want to stop
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 14
want to stop
Hi all
First apologies for any typos, am writing this from my phone.
I've ways been a drinker. My old man bought me a six pack of beer for my 12th birthday. When he would occasionally pick me up after school in summer there'd always be a few cold beers in the car for the drive home. He didnt drink everyday but when he did it was into oblivion. . My mother had schizophrenia and there was always trouble at home; poor guy just drank himself stupid when be couldn't cope.
wont go into detail but things were really rough growing up.
i used to be a weekend binge drinker from when i was perhaps 21. Go out on friday, hit the clubs, coke, meth, pills and endless booze, come home sunday arvo. Did that for maybe 4 years while going through law school then chilled out for a bit.
Then about 3 years ago started my career as a litigation lawyer. Was completely thrown in the deep end by my boss and really struggled to cope with the stress. Working up to 70 hours per week, constantly under the pump to the point i'd wake up for work and immediately start having a panic attack.
started drinking every night to knock myself out. Almost a bottle of johnnie black or chivas each night.
now it's 3 years later.. have almost worked myself into the ground but am the rising star at the firm earning good coin and respected but a complete mess. Drinking every night and sometimes all weekend if i dont have to work.
Dont buy whiskey anymore because i know as soon as i crack that bottle my drinking it in its entirety is a foregone conclusion. Stick to strong beer but plenty of it.
have tried to stop. Have only managed a couple days here and there. Have tried to cut down. Yeah right huh? Self-delusion..
have lost a 7 year relationship with the girl i thought i was going to marry because of my drinking. Have lost friends. Somehow keeping my game face on for work but scared to death that will fall apart too. And terrified what my liver looks like.
tried AA.. went to a few meetings but just didnt feel comfortable at all so i stopped. Plus i dont believe in god / higher power etc.
i wish i could stop. I know i'll lose everything eventually if i keep doing this. I just can't bloody stop.
First apologies for any typos, am writing this from my phone.
I've ways been a drinker. My old man bought me a six pack of beer for my 12th birthday. When he would occasionally pick me up after school in summer there'd always be a few cold beers in the car for the drive home. He didnt drink everyday but when he did it was into oblivion. . My mother had schizophrenia and there was always trouble at home; poor guy just drank himself stupid when be couldn't cope.
wont go into detail but things were really rough growing up.
i used to be a weekend binge drinker from when i was perhaps 21. Go out on friday, hit the clubs, coke, meth, pills and endless booze, come home sunday arvo. Did that for maybe 4 years while going through law school then chilled out for a bit.
Then about 3 years ago started my career as a litigation lawyer. Was completely thrown in the deep end by my boss and really struggled to cope with the stress. Working up to 70 hours per week, constantly under the pump to the point i'd wake up for work and immediately start having a panic attack.
started drinking every night to knock myself out. Almost a bottle of johnnie black or chivas each night.
now it's 3 years later.. have almost worked myself into the ground but am the rising star at the firm earning good coin and respected but a complete mess. Drinking every night and sometimes all weekend if i dont have to work.
Dont buy whiskey anymore because i know as soon as i crack that bottle my drinking it in its entirety is a foregone conclusion. Stick to strong beer but plenty of it.
have tried to stop. Have only managed a couple days here and there. Have tried to cut down. Yeah right huh? Self-delusion..
have lost a 7 year relationship with the girl i thought i was going to marry because of my drinking. Have lost friends. Somehow keeping my game face on for work but scared to death that will fall apart too. And terrified what my liver looks like.
tried AA.. went to a few meetings but just didnt feel comfortable at all so i stopped. Plus i dont believe in god / higher power etc.
i wish i could stop. I know i'll lose everything eventually if i keep doing this. I just can't bloody stop.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,424
I hope the support and advice here will help you work out some new approaches Piotr.
They did for me - I was an all day everyday drinker by the end - lost two careers and two long term relationships.
If I can get out of that booze cycle, I know you can too
Welcome to SR
D
They did for me - I was an all day everyday drinker by the end - lost two careers and two long term relationships.
If I can get out of that booze cycle, I know you can too
Welcome to SR
D
Into the Void
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: California
Posts: 931
Piotr,
I think you already know you need to kick the booze, and you'll get lots of support here. You should read about the secular/cognitive based methods of quitting you if you are not already familiar.
I can say from personal experience that you should also consider making a major career change, like getting out of a large law firm. Yes, the money and experience are great for a while so get out of debt and build a nest egg but then get the hell out. I can't remember actually wanting to be like any of the partners at the large firms I worked at - they were all pretty weird and unlikable. What kind of life is it if you have to soothe your constant daily emotional pain from work with booze or buying more stuff? I knew a guy who had a stress induced illness and was hospitalized while working on a large deal and his firm took the liberty of bringing boxes with all the documents for his deal into his hospital room. The strange thing is, when you spend all your time in such a work environment, you think this kind of life in normal.
