us again and go back and drink. Trust is something you will have to earn. I wish I had the magic answer for you....
She will hopefully learn to be patient with you, and you will have to be patient with her.
I hope it will get better for you, soon!!
(((((((hugs my friend!!!))))))))))))
You, are changing the rules in the middle of the game. Not sure how often she has these rages against you. But she is definitely angry with you. She has been able to come and go with you being "busy" and has had no issues. Now you want to spend time with her, things have changed. You are putting up a fight and this is her response.
I can understand her anger (not that angry though) as I have some pretty deep angry moments towards my X. If your marriage is going to survive you will have to kiss axx and she is going to have to get some help. I know it sucks to have to do this, but A's have to make amends for what they have done and the pain doesn't just go away after you have done that. Women seem to "never" forget the stuff you do. (sorry)
You have to show long term growth on what you say, and do. That is truly how us alanons see that you won't scrxw us again and go back and drink. Trust is something you will have to earn. I wish I had the magic answer for you....
She will hopefully learn to be patient with you, and you will have to be patient with her.
I hope it will get better for you, soon!!
(((((((hugs my friend!!!))))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
I soooo very much relate to your posting. Yes in the land of recovery three months is early on but… You are a much quicker learner than I am and I applaud you both on your recovery and picking up on “this just isn’t right” behavior from your wife. In full disclosure here I am the RAW in the relationship and I’ve dealt with variations on your wife’s behavior from my husband for many years preceding the alcohol issues. I won’t give you the laundry list here but irrational outbursts of anger, guilt trips, and passive-aggressive behavior were all part of the dynamic on my husband’s side. I didn’t like it before and I like it a WHOLE lot less sober. I have tolerated a lot of behavior over the years over both the guilt while drinking, figured I deserved it, and in my own recovery over guilt of my past misdeeds. Without any doubt we “A’s” certainly deserve to do our time in guilt land and prove that we are sincere in our recovery. Relapses as you’re aware are very common and our spouses are understandably guarded when faced with changes in our behavior. Trust takes time to be built and it won’t happen overnight if ever but…
Bear with me as I tell you a little story and I promise I’ll come back to your situation.
I’m coming up on a year sober and personally have spent the past year terrified of a relapse. About two weeks ago I had this very vivid dream where I was literally yelling in it “I will NOT relapse.” About a week ago I decided to go have a read in the book called “Co-dependent no more” since hubbie has recognized that he is very much a codie as he refers to himself. To his credit he has jumped into Al-Anon with six feet and is admitting he has issues and is working on them. That said I read about the first half of the book and then just set it down because it didn't give me one way to HANDLE being on the receiving end of a co-dependent and that is what I need. When you feel bad about how your own misdeeds how to you stand up for yourself and say “I've done xyz but this does not excuse your own bad behavior?” How do you say in my drinking days I put up with all of this nonsense but it is no longer acceptable to me? In a very strange twist over time hubbie very very much relates to the addicts side of things emotionally and I relate much more to the friends and family side. It’s as if in the past week a bomb went off in my brain and I’m looking at the marital dynamics in a whole new light. When I look at some of his behaviors as addict behavior and start treating them mentally as such and not something I deserve because I did xyz and substitute “codie” for “alcoholic” in every manual about how to deal with an alcoholic its putting a whole new spin on how I view the world and paths for coping. I’m not saying your wife is co-dependent but there are a lot of crossovers between that passive aggressive behavior and the world of co-dependency which is why I mentioned it.
Now that I’ve bored you silly, and I do apologize here’s my 59.34 cents. Start taking a mental inventory of some of the behavior that bothers you on your wife’s part (she was totally out of line btw) and ask yourself this question. “If I had never had an alcohol problem would I find xyz acceptable?” It’ll help clear the guilt filter. Now you’re likely to find a number of things that aren’t to your liking. Since you can no more force her to change than somebody could force us to quit the booze you’ll start to need to look at your own ways of setting your own boundaries. When I figure that out I’ll let you know because it will have a title something like “I survived xyz without wine and so can you.”;-)
Peace and good luck in your continued recovery.
Bear with me as I tell you a little story and I promise I’ll come back to your situation.
I’m coming up on a year sober and personally have spent the past year terrified of a relapse. About two weeks ago I had this very vivid dream where I was literally yelling in it “I will NOT relapse.” About a week ago I decided to go have a read in the book called “Co-dependent no more” since hubbie has recognized that he is very much a codie as he refers to himself. To his credit he has jumped into Al-Anon with six feet and is admitting he has issues and is working on them. That said I read about the first half of the book and then just set it down because it didn't give me one way to HANDLE being on the receiving end of a co-dependent and that is what I need. When you feel bad about how your own misdeeds how to you stand up for yourself and say “I've done xyz but this does not excuse your own bad behavior?” How do you say in my drinking days I put up with all of this nonsense but it is no longer acceptable to me? In a very strange twist over time hubbie very very much relates to the addicts side of things emotionally and I relate much more to the friends and family side. It’s as if in the past week a bomb went off in my brain and I’m looking at the marital dynamics in a whole new light. When I look at some of his behaviors as addict behavior and start treating them mentally as such and not something I deserve because I did xyz and substitute “codie” for “alcoholic” in every manual about how to deal with an alcoholic its putting a whole new spin on how I view the world and paths for coping. I’m not saying your wife is co-dependent but there are a lot of crossovers between that passive aggressive behavior and the world of co-dependency which is why I mentioned it.
