Update on bf and feeling low

Old 01-28-2015, 02:45 PM
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Update on bf and feeling low

Hi Everyone,

I have been reading the posts for a few weeks without adding anything. It's been hard seeing how similar our situations are and how we are all coping with letting go. My emotions range from really low to where I feel like I am treading water....not where I want to be. Still going through the emotions and processing everything.

To recap: I left my opiate addict bf of 6 years in November. We lived together and even though we fought about this drug addiction, I love him very much.

I moved across the country to the East Coast to my family and support system. Joined Al Alon, CoDA, and found a therapist. And joined this group! SR has been incredible to fill in the holes and the advice has been great comfort when I feel overcome with anxiety and sadness. I also got a new number that was given to his best friend only. I know these are GREAT steps, but I am too numb to really embrace it.

I have felt some serious anger towards him: I had to uproot and move, his family was vicious to me, I am starting over from scratch. Real RAGE! And anger at myself: Accepting responsibility for my decisions, accepting my role as an enabler and codependent partner and trying to understand everything.

I Did not hear from bf for weeks and then found out he was in rehab. I was so proud of him and prayed that he would take it seriously and focus on himself and heal. I was also hurt that he or his family did not let me know he was safe. And was weeks went on, I was sad I had not heard from him. No email or anything. I have pushed forward and have listened to everyone: I have to focus on me and he must focus on him. It's been over a month since I have heard from him or anything about him. Which is real time, is nothing.

I found out today from his best friend that my bf left his sober living and no one knows where he is. I am sad for him, but so numb about everything. I am not sure how I feel. I did not speak to him at all while he detoxed and was in rehab. I don't even understand what sober living does or why he would leave without telling anyone. My understanding is that it is a transitional place to go before entering "real life"

I don't know even if I am part of his life anymore and if I should even care.

I don't know what I am looking for from our community here, but I want these feelings out in the universe and not on a repeating loop in my head.
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Old 01-28-2015, 03:24 PM
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I don't know what I am looking for in our little community, either.
She's been (all the way) gone for a very long time. Maybe I come here
so that something good comes out of this god awful disgusting crappy mess
that I am so ashamed I ALLOWED to breach the defenses of a VERY
well lived and successful life.

Maybe I am just here ......like a AAA (auto club) road guide full of useful
vignettes like "do not allow your children to pet wild wolverines".

Or even further back. The bible, for example. Whether you believe in the
supernatural or not.....or believe in talking snakes or not----you've got to admit
the snake was on to something when it said..........

"Take a pass on the apple, kid...........you'll thank me later!"
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Old 01-28-2015, 03:44 PM
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Well, do you believe that up to this point since your separation, you've made the correct decisions in terms of focusing on yourself?
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Old 01-28-2015, 05:01 PM
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Vale- Thank you, you made me laugh!

Zoso- No regrets about leaving and thankful to not have to deal with the fallout happening now. But still smarting from this sting....
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Old 01-28-2015, 05:28 PM
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Zoso- No regrets about leaving and thankful to not have to deal with the fallout happening now. But still smarting from this sting....
Well, there's nothing really wrong with that. Feeling the sting is OK. What you did, and what you're continuing to do, takes a lot of courage. You made a decision the status quo was untenable, you acted with authority by leaving, and now you're riding out the storm.

As far as his family goes, it needs to be said that addiction touches every family differently, and there is reason to suspect they aren't handling this well. The good news is that's not your problem, unless you choose to make it your problem.

Hold him close to your heart. Pray for him. But keep on keeping on, without him.
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Old 01-28-2015, 06:04 PM
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There is an old expression, "Don't look back, you're not going there". I think the "new beginnings" can only begin when we have made peace with the past and then there is no purpose in checking behind us when what is ahead of us is a fresh start.

It was what it was, and in your case, he hasn't changed and may not for quite some time, or if he is like my son he will continue in the revolving door of addiction/recovery/relapse...until there IS no recovery anymore.

I know it must hurt working through this and letting go of "what might have been" and I am glad you have support here and at your meetings to help you work through this in a healthy way.

Hug
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Old 01-28-2015, 07:36 PM
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Thank you, Ann. I feel a lot of shame and am understanding that I was in love with a mirage or an idea of a person I love, not who they really are.

I am sorry your son has caused you so much pain. Sending hugs to you.
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Old 01-29-2015, 06:00 PM
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sweetie, we ALL to some degree, build our partners up to be at least a bit more than what they really are. same with our children.....OUR child is the most perfect wonderful human ever born to the planet. a lot of that is just love.....we look for the good.

and sometimes, that "admiration" can blind us. we WANT Them to be wonderful, hell we NEED them to be wonderful.....because if we look too closely at the truth that accompanies addiction and/or abuse, then we have to look at OURSELVES. and if we look at ourselves, we have WORK to do.

so we focus on trying to fix THEM....if THEY get better, WE get better, right?

we can't fix them....never could. but we CAN fix ourselves. change, grow, gain new understanding.
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Old 01-29-2015, 08:43 PM
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AH- you said it perfectly! I loved him, so I needed him to be wonderful. To a degree I still need him to be perfect to somehow justify my staying and loving so long.

This site keeps me accountable to keep working on me and to keep moving forward.

Thanks everyone!
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Old 01-30-2015, 05:04 AM
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Hello Emmi,

Read your post. Just wanted you to know you aren't alone. You are doing so many things very bravely. A lot of humans aren't so motivated to do the hard inner assessment and make such drastic changes as you have. Be patient with yourself. Remember some of your feelings might be - NORMAL.

Peace, smiles and laughter for you today.
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Old 02-01-2015, 01:27 PM
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Thank you, CodeJob. Your words mean so much, even though I don't feel it yet.
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Old 02-01-2015, 02:14 PM
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Anvil wrote:
sometimes, that "admiration" can blind us. we WANT Them to be wonderful, hell we NEED them to be wonderful.....because if we look too closely at the truth that accompanies addiction and/or abuse, then we have to look at OURSELVES.
================================================== ================================
THAT was fantastic, Anvil.
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