One year sober, finally :-)
I am McLovin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Santa Clara, CA
Posts: 144
One year sober, finally :-)
Today I have 1 year of sobriety. I started recovery, going in and out, over the last 7 years. It's been a roller coaster, the highest highs, the lowest lows, bouncing between many different programs and groups, spent some time here on SR, lots of other online support groups, chronically relapsing, and spent entire years going back out after long periods of sobriety...
Thought I'd post to SR, as this is the first place I came to seeking information 7 years ago. I haven't posted here in quite a while, But I know this is a large and diverse forum, and it has served as my initial launchpad into recovery.
I'm now finally in a place of peace, strength, and gratitude with my recovery. And I have a message to those who are struggling, desperate, frustrated, or in despair. You can do this. Despite your failed attempts, seemingly unattainable abstinence, and burgeoning acceptance that maybe you just can't hack this thing, I promise that if you really want to be sober, you can.
My sobriety felt like a rubber band, where it's natural state was my alcoholism, and the longer I abstained just stretched the rubber band more and more until it just had to snap back to normal (which was drinking). I found frustration where I would gain some traction with a particular program or approach, only to relapse, sometimes over the most trivial of circumstances.
I'm a huge proponent of all recovery programs, 12 step or secular, I experienced and still use both and appreciate all the others. Over the years I've gained sober friends in many different programs, so I consider them all valid and with merit.
I'm going to share a few things that really helped me in this most recent go with sobriety, in hopes it might help others that are struggling, I'm also going to try to keep my suggestions worded in a way that apply to multiple programs, approaches to sobriety.
Here we go:
1. My biggest lesson was making recovery my number one priority, at all costs - I have internalized that without my recovery I could lose everything else. My wife, son, family, friends, job, health, were all on the line in my destructive path. Even though I considered myself a 'functioning alcoholic', reality was I was just one accident, DUI, or event away from turning my life upside down, losing one or all of the things I care the most about, and at best if I escaped that I was ensuring a lower quality of life in my later years.
2. Accepting help - This I learned early on, even though it took quite a while for my recovery to take hold, but it was a mental jump to accept that I needed outside help. That I couldn't just figure it out on my own, that sharing with others, sometimes strangers, was cathartic and helped give me the tools necessary to work towards sobriety. There's no shame in asking for help, after all people ask for help all the time, take classes, go to training, get consulting...why should recovery be any different?
3. Going outside my comfort zone, trying new things, following advice and direction. This took a leap of faith as well, to trust other people and ideas, to suspend reverting to what was familiar to me, and entertain a different way of thinking, acting, and behaving. It wasn't easy, I had initially thought that all I had to do was stop drinking, that my life was just fine, it was just the drinking. But I've found that without introspection into who I really was, openness and honesty, becoming vulnerable by being open and sharing, and trusting others, I was unable to secure a foothold in recovery.
2. Sober friends, activities, lifestyle: I've previously been troubled with having sober friends, or friends in recovery. In the past I've kept them at an arm's distance. Perhaps I just felt like I "wasn't that bad" or "wasn't one of *them*", or whatever the hangup, Once I started making real friends in recovery, where I felt comfortable adding them to my facebook, and introducing them to my family and (normie) friends, and just generally hanging out and doing social activities...that really opened up a gateway to grow, establish new behaviors, and learn to actually prefer sober living, rather than feeling FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). Now I can say some of my very best friends are sober and in recovery.
3. Regular (normie) friends, and friends that drink/use: I didn't actively de-friend any non-sober friends, after all I already had some incredibly close friends that still drank. Rather, I just moved forward with my sober lifestyle, I didn't broadcast it, but would be truthful if it came up. Closer friends I took aside and honestly told them where I had been in alcoholism, what I had been doing, and what I expected to do in recovery. Those that supported me wholeheartedly and treated me the same, remained a friend. Those that weren't genuinely interested or distanced themselves just naturally drifted away. The important thing was that I was rigorously honest with all of them, and did not edit my story based on who they were. Everyone got the same story, the honest story, and so what happened following that was an honest outcome.