Anyways, my point is that it sounds like you need to rethink your entire situation at this point. Hope i'm not overstepping with my advice here....
I think you already know you need to kick the booze, and you'll get lots of support here. You should read about the secular/cognitive based methods of quitting you if you are not already familiar.
I can say from personal experience that you should also consider making a major career change, like getting out of a large law firm. Yes, the money and experience are great for a while so get out of debt and build a nest egg but then get the hell out. I can't remember actually wanting to be like any of the partners at the large firms I worked at - they were all pretty weird and unlikable. What kind of life is it if you have to soothe your constant daily emotional pain from work with booze or buying more stuff? I knew a guy who had a stress induced illness and was hospitalized while working on a large deal and his firm took the liberty of bringing boxes with all the documents for his deal into his hospital room. The strange thing is, when you spend all your time in such a work environment, you think this kind of life in normal.
Anyways, my point is that it sounds like you need to rethink your entire situation at this point. Hope i'm not overstepping with my advice here....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 14
Fluffer
I have a workmate who was in hospital with a detatched retina and could barely see amongst other innuries after an accident.. we brought her a laptop and and internet dongle so she could keep working.. court deadlines are like the word of god that is it - bad luck.
I hear what you're saying..
Dee
Do you mind me asking how long did you manage to pull off the all day every day drinking before it unravelled?
Many thanks
Piotr
I have a workmate who was in hospital with a detatched retina and could barely see amongst other innuries after an accident.. we brought her a laptop and and internet dongle so she could keep working.. court deadlines are like the word of god that is it - bad luck.
I hear what you're saying..
Dee
Do you mind me asking how long did you manage to pull off the all day every day drinking before it unravelled?
Many thanks
Piotr
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,424
I drank all day everyday for around 5 years.
I wouldn't say it unravelled - it wasn't really together before that when I was still working, but binge drinking....I then lost my career.
Everyone's descent is different, but I drank for about 20 years...the last 10 I lost control.
The thing that still shocks me was how fast things turned to poo.
Every time I thought things could not get worse, they did.
D
I wouldn't say it unravelled - it wasn't really together before that when I was still working, but binge drinking....I then lost my career.
Everyone's descent is different, but I drank for about 20 years...the last 10 I lost control.
The thing that still shocks me was how fast things turned to poo.
Every time I thought things could not get worse, they did.
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I lost a career, the girl, car, condo. The more things got worse, the more I drank to numb the shame and guilt. I am surprised you can function so well at work given the amount you drink. When I took to drinking a fifth of vodka everyday after work, my performance plummeted. Hungover every day and cutting corners with my duties cuz I was tired and miserable all the time.
I became paranoid I was going to be fired so I actually resigned before that could happen. Did it over the phone still drunk from the night before. Then just drank all day alone. Gained weight, had health problems, trips to the ER etc.
I kept thinking that I would just snap out of it eventually. Took 35 days of inpatient rehab to finally get me to realize that I was a full blown alcoholic that could never drink again. I am sure that your firm had treatment options available. Law is a profession that has among the highest rates of alcoholism so i doubt it would be career-killer for you to admit a problem
I became paranoid I was going to be fired so I actually resigned before that could happen. Did it over the phone still drunk from the night before. Then just drank all day alone. Gained weight, had health problems, trips to the ER etc.
I kept thinking that I would just snap out of it eventually. Took 35 days of inpatient rehab to finally get me to realize that I was a full blown alcoholic that could never drink again. I am sure that your firm had treatment options available. Law is a profession that has among the highest rates of alcoholism so i doubt it would be career-killer for you to admit a problem
Resolutely Staying Sober ODAAT
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Wyoming, USA
Posts: 103
Welcome, I too have been able to keep my career intact (surprisingly) while I was drinking, I was a challenge though. You will find great support here, my suggestion...read, read, and read some more and share your thoughts. Good luck, you can do this!
position_9404
position_9404
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 79
Piotr, I understand what you are going through. I have been there. You have the desire to stop, and for me that was the most important thing. I set up a strict daily schedule for myself, regular activity, regular meals. I stopped going anywhere with booze. I'm not sure how you can handle your job situation but I'm betting there is at least one other person at your firm who is sober now but once wasn't. Do you know that person? Do you trust them to support you? If not, just going to a meeting to two might at least get you thinking. The higher power bit didn't bother me as a non religious person. I recast the higher power as my own will, my own inner self that didn't want to be drunk anymore. I'll be thinking of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 14
Niamh
It's almost funny to think how i managed to pull off work after slamming a bottle of scotch every night.. countless days hungover.. many sick days.. i suppose what may have worked in my favour was first, before i started practising law i was a full on bodybuilder / powerlifter and weighed in at around 130kg.. everything chemical works on body mass right? Secondly, perhaps my "good" genes? I've read that there is a genetic component to alcohol tolerance (as well as propensity for addiction).
