KristyCat

Hi guys, I'm Kristy. I'm a recovering alcoholic, sober for a year and a half. My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months and in recovery together. He's been doing pretty well except relapsed 5 months ago.

I'm asking for some advice on how to handle this. Today he was acting strangely, I thought I smelled alcohol on his breath, his pupils were very dialated, he was acting a little "slow", not hearing me, not understanding me and also unable to think of the right words to describe things.

So I did confront him. We're not a couple that argues really or yells. We're very sweet, calm, and supporting of each other. I told him I was really concerned, that my gut just really told me that something was very wrong. He denied it and swore to me he hadn't drank, but couldn't really look me in the eyes. He went to bed early.

I feel torn, like am I just being paranoid, or should I trust my gut? Also, he denies it and there is no proof. Either I believe him or don't. I am not sure I can let this go. I think the best thing is to distance myself from him b/c I don't feel he's being honest with me. I know about codependent relationships, and if i feel he's being dishonest with me, I don't want to be around that. I'm just very sad. Keep waiting for him to come clean. Wondering if it's possible I completely mis-read this.

Thanks everyone for listening.

Mags1

Hi Kristy. Your instincts are real, if you're seeing the signs he most probably has had a drink.

cynical one

What would you do with the proof or the truth if you knew it?

Katchie

Hi Kristy...Wow, a year and a 1/2 of sobriety is an awesome thing, congrats on that!

As the wife of an alcoholic of many years I've only recently allowed myself to start trusting my gut. Yes, you need to trust yourself. Your instinct is telling you the truth, never let go of that. What you're describing isn't right and you have every reason to be suspect that he has relapsed.

Are you going to Al-anon? Celebrate Recovery? I think it would be good for you to get that extra support from the other side.

You're really brave. Don't let what is happening to him affect your sobriety. You've worked too hard to let that happen.

Hugs, take care of you!

LexieCat

Kristy, I'm a sober alcoholic, too. Think about it, in your experience to alcoholics LIE to conceal their drinking? Even to people they love? Maybe ESPECIALLY to people they love?

My second husband used to claim it was "apples" I was smelling on his breath. I found a huge box of wine (partially consumed) in the trunk of his car. Sort of a bar on wheels.

To echo cynical one, what does that mean for YOU?

(Oh, and congrats on your own sober time--don't let anything he does derail that!)

FeelingGreat

I think you're probably spot on, but it seems to be an instinct to lie even in the most incriminating circumstances.
Where to now for you?

CodeJob

Absolutely, 110%, trust YOUR gut.

Keep doing all of the things you are doing to work on your sobriety. Keep the focus on YOU. Peace!

Jupiters

congrats on 1.5yrs that is incredible!
I agree that your instincts are probably bang on.
RA myself here...I'm going to agree with everyone to trust your gut. Give yourself that distance you were talking about. And don't let any of this jeopardize your own amazing accomplishments!
I hope today is a better day.

NYCDoglvr

Definitely trust your gut. And remember you must put your sobriety first. Walk out, leave, if you must, since staying could result in you picking up. Do you have a sponsor? I suggest hitting a lot of meetings.

KristyCat

Thank you everyone! My sobriety comes first to me, even if the whole world was drinking I wouldn't pick up. We actually have a pretty healthy relationship--at least, 100x more healthy than others I've been in. I have my own things going on and lots of goals, and support from my family, so I don't feel dependent on him. If he can't be honest with me, then I just simply can't stay in the relationship. And I would be very sad but I know I'd be okay.

We talked once more about it, and he reassured me that he was okay. Honestly he was very reassuring and I felt he was telling the truth. But now I have my radar up for anything unusual. I know that if he is drinking or using, it will spiral out of control and become obvious. It makes me sad that I doubt him and that we have trust issues. I know how bad the disease can become and that it can turn the sweetest person into a dishonest, cheating, lying, stealing person. I guess I'm just waiting to see if this turns into something or not.

Maybe I am being naive, but I have a lot of hope for us. There's a lot of love and kindness. We never yell or say mean things to each other. If there's a problem, we talk it out calmly and like adults. And instead of holding each other back/down (like in previous relationships), we lift each other up and encourage each other to work hard and pursue our individual goals.

That's a good question. Maybe this sounds horrible, but it would give me some peace of mind that I'm not going crazy. I almost want to find something that would let me know for sure.

RollTide

More will be revealed one way or the other.

Hugs to you.

Mags1

Hi Kristy, go girl, you've got a happy marriage and you have your antennas to use as and when.

Congratulations on 1 1/2 years sober .