4. Editing my environment: setting rules, boundaries, and sticking to them. Previous attempts at sobriety I've been more lax with my boundaries with alcohol. For example, I would still allow alcohol in my home, or allow it to be served, I'd still go to liquor stores for snacks, attend parties where drinking was the central activity. I can't say in the last year I've 100% abstained from any event when alcohol was present, or that alcohol was never in my home. But the times (that I can count on one hand) were planned and discussed with my family, sober friends, and support network. Nothing was hidden, nothing was done just-because. My attendance or allowance was evaluated in an open discussion, with a level of understanding and expectation. Other than those few times, I generally stay away from alcohol-centric events, or anywhere where drinking is a central activity (i.e. bar, club, house party, houses of old friends that drink/use, liquor store, etc)
6. Professional Help. I've participated in numerous programs, both online and in person, both secular and 12 step, I was a good study of recovery, especially on the academic side. I could spout off all sorts of facts and figures, statistic and studies, psychological, biological and neurological processes. But I found difficulty applying that knowledge to my own recovery, at least in terms of sustained abstinence. As a last straw I sought out professional help beyond support groups, and completed an hospital intensive outpatient program. It was scary, I had to take a leave of absence from work, explain to my bosses, family and friends, and hope that I could survive the lack of income during that time. Turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made, and it also went by really fast. Taking time to remove myself from the rigors of everyday life, into a structured and disciplined environment, surrounded by professional and other patients going through the same thing as me, was immensely helpful. I was able to significantly restructure my life, and focus on recovery. It wasn't scary once I was in, and I got a ton of support from family and friends.
7. Quit analyzing programs and comparing them. Look for and appreciate the similarities. Work my program with my full gusto. As I mentioned before I was very studious when it came to the mechanics of alcoholism. This unfortunately left me in a position trying to figure out which program or approach was the "right one", and spending more time researching, comparing, and criticising, rather than looking at myself and my own recovery. I've come to the conclusion that the "right one" is a red herring, and that most programs can be effective, and it comes down to whatever program works for the individual. As long as the person is sober and happy, and puts them and those surrounding them in a better place, it is right. I may get some flak for this perspective, but it works for me. And helps me reconcile all the different programs and approaches I have used in the past. From a high level I see so much more similarity than differences: introspection, honesty, sharing, peer support, and hard work. I believe every little bit I have learned along the way has incrementally stepped me towards recovery.
I'm also quite aware I'm still at only a year, and I have plenty more to learn and grow. I suspect next year I could have a different outlook or perspective. I'm open to change, and trust that I will continue to change. But this is where I am right now, and I feel like I am in a good place, going in a good direction. I'm open to comments and criticism from any others who might have anything to add or suggest.
So if you've made it this far, I hope you've resonated with something I wrote and found it helpful. With my track record in recovery I was sure I would never be sober, that I was resolved to have a lower quality of life, lose the things most important to me, and die early.
I still may die early, I can't control that. But I can control that I will not drink today, tomorrow is another day, I don't have to worry about that until then. One day at a time. And every day of struggle over the last 7 years was worth it. And with every step forward, even if I took two steps back, was worth it. All the personal conflict, turbulence, despair, and frustration was worth it. You never know which attempt will be the one that takes hold, but if you stop trying you can be assured that day will never come. For the struggling alcoholic in despair, I beg of you, don't give up. I promise, if I can do it, I know anyone can.
-t
Thought I'd post to SR, as this is the first place I came to seeking information 7 years ago. I haven't posted here in quite a while, But I know this is a large and diverse forum, and it has served as my initial launchpad into recovery.
I'm now finally in a place of peace, strength, and gratitude with my recovery. And I have a message to those who are struggling, desperate, frustrated, or in despair. You can do this. Despite your failed attempts, seemingly unattainable abstinence, and burgeoning acceptance that maybe you just can't hack this thing, I promise that if you really want to be sober, you can.
