Kboys

AH is still on probation for second DUI, and still has a lot to do in order to get his driver license back, and has to complete a jail sentence in a neighboring county.

His last arrest on October 3rd was for driving on a suspended license and violating probation, in our county. He missed Court for that a while back, so Deputies came to his work and arrested him again. He was booked and released and told to sign up for work release program by February 6th.

AH seems to think that if he just ignores all of this it will go away. I think he's probably forgotten about the Feb. 6th deadline. In the past, I have been the one to keep all the Court dates in my head, and drive him to Court, etc., but I've stopped doing that (which is why he missed last Court date).

I don't want to remind him about this upcoming deadline. He is a grown man and he should be able to take care of these things on his own.
But... I don't want him to be arrested again. Well, actually, if I'm honest, I would enjoy a break from him. But I don't want him to lose his job or whatever other negative consequenses it would cause for him.

Where is the line, in this case, between helping and enabling?

NWGRITS

This is his mess. It is his responsibly to be an adult and take care of his mess. He's not a toddler, and you're not his mother. This is not your responsibilty. Honestly, he needs to feel the consequences of his choices. Helping him out only delays the inevitable.

SparkleKitty

Not a silly question at all.

The problem is, YOU wanting to avoid negative consequences is not enough. There will always be another thing to remind him about. It's possible that ONLY negative consequences will be enough to encourage him to be more thoughtful and responsible about cleaning up his messes.

FireSprite

I think this one is pretty clear- ANY help from you to remind him of his adult consequences/ responsibilities is enabling.

If you are initiating the "help", it's enabling, IMO.

Thumper

It is not a silly question. These things are hard until we get more practice.

He's a fully grown adult. Just like you. He can keep track of his own personal obligations. Just like you. Doing it for him would be enabling, IMO.

Trying to save him from himself is enabling.

Sometimes I'd do things for my ex and turn around and expect more out of my 10yo. For real. I'd take great pains to get my 10yo to take care of his backpack and my ex couldn't get out the door without assistance or leaving something behind. I was not being helpful or making anything better. That was an illusion.

Sometimes I'd try and do or orchestrate things for my ex that if those things were done to or orchestrated for me - I'd be royally pissed off at the condescension or interference. That was clearly codependency run amok. He sucked it right up though and fought tooth and nail when I stopped but it bred as much resentment in him as it did in me.

Refiner

"Helping" him as you've been doing is definitely enabling him. Does he know how much jail time he's facing yet? A lawyer would tell him what to expect. You might just tell him (remind him?) that he's on his own, though... so he doesn't expect you to always be doing everything for him as before.

meggem

I've been in your place. There were plenty of times I didn't call the cops because in my mind, he might get arrested, he might lose his job it would be "my fault" because he's trying and I'm overreacting and maybe it's not that bad...and then we are down a paycheck and then I lose my house. My family would find out.

So I protected him.

I remember the incident before he went to rehab, I called the cops and whatever the outcome-- I.just.didn't.care.anymore. The need for it to be over became greater than the desire to hide it. I didn't even have any emotion when I dialed the phone. I had nothing left.

I didn't care what happened, I just knew I could not do this anymore. And I was done covering for him.

In April (post rehab, go figure). He broke a glass (or he "put it down too hard" that's what he said - the fact that he was angry didn't have anything to do with it I guess).

I swept up the glass and later on my then 5 year old stepped on a tiny piece and had a teeny tiny cut. She told my mom shortly thereafter that daddy broke a glass and she stepped on glass (honestly I'm not 100% sure if she knew it was a violent act, not that it matters but she was on the other side of the house and this was a "mini tantrum").

Anyway the point is that my mom said to me Meg, DD said... and she told me what my daughter said. And I said yup. He did. Didn't care.

So if I were you, I would try to stick to your "he's a grown man" instinct. That is the one you should listen to.

shil2587

For me, enabling is anything that makes it easier for them to continue drinking without consequence, thus enabling them to drink.

Hope that helps a bit. Sometimes a definition really helps me.

LifeRecovery

Kboys-

I agree with what everyone else wrote.

As I was trying to negotiate the questions you posed I realized how much I "did" without being asked by the person I did it for. How much I was trying to prevent a bad outcome by doing this....for another person and sacrificing myself in the process.

So my question for you is has he even asked for your "assistance" around this?

If I was asked I could then decided if it was something I wanted to take on.

This decision changed a lot of things for me in my life....positively.

lillamy

I think you actually know the answer to the question, and you're just asking because you need verification that you're thinking straight.

If he can't keep track of his own court dates, why should you? You're not the one who drove drunk.

Kboys

Thanks everybody, for making me feel better about what I already know
Just feeling guilty about knowing that he's forgotten (or maybe he hasn't...), and intentionally not just giving him a little nudge.

But I know it's not my responsibility, and no, he has never asked me to be his date keeper. Maybe just telling him, like Refiner said, that I am no longer going to do that for him, would ease my conscience.

He needs to sign up for 10 days on the work release program- or serve 10 days in jail if not - for the probation violation.
And for the DUI, he has a second 30 day sentence to serve (he was only in jail four days for the first 30-day sentence before they released him).

LexieCat

Alcoholics conveniently "forget" things all the time. I'm glad you aren't reminding him. It's his own responsibility, not yours.

You're doing great!

NWGRITS

You should never feel guilty for someone else's actions. You didn't force the alcohol down his throat and then force him to drive drunk at gunpoint. IMO, anyone who drives drunk NEEDS to go to jail and shouldn't ever be able to get out of it. It deserves a more serious consequence than just sitting in a cell, but that's what they get.

maia1234

Kboys- I agree with everyone else.

Let him be responsible for himself. I would not have to tell him that he needs to take responsibility for himself. He should already do that.

I know you shouldn't feel guilty about anything. He is an adult, you need to treat him like one.