The job's a double edged sword.. it's extraordinarily interesting and intellectually satisfying, i get to work with some incredibly intelligent people on a diverse range of matters. Flip side is very long hours and high pressure which leaves you both physically and mentally exhausted by the end of the day and little room in one's life for anything else. In my city some of the most respected litigation lawyers are well known to be seriously heavy drinkers. I think perhaps only medicine trumps law in terms of depression, anxiety and substance abuse.
I'm just going to try one day at a time. Every day i dont drink is a victory. Telling myself "no i'll never drink again" is simply too daunting; i simply have no confidence at the moment that i can achieve that. But day by day; that i believe i can manage. I hope.
Many thanks to all for your welcoming, kind words
Piotr
It's almost funny to think how i managed to pull off work after slamming a bottle of scotch every night.. countless days hungover.. many sick days.. i suppose what may have worked in my favour was first, before i started practising law i was a full on bodybuilder / powerlifter and weighed in at around 130kg.. everything chemical works on body mass right? Secondly, perhaps my "good" genes? I've read that there is a genetic component to alcohol tolerance (as well as propensity for addiction).
The job's a double edged sword.. it's extraordinarily interesting and intellectually satisfying, i get to work with some incredibly intelligent people on a diverse range of matters. Flip side is very long hours and high pressure which leaves you both physically and mentally exhausted by the end of the day and little room in one's life for anything else. In my city some of the most respected litigation lawyers are well known to be seriously heavy drinkers. I think perhaps only medicine trumps law in terms of depression, anxiety and substance abuse.
I'm just going to try one day at a time. Every day i dont drink is a victory. Telling myself "no i'll never drink again" is simply too daunting; i simply have no confidence at the moment that i can achieve that. But day by day; that i believe i can manage. I hope.
Many thanks to all for your welcoming, kind words
Piotr
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by Niamh 
Piotr, I understand what you are going through. I have been there. You have the desire to stop, and for me that was the most important thing. I set up a strict daily schedule for myself, regular activity, regular meals. I stopped going anywhere with booze. I'm not sure how you can handle your job situation but I'm betting there is at least one other person at your firm who is sober now but once wasn't. Do you know that person? Do you trust them to support you? If not, just going to a meeting to two might at least get you thinking. The higher power bit didn't bother me as a non religious person. I recast the higher power as my own will, my own inner self that didn't want to be drunk anymore. I'll be thinking of you.
It's actually quite a small firm.. we do medium scale litigation, not the big corporate stuff that most people associate my type of work with.. unfortunately there isn't really anyone to talk to.. my boss is a decent bloke.. he know's I'm a big drinker, has alluded to it in the past, but i don't want to admit how much of a problem it really is as i don't want to appear to be "weak" or "compromised"
Piotr
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,327
Welcome, Piotr. You are very wise to seek help now. As many on here will note, high functioning is a stage of alcoholism, and not a type. It is a matter of time before the pendulum shifts.
I, too, seemed to "manage" very successfully a stressful and relatively high profile job while drinking and quit before I lost that position. Interestingly, it was only when I stopped drinking that I realized I wasn't quite as "high functioning" as I thought. Now, I accomplish so much more with so much less stress at work. My work is once again satisfying and a cause of joy, even during the stressful times.
I understand the hesitancy to disclose. I've had that same worry and have been somewhat selective about who I reveal things to. Not sure where you are or if this is a path you want to take, but I know that here in the states one doesn't need to disclose that one is going to IP to one's bosses. That is, it is a medical leave, like any other medical leave.
I, too, seemed to "manage" very successfully a stressful and relatively high profile job while drinking and quit before I lost that position. Interestingly, it was only when I stopped drinking that I realized I wasn't quite as "high functioning" as I thought. Now, I accomplish so much more with so much less stress at work. My work is once again satisfying and a cause of joy, even during the stressful times.
I understand the hesitancy to disclose. I've had that same worry and have been somewhat selective about who I reveal things to. Not sure where you are or if this is a path you want to take, but I know that here in the states one doesn't need to disclose that one is going to IP to one's bosses. That is, it is a medical leave, like any other medical leave.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 14
Hi matilda
You're correct - i dont need to disclose the reason. Although my employment contract provides for instant dismissal if I'm abset from work on sick leave for more than 21 days. So that could be an issue.
Re the "high functioning": i know for sure my cognition and memory is being affected by the booze; i certainly could be functioning a lot "higher" without it. And i've noticed that aspect becoming worse over the last year or so despite cutting down my intake.
