being bullied
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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being bullied
I don't know how much this has to do with alcoholism, but maybe someone can help make a few connections.
I have a girl friend who I know through a best friend. We have been spending time together the past year as she just moved to my city. Lately, I have noticed she is unhappy with her life. And, simultaneously jealous of me just recently and it is showing in how she picks on me in front of our other friends. I almost feel borderline embarrassed about it because I just try to keep ignoring it when it does happen.( never confronting her in public or private.. hoping it disappears).
I think that us who date alcoholics also maybe have issues confronting people. I know I do. It is hard. I am the peace keeper. Sometimes to my own detriment and I HATE that. My inability to put this girl in her proper place leads me feeling self loathing, walking home fully hating myself. It is HORRIBLE.
Today, she invited me to breakfast, I had sat down barely 2 minutes and she was harping on me about how I just need to admit I have certain physical features that are better than her. Once it was about how I manage my money. Another time about how I don't know anything about certain topics I brought up. It is endless and exhausting and I noticed she specifically targets me, but does not have the balls to do it to other women we are around. I do know that she is threatened by me physically, we are completely different looking but she is insecure anyway. I also know she is not as threatened by the other two girls and this has slowly developed over time that she has built up all these comments and almost resentment toward me for things that are out of my control like the way I look. I am continually perplexed how she finds it appropriate to penalize me for these things? Why does this person not feel this is cruel or just inappropriate in front of others?
Today I decided this was the final straw, as I had to ask her to stop (It was impossible for me to do.) I came home dejected and wondering why I am the one that has to deal with this issue. Do I come off weaker? Am I too nice? Do we tend to attract addicts for this reason and then are unable to leave them b/c we are easily manipulated and made to feel like we are overreacting? Ugh. please help someone, this actually really brought me down today. I came home crying, and realized it hurt me a lot more than I initially faced this morning. Ex ABF used to be incredibly supportive in this area and it made it even harder as I missed and needed that support today. It was a trigger also that sent me looking through our old photos. Bad idea. Right now I am trying to avoid anyone who can make me feel this way, for this reason. Just can't handle it all. I called my Dad for help today instead of my ex obv. I think it really hurt him to hear me like that.
I have a girl friend who I know through a best friend. We have been spending time together the past year as she just moved to my city. Lately, I have noticed she is unhappy with her life. And, simultaneously jealous of me just recently and it is showing in how she picks on me in front of our other friends. I almost feel borderline embarrassed about it because I just try to keep ignoring it when it does happen.( never confronting her in public or private.. hoping it disappears).
I think that us who date alcoholics also maybe have issues confronting people. I know I do. It is hard. I am the peace keeper. Sometimes to my own detriment and I HATE that. My inability to put this girl in her proper place leads me feeling self loathing, walking home fully hating myself. It is HORRIBLE.
Today, she invited me to breakfast, I had sat down barely 2 minutes and she was harping on me about how I just need to admit I have certain physical features that are better than her. Once it was about how I manage my money. Another time about how I don't know anything about certain topics I brought up. It is endless and exhausting and I noticed she specifically targets me, but does not have the balls to do it to other women we are around. I do know that she is threatened by me physically, we are completely different looking but she is insecure anyway. I also know she is not as threatened by the other two girls and this has slowly developed over time that she has built up all these comments and almost resentment toward me for things that are out of my control like the way I look. I am continually perplexed how she finds it appropriate to penalize me for these things? Why does this person not feel this is cruel or just inappropriate in front of others?
Today I decided this was the final straw, as I had to ask her to stop (It was impossible for me to do.) I came home dejected and wondering why I am the one that has to deal with this issue. Do I come off weaker? Am I too nice? Do we tend to attract addicts for this reason and then are unable to leave them b/c we are easily manipulated and made to feel like we are overreacting? Ugh. please help someone, this actually really brought me down today. I came home crying, and realized it hurt me a lot more than I initially faced this morning. Ex ABF used to be incredibly supportive in this area and it made it even harder as I missed and needed that support today. It was a trigger also that sent me looking through our old photos. Bad idea. Right now I am trying to avoid anyone who can make me feel this way, for this reason. Just can't handle it all. I called my Dad for help today instead of my ex obv. I think it really hurt him to hear me like that.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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I have to add to this that part of the disappointment I felt stemmed from the fact that I thought** I found some sincere, stable, and mature friends (these girls) when I left him. I wanted friends that were kind and considerate which this was in the beginning. I feel let down, and disappointed, and hurt. Like I failed at that. It means a lot to me right now to have people in my life that care about me. A good girl friend reminded me tonight that I have her, and that I have many guy friends who I am extremely close with and that helped. She said you don't need more than a couple good friends. I agree.
