How do I work on myself?

Old 01-28-2015, 06:43 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
How do I work on myself?

Hi, family. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. AH is in rehab and I am at the crossroads. I feel paralyzed almost. I do just the basics - work, do my class, take care of kids and dogs, don't really clean until it gets way to messy (no energy), workout a bit (helps me with depression), think about something positive every day (especially when I get sad thinking about AH or what he might be doing), I try to slow down, try not to yell and try not to be angry and bitter at AH (very hard). I hear a lot about "working on myself". Now, that he is gone, I have to work on myself. How do you guys do it? What do you do specifically to work on yourselves? How do you not think about your addicts? I find it so hard to even concentrate. Everything circles back to him.

oh, I went to an only nar-anon meeting in my area, which is 30 minutes away. It's once a week, well at least it's something.
glitterdeva is offline  
Old 01-28-2015, 06:50 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Impurrfect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
What helped me, the most, was to keep reading here. I learned that I wasn't alone.

Al-anon meetings do help, have been to a few myself.

I'm both an RA and a recovering codie. Reading here has helped me a lot. We are here for you!!!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
Impurrfect is offline  
Old 01-28-2015, 07:00 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
How do you guys do it?
For me, there was a A-HA!! moment towards the end of the relationship with my AXGF, and in happened in Al Anon. As I listened to different members talk about their experiences with their qualifier, the root message common to all of those stories, and my own, was it didn't matter what we did or didn't do for the addict. The addict was going to do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. And it was an incredibly liberating sort of realization, the fact that powerlessness can be a good thing.

All of us, in one form or another, have bent over backwards to try to "help" the addict. And all that has ever accomplished is driving ourselves nuts. So, if it doesn't matter what we do or don't do for the addict since they're going to do what they want, when they want, then why drive ourselves nuts when we don't have to?

Mind you, that sort of detachment doesn't mean you stop caring about that person. It just means that we accept they are what they are, and it frees us up to concentrate on doing the things we need to do to be healthy.

From the sounds of that, glitter, you're already doing a lot of that. Working out is good, but maybe you can crank up the intensity a bit. Maybe you and the kids can take a day trip somewhere on the weekend. Maybe you guys can go somewhere to eat you haven't been to in a while.

Your thoughts are your thoughts, and you're going to think about him. Just accept it, and deal with it as best you can.
zoso77 is offline  
Old 01-28-2015, 07:30 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 71
Good question. All that I know is that time heals all wounds. Just hope it doesn't take too long b c I hate feeling this way. Believe in yourself and do positive self talk.
Fate2012 is offline  
Old 01-28-2015, 07:41 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Joe Nerv's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
I'm an AA guy, but in my first 7 years of sobriety I needed a lot of help with relationships too. I went to alanon, coda, and acoa and feel I got a lot out of all of them. Went to an artists group called ARTS anonymous too, which I'm not sure exists anymore. I know you said there was just one group around you, but you might want to search for other types.

Going through the 12 steps and learning to incorporate them in my life has been the most beneficial thing I've ever done for myself.

I've also worked on myself through counseling, group therapy, changing my diet slowly over time. I like reading lots of inspirational books too. It's amazing how life altering they can be if we actually apply the things they say .
Joe Nerv is offline  
Old 01-28-2015, 08:06 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 120
My therapist says insight is great, but you have to do daily work. When my inner child starts with fear, I play wack a mole and shut down all negative talk and say the opposite in my mind. For example, everything is as it should be. I also repeat the serenity prayer to change my negative thought patterns.
Readreadread is offline  
Old 01-28-2015, 09:41 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Thank you all, I will def pray more and do more meetings. I keep reading here that meetings really helped the most. I will try to do more with the kids also and be kinder to myself.

I was doing fine, I prayed, thought about good things, went to sleep with a thought of what I can do to work on myself more. I heard a noise from my phone, an email came. I thought, well, maybe its work? I checked it out - its from my bank (well, my old bank, as i got my own account in a different bank now, but still maintain a join account with AH. This is because his paycheck should come through and I am supposed to transfer it to pay his bills). So, an email said that this account fell below $25. There was about $30 there, rehab said he doesn't need any money unless he needs to buy extra stuff then the card will be charged. On a way from detox to rehab he said they gave him the card and he bough cigarets on the way. Anyway, its late, why is his bank account goes below now? So I log in, and see 2 charges from Walmart supermart in Florida for like $9 something each. My heart starts pumping, I am freaking out, serenity gone, all that work on myself that I did today gone. Why is he in Walmart (and I looked of course because I am such a CIA agent, how far this walmart is from rehab, well its like 20 minutes). So why is his card being used in freaking walmart? I start thinking the worst. He left. He sneaked out and went to Walmart? How did he get there, are they allowed to leave like that from inpatient? I don't know, I have never been in inpatient. I hate this. Said serenity prayer like 10 times. I guess I will call and find out if he left. I don't know if I should ask about if they are allowed to leave and why he is in walmart? Or should i not say anything? Do I sound crazy? I feel like if I ask I might get him 'in trouble', but on the other hand, if he is causing trouble and doing something against the rules then, well, he is not recovering. Or is it non of my business?

