Ok, so I'm writing him a letter...because I'm pretty bad at talking lol
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Ok, so I'm writing him a letter...because I'm pretty bad at talking lol
I wrote a rough draft of a letter for AH outlining my boundaries, and voicing my concerns about his drinking and how it's affecting me and our family. I don't know how loving a compassionate I should be, or how much I should say about what I want to happen(him stopping drinking, working a program, etc). This is what I have so far:
Dear AH,
I need to write this letter to tell you what I've been feeling because you and I both know I am not very good at expressing myself in conversation.
I want to make it clear that I am both bothered and worried by your drinking. I am bothered because your alcoholism is affecting all of our lives negatively. DD does not deserve to be exposed to drinking in general, not your lack of involvement when you are drunk or sober. She does not deserve to watch her father kill himself, and she does not deserve to have odds stacked against her to become an alcoholic herself because one of her parents chooses that life.
I am also bothered by the fact that on multiple occasions, the last of our money has been used to buy beer and/or cigarettes instead of on DD. At those times we have had to ask my mom to buy her diapers and milk, and no parent should ever choose their own vices over their child's needs.
I am worried because I know you have something going on with your health, even though you won't swallow your pride and tell me. Do you want us to find you dead somewhere because you were too selfish to go to the doctor? I am also worried because you are becoming increasingly distant, and you have getting irritated much more easily in recent months.
So, moving past that, I am implementing boundaries for myself. These are for me, not to tell you what to do, but so I have solid guidelines for reactions to these circumstances.
1. I will not sleep in the same bed or have sex with you(I didn't know if I should put 'you' or 'anyone who has been drinking') when you've been drinking.
2. I will not use money I earned to buy alcohol or cigarettes, and I will not longer make 'beer runs'.
3. I will not spend time with or expose DD to an active alcoholic(I originally put I wouldn't when you've been drinking, but I like the active alcoholic better).
4. I will not go out in public or to events with an active alcoholic.
These are my boundaries. I can change or add to these at any time, with or without your knowledge, at any time because I am the only one who controls my actions, DD's actions, and the consequences of those actions.
I do love you, but I am not willing to let your disease control our family anymore.
Dear AH,
I need to write this letter to tell you what I've been feeling because you and I both know I am not very good at expressing myself in conversation.
I want to make it clear that I am both bothered and worried by your drinking. I am bothered because your alcoholism is affecting all of our lives negatively. DD does not deserve to be exposed to drinking in general, not your lack of involvement when you are drunk or sober. She does not deserve to watch her father kill himself, and she does not deserve to have odds stacked against her to become an alcoholic herself because one of her parents chooses that life.
I am also bothered by the fact that on multiple occasions, the last of our money has been used to buy beer and/or cigarettes instead of on DD. At those times we have had to ask my mom to buy her diapers and milk, and no parent should ever choose their own vices over their child's needs.
I am worried because I know you have something going on with your health, even though you won't swallow your pride and tell me. Do you want us to find you dead somewhere because you were too selfish to go to the doctor? I am also worried because you are becoming increasingly distant, and you have getting irritated much more easily in recent months.
So, moving past that, I am implementing boundaries for myself. These are for me, not to tell you what to do, but so I have solid guidelines for reactions to these circumstances.
1. I will not sleep in the same bed or have sex with you(I didn't know if I should put 'you' or 'anyone who has been drinking') when you've been drinking.
2. I will not use money I earned to buy alcohol or cigarettes, and I will not longer make 'beer runs'.
3. I will not spend time with or expose DD to an active alcoholic(I originally put I wouldn't when you've been drinking, but I like the active alcoholic better).
4. I will not go out in public or to events with an active alcoholic.
These are my boundaries. I can change or add to these at any time, with or without your knowledge, at any time because I am the only one who controls my actions, DD's actions, and the consequences of those actions.
I do love you, but I am not willing to let your disease control our family anymore.
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In my experience, expressing concern either triggered something good or made my situation worse. Don't be too disappointed if you don't get the reaction you want. At the end of the day you both have choices to make. Actions will speak louder than words.
Just femember, know matter what...Take care of you and your DD!
Just femember, know matter what...Take care of you and your DD!
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Join Date: May 2014
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I'm not going to expect anything. Usually though, when I bring up any concern(rarely) about anything, he goes on the defense and tries to turn it around on me. Which is another reason I wrote it. This way, I get out everything I want to talk about and I don't have to respond if he turns it on me. Now I'm just trying to decide if I should give it to him face to face, or leave it at home so he sees it before I get home?
