axelsmama09

Hello, I am Kayla. I am 28 years old with one child(5) and three bonus children(16,15,14). I have been with my significant other for 11 years. He is ten years my senior. He is also a binge drinker. Has been off and on for the entire time I have known him. As the years go on, I am finding myself less tolerant of his behaviors, mainly because I am a mother now and do NOT want my child to see his father, whom he ADORES in a DRUNK state. I have stories for days, as I assume everyone in my position does. Lately, since his last DUI ( has two, one from his twenties, one two years ago) he has been really good, almost go to a point where I trusted him again, but he has this a****** of a friend that he cannot seem to shake. The "friend" was with him when he got the last DUI and disappeared when probation and jail and fines were issued, which for two years my life was really good. Probation did wonders for him. However, as of 6 months ago, the "friend" has resurfaced. Leaving my life in shambles once again. While I realize his choices are his own and all that jazz, he only binges when this man is involved. Two weeks ago , he came home at 10 pm three sheets to the wind, in a cab. Long story short, he put cab driver in headlock, cops were called and lucky for me the cab driver allowed me to convince him not to press charges. This is when he said he realizes he has a problem and will do something about it. Fast forward to last night. Picked up my child from school around four, dropped him off with my teenager and left for the bar at 5pm. Didn't see him until 2 am, drunk as all get out again and this time he was more docile , but still does anyone in my situation get repulsed by the way your SO looks when they are drunk, the smell? the way they sway or hold their hands? It makes me want to vomit. I have also, in the last three years (because of this crap) have developed serious anxiety. I only experience it when it involves him. It makes me not eat, makes my heart beat fast, have to catch my breath ect.. Its a very real part of my life when he is acting like this...I have also developed a STRONG aversion to all things alcohol. Don't touch it(never have) and don't want to look at it. Every time I see it, I become enraged. Its almost like I could have some form of PTSD from this life I lead... I love him I REALLY do, when he is GOOD he is really GOOD but when it is bad, its terrible. Haven't talked to him about last nights bender, want to but just don't know what I can say... thoughts? I just want to help him, and from reading all of this it doesn't seem I am going to be the one who can.

Sotiredofitall

Yes, I also began to hate/resent the things I associated with his drinking. Stress and anxiety and vehement reactions to it all. Alanon has helped with my reactions to it. Letting him deal with his consequences and letting go of my perceived ability to control his situation was key. Lots of helpful info in the stickies associated with this subset forum. All I can influence is within my own *hula hoop* (look it up here) and that has been key to my inner peace.

freetosmile

Welcome to SR- you are at the RIGHT place!

And yes, you probably do have some PTSD from all this crap you have gone through. No doubt about that.

Here is what I got from your post though:

You sound like your ready to arm yourself with some knowledge on how to deal with these type of people.

I am pretty new here too and I started going to al-anon meetings (for friends and family of alcoholics) and getting support there. I know it doesn't sound like thing you want to be doing in a time like this (focusing on YOU)...but the more you are here and the more you learn, the more you will realize how invaluable YOU are to this whole merry-go-round and that YOUR reactions to his behavior can make or break your day.

I hope you keep coming here. These guys are all fantastic....you WILL get the answers to your questions- even if you don't like 'em

HUGS!!!

axelsmama09

Thank you for replying. I am learning, all last night I read about others dealings and realized 1) I am not alone, and 2) it can clearly be worse .... I am thinking about texting him and asking him if he is going to be home tonight or off again, thinking it may relieve my anxiety at the moment... maybe not.

LexieCat

It isn't his friend's fault that he drinks. When he's wanting to drink, he will seek out company that will encourage it.

I'd find an Al-Anon group and get involved with that.

And texting him won't keep him from drinking if he wants to--even if he tells you he'll be home.

Oh, and as far as "can clearly be worse," trust me, it will be. Alcoholism is progressive--what you see right now is the best he will ever be, unless/until he decides to get sober and stay that way.

axelsmama09

Im at work, and just having raging anxiety, so glad that I can vent here to people that understand. Lexiecat, you are 100 percent right. I suppose in my mind its just easier to hate the one that I don't love, if that makes any sense

axelsmama09

He called, guess today isn't a remorseful day, today he is actually annoyed that I am upset. How nice. I told him we should talk about this later and he said "why", I told him because you were p*&& drunk last night, threw up in our sink and most importantly DROVE home. Guess he wants another DUI. I just don't get it. I reminded him that two weeks ago he was sorry and he said he needed help and would be different, his response was "so". Heartbreaking.

atalose

I am absolutely not judging you I’m trying to figure out where your thoughts are with you “being lucky” charges were not pressed.