This is what I hate the most. Everything is fine and then some stupid email turns my whole world upside down.
glitterdeva is offline  
Old 01-29-2015, 06:29 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Is he holding the card, or could someone else have used it?

My son was in rehab and could leave. He was in a long term program through the salvation army. He left for the work he was doing there, to go to meetings and had some free time too. He could grab smokes, get coffee or pick up whatever else he may have needed while out. I think he was there around 3 weeks before he was permitted to leave.

To your original question at times it takes practice and lot of it. In the beginning I set a rule I gave the insanity in my head I let myself generate because of my
husband's addiction have 5 minutes a day and that was it. I played out all the crazy then and consciously worked on keeping my thinking where it should be ... on me,
the kids, in the present and not in some future trip or what if scenario. My husband's addiction was first, so with my son I was better equipped.

I wrote in a journal a lot, writing helped me save myself. That was where I learned the most about me.
Step 4 was a huge help, it gave me a starting point to figure out why I was as I was. I volunteered ...
Everything from my new job, to the class I took, to the renovations I did along the way, to the meals I cooked to the people I spent time became part of my recovery.
It actually had to. I became was so closed off, internal, in my head, out of my mind, drinking, taking pills, and basically went down fast, mainly after I let go, but it
was very obvious that his addiction while not the reason was a nice fix...
The music faded out, my gardens were a mess, I wasn't building anything, or creating or reading. I was depressed, overwhelmed by anxiety and fear in the watching.

You'll find what works for you. I learned so much by reading boards like this. Was like a sponge taking it tricks and tips and tools others had found success in using.
Some worked, some didn't and I just kept pushing along.

Take good care.
incitingsilence is offline  
Old 01-29-2015, 07:57 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
CodeJob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Codependent No More. Whole chapters are highlighted in that book god help me!

Then when I finished it, I read it again.

I like Beattie's writing style so I also relied heavily on Language of Letting Go. That is posted here each day in F&F of Alcoholics thread!
CodeJob is offline  
Old 01-29-2015, 08:10 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 71
When my AH was in rehab he could leave-they would have to sign in and out. They could attend meetings and go out to eat. The center had random drug tests so if anyone tested positive they were kicked out of the program.
Fate2012 is offline  
Old 01-29-2015, 08:27 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Same when my XAH was in rehab. One fine day he called me and said they were eating at a local casino! I about fell over. They also went to WalMart sometimes.

My friend, I think that more meetings sounds good. I also think you are working on yourself and just don't realize it. Re-read your post. You are doing some good things for you. I know your mind is exhausted with worry. I wish I knew some magic to make that go away, and can only say that the more strength you gain, the more you will be able to push that away and focus on yourself.

Tight hugs.

Originally Posted by Fate2012 View Post
When my AH was in rehab he could leave-they would have to sign in and out. They could attend meetings and go out to eat. The center had random drug tests so if anyone tested positive they were kicked out of the program.
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 01-29-2015, 09:59 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
shinebright7's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by glitterdeva View Post
Hi, family. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. AH is in rehab and I am at the crossroads. I feel paralyzed almost. I do just the basics - work, do my class, take care of kids and dogs, don't really clean until it gets way to messy (no energy), workout a bit (helps me with depression), think about something positive every day (especially when I get sad thinking about AH or what he might be doing), I try to slow down, try not to yell and try not to be angry and bitter at AH (very hard). I hear a lot about "working on myself". Now, that he is gone, I have to work on myself. How do you guys do it? What do you do specifically to work on yourselves? How do you not think about your addicts? I find it so hard to even concentrate. Everything circles back to him.

oh, I went to an only nar-anon meeting in my area, which is 30 minutes away. It's once a week, well at least it's something.
My AH has been in a program since Monday. Today is day 4 and I haven't yet been able to do anything "productive" during the day. I'm just so glad he's gone! He's there from 8:30-3:15 and all I wanna do is lay around and veg and watch movies and pet my cat.

Last night at my Al-Anon meeting we read from one of the books about how God gives us 4 things: opportunity, ability, time, and desire. And that if we find ourselves lacking in any of these areas, we need to humbly accept our limitations.

This really hit home for me. Although I "should" be working, I can't right now. I'm just so exhausted and don't have the DESIRE as mentioned in that list. But what I do have is TIME.

