I think I can finally admit this to myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 306
I think I can finally admit this to myself
I don't love my husband anymore. Not in a husband and wife way. The hope for the fairy tale ending is over.
I'll never be able to trust him ever again no matter what he says or does, it will always be there.
He's almost 47 years old and a lifelong alcoholic, smokes pot daily, and his closest friends are girls half his age.
He has no problem lying to me and does so on a regular basis. He can't take a phone call with me in his presence. He puts a lock on his phone. I've told him and counselors have told him that he needs to be transparent on order for me to begin to trust him again. He sees this as an invasion of his privacy and resents it.
In a marriage retreat years ago he embarrassed me greatly by acting out and walking out. At marriage counseling when the subject turned to his drinking, he got up and walked out.
Ultimately he just gets better at hiding things.
You know, he's never sincerely apologized for majorly hurting me with the things he's done with other women, just calls me paranoid and insecure.
He bad mouths me to his family and has for years, they all hate me and I don't know why other than him bad mouthing me.
This last time e was drunk and at home berating me telling me I was nothing but a failure time and again at everything I've ever tried and that I was nothing but an anchor dragging him and everyone around me down. How there is no one here in Ky that cares about me any longer. How *I* am a pathological liar and and embellish the truth.....
He used to be a happy drunk, now in the past months he's become an angry and abusive drunk.
It really got to me. If these are things he feels and thinks, there is no way we have any kind of future. Even if he got sober tomorrow, it's all ruined.
Ruined beyond repair.
I'll never be able to trust him ever again no matter what he says or does, it will always be there.
He's almost 47 years old and a lifelong alcoholic, smokes pot daily, and his closest friends are girls half his age.
He has no problem lying to me and does so on a regular basis. He can't take a phone call with me in his presence. He puts a lock on his phone. I've told him and counselors have told him that he needs to be transparent on order for me to begin to trust him again. He sees this as an invasion of his privacy and resents it.
In a marriage retreat years ago he embarrassed me greatly by acting out and walking out. At marriage counseling when the subject turned to his drinking, he got up and walked out.
Ultimately he just gets better at hiding things.
You know, he's never sincerely apologized for majorly hurting me with the things he's done with other women, just calls me paranoid and insecure.
He bad mouths me to his family and has for years, they all hate me and I don't know why other than him bad mouthing me.
This last time e was drunk and at home berating me telling me I was nothing but a failure time and again at everything I've ever tried and that I was nothing but an anchor dragging him and everyone around me down. How there is no one here in Ky that cares about me any longer. How *I* am a pathological liar and and embellish the truth.....
He used to be a happy drunk, now in the past months he's become an angry and abusive drunk.
It really got to me. If these are things he feels and thinks, there is no way we have any kind of future. Even if he got sober tomorrow, it's all ruined.
Ruined beyond repair.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
I am so sorry you have lived with all this abuse.
But
I think you are a warrior! You show an amazing strength of spirit. I am in awe.
Keep being strong. Just a little longer and you can get out. Be safe.
Love and prayers,
Happy
But
I think you are a warrior! You show an amazing strength of spirit. I am in awe.
Keep being strong. Just a little longer and you can get out. Be safe.
Love and prayers,
Happy
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think this actually sounds like progress. Sometimes things ARE damaged beyond repair, and it's good to recognize that fact rather than sitting there with the glue trying to put pieces together that refuse to fit (something I've done many times with physical objects rather than people).
It can be a sad/upsetting thing to realize, but all the same, it's a step on the road to acceptance, which is necessary before you can make positive changes.
Hugs,
It can be a sad/upsetting thing to realize, but all the same, it's a step on the road to acceptance, which is necessary before you can make positive changes.
Hugs,
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Basically you and he are on a train and you know it's going to crash.
Wanna be around for the crash?
Help with the clean up?
Or get off the train now?
That's as simple as the decision needs to be.