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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I think the top part is unnecessary. The bottom part sort of explains where you are.
Look at this part as the letter:
"I am implementing boundaries for myself. These are for me, not to tell you what to do, but so I have solid guidelines for reactions to these circumstances.
1. I will not sleep in the same bed or have sex with you(I didn't know if I should put 'you' or 'anyone who has been drinking') when you've been drinking.
2. I will not use money I earned to buy alcohol or cigarettes, and I will not longer make 'beer runs'.
3. I will not spend time with or expose DD to an active alcoholic(I originally put I wouldn't when you've been drinking, but I like the active alcoholic better).
4. I will not go out in public or to events with an active alcoholic.
These are my boundaries.
I do love you, but I am not willing to let your disease control our family anymore."
To say you can add at anytime without his knowledge sort of creates an "I can control you by this".
Instead try and list all known conditions that you will not be a part of and try and make the first list the best list.
If one needs to be added, identify it as soon as it happens, in his presence, so there is no later armchair arguments he has time to formulate.
Look at this part as the letter:
"I am implementing boundaries for myself. These are for me, not to tell you what to do, but so I have solid guidelines for reactions to these circumstances.
1. I will not sleep in the same bed or have sex with you(I didn't know if I should put 'you' or 'anyone who has been drinking') when you've been drinking.
2. I will not use money I earned to buy alcohol or cigarettes, and I will not longer make 'beer runs'.
3. I will not spend time with or expose DD to an active alcoholic(I originally put I wouldn't when you've been drinking, but I like the active alcoholic better).
4. I will not go out in public or to events with an active alcoholic.
These are my boundaries.
I do love you, but I am not willing to let your disease control our family anymore."
To say you can add at anytime without his knowledge sort of creates an "I can control you by this".
Instead try and list all known conditions that you will not be a part of and try and make the first list the best list.
If one needs to be added, identify it as soon as it happens, in his presence, so there is no later armchair arguments he has time to formulate.
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Thank you! Originally I was going to do basically what you suggested, but I didn't know if I should just be blunt and to the point with the boundaries or explain. I really have never expressed much concern over his drinking.
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Originally Posted by Mimi9013 
Thank you! Originally I was going to do basically what you suggested, but I didn't know if I should just be blunt and to the point with the boundaries or explain. I really have never expressed much concern over his drinking.
It really does require that he is aware of your concerns of his lifestyle. You can't just lay a list of boundaries out of the blue.
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If your boundary is that you won't spend time with an "active alcoholic" that means you are leaving NOW. If that's what you mean, fine, but it doesn't sound to me like you mean that. An active alcoholic is any alcoholic who isn't in recovery. It sounds to me as if what you MEAN is that you won't be around him, or expose your daughter to him, while he's drinking.
Think about what your ACTUAL boundaries are. If he doesn't get sober, then maybe at some point you will be unwilling to spend time with an "active alcoholic" but for right now it sounds as if you are intending to stay with him. So don't make statements until/unless you are willing to back them up.
And I'm pretty sure the reason why you "like the sound of" the words "active alcoholic" is that you want him to accept the fact that that's what he is. But he can come to that realization on his own.
Think about what your ACTUAL boundaries are. If he doesn't get sober, then maybe at some point you will be unwilling to spend time with an "active alcoholic" but for right now it sounds as if you are intending to stay with him. So don't make statements until/unless you are willing to back them up.
And I'm pretty sure the reason why you "like the sound of" the words "active alcoholic" is that you want him to accept the fact that that's what he is. But he can come to that realization on his own.
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I think it's a good first draft and very useful for you to get your concern on paper. But I think it's too hard sounding for a first discussion about the issue. I wouldn't make any major changes, but I would soften the wording. For example, rather than 'I am.bothered by .....' Put 'when x happens/you do y, I am affected because.'
Just because you and he haven't talked about this yet and I think it would only lead to a big fight in its current wording.
Just because you and he haven't talked about this yet and I think it would only lead to a big fight in its current wording.