Time while he is away to just regroup and rest -- and if that's all I can do right now, then can I accept it as a gift from my HP? I don't have the desire to work and engage with other things, but I do have time to take care of myself and rebuild my strength through resting and going to meetings sometimes.

I think it depends on what our needs are, but for me, working on myself right now means getting rest, making sure I eat good meals, drink water, etc. Some of the basics.

I am also thinking about Step 1 and reading stuff online about it. My life is definitely unmanageable. Can I also admit that I'm powerless over alcohol/drugs/people/places/things? That still needs to sink in more...but I'm not rushing it either.

If you ask yourself the question: What do I need? What do I want? (And let yourself answer with something that is not related to your AH) what answer do you get?

Maybe that's a way you could start working on yourself for now. Glad you have a meeting you can go to once a week and that you're here on SR, too.
shinebright7 is offline  
Old 01-29-2015, 05:21 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lily1918's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
keep in mind the way cards work. If you buy ciggarettes at 3pm, the charge doesnt go through at that time. It puts a hold on the card until the manager closes out the system at the end of the business day by doing what's called "running scripts"
Lily1918 is offline  
Old 01-29-2015, 09:39 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Thank you guys, I feel totally crazy today. I struggled all morning with - should I call or should I stay out, because IT IS NON OF MY BUSINESS. I want my peace, I am sick with this co-dependency to the point that..You know what I noticed today? It just hit me like a ton of bricks - how little time I have and how much I haven't done. For example, I do not read. It is so embarrassing, as I always tell myself, oh, I have no time. I asked myself today, what do I do (besides go to work and clean and cook). Nothing. My whole existence revolves around this man because there is ALWAYS something wrong with him, he needs to be saved. Just at the same time as all of this addiction stuff is going on, my career is going nowhere. So I am doing a certificate online and feel totally stupid. I realized that I want more and started looking in a better online school (can't really attend classes with all of this). Anyway, to get where I want to go I got to take GRE or GMAT. Oh, boy. Hello, I am almost 40 years old, I remember zero from math in school Anyway, I realized today that I have so LITTLE time to do what I want. I started (and I know that I will sound like a total ******) refreshing math on (khanacademy.org, its free!!!) and realized that I am sooooo behind.

Ok, what I am trying to say is that its so much fun. I never thought I would say it. I love learning all that stuff again. Makes me feel good about myself. And who knows, what if i do good on that test and get into a good program and get somewhere better at my job?

Sorry for rambling. It's just, I love AH, but this love is so 'limiting' if it makes sense. It doesn't make me grow, doesn't make me more then I am now, I am not learning and not moving because my whole world is consumed with saving AH. I am going in circles trying to save him and I will be 40 this year

As I thought this I got very mad (at myself mostly) and I decided to call the rehab and I talked to his therapist who said that they take them to Walmart twice a week. Here I am, a total crazy ass, turned my whole world upside down, thinking the worst. I don't want to feel this way and time is so precious So I will take all of your suggestions, I will do all the work that they tell me to do in Al-anon. Thank you!
glitterdeva is offline  
Old 01-30-2015, 07:08 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Glitter,
You sound so much better! You made me chuckle when you
spoke about the math thing...
I'm so glad that you are keeping the line of communication
open with the therapists at the rehab. This will come in handy
when and if you get some questionable/crazy phone calls from
your AH.
As far as that debit card/Walmart questions you had yesterday,
you got wonderful advice from SR and the explanation from the
rehab center. Did you notice how our minds get paranoid and go
half crazy when we start to second guess everything? This alone
drove me half crazy.
You have started, which is hard to do, to have a "plan"!! I wish I would
of done that sooner!
I hope you have a peaceful, under control, Friday, dear
Glitter!!! You are so worth it!! And we all care about
you!!! Someone mentioned the book "Codependent no more"
might be a good read?? "Addiction HATES it when we educate ourselves
about the disease. Maybe use knowledge as a strong tool, it did help me
to understand what was making me feel so sad and upset!!
Have a nice day and if you want, we have an online support
meeting tonight in the chat room, at 8pm CDT.
Anyway, keep up the hard work yet be kind and easy on yourself!!!
TF
Twofish is offline  
Old 01-31-2015, 08:09 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by Twofish View Post
Dear Glitter,
You sound so much better! You made me chuckle when you
spoke about the math thing...
I'm so glad that you are keeping the line of communication
open with the therapists at the rehab. This will come in handy
when and if you get some questionable/crazy phone calls from
your AH.
As far as that debit card/Walmart questions you had yesterday,
you got wonderful advice from SR and the explanation from the
rehab center. Did you notice how our minds get paranoid and go
half crazy when we start to second guess everything? This alone
drove me half crazy.
You have started, which is hard to do, to have a "plan"!! I wish I would
of done that sooner!
I hope you have a peaceful, under control, Friday, dear
Glitter!!! You are so worth it!! And we all care about
you!!! Someone mentioned the book "Codependent no more"
might be a good read?? "Addiction HATES it when we educate ourselves
about the disease. Maybe use knowledge as a strong tool, it did help me
to understand what was making me feel so sad and upset!!
Have a nice day and if you want, we have an online support
meeting tonight in the chat room, at 8pm CDT.
Anyway, keep up the hard work yet be kind and easy on yourself!!!
TF
I got "Codependent no more" and I am really enjoying it now. Just taking it one day at the time. My sister had a baby several days ago and I am just over the moon, her son is so precious. Life is beautiful regardless of this huge rock I am carrying. Someone from my past wrote a text message to see how I was doing (this woman I used to be friends long time ago). She indicated that we should all get together for dinner as long as AH was not there. I lost a group of friends when I married AH, this woman along with two others. I didn't respond. I think its not right, if you love someone and you are friends would you drop them from your life if their husband was using drugs? Anyway, just another day
glitterdeva is offline  
Old 01-31-2015, 09:02 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Glad to hear you're reading Codependent No More, that book helped me a lot! Recognized so much of my patterns in there, and the book gave me a new way of detaching--somehow I didn't realize that it was possible to detach *with love*. I had always detached in anger, which led to guilt and reattachment! Kept me stuck.

