hereshoping15

I've been lurking on this site all day. I'm dying to share my story and gain some insight. I think you all are incredible people and value any input you care to extend to me regarding my situation.

Ok here goes...started dating a guy about 6 weeks ago. Things happened very quickly for us. It was like we were long lost soul mates. The connection was instant. The friendship happened in the blink of an eye. And within a very short amount of time I found myself thinking of a real future with him and thanking God for placing him in my life. I literally thought I found IT ALL in this person. The feeling is definitely mutual. He is absolutely crazy about me and definitely wants to build a great life.

I noticed within a short time frame that he drank frequently. A few beers a night most nights. Nothing that worried me or caused me concern. He had some excuses for why he was drinking and that he dreaded the time of year bc he lost his sister 7 years ago and he has trouble coping during the holidays. We hung out numerous times and alcohol wasn't always involved but sometimes it was and that was ok with me.

The first time his drinking became a problem for me was on the anniversary of his sisters death. I tried to be understanding and patient but the fact of the matter is he was loud, obnoxious, belligerent and totally obnoxious. The next day I totally called him out and told him I couldn't have it in my life and that I wouldn't have it in my life. He apologized. Took responsibility and promised it wouldn't happen again. I made it really clear to him that I had no desire to have a partner in life that behaved like that and that I was totally turned off. He got it. Or so I thought.

Things were ok for a little bit and then all hell broke loose. I won't tell the long horrible story but let's just say...he got absolutely wasted, in front of my family (first meeting) and proceeded to show a side of him I never knew existed and never EVER wanted to see. It was one of the worst days of my life. He embarrassed us both more than I ever thought was possible. It was like a scene out of a really bad movie.

The next day we had a long ride home. I couldn't even look at him. Didn't want to talk. Resisted every time he tried to touch me and I was beyond certain that this was the last time I'd be seeing him. On the ride home he apologized profusely. Owned up to the whole thing. He was more than ashamed. More than sorry. Never deflected. Lied. Down played. Didn't make excuses. Didn't turn it around. He really took full responsibility. But I really didn't want to hear anything he had to say. In my mind I figured we already had this conversation and as far as I was concerned he broke promises and was a raging alcoholic with ZERO self control.

Then it came out...he began crying and professing his love for me and telling me that he'll do anything for another chance. That's when he offered to quit drinking altogether...never again...a life of total sobriety! I looked right at him and told him to save it. I don't believe him...at all. He continued on and on...for days with apologies and promises and plans to get himself straight so he can be the best man for me, the man I need and deserve. He's offered to start In counseling to learn coping skills (he goes tomorrow) he has promised to go to AA meetings and see if he likes them. And he's sworn off all alcohol.

So far it's been 8 days. He says he's not struggling bc he's determined to win me back and get our lives back on track. He swears he knows what he wants and he'll stop at nothing to get it. He says drinking was a choice, when nothing else was more appealing to him...but it's not a choice he will make ever again bc nothing is more appealing than a life with me.

I've told him that right now all I can offer him is my friendship. That I need to see him doing the work. Making the changes. And staying committed. I didn't give him an ultimatum, at all, this is all his doing but I am very much watching the outcome. I told him I'd support him all that I could but that he's not to have any expectations where I am concerned, not to push me, and not to make any plans regarding a future with me bc that is very uncertain until I see what I need to see. He is totally onboard and just thankful that I didn't completely bail on him.

Sometimes I feel ok with my decision bc I have made a connection with him and id never turn my back on any of my friends in their time of need. So I feel like I'm doing the right thing by sticking by him, even as a friend, to offer support and encouragement. Then there are times when I want to kick myself and I feel like I just buckled my seatbelt for a roller coaster ride that I really have no interest in being on. I don't want to be in a relationship with a broken embattled soul. I want normal and healthy and something that doesn't cause me stress and anxiety and worry.


So that's the gist of it. Ask away if you have questions. And please...tell me....am I crazy??? I've never dealt with an addict before so I have no idea if I'm doing the right thing, feeling the right things or if I'm just being a stupid woman with a heart that's too big for my own good.

Thanks for reading!!

RollTide

First of all welcome. We are glad you have found us.

You are not crazy. Many of us had never been around an addict before.

My story was much like yours and it got much worse. I married and finally divorced him after much of what you are describing. It just never got better. It did for brief periods but not for good.

I can say this - I never knew what insanity was until I lived with an alcoholic.

My best advice to you is to step back and let him get help. Don't get pregnant by this man. Give it ONE YEAR to see if he is truly willing to get help.

Also - please find an AlAnon group and go to a few meetings. It will be the best thing you could do.