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I mean, he knows I don't like his drinking. I've told him like I feel like he's just checked out and we are invisible when he drinks. I've told him that I don't really like having sex when he's drink. I've also voiced concerns over his health and that I think his drinking is killing him. I've just never let him know so adamantly that his drinking is causing major problems in our life. When he 'didn't drink for a week', it was a result of me bringing up the fact that he puked blood. I've never threatened to leave because of his drinking or anything, but I have gotten upset with him for getting so drunk he couldn't stand up at family functions and at friends bbq's, and begged him, to no avail, for him not to get drunk at our wedding.
Obviously what I'm doing isn't helping me, it's just making my life miserable because I don't do anything when he treats me that way, or acts that way, or does what he promised he wouldn't, or whatever the case.
I don't want to get a divorce, and I will exhaust every option I can until that is the only one left. I feel like this is the next logical step, placing boundaries to protect myself and our daughter. If it's not though, please give me some ideas of what I can do next. Thank you all so much for the guidance and support I receive here.
Obviously what I'm doing isn't helping me, it's just making my life miserable because I don't do anything when he treats me that way, or acts that way, or does what he promised he wouldn't, or whatever the case.
I don't want to get a divorce, and I will exhaust every option I can until that is the only one left. I feel like this is the next logical step, placing boundaries to protect myself and our daughter. If it's not though, please give me some ideas of what I can do next. Thank you all so much for the guidance and support I receive here.
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Oh, I know! It's like every six months or so we get in an argument, and I bring it up, as well as his past 'talking to other women'(I almost forgot about that one), and he's like why do you keep bringing it up, and I always say because you've done it more than once. His excuse the first time is he was drunk...really, no ****, you were drunk?
So, instead of arguing and nothing ever changing, I figured this would be my next step, so at least I can change something!
So, instead of arguing and nothing ever changing, I figured this would be my next step, so at least I can change something!
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So, let me push you a bit here. You say Then why are you giving him the letter?
Your AH sounds like my ex -- impossible to have a conversation with, because anything I said was turned around against me. I understand the wish to communicate how he is destroying his family; I understand the wish to communicate your boundaries -- but if you don't expect anything from giving him the letter... why give it to him?
Is it because you want to make sure that you have told him this, so that he can't say "I had no idea you were unhappy" when you tell him "I'm done being married to an alcoholic?" Or is it that somewhere, you hope the letter will bring him to his senses so that he seeks help?
You don't have any responsibility to answer -- I'm just wondering if somewhere, you do hope that the letter will make a difference?
I'm not going to expect anything.
Your AH sounds like my ex -- impossible to have a conversation with, because anything I said was turned around against me. I understand the wish to communicate how he is destroying his family; I understand the wish to communicate your boundaries -- but if you don't expect anything from giving him the letter... why give it to him?
Is it because you want to make sure that you have told him this, so that he can't say "I had no idea you were unhappy" when you tell him "I'm done being married to an alcoholic?" Or is it that somewhere, you hope the letter will bring him to his senses so that he seeks help?
You don't have any responsibility to answer -- I'm just wondering if somewhere, you do hope that the letter will make a difference?
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I do hope the letter will make a difference. But I'm not expecting it to. I guess I'm doing it so he knows what going on, and realizes I'm getting stronger and getting help at my meetings. I'm expecting things from myself, but if I don't expect anything from him, I guess it leaves me less room to be horribly disappointed if I don't get a happily ever after fairy tale life.
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Originally Posted by Mimi9013
1. I will not sleep in the same bed or have sex with you(I didn't know if I should put 'you' or 'anyone who has been drinking') when you've been drinking.
I also thought that I was horrible at verbally communicating with AXH - specifically because he always misunderstood things I was trying to say. He'd say, "But you said x," when what I'd really said was "y" or even "Not x". I actually initially started counseling to try to learn how to communicate with him. My T told me that she found me to be clear and easy to understand, and that my problem communicating with AXH most likely didn't lay in what I was saying, but in either how he chose to interpret it or how the alcohol filtered what he heard. Either way, no matter what I said, he wasn't likely to hear it the way I meant it. He'd either hear it the way he wanted so he could justify drinking and/or being angry or he just wouldn't hear it clearly because of his drinking.
Take gentle care of yourself and your DD.
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If you do this, say what you mean and mean what you say. And only say it once. Just like he would have to show you actions, you would have to do the same.
When I stopped making threats, laid out my boundaries once, then started sticking to them w/out talking to him about it, that is when I knew I was changing.
XXX
When I stopped making threats, laid out my boundaries once, then started sticking to them w/out talking to him about it, that is when I knew I was changing.