About your friend: maybe this is your HP working in mysterious ways, reconnecting you with old friends? The fact that she distanced herself might not be anything personal towards you; it might just be that she has learned over the years that she does not like being around active addicts. I think a boundary of not wanting to be around active addicts and the difficult relationships they tend to have is one that many people end up adopting to protect their own serenity. So maybe this is a chance while your AH is away to reconnect with this woman from the new place of serenity you are building for yourself?
jjj111 is offline  
Old 02-01-2015, 07:05 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by jjj111 View Post
Glad to hear you're reading Codependent No More, that book helped me a lot! Recognized so much of my patterns in there, and the book gave me a new way of detaching--somehow I didn't realize that it was possible to detach *with love*. I had always detached in anger, which led to guilt and reattachment! Kept me stuck.

About your friend: maybe this is your HP working in mysterious ways, reconnecting you with old friends? The fact that she distanced herself might not be anything personal towards you; it might just be that she has learned over the years that she does not like being around active addicts. I think a boundary of not wanting to be around active addicts and the difficult relationships they tend to have is one that many people end up adopting to protect their own serenity. So maybe this is a chance while your AH is away to reconnect with this woman from the new place of serenity you are building for yourself?
I don't know I am struggling with this. Three of my best friends turned away from me, totally dropped me from their lives. Well, actually the only friends that I had . One appologized several years later. I think it's wrong, we have been through so much together, I have supported my friends through it all - breakups, divorces, one of my friends husband sold drugs at the time . I hated the fact that she was married to such a person, but I would never drop her from my life , especially when she needs me the most. I don't know what to do I feel like there should be no conditions in love and friendship. Maybe I am wrong?
glitterdeva is offline  
Old 02-01-2015, 07:56 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
irisgardens's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
gitterdeca--I have asked that question too many times in my life--for me it finally came down to a majority of people are just uncomfortable and distance...the difficulty of the situations overwhelms them. Like you, the last moment I abandon or pull away from anyone is when they are in crisis--and I have supported many...but regardless...when I need help...there are very few of those people who reach back out...and so I don't think much about it anymore. Right now...after years of working to keep my family afloat, and getting healthier...I am getting silent treatment and avoidance again--they are all taking care of their needs and I can't change it...powerless over it. My family are all in denial and so I have become the 'identified patient' and they don't like it when I am weaker than I have been...and it shows through no support, emoting, blaming things on me and protecting dad...

Happy to have my therapist doe now and my first sponsor ever in naranon to reach out to. Have 3 friends who I can share from time to time...some things.

Thanks for the khanacademy.org suggestion--exciting and I just signed up.
irisgardens is offline  
Old 02-01-2015, 08:11 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
I do think this thing with your friends is an issue worth contemplating, glitter. Not everyone is willing to hang on to relationships no matter how much discomfort they cause. Some people develop boundaries designed to protect them from difficult and draining relationships. Some people come to believe that they have to protect themselves before they can be a good friend or lover to anyone else. I know it's hard to contemplate that your relationship with your husband has made involvement in your life look difficult or draining to people around you. But maybe the reappearance of this friend back into your life is an opportunity to consider the possibility of healthy boundaries, and to open your eyes to the fact that setting boundaries with someone does not mean that you no longer care about them? It sounds like she cares about you but finds your husband draining.
jjj111 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:17 PM.