Prayers going your way.

redatlanta

Things happened very quickly for us. It was like we were long lost soul mates.
I noticed within a short time frame that he drank frequently.
The first time his drinking became a problem for me
He embarrassed us both more than I ever thought was possible.
That's when he offered to quit drinking altogether...never again...a life of total sobriety!
So I feel like I'm doing the right thing by sticking by him, even as a friend, to offer support and encouragement.

These are the big Red Flags in your post although there are more. Sadly there are so many of these stories I can't count. This is the basis of most relationships I have ever had in my life. Not all involving Alcoholism - but always involving a trouble soul that I took on as a project.

So I'll get straight to the point. You have known this person 6 weeks. Put aside that you have great chemistry and that on day two were soaring in the clouds - this person has major, major problems. If he gets sober based on what lead up to him deciding to he deserves the Congressional Medal of Honor. In other words, don't count on it.

But, lets play for a second, that he does get into recovery. Its no picnic. Its very, very hard, and it will be very very hard on you with no guarantees that your relationship will sustain.

If I were you and I know what I know I would say DON"T take this project on.

LexieCat

I agree with red. I'm a sober alcoholic (six years sober), been married to two alcoholics, and I know a ton of alcoholics in various stages of recovery.

Getting sober isn't so hard, as he's shown you. It's STAYING sober that is the tricky part. He had a lot of excuses for his drinking, but you've only known him six weeks and I guarantee you he's been drinking alcoholically for a long time. It becomes a way of life, and in the addiction you truly lose the ability to cope with life without a drink.

I am suspicious that all this sudden desire to get sober materialized when you threatened to break off the relationship. People who quit to please another person are usually not ready to quit drinking, and it won't stick.

"Project" is what redatlanta called it. But people are poor candidates for "fixer-uppers." And alcoholics/addicts are poorer candidates than most.

I don't doubt that he felt like your soulmate. My second husband (who is presumably still drinking himself to death) seemed the same way. Many alcoholics are very charming and sweet when they aren't loaded and obnoxious. But it's progressive, and he won't seem so charming and sweet in a few years.

If I were you I'd take a pass on this one.

fluffyflea

You've only known him six weeks.

It seems like a lot of emotional energy for someone you've only known for6 weeks.

LemonGirl

I agree with others. I just recently broke it off with my abf; we were on our way to marriage. Known him a year, together for 9, were moving in together this coming fall... I had to really step back and assess what I wanted for my life and get to making the hard decisions that line up with those dreams. Alcohol will never get you there.

If you can manage being a friend, then great, but beware of your emotional health. The moment you get sucked in, you may start to lose your resolve to stay distanced.
However, gauging by your previous reactions to him, I am hoping you can keep that fire moving forward. Truly, if he doesn't get help, you having all that fire power will help you move on. Either way, he has to get sober on his own.

guava

Welcome! Just wanted to say I am very impressed with how you've handled this so far. You seem to realize the magnitude of his problem. I wish I had been able to see things as clearly early on in my relationship with my husband. I'm glad you found us here. You'll read a lot about watching his actions rather than listening to his words...it's good advice.

dandylion

hereshoping....why not do a google search for "hormones of attraction".

The glorious feelings in the early relationships to those we are romantically or sexually attracted to are the work of Mother Nature...who pours powerful hormones into our bloodstream...yes, instantly. It is to facilitate the bonding that is necessary for humans in order to facilitate the continuation of the species.

Not a bad thing, at all, and it sure does feel good. I causes us to think of things like "soulmate", and we believe that this whole thing is meant to be and must be "right".
In reality...it is just a biologic phase and gradually tapers off.
It the relationship has the ingredients of something solid..going forth...the relationship has a chance of making it.
If the ingredients are lacking...disaster follows and the bonds are broken and we are free to roam about and seek other potential mates.

Hon, you are still in the 6wk. period...so you are right in the middle of the cascade of h ormones.

It is my hope that you don't make really bad decisions based on the "feel good".
That is precisely why I am writing this piece for you.

And, above all....please don't get pregnant by this guy. Don't do that to an innocent child.

Your future happiness is totally your responsibility...and will largely depend on the decisions that you make.

very sincerely,
dandylion

****"I am as high as a pie in the sky
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love with a wonderful guy...."

from the musical, "Oklahoma"

Jupiters

6 weeks?
too soon to be expending that much energy IMO.
Read around. Get familiar with the ride you would be embarking on.
You've already seen some glimpses (as have your family)...look fun?
It gets worse.

hereshoping15

Thank you all for the responses. I appreciate all the insight and input and somewhere deep in my heart I know you are all right. But I can't silence the "what if" voices in my head.

