SeriousKarma

This is really difficult for me to articulate friends, so please bare with me while I try and sort through these feelings...

I just finished watching a CNN Sunday morning program. They were talking about the movie American Sniper. The movies been in the media a lot recently, and every time I see it mentioned I have a really hard time. Really hard.

I haven't seen it. It's the kind of movie I used to love, but it hits too close to home now. I lost so much in that war.

I know that my husband's alcoholism probably would have progressed anyway, and it's foolish of me to blame the end of my marriage on anything but his own choices. I don't know. I'll never know what could have been.

I just feel so small right now. Like the forces of the world came in to my little life and f*cked it all up, and then ran out leaving me to pick up the pieces. There was no point to any of it.

And every one knows how much he hurts, they all talk about how we should rally around him. He can wear his TBI and his PTSD like a badge of honor. He can use it to garner the sympathy of family, friends, woman, a nation. But I'm just the ex wife. Marginalized. A footnote.

I hurt so much, for so long. He was gone for so long and I there were so many times when I didn't know if he was alive or dead. Sober or drunk. I could tell I was losing him but I didn't know why, or what to do.

I don't think I'm ever going to get over the fact that he never really, truly came home to me.

ladyscribbler

(((Karma))).
I know.

Sotiredofitall

(((((((((Karma)))))))))

SeriousKarma

Thanks Ladyscribler, I knew you'd understand.

In a lot of ways it feels like he went MIA. But, because I'm divorcing a real flesh and blood person, I can't put the bumper sticker on my car.

Seren

Hello Serious Karma,

I just want to send you some warm wishes today. I have no equivalent experience to share, but I thought this article might be of interest because it contains information about a peer support group for spouses and SO's of PTSD vets that was begun by the Department of Veterans Affairs.

In sickness and in health | Local News | Colorado Springs Independent

I'm sorry if I'm overreaching, here, but thought that it might provide information and additional support you could use.

LemonGirl

I have been hesitant about watching this movie as well. My recent xabf is in the military. It has definitely caused some PTSD in him. Many of his rantings when he is drunk are about ISIS and other horrors... him having to make out a will every time he is deployed, him needing support while he is gone, the end of the world is near, and so on....

I am sorry this has happened to you dear. Please hold onto that knowledge that the drinking was still his choice. Traumas of all kinds happen; we all have different ways of coping. The drink took over....

HealingWillCome

Big hugs to you friend. I think you're feeling a profound sense of abandonment right now (rightfully so) exacerbated by well-meaning people who just don't know your truth or your reality with your husband. Abandonment due to unfair things in life that were beyond your control and in no way your fault. It's not that you didn't try...you gave it your everything. You know the truth, God knows the truth, and in the grand scheme of life, that is honestly what matters. Those who matter and who love you know the truth...and if they don't, the truth will be revealed to them in time. Try to carry that with you. Keep the faith.

There is a point to all that has happened. One day, all the reasons for your life's trials and tribulations will be revealed to you. You are not small. You are not a footnote. You are beautiful, and grand, and important. You are here for important reasons.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers, Karma. Abandonment grief carries an extra heavy weight, I think. Grieving someone who is still living is a heavy burden. Grieving what could have been is a heavy burden. But you do have the strength to get through this, and I know you will. Big hugs to you.

LexieCat

I don't have much experience with this particular kind of situation, but I do know that alcoholism isn't "caused" by war or other horrific experiences. No doubt it could cause someone to begin drinking and thereby awaken latent alcoholism (just as coping with abuse can do that), and it might hasten its progression.

But I'm sure that having an alcoholic loved one--or any loved one--go off to war and have to deal with the complications of their PTSD upon their return has to take a huge toll.

I'm so very sorry all of this happened in your life.

MissFixit

HI Karma,

My Dad has PTSD (everyone thinks) from Vietnam. He is not an alcoholic. My exA has PTSD (everyone thinks) from the first Gulf War. He is a raging alcoholic, who has been drinking to excess since his early teen years. ONE of the MANY reasons my ex cites for his drinking is PTSD. It might contribute to his desire to drink, but it is by no means the cause of or the reason he continues to drink. Whatever that reason is was in him long before PTSD entered his life.