My sobriety felt like a rubber band, where it's natural state was my alcoholism, and the longer I abstained just stretched the rubber band more and more until it just had to snap back to normal (which was drinking). I found frustration where I would gain some traction with a particular program or approach, only to relapse, sometimes over the most trivial of circumstances.
I'm a huge proponent of all recovery programs, 12 step or secular, I experienced and still use both and appreciate all the others. Over the years I've gained sober friends in many different programs, so I consider them all valid and with merit.
I'm going to share a few things that really helped me in this most recent go with sobriety, in hopes it might help others that are struggling, I'm also going to try to keep my suggestions worded in a way that apply to multiple programs, approaches to sobriety.
Here we go:
1. My biggest lesson was making recovery my number one priority, at all costs - I have internalized that without my recovery I could lose everything else. My wife, son, family, friends, job, health, were all on the line in my destructive path. Even though I considered myself a 'functioning alcoholic', reality was I was just one accident, DUI, or event away from turning my life upside down, losing one or all of the things I care the most about, and at best if I escaped that I was ensuring a lower quality of life in my later years.
2. Accepting help - This I learned early on, even though it took quite a while for my recovery to take hold, but it was a mental jump to accept that I needed outside help. That I couldn't just figure it out on my own, that sharing with others, sometimes strangers, was cathartic and helped give me the tools necessary to work towards sobriety. There's no shame in asking for help, after all people ask for help all the time, take classes, go to training, get consulting...why should recovery be any different?
3. Going outside my comfort zone, trying new things, following advice and direction. This took a leap of faith as well, to trust other people and ideas, to suspend reverting to what was familiar to me, and entertain a different way of thinking, acting, and behaving. It wasn't easy, I had initially thought that all I had to do was stop drinking, that my life was just fine, it was just the drinking. But I've found that without introspection into who I really was, openness and honesty, becoming vulnerable by being open and sharing, and trusting others, I was unable to secure a foothold in recovery.
2. Sober friends, activities, lifestyle: I've previously been troubled with having sober friends, or friends in recovery. In the past I've kept them at an arm's distance. Perhaps I just felt like I "wasn't that bad" or "wasn't one of *them*", or whatever the hangup, Once I started making real friends in recovery, where I felt comfortable adding them to my facebook, and introducing them to my family and (normie) friends, and just generally hanging out and doing social activities...that really opened up a gateway to grow, establish new behaviors, and learn to actually prefer sober living, rather than feeling FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). Now I can say some of my very best friends are sober and in recovery.
3. Regular (normie) friends, and friends that drink/use: I didn't actively de-friend any non-sober friends, after all I already had some incredibly close friends that still drank. Rather, I just moved forward with my sober lifestyle, I didn't broadcast it, but would be truthful if it came up. Closer friends I took aside and honestly told them where I had been in alcoholism, what I had been doing, and what I expected to do in recovery. Those that supported me wholeheartedly and treated me the same, remained a friend. Those that weren't genuinely interested or distanced themselves just naturally drifted away. The important thing was that I was rigorously honest with all of them, and did not edit my story based on who they were. Everyone got the same story, the honest story, and so what happened following that was an honest outcome.
4. Editing my environment: setting rules, boundaries, and sticking to them. Previous attempts at sobriety I've been more lax with my boundaries with alcohol. For example, I would still allow alcohol in my home, or allow it to be served, I'd still go to liquor stores for snacks, attend parties where drinking was the central activity. I can't say in the last year I've 100% abstained from any event when alcohol was present, or that alcohol was never in my home. But the times (that I can count on one hand) were planned and discussed with my family, sober friends, and support network. Nothing was hidden, nothing was done just-because. My attendance or allowance was evaluated in an open discussion, with a level of understanding and expectation. Other than those few times, I generally stay away from alcohol-centric events, or anywhere where drinking is a central activity (i.e. bar, club, house party, houses of old friends that drink/use, liquor store, etc)
6. Professional Help. I've participated in numerous programs, both online and in person, both secular and 12 step, I was a good study of recovery, especially on the academic side. I could spout off all sorts of facts and figures, statistic and studies, psychological, biological and neurological processes. But I found difficulty applying that knowledge to my own recovery, at least in terms of sustained abstinence. As a last straw I sought out professional help beyond support groups, and completed an hospital intensive outpatient program. It was scary, I had to take a leave of absence from work, explain to my bosses, family and friends, and hope that I could survive the lack of income during that time. Turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made, and it also went by really fast. Taking time to remove myself from the rigors of everyday life, into a structured and disciplined environment, surrounded by professional and other patients going through the same thing as me, was immensely helpful. I was able to significantly restructure my life, and focus on recovery. It wasn't scary once I was in, and I got a ton of support from family and friends.