Don't switch trains though (out of the frying pan and into the fire)
Just get off this one, if that's what you decide.
Wanna be around for the crash?
Help with the clean up?
Or get off the train now?
That's as simple as the decision needs to be.
Don't switch trains though (out of the frying pan and into the fire)
Just get off this one, if that's what you decide.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: oklahoma
Posts: 85
Oh my goodness that is awful! And I am so so so sorry. The whole aspect is unfair. And I don't think anything I can say will help because it's just a sad situation in general but I think there are other things out there. As much as it hurts and stuff to think about, even tho being with them (the alcoholic) is just comfortable sometimes I think we may get caught up in wanting the Disney scenario with the villains instead of the real functional loving people. I'll admit the thought of someone caring about me enough to slay evil and stand by my side forever is such a nice thought but sometimes it's just not the kind of people they are. And you know what else, I had that kind of person once. And I totally kicked him to the curb like an old sofa... For my A. He died 3 months later of cancer no one knew about. Sooo idk... There's things to do and people to meet life to live... It feels like death but it's not worth the fight if they aren't going to stop and realize that they are at fault.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Well, from my vantage point, I think it's time for you to formulate your "exit" strategy. And for that, I encourage you to rely on members who have been where you currently are, got through it, and lived to tell the tale.
What I suspect is when you drop the bomb, your AH will go postal.
And if you're into dark humor, as I am, you may find it funny how on the one hand, you're an anchor dragging him down, yet on the other hand, he won't want you to leave.
What I suspect is when you drop the bomb, your AH will go postal.
And if you're into dark humor, as I am, you may find it funny how on the one hand, you're an anchor dragging him down, yet on the other hand, he won't want you to leave.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Pink--
You know what? I felt a real sadness to your post- but I also sensed a kind of "relief" (?)
It's kind of like you just don't have it in you to deny the extent of the problem anymore and not in denial about what it is doing to YOU.
I felt that way too. Just finally got so worn down that I just couldn't defend the relationship anymore. I just couldn't. I finally admitted that I was being treated so bad and it was just getting worse. No amount of talking, changing myself, silent treatment...nothing was making it better.
You have admitted to not really loving your H anymore. And I think that is very courageous.
I'll admit- I went to a bank today to inquire about a savings account for me...just in case.
It's OUR life girlie--- do what's best for YOU. This man is the one who is losing- not you.
You know what? I felt a real sadness to your post- but I also sensed a kind of "relief" (?)
It's kind of like you just don't have it in you to deny the extent of the problem anymore and not in denial about what it is doing to YOU.
I felt that way too. Just finally got so worn down that I just couldn't defend the relationship anymore. I just couldn't. I finally admitted that I was being treated so bad and it was just getting worse. No amount of talking, changing myself, silent treatment...nothing was making it better.
You have admitted to not really loving your H anymore. And I think that is very courageous.
I'll admit- I went to a bank today to inquire about a savings account for me...just in case.
It's OUR life girlie--- do what's best for YOU. This man is the one who is losing- not you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 30
It seems to me that he is talking about himself with all those insults...how he really sees himself. My XRABF used to make comments that he felt he might be bad for women that cared about him,that his addiction could be so destructive to those who got too close.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
I know you don't feel it at the moment, but I heard a lot of strength in your post. It really does take a lot of strength and courage to finally see what is real in our relationship with an A. I think your post is the beginning of a lot of healing on the road to much happiness in the future. Hugs friend, you're going to make it!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
It's hard to move on from the status quo, but you sound ready now. Make your plans quietly and feel the power.
As for him, I wonder if his 'friends' think of him the same way as he thinks of them? Don't take it on face value, or on what he says. Once he's 'free' of you (IOW you've found freedom) it might not be quite what he expects.
As for him, I wonder if his 'friends' think of him the same way as he thinks of them? Don't take it on face value, or on what he says. Once he's 'free' of you (IOW you've found freedom) it might not be quite what he expects.
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