pinkpeony

I was thinking towards the future and wondering how you go about trusting a member of the opposite axe again after being so betrayed so many times by the person who was supposed to love you the most in this world?

Just trust until you find a reason not to?

Needabreak

There are some real cads out there, but there are some great guys too. Think of dating as kind of like interviewing employees for a position -- it's your chance to separate out the cads from the good ones. Keep your eyes open, watch out for red flags and pay attention when you see them, and be prepared to deal with a couple frogs before you find your prince. That's the way life works.

LemonGirl

I don't think my experiences could be of any help here because I keep opening up only to find more monsters... Most of the time anyway....

I do know that this question should probably remain in the future though. There are probably other things you could get to workin on first that might help you answer this question later on, down the road, after some recovery and some healing... (((hugs)))

hopeful4

My plan is to think with my brain, not my heart. And to trust my gut instinct. If something seems off, it likely is.

Just my .02

LifeRecovery

I am learning it is about trusting myself....to get out if/when I need to.

I struggle to trust me and my best interest.

NYCDoglvr

I would say do the opposite. People should earn our trust. But the big thing for me was learning in Alanon to avoid people with addictions. My part in the disastrous relationship was that I picked him .... and stayed much longer than I should have.

zoso77

To be honest, I don't women in a romantic sense. But that's just me.

The truth is given the way my life is right now -- career-focused, music-focused, spending a lot of time with my buddies -- I don't have any desire to take any time away from those things and give it to a woman in the context of a romantic relationship.

Could that change? Sure. But someone's really going to have to knock my socks off, and I'm not counting on that.

Follow your gut. Trust it. And when you're ready to trust, you will.

Hangnbyathread

This right here. Nobody starts out being trusted. They earn it. By actions etc. Everybody gets a fair shake at earning it.

Jupiters

this took me a LONG time to get and I still have moments.
but yes, learning to listen to that voice or whatever it is...that *something* isn't right.

pinkpeony

Oh yes, this is definitely far in the future! I was just thinking about trust.
I can't remember ever really truly trusting anyone except myself, with the exception of maybe the first 4-5 years AH and I were together.

I think as an ACOA I probably will always have trouble trusting.
I was also remembering a time this summer that I was borrowing my moms laptop and opened it up to find an email between her and my brother. My mom was going on and on about me in a back stabbing way. My brother participated a bit too. Things my mother had always told me one way, she was telling my brother in another way.

And it dawned on me then.... This is a huge part of the reason I can't trust.
People close to me have been two-faced towards me almost my entire life.
My father was an abusive alcoholic who ended up abandoning us, my mother was always emotionally absent, every man in my life except for my grandfathers have been alcoholics.....
I have major trust issues. I pretty much don't trust why thing anyone says and I've figured out that I have major true intimacy problems.

I am a hot mess.

tomsteve

Just trust until you find a reason not to?

HELL NO!!!!
Reverse that- don't trust until you find a reason not to.
Talk is cheap.
Actions.
And not like a weeks worth or a months worth.
And following gut instinct.
Listen to that..from someone who doesn't do too good at it when it comes to relationships!!!!
But singles pretty awesome.

Needabreak

This is actually good, that you see how these dynamics have worked to bring you where you are.

We have a tendency to bring dysfunctional people into our lives to replicate what was familiar when we were children. What we experienced when we were kids might have been bad, but still it was familiar, and you know what they say about bad things that we know can be less scary than things that are unknown.

Keep working through this, maybe with a therapist or a support group. Such painfully learned wisdom as what you describe above is very valuable, and almost makes the nightmare of living through a relationship with an addict worth it.

marie1960

Pink, I use alot of the tools I have learned here in my everyday personal and business life.

When someone shows me who they are, instead of making excuses that they maybe having a bad day, or falling for the "they are going thru a bad time" or 'you misunderstood what I said", I simply take it for face value, and proceed accordingly. I refuse to invest any of me with liars, cheaters, excuse makers, drama seekers, know- it - alls, and lazy people.

No more peeing on my shoe and telling me it's raining, that just can no longer work for me.

Relationships are a one on one situation, and each relationship is different, so of course the trust levels flow differently. You have been betrayed by many Pink, thinking you are feeling exactly as you should. Trust and respect are earned, it's not something free for the taking.

i have learned to trust myself more over the years, and yup, I listen to that gut instinct, afterall, we all have one, and it is there for just this purpose.

HollyC88

Glad you posted this. I'm feeling exactly this way as I'm starting to go out with the opposite sex again. I feel like i'm comparing to my AEXBF. I think with time it will continue to get better. You're ex is one person- there are millions of people out there...

pinkpeony

I feel like I just can't take anyone at face value. I just assume they are not being truthful, I overthink everything. Or they have ulterior motives.
Are there any normal, sane people out there? Lol.

I think I'd be scared by a normal person trying to get close to me.

SparkleKitty

I had to learn to trust myself first. Once I did that, listening to my instincts got a lot easier (and more fruitful).

redatlanta

Pay attention to Red flags…I never did in fact I searched them out so I could FIX them! Ha ha ha ha. Oh boy that just cracked me up.

There are many trustworthy people out there - I promise there is.

dandylion

pinkpeony.....I don't know if you have ever dealt with ACOA...adult children of alcoholics...but I am sure that this is a very common dynamic of having grown up in that circumstance. There is a forum here o n SR.
I know you are knee deep in your current situation at this moment...but I imagine that they have a lot by way of their organization to help you with trust issues...and all the other stuff that the children of alcoholics can suffer.
The steps of alanon offer a lot for your self-examination and self awareness, also.

Don't think that you will be like this all of your life.

dandylion

Carlotta

There is a big difference between being trusting and being gullible.
Call me an insufferable romantic but I believe that without trust and respect there cannot be true love.
Give yourself some time and when you meet someone observe them and take it a day at a time. Healing from betrayal takes time.
My last relationship (with a non alcoholic) ended when I found out he was cheating on me with a woman in her 60s!! Talk about a kick to my ego. Without being melodramatic, he truly broke my heart. I thought the world of that man.
That was 3 years ago and yeah, I focused on my recovery from alcoholism those past 2 years and I am glad I did.
I am starting to feel strong and balanced enough to consider getting romantically involved with another person again.
It's a risk but I feel it is worth taking. I just don't want to end up bitter, lonely and drowning in cynicism.
So I keep coming back and reading the Al Anon literature and trying to practice the steps to the best of my ability so I can have healthy relationships where I am not afraid to trust but I don't fall for just any old quack.
It all starts with looking at myself in the mirror. How I have set myself up in the past and how I can do things differently.

Well, just my personal e.s.h for what it's worth
(I am an ACOA too)

Hawks

And there is your problem. Sorry to be blunt

Turn yourself into the female version of what you want in a man.

If you are a mess, you'll attract male messes.

If you are confident, healed, emotionally available, able to trust, love and be intimate, you'll attract a guy like that.

People say opposites attract, but I have not seen too much evidence of that.

More like, we get what we are.