hereshoping15

Is that there is no problem that is small? There is no chance that in one try he can and will quit drinking for good. That waiting to see what happens means he will disappoint me and break my heart...be it in three days or three years?

You guys have all been down this road. I don't want to discount anything you are saying. I believe you all have seen the worst of this disease and felt more pain than I ever care to experience.

Truth is I'm already exhausted just trying to figure out if I should stick by him as a friend. I want to...I really do. Because without the drinking I think he is a wonderful person and he deserves someone to stick by him...I believe we all deserve that and I know that courtesy has been extended to me in my lifetime.

The other truth is I know that I can't live my life waiting day by day to see if he will stick to it. Waiting on pins and needles for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to see if tomorrow is the day that my life and his will implode! I guess I'd really be a fool to sign up for that.

UGH...I'm so frustrated and ANGRY! Really angry. Really really angry.

I guess I know the answer to my questions and it's really not such a huge mystery at all. Now to find the resolve to let him know that I've reconsidered and I can't even be his friend.

dandylion

hereshoping...I just l eft you a post about friends on your other thread....

dandylion

Timeiskey

Here,

I have found that in my own path to recovery- as someone who is Codependent- that the issue wasn't really my exABF. After all, I didn't cause his drinking, I can't control it, and I most certainly can't cure him. Turning my attention onto myself has been a painful and tough road. However, it is one that I have found is worth traveling.
No one can tell you what is going to happen with your ex. No one has that crystal ball. But, I do know that if you are waiting around for him to get better, understand that will only really happen when he is ready to do it for himself.
I am sorry that you are going through all this. Keep posting here. Attend Al Anon and try to take comfort in your healthy actions. HUGS.

Jupiters

You know the answer
Not an easy choice - but you're only 6 weeks in and exhausted and tired.
You obviously are a nice and caring person, or else you wouldn't even be here asking these hard questions.
but yah, my honest opinion (and that's all it is ) - walk away from this one. Save yourself.

shil2587

None of us 'know' that he won't succeed first time. All we are saying is that, with our As, they haven't succeeded.

So that leaves you a choice. All you know is what he is today, right now Is that enough for you? Your posts suggest not. If it's not what you want, then it's not what you want.

I make the choice to stay because, at the moment, we are good for each other and there is no abuse or manipulation. But if that changes, I hope I will have the strength to leave. Are you getting what you.need and want from this guy, now?

Timeiskey

Six weeks...I wish I hadn't ignored the red flags six weeks in. I did though. I ignored at six weeks, two months, three months and on and on until I was literally pushed up against the wall, eye to eye with the vast emptiness that was the alcohol's possession of the man I thought I loved. It was only then, looking past his vacant eyes to the litter of bottles behind him that I realized that this was a red flag that I could not ignore...

Jupiters

a person on here once said to me "when in doubt, don't"

hopeful4

Plan and expect for the worst, hope for the best.

I think you have your own answer. I am sorry. Hugs.

FireSprite

Like Lexi mentioned in your other thread, staying quit is way harder than quitting when it comes to addiction.

My RAH stayed sober for 2 years before a one-night relapse, which sounds manageable except....... staying dry didn't fix all of his underlying issues. When people drink to numb emotional pain, all that unfinished business has to be addressed at some point for them to progress in recovery. RAH did none of that for 2 years, he just ran in circles differently for a while. Many of his behaviors continued (lying, etc.) until after he relapsed & realized he hadn't really been recovering at all. He's now a year past his relapse & only just getting to the core issues, it all got triggered & bubbled up over the holidays.

At 6 weeks into a relationship, there is NO WAY I would knowingly sign up to watch somebody go through all of this. He'll change significantly during recovery if he embraces it completely, so in a way you don't really know him right now. You know the addict, but not the True Him hiding inside.

That doesn't mean that you can't have a healthy relationship in the future after he gets himself straightened out & if you're still interested in the person that he is. But why strap yourself to him now? In early recovery he'll need to focus on himself 110%, all day, every day, for his best chance at success.

LexieCat

Yes, people can get sober on their first try. I did. And my first husband pretty much did (after a month or so of trying to do it on his own, he's been sober for 35 years). HOWEVER, that usually happens when someone has already concluded s/he wants to be done with drinking, not because someone has asked him or her to get sober, or is threatening to break it off.

How much do you really KNOW about this guy, apart from what he has told you? Do you know his family, his friends? What can they tell you about his drinking history? Has he attempted recovery before? Been in legal trouble or lost jobs because of his drinking?

You probably don't know enough, at this point, whether he is actually an alcoholic who is motivated to recover, or whether he is simply an obnoxious drunk (they aren't the same thing). Most people, though, when they have bad experiences as a result of drinking, dial it back or quit on their own.

It's the "soulmate" thing that really concerns me the most, though, because it will tend to make you look at the situation in a less than realistic way. At the very least, I'd put the brakes on the relationship big-time until you know a lot more about what you might be letting yourself in for.

hereshoping15

I definitely believe in the words "getting sober is easier than staying sober". I guess that's the part that scares me the most.

hereshoping15

I do not know his family. They live all the way across the country. I do know that neither of his parents were drinkers and that his brothers drink socially. I have met quite a few of his friends and they think the world of him. They watch out for him a lot and genuinely seem to want what is best for him. The few times I met them they all seemed to like me and gave their approval. Yeah for me I guess!

Drinking has never caused him to lose a job. He's been in the Military (a pilot) for the last seven years and just got out this week (honorably...it was due to his equipment being retired. They gave him the choice of getting out or getting re-classed with a different aircraft). He opted to get out because he is pursuing his dream of becoming a commercial pilot. He's currently in flight school earning earning his fixed wing rating and is doing well. So I can feel fairly certain when I say it's not affecting his career, his goals or ambitions. He's very much chasing after the things he wants.