I usually avoid war movies because they make me very sad. As a child they made me cry thinking of my father in Vietnam and now it just seems too close to home, reality, something scary to me. I support my friends who served and those who continue to serve. Their strength and bravery amazes me.

Hammer

That is how we know folks really care.

So what would this one say?

CAPTAINZING2000

The movie gave me a better perspective of what it was like for my son in Afghanistan.

Mango blast

Karma, big, big hugs for you. And prayers. You're not alone. (((Hugs)))

ktf

schnappi99

I wonder how many of the 1st gen AA members were WW1 doughboys, using alcohol to drown the horrors they couldn't leave behind.

SeriousKarma

I can't even begin to tell you all how much your support means. This sort of movie brings out so many conflicting thoughts.

Part of me wants to believe that he could have dealt with his drinking problem if it weren't for the war. Part of me knows that's probably just a fantasy.

I do know, however, that the war gave him an excuse to ramp up his drinking.

I had an interesting conversation with my 91yr old father a while back. We were talking about my husband's drinking. Some of you might recall me talking about how my father is an ACOA. He was telling me about how, when he came back from the war (THE war... The BIG one) back in the 40's how he, and everyone else, had to "grow up" again. He felt that time in service had a way of keeping people immature. The military took care of everything. All you had to do was point a gun..... and drink. Interesting theory.

I don't know. Just more of my rambling.

Just me trying to make sense out of senselessness

Hammer

Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous

Interesting read. The first few Chapters of the AA Big Book sort of deal with this . . . Bill W was a Junior Officer in the US Army, WW1.

My observation of all this and some of Science seems to point towards to really get the 1 + 2 punch into full on Addiction / Alcohol generally takes the combo punch of at least some Trauma + whole lot of Genetics.

Had an Uncle who joined the US Navy at 16 years old. 1942. Wound up UDT -- Underwater Demolition Team. Fore-runner of what now are called SEALS. The UDTs were released from submarines to clear the beaches in the Japanese South Pacific held Islands, ahead of Marines landing. He went full on the whole war, and in the end was the only survivor of his team.

He was well regarded in the community and ran our family Electrical Contracting Business. I used to be his "drinking buddy" and designated driver from when I was about 18 to 21 years old. South Florida down by Miami. Crazy place and crazy times. He would knock down a 1/5 of Vodka in the morning with Grapefruit. Grew right there in the yard, he said that kept it healthy. Case 24 beers in the afternoon/evening. I would share a beer or two, and listen to his war stories.

When it was time for me to clean up, I headed to Texas and joined the Army and they sent me to College, Electrical Engineering. When my Uncle quit drinking a couple of years later -- he just stopped.

Sort of funny (funny strange, not funny ha-ha) watching the difference between him and AA Alcoholics. The folks I see in AA tend to have what I would call "real" problems. My Uncle -- he seemed to just drink too much.

Dunno.

SeriousKarma

That's interesting, Hammer. I dunno either.

My dad, who by all right probably should have been an alcoholic, never got bit by the bug. Funny thing was he always called himself an alcoholic. He would have one shot of something every night when he got home from work. Just one. He said he needed it to calm his nerves. I'm sure he did, but by every metric ever used to denote whether or not a person is an alcoholic this man was not an alcoholic. I think he was just so afraid of turning into his father that he decided to self-label himself.

redatlanta

I have seen the movie. I'd like to read the book a movie is a movie not all accurate and lacking in information - it was very good though.

I can't imagine the horrors of war. I also can't imagine some of the horrors I read on here of people in abusive relationships. Bottom line is not all people returning from war become Alcoholics. Just like not all people in regular life dealing with ****** things become alcoholics.

I'm sorry he never really came home to you. What you have described is in the movie I think they do an accurate portrayal of the wife and what it was like for her. There is a part where she asks him not to go back and you see is dedication to the men over there. "what about us"? She says. Wow. Btw I am unsure if alcohol was a problem for them on his return if so it is not portrayed in the movie. I can't imagine why anyone would return once there. I saw how he was very torn - a guilt - that his war family was over there while he was at home safe, even though after every tour he went on he returned more damaged. It was kind of like watching an addict keep on keeping on.

Lots and lots of (((((hugs))))) for you.