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Hi Bird,
I also have a hard time confronting people, and I end up feeling like a wimp, like I should stand up for myself more, and often feeling disappointed in people.
I know I can't change other people any more than I could make my ex stop drinking. I still avoid conflict to the extent I can (that is, I can't stand up for myself -- but you pick on my kids, there is hell to pay!).
My solution has been basically what your girlfriend said (in your second post). I have very few friends, but friends that I trust. Sometimes, I feel lonely (because I moved and I have exactly zero friends where I live now) -- but I also am sort of aware that... I am lonely by choice. Because I'm not willing to waste time on people who don't treat me like I deserve to be treated. There's no reason I should hang out with people who are rude to me. They're not going to change.
And I think your friend is right. As long as you have a few people in your life that are good friends, that's enough. Life isn't a popularity contest, and we don't have to try to appeal to the "mean girls"... (((hugs)))
I also have a hard time confronting people, and I end up feeling like a wimp, like I should stand up for myself more, and often feeling disappointed in people.
I know I can't change other people any more than I could make my ex stop drinking. I still avoid conflict to the extent I can (that is, I can't stand up for myself -- but you pick on my kids, there is hell to pay!).
My solution has been basically what your girlfriend said (in your second post). I have very few friends, but friends that I trust. Sometimes, I feel lonely (because I moved and I have exactly zero friends where I live now) -- but I also am sort of aware that... I am lonely by choice. Because I'm not willing to waste time on people who don't treat me like I deserve to be treated. There's no reason I should hang out with people who are rude to me. They're not going to change.
And I think your friend is right. As long as you have a few people in your life that are good friends, that's enough. Life isn't a popularity contest, and we don't have to try to appeal to the "mean girls"... (((hugs)))
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
My inability to put this girl in her proper place leads me feeling self loathing, walking home fully hating myself. It is HORRIBLE.
I can see how you would like to "put her in her proper place", my thought on this matter, chances are she won't understand what you are saying anyway. She sounds highly self absorbed, and can ony make herself feel better by berating you. Certainly not my definition of a friend.
Maybe it's time to surround yourself with people who lift you up. People that actually bring joy to your life, not steal it from you.
You can walk away at any time, Right?
I can see how you would like to "put her in her proper place", my thought on this matter, chances are she won't understand what you are saying anyway. She sounds highly self absorbed, and can ony make herself feel better by berating you. Certainly not my definition of a friend.
Maybe it's time to surround yourself with people who lift you up. People that actually bring joy to your life, not steal it from you.
You can walk away at any time, Right?
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
I agree with Marie.
Is there a reason you would even want to maintain this "friendship"? You said she was a friend of a friend?
I'd be weighing the pro's and con's of this relationship. Right now, the list is pretty lopsided.
Is there a reason you would even want to maintain this "friendship"? You said she was a friend of a friend?
I'd be weighing the pro's and con's of this relationship. Right now, the list is pretty lopsided.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Sounds like its time to cut that relationship off. She sounds like she gets her self esteem by putting you down in front of others; that's really sad.
I tend to zip my lip and say nothing often. Tho..when I was in junior high (and what she is doing is very jr high-ish) my "best friend", who was always sweet when no one else was around, always used the opportunity of being with a group of girls to say horrible things about my height. Always the group would laugh at me; I felt awful and never said anything, until one day... I looked like a totem pole in my group of short friends and my bestie looks at me and asks, "hows the weather up there?", then turns to the group and snickers. I responded by saying, "it's raining" and spit on her. Needless to say, she was no longer my friend, but the rest of the school year was stress free once I shed that girlfriend.
I'm not saying to do something like this to your friend, but I am saying it might be time to shed her and find a new friend.
I tend to zip my lip and say nothing often. Tho..when I was in junior high (and what she is doing is very jr high-ish) my "best friend", who was always sweet when no one else was around, always used the opportunity of being with a group of girls to say horrible things about my height. Always the group would laugh at me; I felt awful and never said anything, until one day... I looked like a totem pole in my group of short friends and my bestie looks at me and asks, "hows the weather up there?", then turns to the group and snickers. I responded by saying, "it's raining" and spit on her. Needless to say, she was no longer my friend, but the rest of the school year was stress free once I shed that girlfriend.
I'm not saying to do something like this to your friend, but I am saying it might be time to shed her and find a new friend.
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