Another aspect that is perhaps not given as much weight as others is the phenomenal amount of money daily drinking costs
I cringe at the thought of how many overseas holidays i could have taken or even bought a car with what i've spend over the last 3 years. Im sure everyone here can relate to that one.
Piotr
You're correct - i dont need to disclose the reason. Although my employment contract provides for instant dismissal if I'm abset from work on sick leave for more than 21 days. So that could be an issue.
Re the "high functioning": i know for sure my cognition and memory is being affected by the booze; i certainly could be functioning a lot "higher" without it. And i've noticed that aspect becoming worse over the last year or so despite cutting down my intake.
Another aspect that is perhaps not given as much weight as others is the phenomenal amount of money daily drinking costs
I cringe at the thought of how many overseas holidays i could have taken or even bought a car with what i've spend over the last 3 years. Im sure everyone here can relate to that one.
Piotr
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 79
Piotr,
I has definitely saved me lots of cash. I too don't tell myself I'll never drink again. I don't keep hard track of how many days it has been. I just focus on that day I am living. I don't drink that day. I spend a lot of time managing my withdrawal issues. I'm my own project. I know you can do it because even good genes wear thin over time. The best things for me have been having my own mind back. You sound like an extremely capable person, and I understand not wanting to involve others in your sober journey. I have hidden sobriety like I hid my drunkenness. I want to talk to someone, that's my own current issue. i know the library has been my friend, self help books and whatnot, even if i don't always blend with one method, I at least learned something about dealing with my real self.
I has definitely saved me lots of cash. I too don't tell myself I'll never drink again. I don't keep hard track of how many days it has been. I just focus on that day I am living. I don't drink that day. I spend a lot of time managing my withdrawal issues. I'm my own project. I know you can do it because even good genes wear thin over time. The best things for me have been having my own mind back. You sound like an extremely capable person, and I understand not wanting to involve others in your sober journey. I have hidden sobriety like I hid my drunkenness. I want to talk to someone, that's my own current issue. i know the library has been my friend, self help books and whatnot, even if i don't always blend with one method, I at least learned something about dealing with my real self.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 14
Thanks guys
Only had a couple beers last night hence up at 4am as my brain is used to being soaked in booze in order to sleep.
Will start today. Hopefully i can string enough consecutive days together for it to be of any consequence.
Kind thanks again
Piotr
Only had a couple beers last night hence up at 4am as my brain is used to being soaked in booze in order to sleep.
Will start today. Hopefully i can string enough consecutive days together for it to be of any consequence.
Kind thanks again
Piotr
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Originally Posted by piotrAU
Hi matilda You're correct - i dont need to disclose the reason. Although my employment contract provides for instant dismissal if I'm abset from work on sick leave for more than 21 days. So that could be an issue. Re the "high functioning": i know for sure my cognition and memory is being affected by the booze; i certainly could be functioning a lot "higher" without it. And i've noticed that aspect becoming worse over the last year or so despite cutting down my intake. Another aspect that is perhaps not given as much weight as others is the phenomenal amount of money daily drinking costs I cringe at the thought of how many overseas holidays i could have taken or even bought a car with what i've spend over the last 3 years. Im sure everyone here can relate to that one. Piotr
Yes I get the money part. I had a 20 years drinking and smoking career. Lost around 250k on my addiction. Good news is that I am SOBER, today.
You can too, I have no doubt about it. Rock on!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
The acute physical part of alcohol withdrawal is brief in duration - about 72 hours.
Do you have any sick days or vacation time? Really all you need is a long weekend to stop. Your doctor can prescribe something for you to mitigate the effects of withdrawal and you can be done with the hard part in a few days. Research alcohol withdrawal. It's mildly uncomfortable if you have some medical help. Heck, I just cut back for a few days and then quit (not recommended - I didn't know it could have been dangerous) and toughed it out for that first week, no medical help. TV and ice cream were my friends. Sleep took a while to return to normal, but we all have survived that.
You could be a huge star if you would get this done.
Moderation doesn't work for me, or for anyone with alcohol dependence (which it definitely sounds like you have) - so the "cutting back"? It isn't a solution.
Do you have any sick days or vacation time? Really all you need is a long weekend to stop. Your doctor can prescribe something for you to mitigate the effects of withdrawal and you can be done with the hard part in a few days. Research alcohol withdrawal. It's mildly uncomfortable if you have some medical help. Heck, I just cut back for a few days and then quit (not recommended - I didn't know it could have been dangerous) and toughed it out for that first week, no medical help. TV and ice cream were my friends. Sleep took a while to return to normal, but we all have survived that.
You could be a huge star if you would get this done.
Moderation doesn't work for me, or for anyone with alcohol dependence (which it definitely sounds like you have) - so the "cutting back"? It isn't a solution.
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