Chuck39

I have been dreading writing this post. I drank after 23 days. And I am really angry about it. But I somehow knew this would happen. My only reward mechanism my entire adult life has been alcohol ... I literally have no idea how to function without it. I have been reading a lot of posts from others who have slipped up and empathising but I am definitely beating myself up over something I feel I have no control over. How many false starts must we endure? It is so depressing. When you feel so absolutely convicted to sobriety and are doing so good and then BAM ... you are right back where you started from. I feel totally defeated.

least

I had too many false starts to count. But with the support of my counselor and the good people here, I never gave up. I kept trying again. And I now have over five years sober! So don't give up. Change your program of sobriety and start again. Sooner or later you'll get it.

jazzfish

You don't have to endure even one more false start. You can stop forever, either one day at a time or forever. No matter what program you choose, you will need to make the choice to not drink and follow through on it.

Soberwolf

Hi Chuck relapse isnt inevitable there is always a choice

Have you got a sober plan bud to help you function without it ?

You can do this learn from it but dont beat yourself up too much the support is here for you Chuck

You stayed sober for 23 days you can do this

Flawed

Don't beat yourself up...easier said than done, I know. Every time I slipped, I just looked to see what led up to it and what I needed to change or add. At least you tried, and 23 days of sober time is not all lost. Keep going, you can do this!

blondsober

Get back on, it's easier every time! Sometimes I feel like a newby here 'cause I started two years ago, but so much good has come from it even though I slipped up a few times . . . Day 16 now and I'm feeling the love. Join the January 2015 group they are very positive and supportive.

Anna

Chuck, you can figure out a plan to reward yourself with something other than alcohol. How about a movie, dinner out, a music concert? Don't beat yourself up more because it will lead you back to drinking. Learn and move on. You can do this!

matilda123

((((Chuck))))) Sending you supportive thoughts.

And I really wanted to underscore your important insight: if we've "rewarded" with alcohol, we can't just take it away. We have to replace it with something else. This was my big epiphany this time with getting sober. Perhaps part of your sober plan could be figuring out some different rewards and/or when you feel like you need a reward. (For me, it was after a day when I had run myself ragged). I think planning these things out is so crucial until we can get some distance from alcohol and all those seemingly automatic responses/patters.

matilda123

That should have been patterns, not patters, although in the early days I swear it seemed like alcohol was chasing me down the hall

Jsbodhi

Tell me about it, been feeling pretty low the last couple days too

OnMyWay7

Chuck - I hope you stay with it - look for many and different support mechanisms and find the one for you.

Mentium

I too have had many (many) false starts. I am new at this again and trying to do it differently. What stood out for me in your post was" My only reward mechanism my entire adult life has been alcohol". I have felt like that in the past, but really when one thinks about it, how is poisoning oneself supposed to be a reward? And also - who says we deserve rewards to begin with! Good luck to you friend. And to me!

KateL

Been there. Please don't give up xx

Gonnachange

Right there with you as I drank last night. Your 23 days was much longer than my most recent stint so you know what to do. Join me in dusting ourselves off and starting a new streak.

PurpleKnight

Tweak your plan Chuck and go at things again, what is done is done, it can't be changed.

Acceptance that there is a choice in all of this is key, you don't HAVE to drink, there is nothing inevitable, Sobriety is a choice and with the right support and plan in place you can make it happen!!

You can do this!!

Chuck39

A million thanks for all your words of encouragement. I think I have figured something out ... I need a plan ... I know BIG epiphany right?! I jumped into this on Jan 1st and was just white knuckling it without a real clear sense of WTH I was doing. I assumed once I collected enough sober days all the puzzle pieces would magically come together and the big picture would be very clear to me. Obviously that didn't happen. So now I know I need to sit down and come up with a comprehensive strategy for battling this addiction. I suppose the stumbles are built in as natural eye openers. Feeling not so glum ... thank you all again.

Soberwolf

Well said chuck read this it is very useful http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

Hevyn

Chuck, It takes courage to come back and tell what happened. You could have stayed away, or never said anything. You obviously want to be honest and face this thing head on. Be proud of yourself for that - and never give up on having a better life.

clayton621

I've heard in many meetings people say, "I dont have a drinking problem, I have a thinking problem." And I found that simply not drinking by itself isnt enough. I have to learn how to change how I think. I.E drinking as a reward, drinking because I know I will be off work for 3 days, Drinking because I am playing a computer game...ect ect.