7. Quit analyzing programs and comparing them. Look for and appreciate the similarities. Work my program with my full gusto. As I mentioned before I was very studious when it came to the mechanics of alcoholism. This unfortunately left me in a position trying to figure out which program or approach was the "right one", and spending more time researching, comparing, and criticising, rather than looking at myself and my own recovery. I've come to the conclusion that the "right one" is a red herring, and that most programs can be effective, and it comes down to whatever program works for the individual. As long as the person is sober and happy, and puts them and those surrounding them in a better place, it is right. I may get some flak for this perspective, but it works for me. And helps me reconcile all the different programs and approaches I have used in the past. From a high level I see so much more similarity than differences: introspection, honesty, sharing, peer support, and hard work. I believe every little bit I have learned along the way has incrementally stepped me towards recovery.
I'm also quite aware I'm still at only a year, and I have plenty more to learn and grow. I suspect next year I could have a different outlook or perspective. I'm open to change, and trust that I will continue to change. But this is where I am right now, and I feel like I am in a good place, going in a good direction. I'm open to comments and criticism from any others who might have anything to add or suggest.
So if you've made it this far, I hope you've resonated with something I wrote and found it helpful. With my track record in recovery I was sure I would never be sober, that I was resolved to have a lower quality of life, lose the things most important to me, and die early.
I still may die early, I can't control that. But I can control that I will not drink today, tomorrow is another day, I don't have to worry about that until then. One day at a time. And every day of struggle over the last 7 years was worth it. And with every step forward, even if I took two steps back, was worth it. All the personal conflict, turbulence, despair, and frustration was worth it. You never know which attempt will be the one that takes hold, but if you stop trying you can be assured that day will never come. For the struggling alcoholic in despair, I beg of you, don't give up. I promise, if I can do it, I know anyone can.
-t
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Congratulations on a year!!! That is HUGE!!
I really appreciate what you posted. For me, I had to find what worked for ME, and that meant getting good stuff from a variety of places. I've found that I didn't exactly fit into any one program. I took a little from this, a little from that, and holy cow, I'm coming up on 8 years in recovery!
I will say this - at one year, I was ecstatic. What I didn't know was there was SO MUCH MORE! Not to put down a year in recovery, no way. I'm just saying that I had no idea how much better life could get each and every day.
I really appreciate your post, I see me in it. You offer good advice, gratitude, and what has worked for you.
You ROCK!!!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I really appreciate what you posted. For me, I had to find what worked for ME, and that meant getting good stuff from a variety of places. I've found that I didn't exactly fit into any one program. I took a little from this, a little from that, and holy cow, I'm coming up on 8 years in recovery!
I will say this - at one year, I was ecstatic. What I didn't know was there was SO MUCH MORE! Not to put down a year in recovery, no way. I'm just saying that I had no idea how much better life could get each and every day.
I really appreciate your post, I see me in it. You offer good advice, gratitude, and what has worked for you.
You ROCK!!!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
Originally Posted by tesquizito 
7. Quit analyzing programs and comparing them. Look for and appreciate the similarities. Work my program with my full gusto. As I mentioned before I was very studious when it came to the mechanics of alcoholism. This unfortunately left me in a position trying to figure out which program or approach was the "right one", and spending more time researching, comparing, and criticising, rather than looking at myself and my own recovery. I've come to the conclusion that the "right one" is a red herring, and that most programs can be effective, and it comes down to whatever program works for the individual.
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