freetosmile

So I took the advice of everyone yesterday in dealing with RAH's passive a. crap.

We spoke briefly about dinner (thank you Anvilhead)....not chicken fajitas, but it was good. I pretty much stayed out of his way. He engaged with the children and maintained, although it was still very apparent that he was pissed about something.

We turned in for the night, I switched off the light. Silence (besides the music).....then there was this:

"I'm pretty nervous about starting work again tomorrow". Today is his FIRST day back to work from rehab.

Ah ha!! There it is!

So...it worked. The tactics were VERY helpful. He didn't have the opportunity to blow up on me and I *Think* he was trying very hard not to anyway.

Sometimes if we just leave someone alone, THEY will come to US. Another lesson in my codependent recovery. If I pestered him, I would have been taking away his God-given right to sift through his OWN feelings.

I did, however, reassure him that he would be fine and that his HP was with him.

Thanks guys!!!

dandylion

"WOW"

dandylion

hopeful4

Ah, I see more was revealed. It's good that he finally decided to open up. It's even better how you handled all of it.

XXX

LemonGirl

This is great! Thank you for sharing the results too because it is comforting to hear!

"Let people come to you..." Duly noted!

CodeJob

Isn't it funny that we just THINK all of THAT is about US!?

But IT is NOT.

Good job FTS!

freetosmile

I don't think that my results yesterday are going to be the way it always goes....and I wasn't exactly *proud* of HIS behavior- yes it was a dramatic improvement from what I *used* to get...but again, it was about ME. I followed my plan!

It's funny...you know, I used to give him sooo much credit. All the time. And now, I'm giving ME credit. Damn that feels good for once in my life. Everything good I ever did, I was always the one to minimize it and downplay it like it was nothing. But when someone else did something good, especially H, I was ALL OVER IT like white on rice. Praising them, cheering them on, etc.

I'm starting to like this new me. I really am.

The sun is shining here in nebraska, a high of 66 today!


.............it's gonna be a great day!

LemonGirl

Yay!!! This is exactly what to strive for! Enjoy this gorgeous day! You deserve it

dandylion

freetosmile....boy, do I ever know what you are talking about!
I was raised in a secluded mountain culture where it was considered a virtue to be Humble and modest. Being openly proud of y our own accomplishments or good fortune was considered to be a faulty character trait (especially for a WOMAN).
Damn! my family took that to an extreme.
I was a big accomplishment, later in my life when I could finally say a simple "Thank You" when someone complimented my dress or how I looked. I used to say "OH, this old thing!".

These little "victories" do add up....

dandylion

Refiner

So glad the silent treatment session has ended! For now! Hope his first day goes well for him so it doesn't start back up!

freetosmile

Oh it's starting back up alright....or SOMETHING is anyway. I text him today after my al-anon meeting to tell him I was headed home. He text back "late meeting".

I stayed to talk after the meeting so I was later than usual in leaving. By all of 20 min!

So the accusatory/controlling behavior has begun again.

I can feel it you guys.....he's gonna have some form of meltdown. Either blow up, throw my very vulnerable conversation with him (last week) back in my face, relapse, or something.

I'm not stepping in the middle of it and I'm not going to be a verbal punching bag. I'm just going to stay "locked and loaded". What else can I do other than that? I'm not his damn sponsor. He doesn't even have a sponsor yet...ugh. Whatever!

It's still a good day though! I'm not gonna let him take THAT away from me!

firebolt

FTS - just thinking of you.

"It's still a good day though! I'm not gonna let him take THAT away from me! "

DAMN RIGHT! If he starts in, you can drop the rope - good luck!! Lots of empathy here!

redatlanta

So did he have a meltdown?

freetosmile

No- he is back to being P/A.....

From past experience with this type of behavior from him here is what I have seen:

He is "stewing" about all the wrong that has been done to him- especially from me.

I just can feel it. I may be wrong on this- who knows. I'm not going to poke or prod. I'm just going to "let it go".

For the love of God, it was 66 degrees here today, the sun is shining, he has a wife and kids that love him, he has GREAT resources for his alcoholism, a boss who is sooo understanding and all that jazz....

what the hell reason does he have to be pissed?!!
I don't know. I really don't.

I guess...it's just not my deal. (?) Leave him be.

schnappi99

King baby, chapter & verse. Nothing is ever enough. All that vibe radiating out of him is manipulation to punish you and get you to engage. I could never keep it up for very long.. its tiring to maintain that high dudgeon. But it also never took me long to recharge and pick it up again in some other way.

dandylion

freetosmile....I don't think that there is any other thing you can do except to detach...keep your distance...give him his space. He is extremely early recovery stage---you could never be able to know what is whirlling around in his head, right now. Most are a mess in early recovery.
You are so right..he could go to a meeting any time he needs. He can call his sponsor any time he needs. That is going to be up to him.

Just go about your business and let him go....

Does P/A stand for "**** ant"??

dandylion

freetosmile

yes that or passive aggressive.

You guys are right. I might be creating a crisis when there is none. I'm dropping it- NO MORE!

Unless he actually DOES have a meltdown or whatever, I'm just not going to keep analyzing the whole damn thing.
I should probably just focus on MY behavior and stay the heck away from his "stuff".

Hawkeye13

just sending you a hug free

I think you are pretty darn wonderful and he's lucky to have you

dandylion

freetosmile....I just want to remind you that, while in rehab, they told him a hundred times what he should do when he gets home. They pound into their heads..."go to a meeting".."call your sponsor"...etc. It is not like he doesn't know where to turn.....
So, yes...no guilt on your part, please...

dandylion

LexieCat

I'm so, so proud of you!! You are growing by leaps and bounds!

How are the kiddos doing with Dad home?

freetosmile

Hey thanks for that Lexi- you, fandy, dandy, and amy have really been mentors to me during this and I remember talking to all of you when I first got here. ......you guys pissed me off!!

Kids are...nervous I can tell. 14 year old daughter still won't talk to him unless absolutely necessary.

The rest are doing "ok", I think we ALL are just waiting for the floor to fall out from under us.

BUT the good news is that I have the 14 year old in therapy and the 13 year old. And I DID find some alateen for them.
The younger three cling to him a lot and really are very happy about it, but still "nervous", I can tell.

I feel like I'm doing the right thing by them all. And we have all agreed to take it one day at a time. But I've made it clear that they have a RIGHT to feel safe in their home.