XXX
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Uncertainty- I was thinking the exact same thing about him turning into me cheating, which I've never done to anyone, let alone my husband. But I know since he has shown unfaithfulness(not physically, but was getting emotionally attached), the guilty is usually the accuser.
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Id also be careful about language.
Personally I'd be putting "I will not...with YOU". He doesnt need to know what your boundary would be if you were to be with someone else. It could be quite provacative - and if you want him to HEAR you dont distract him in this way. If he wants to be distracted he will be anyway - but I would feel provoked if my RAH gave me a letter using language like that (but then again this might be my own stuff).
Also - be careful about what boundary you are actually putting in place and really question whether you are prepared to follow through.
In reading these boundaries, and if you intend to follow through - then tomorrow when you wake up - and he's not pursuing active recovery, you will not be spending time with him, your dd will not see him, and you certainly wont be going out in public with him (given #3 preculdes you from spending time - then #4 is unnecessary).
If what you mean is "I wont spend time with you when you are drunk", but that you are ok spending time with him when he is not drunk (but not in recovery or trying to maintain sobriety) then you should say exactly that "I wont spend time with you when you are drunk".
I learned that in my situaiton I would sometimes do things like writing letters hoping to effect change/. In reality the only thing that influenced change was when I enforced my boundary, and didnt back down, as hard and as horrible as it was. And I enforced my boundary for the right reasons - I did so not for one minute thinking he would change - I had just got to the point where I realised I couldnt do this to myself or my kids anymore. The fact that he did then pursue recovery is great - but an aside as far as I am concerned.
I am still realy clear in my boundary. I will not, and will NEVER live with an active alcoholic again. My kids will not and will NEVER be put into the care of an active alcoholic again. He is clear that his choice is his choice, and mine is mine to make. This means if he drinks again, and stops pursuing recovery, I am gone. It doesnt mean that I'll stick around for the times he is not drunk.
Also my boundaries came bit by bit. I did start with - I wont be around you when you are drunk and neither will the kids. My enforcing of this led to me redefining that boundary and sticking to it. My first boundary quickly escalated the issues. So in enforcing boundaries things might SEEM worse before they get better - I had to keep my eye on the big picture, as it felt like my actions were making his drinking worse - and I had to let go of that notion pretty quickly. Only he was making his drinking worse.
Bets of luck.
Personally I'd be putting "I will not...with YOU". He doesnt need to know what your boundary would be if you were to be with someone else. It could be quite provacative - and if you want him to HEAR you dont distract him in this way. If he wants to be distracted he will be anyway - but I would feel provoked if my RAH gave me a letter using language like that (but then again this might be my own stuff).
Also - be careful about what boundary you are actually putting in place and really question whether you are prepared to follow through.
In reading these boundaries, and if you intend to follow through - then tomorrow when you wake up - and he's not pursuing active recovery, you will not be spending time with him, your dd will not see him, and you certainly wont be going out in public with him (given #3 preculdes you from spending time - then #4 is unnecessary).
If what you mean is "I wont spend time with you when you are drunk", but that you are ok spending time with him when he is not drunk (but not in recovery or trying to maintain sobriety) then you should say exactly that "I wont spend time with you when you are drunk".
I learned that in my situaiton I would sometimes do things like writing letters hoping to effect change/. In reality the only thing that influenced change was when I enforced my boundary, and didnt back down, as hard and as horrible as it was. And I enforced my boundary for the right reasons - I did so not for one minute thinking he would change - I had just got to the point where I realised I couldnt do this to myself or my kids anymore. The fact that he did then pursue recovery is great - but an aside as far as I am concerned.
I am still realy clear in my boundary. I will not, and will NEVER live with an active alcoholic again. My kids will not and will NEVER be put into the care of an active alcoholic again. He is clear that his choice is his choice, and mine is mine to make. This means if he drinks again, and stops pursuing recovery, I am gone. It doesnt mean that I'll stick around for the times he is not drunk.
Also my boundaries came bit by bit. I did start with - I wont be around you when you are drunk and neither will the kids. My enforcing of this led to me redefining that boundary and sticking to it. My first boundary quickly escalated the issues. So in enforcing boundaries things might SEEM worse before they get better - I had to keep my eye on the big picture, as it felt like my actions were making his drinking worse - and I had to let go of that notion pretty quickly. Only he was making his drinking worse.
Bets of luck.
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