Based on what you shared when he was held accountable for his actions in the past (DUI) probation you said he was good, you trusted him and that made your life really good.

So why save him from having to be accountable for his drunken behavior this time with the cab driver?

axelsmama09

BELIEVE ME when I say I agree, no thoughts of judgment being passed here... in hindsight I should have left him do what he was going to do and let the chips fall where they may. I just start thinking about my kids and how it would affect them and then how much money it would cost to get out of the situation ect... I totally should have not begged the cab driver.

axelsmama09

I appreciate all input and the ability to share with those who do not know him...

SadInTX

I can so relate to the anxiety you are having...I experience it too with my husband, but he drinks at the house. It just makes it worse...I just wait to see what mood he will be in when he is drinking...praying he won't get upset with something I said or didn't say...so sorry you are going through this...you are not alone.

firebolt

I'm so sorry you are in this position. It is absolute hell for all involved. Just sending you strength, support and peace.

maia1234

A- Welcome, I am sorry you are here. But this forum will be your best friend the next couple of months if you keep coming back and educating yourself about addiction.

Yes your husband has a problem with his drinking. Yes you have a problem with your husbands drinking. If there was a magic pill to get them to stop we would not be here. So with that said you will learn some tough stuff from some tough people who have walked in your shoes. They want to help you get off the raging river before you drown with him.

What you will see here is how you can save your self and your children from anymore craziness living with an Alcoholic. You can change and learn what works for you and what doesn't. Like what was said up top hit an alanon meeting or for your older kids the alateen meetings. They will be invaluable. Also you can go to open aa meetings or hit the new comer alcoholic forum. These places makes you try and comprehend what the A is going through. But still teaches you that you need to take care of YOU and the kids only.

Your AH is a big boy and by you telling him what to do, doesn't really matter to him. He needs his booze like he needs oxygen. Until he is ready to stop drinking and works a program there is not a thing you can do about it.

Keep reaching out, reading here and the stickies. Mind your side of the street and your life might calm down a little.

((((((((((((((hugs my friend))))))))))))))

axelsmama09

I truly feel your pain. I am riddled with it. Its insane. I literally got up 15 times last night checking windows, hoping he wasn't home. I never know what I am in for, I stopped caring about "who" he was talking to at the bars A LONG TIME AGO, now all I seem to care about is how is he going to behave? Is he going to wake the kids? How quick can I get him to pass out? ITS INSANE. He has never been physical with me, but emotional warfare can be just as bad. Breathing helps, but not much. I never used to be this way, I know it is totally related to him and alcohol.

axelsmama09

Thank you for your post, I appreciate it!! I will do my best!!

CodeJob

Welcome to SR!

Read up on boundaries. Decide where you are setting one to lessen the impact his drinking has on you and the kids (yours + bonus). I think working this angle will help you feel more in control of your situation and lessen your anxiety.

Secondly, read up on detachment. The Al Anon term is 'loving detachment.'

I'm glad you are here. You can learn a ton here!

LexieCat

I'm sorry I forgot to welcome you here--I'm not usually that abrupt, especially with newcomers. Forgive me, it's been sort of a busy, frustrating day.

We've all been where you are. I absolutely remember feeling disgusted and anxiety-ridden when I was in the company of my ex-husbands when they were drunk--especially once I realized what I was dealing with in terms of an alcoholic relationship.

I really do think you'd benefit a lot from Al-Anon--it was a real lifeline for me when I was dealing with crises in my relationships with alcoholics.

axelsmama09

Went to dinner, as a family. While I ate I tried to push out thoughts of I wonder what does one do at a bar for nine hours? Thought about asking but decided it wasn't the time, reading up on boundries ... Hopefully something will click there bc clearly I seem to have no boundries, he just lived it up all night and now I'm eating dinner with him acting like it never happened. W.t.f is wrong with me????

axelsmama09

Lexie it's ok, I understand. It was abrupt to me. ��

Godismyrock

Heard a great quote once that you many relate to: those lines on my forehead? They aren't wrinkles, they are marks left by the window blinds from staring out the window all night.
I totally get it. It took me a long time to learn how to cope with the evenings when I didn't know when or where he was. I learned that
1. If something's worth me losing sleep over it, I will find out when the phone rings in the middle of the night. Otherwise him out drinking somewhere is old news and I need my sleep because somebody has to take care of our kids tomorrow

2. On nights when he is home and drinking I bought a noisemaker to keep by my head so I can drown out the tv noise from downstairs and the kids have fans going in their rooms to muffle the sound

3. On nights when it is bothering me and I am having a hard time going to sleep, I take Unisom

4. If its too late for Unisom (because I woke up at 4) I get on here and find some experience strength and hope

Glad you found us. Stick around