He told me he never tried to stop drinking before because until now he never thought he was losing anything by drinking. I don't know if that's good or bad but that's what he said. There have been times over the last 7 years when he has quit due to being deployed (11 months) and during his military training when he was not allowed to drink. He said it was never a problem. Again, I don't know if that's true but I haven't found him to be a liar in regards to anything he's told me. So I tend to take him at his word. Maybe that makes me naïve. Wouldn't be the first time!!!!

Thanks again, all of you...for the words of wisdom and the insight. I respect everyone's opinion. I was happy to share my story and get a different perspective. I certainly got that!!!! And I thank you all for it.

TerpGal

Hey there hereishoping. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and know what you want/dont want. I will tell you from experience that trying to maintain a platonic relationship after an intense, New romantic relationship is difficult as hell. Well before I met RAH I fell madly head over heels for this guy. I was 19. Same deal, "love at first sight". We dated for a few weeks and then he drops a bomb that he can't be in a serious relationship because he was studying abroad in England the next semester and didn't want to leave in a serious relationship. That's fine said I, we can still be friends. Except we never WERE friends. I held my resolve for a while. Resisting his advances and keeping things on a platonic level. Unfortunately, my romantic feelings for him were far from gone. I gave in after about a month and wound up in a very dysfunctional "friends with benefits" relationship with him that swallowed up 2 years of my life (I was even "the other woman" when he came back from England with a girlfriend from another school-shocker, right?). Today 2 years doesn't seem that long but in College years-that is an ETERNITY. And there was no alcohol complicating things. So just beware Hon, and protect your heart. If you truly just want to be there for him as a friend, I would put some distance between you for now, until that last vestige of romantic attachment is gone.

dandylion

hershoping...I have known quite a few pilots and his background story rings a bit shakey in some places, to me.

You say that this is a friendship...but, I also wonder if you are not trying to "fool" yourself so that you can hold on to him....."save" him.....and feel like he won't leave you because he is indebted and needs you.
If he has so many friends who are supportive to him as you say that they are...he doesn't need you to turn yourself inside out on his behalf.

I must say you sound like you have the motivations more of a hopeful girlfriend than a platonic friend.

I advise you to step way back and look at this situation objectively.

dandylion

CelticZebra

I agree with the other posters....
Why do you feel the need to have this man's 'friendship'?
Sounds like you could be getting off the hook very lightly.
Your life, your choice

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

hereshoping15

I don't need his friendship...I enjoy his friendship. I don't know that I need any of my friends even ones I've had for decades. But I love them all dearly and will do anything I can to help any one of them at a moments notice.

There is more to him than just being an alcoholic. As I stated before, we spent a lot of time together in just 6 weeks and alcohol wasn't always a factor. I feel like I got to know him on a much deeper level, and let him know me the same way. Whether it was 6 weeks or 6 months....I definitely enjoy his friendship. I enjoy our long talks, our hysterical laughter, listening to music together, shopping, trying new restaurants, etc. I was off work for three weeks when we first met and we spent a large majority of that time together. It wasn't just a night here or a dinner there....it was days on end. I'm not sure why I'm explaining all this...I'm sure I sound like I'm in pure denial and just making excuses for both of our bad behavior and judgment.

I'm not perfect! I don't have years of experience with this. I'm in a foreign land here. I haven't spent years in the trenches of hell. Just wanted some insight and perspective. I got it!

Thanks for the input.

GabrielleSolis1

Nobody here or elsewhere can predict exactly what will happen, but to break it down you have only two choices- either you go ahead with him, armed with what you know already, or you walk away. But if you choose the first option- don't think you haven't been warned.

I hope you make the right decision. I, personally, would rather poke my own eyes with red hot pokers than go through that again (relationship with an alcoholic). I would never, ever, ever put myself through that ever again for all the money in the world.

CelticZebra

sorry, my mistake days?? why make excuses for his bad behaviour towards your family? I'm sure there's nothing wrong with his judgement hmmmm I don't believe anyone is. I'm sorry if I sound so harsh, that was not, and never is my intention. I Just wanted to warn you how easily 'days on end' can lead to 'years in the trenches of hell' I hope your relationship with this man has a happy outcome for you both and my cynicism will be taught a lesson. I also hope that I haven't put you off SR It's a great place to research the topic of alcohol addiction. Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

LovesBulldogs79

Dear Hereshoping15,

I'm pretty new to this forum, but reading your story (and the other thread), makes me think that I wish I had more seriously paid attention to the red flags that my ABF exhibited or even straight out TOLD me! We fell in love VERY quickly; I felt the same way you do - that we were practically soul mates if not just nearly perfectly matched! And the horrible part is that I think we still are...but he can't stop drinking and I'm 6 months pregnant. The pain that has come with knowing that he may never be able to stop drinking and become the father/husband he wants and promises me he will be, is really too much. If I had put the brakes on our relationship 4 years ago, I would have been over him by now. Instead I didn't listen to the voices telling me "this could go very badly..." and here we are! But I certainly would never judge you for continuing the relationship. I certainly didn't listen. The person he was was too much of a draw for me and I fell in love.

NWGRITS

He could get sober, but are you willing to spend the rest of your life with the knowledge that he could start drinking again (and is more likely to than not)? You are super invested in someone you don't even know, and that's enough of a red flag for me to say, "Stop, find out who you are and what you want out of life". And of course his friends think the world of him. Would your friends tell people, "Wow, she's a real b****. Isn't that great?!?"

As far as the pilot thing goes, watch the movie Flight with Denzel Washington. It's based on a true story. Being successful does not make one immune to the progressive disease of alcoholism.