Now that I’ve bored you silly, and I do apologize here’s my 59.34 cents. Start taking a mental inventory of some of the behavior that bothers you on your wife’s part (she was totally out of line btw) and ask yourself this question. “If I had never had an alcohol problem would I find xyz acceptable?” It’ll help clear the guilt filter. Now you’re likely to find a number of things that aren’t to your liking. Since you can no more force her to change than somebody could force us to quit the booze you’ll start to need to look at your own ways of setting your own boundaries. When I figure that out I’ll let you know because it will have a title something like “I survived xyz without wine and so can you.”;-)
Peace and good luck in your continued recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Many thanks for your replies. You are right Maia in that I am changing the rules mid game. Unfortunately I drank last night, we met some good friends and I was just mad and tired after all the arguing so said what the hell and drank. About a bottle of wine and a few beers. Had a great night and a long talk with my wife today. I told her I was really unhappy about her temper (it is affecting her work also). I also told her that I would like her to be more supportive of my efforts to stay sober. That I just can't do it if I am repeatedly getting upset about our arguing. I asked her before to stop buying me beers but she still does it around once per week. Each week I have to throw them in the bin. On the flip side I promised her that I would continue to be around more, reduce my business travel and also try not to be so irritable.
Now, between us, it has not escaped me that i drank. I need to redouble my efforts and stay sober. I can hear some of you saying "the damage is done, your AV now thinks it's ok to drink". It's not ok, I know that. Again, thanks for your help.
Now, between us, it has not escaped me that i drank. I need to redouble my efforts and stay sober. I can hear some of you saying "the damage is done, your AV now thinks it's ok to drink". It's not ok, I know that. Again, thanks for your help.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
U- I am so sorry for you, that you drank, it makes me sad for you. I know how proud you have been of your sobriety. You have a great head on your shoulders and you will get back on the horse and ride this one out, again!!
I am glad that you talked to your wife. (I can't believe that she is still buying you alcohol after 76 days, is she trying to sabotage your sobriety?????)
I am glad that you are back here acknowledging that you are not perfect and this thing is one day at a time. Us alanons rage and do stuff that we are not proud of, no difference. The nice thing is that today is a new day and we can always start fresh. We forgive ourselves and did the best we could at the time.
Try and hit an AA meeting. Reach out to your friends (like us) for support!! We care, I hope today will be a sober day, my friend!!!
I am glad that you talked to your wife. (I can't believe that she is still buying you alcohol after 76 days, is she trying to sabotage your sobriety?????)
I am glad that you are back here acknowledging that you are not perfect and this thing is one day at a time. Us alanons rage and do stuff that we are not proud of, no difference. The nice thing is that today is a new day and we can always start fresh. We forgive ourselves and did the best we could at the time.
Try and hit an AA meeting. Reach out to your friends (like us) for support!! We care, I hope today will be a sober day, my friend!!!
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Originally Posted by ubntubnt
Many thanks for your replies. You are right Maia in that I am changing the rules mid game. Unfortunately I drank last night, we met some good friends and I was just mad and tired after all the arguing so said what the hell and drank. About a bottle of wine and a few beers. Had a great night and a long talk with my wife today. I told her I was really unhappy about her temper (it is affecting her work also). I also told her that I would like her to be more supportive of my efforts to stay sober. That I just can't do it if I am repeatedly getting upset about our arguing. I asked her before to stop buying me beers but she still does it around once per week. Each week I have to throw them in the bin. On the flip side I promised her that I would continue to be around more, reduce my business travel and also try not to be so irritable.
Now, between us, it has not escaped me that i drank. I need to redouble my efforts and stay sober. I can hear some of you saying "the damage is done, your AV now thinks it's ok to drink". It's not ok, I know that. Again, thanks for your help.
Now, between us, it has not escaped me that i drank. I need to redouble my efforts and stay sober. I can hear some of you saying "the damage is done, your AV now thinks it's ok to drink". It's not ok, I know that. Again, thanks for your help.
Recovery is inherently selfish. It is a hard process for everyone, but necessary and worth the effort. Hang in there. Your wife is not responsible for your sobriety. Do not ask her to hold you accountable. Your sobriety is your responsibility.
What does your wife want? When you speak with her, is she able to express to you how she feels about this entire experience and what she wants and needs? From you? The marriage? As a woman? I doubt that she dreamed of being in this position; yet, here you both are.
You need to learn new skills all around. Be patient. Do not drink. Guard your sobriety. You can do this Tub.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
She buys you beers? She doesn't want you sober or she just wants to sabotage you? Does she know you throw them out?
Frankly I find that shocking and I think there are some very deep problems between you.
Frankly I find that shocking and I think there are some very deep problems between you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