What if the problem isn't as big as I thought? What if he really can just quit drinking? What if it's not a forever long daily struggle for him? What if he is committed to counseling and can repair himself within? What if what if what if? And then the best one...."why not just wait it out and see if he fails???"

Sometimes I feel more concerned with the issues in his head than the actual drinking. He has experienced a lot of death in his life...death of very close friends and family. He is also in the Military and spent time in Afghanistan which I know troubles him too. He hasn't dealt with these issues. He just numbed them and silenced them with alcohol....for probably the last 7 years, I'd guess. But can't those issues be worked on? Can't he get ahold of the problems and start dealing with them now so that he can be healthy and whole? I don't know. I guess I'm just the eternal optimist. I try to see the good in people and hope for the best for those I care about. But I'm trying desperately not to just be a BIG FAT FOOL here.

As for the hormones...and the feel good part of the relationship. I mostly agree...but in all honesty it isn't just about that. It's the way we connected (not physically) and bonded and how easy it all was until now. I've never been that quick to "fall" and I've never let my heart go that easy. Something about him is sooooo different than anything I've ever experienced. Ha...besides the fact that he's an alcoholic! GRRR!!! I know that isn't a reason to ignore all the other warnings and red flags. I need to follow my instinct and not listen to my heart...is that right???

Trust me when I say...I'm not planning a future with this person. Those thoughts are long gone from my mind. I can't even force myself, at this point, to get lost in any kind of fantasy like that. And that's the truth. My struggle and my question and what I can't figure out is....do I stick with him for now, until he (God forbid), gives me a reason to completely end it??? It really is just a friendship to me...I'm trying very hard to keep my distance and keep the line clear, not blurred. He tries to cross it....but I keep him in check with it. I refuse his invites for lunches, dinners, movies...etc. Unless, I WANT TO! Not just because he asks. I am a firm believer that he needs to do this on his own and using me as a distraction is not going to work. So I resist. There is no physical contact. I will not sleep with him. I won't even hold his hand (we aren't a couple). A simple hug when I have seen him over the last week or so and nothing more.

The part that really resonated was what Red said about the project. You are right. I don't want a project. I don't want broken. I don't want to fix anyone. However, I don't feel like I'm doing the fixing. I've made that clear to him. There's nothing I can do to fix him. And remember I'm not the one that came up with this idea. I didn't tell him what to do. I didn't set the plan...he did. My only part in all this is to offer him support and encouragement and wait and see the outcome.

I know I sound like I'm making excuses...right?? I am trying to justify my feelings and his actions so that in the end I can have what I want...but will never really get...right??

UGH!!! So I went from thanking God for putting this man in my life...to now shaking my finger and asking "WHY??? WHAT KIND OF TEST IS THIS???"

I just want to do the right thing...for myself first...and for him too, if I can.

QueSera81

I pulled out two parts of your post because I think they contradict each other a lot. 7 years of coping with alcohol is not going to change overnight and it's not going to change without help.

Jupiters

He has A LOT of issues.
And yah - sure they can be worked on. Of course they can. People do it everyday.
I just think you're putting a lot on the line for a person you have only known for 6 weeks. Not even 6 months. In the grand scheme of things, not really a long time to "know" someone. Let alone an addict.
I'd be treading very carefully is all. eyes wide open.

CupofJoe

Sorry you're here, but nice to meet you.

I've dated a lot of addicts/alcoholics and I'm a sober alcoholic.

All I can say is that talk is cheap. If he's truly serious, then it's going to take a long time for him to recover. Early recovery isn't pretty--there's a reason the conventional wisdom is for someone in recovery not to date or make significant changes for a year.

A lot of us have a hard time feeling anything other than numbness at first. I can tell you when I was newly sober I wanted a relationship more than anything. I tried dating--and got drunk. The thrill of a new relationship could make me feel ALMOST as good as drinking, but it's a short term thrill. Be careful not to be someone's crutch in early sobriety because it's a good way to get hurt. I've also dated people in early recovery and in retrospect I can see where I was setting myself up for heartache. No more.

You mentioned he keeps trying to cross the line that you're trying firmly to establish as a friend. This, more than anything, is a huge red flag to me. It shows a lack of respect for you and a denial of reality for himself.

Please listen to your gut. There are plenty of other great men out there; they might be hard to find, but they do exist. And if he gets sober and works on his problems, then maybe you can reconsider in the future. But he has to be the one to do the work.

But take care of yourself first.

Best to you.

Edit: I just saw that you're not considering dating him, but it sounds like emotions are still running high. And it sounds like he's hoping for more. Just wanted to add, please be careful of your own feelings. Don't get swept up in the hysteria--there will be a lot of it, I'm sure...

I wish the best for him and you, but please be careful.

dandylion

hereshoping....you say that this is no longer a romance...but, a friendship.

Here's the deal....friends are taught that it is harmful to enable an alcoholic. Quite often, people don't consciously think that they are enabling...especially, if they don't know much about the nature of the disease.

I believe that you are enabling him, right n ow...though you probably can't see it that way.

It sounds, from what you just said, that you have squelched the romantic element (but, he hasn't).
So, now, I would say that learning how a friend could, inadvertedly, enable their alcoholic friend is your next challenge.

There is a lot to learn about this disease and how it operates. Knowledge is power.

dandylion

knowthetriggers

In my opinion...This is a glimpse of your future with your "soul mate".

Keeping reading and find an Alanon group. Worry only about yourself and remember that he needs to do this for HIMSELF not for you or anyone else.

Wishing you the best,
Triggers

CodeJob

Welcome Here'sHoping,

You wrote this: Then there are times when I want to kick myself and I feel like I just buckled my seatbelt for a roller coaster ride that I really have no interest in being on. I don't want to be in a relationship with a broken embattled soul. I want normal and healthy and something that doesn't cause me stress and anxiety and worry.

You know what you are signing on for AND what you really want to find in a partner.

You are a clever!

lillamy

Any time someone says long lost soul mates, I reach for my revolver...

Know why? Because any time you tell yourself that "we are soul mates," you've romanticized a relationship and you've made yourself less capable of looking at it soberly (no pun intended).

You say you have no experience of addicts. I do. I dated a few, and then married one. I asked myself the same questions you did:

I waited 20 years. And like the proverbial frog in the pot, I became accustomed to his drinking as it increased, his bad temper as it increased, his abuse as it increased. The man I fell madly in love with, left job and family and friends for, started raping me repeatedly when he was drunk. Tell me I was fat even though I was underweight. Alienating my friends and family, trying to cut me off from them so I would have nowhere to go with my pain and abuse. Beat the kids, I found out afterwards, and possibly sexually assaulted one of them.

When we met, he had a six-figure income. I lived in a golden prison when I was married to him. Nobody knew what went on inside our home. Today, he's unemployed, homeless, and still drinking.

That's my story of sticking with an addict and waiting it out. I invested -- or, rather, wasted -- 20 years of my life, because I thought surely, my love would mean more to him than his drinking did. Surely, God would want to save him through my love and that's why he put us together.

If I had only invested -- or wasted -- six weeks, I'd cut my losses and move on. He has shown you who he is when he drinks. Do you want to bet your life that he can change?

GabrielleSolis1

Let me just share a very shortened piece of my experience with you-

I met a man seven years ago when I moved to Spain from England. I was single at the time, very much wanted a relationship and he really appealed to me. He was funny, talented, popular and sexy. We hit it off very quickly- in fact, so quick that we moved in together within two weeks. However, it was apparent to me on the day we moved in together that he had a drinking problem. Throughout our whole three year relationship I had to deal with his 'benders', his emotional outbursts/ blackmail and also took mental and physical abuse from him. It was at least two years before he admitted that he was an alcoholic to my face.

I constantly tried to help him, but to no avail. He drank every single day. Once, he stopped for five whole days. Whoopee. Not.

It was a nightmare from start to finish. Yes, we had good times too- but the bad outweighed the good. He broke my soul. He was a tortured soul, and he brought me down with him. Sadly, because I never managed to break it off permanently (he always managed to blackmail me into going back to him through threats of suicide), I also felt compelled to drink more and more with him. I joined in as much as I could. Somehow I thought it would help me to understand him, sometimes I just lived the days without caring and in a blur- just going along with it all. I didn't know who I was anymore.

Nowadays I am controlled by a constant need for alcohol (which I never had before I met him) coupled with self hatred because I could see all of this happening at the time, but I somehow allowed myself to be a part of it. I never used to be this person. But slowly, I'm starting to fix myself.

Please don't go there. Alcoholics can break the strongest of souls.

Jupiters

what a sad story.
Thank you for sharing and I'm glad to hear that you are on the road to recovery.

alove2nv

You sound like me, we meet in June and by August we were living together. He drank, got drunk, did stupid things, apologized....I took him back. I did this for the past 2.5 years! Believe me when I tell you that you are only 6 weeks in....STEP BACK! See what really happens, if he really does want this. It has to be for him, NOT YOU. My EXABF stayed sober the longest for 3 months, then decided he could handle it again and have a drink....that was 1.5 year ago and he has tried to quit since them more times then I can count just to go back to it...and I am left in the same cycle.

Save yourself the pain and heartache sweetie. You deserve better!