How AH's Mother Contributes To His Demise
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How AH's Mother Contributes To His Demise
It's amazing how much families can contribute to the downward fall of an alcoholic. I stated in another post how my AH's mother was angry at my husband's stepmother for the quick arrangement of his dad's 65th birthday in another state, which my husband will not be going to.
When my husband confided in his mother about this situation, she lashed out at the stepmother stating that she did not attend his sister's wedding, how she sabotages everything, etc. etc. She does not realize that she is just deepening the resentment of my husband which the Big Book states to watch out for. As a mother, she should be teaching him that he cannot control the actions of others (like his stepmother), but that he can control his reactions and responses.
A nurturing mother would explain to her son simply that as a result of the quick invitation, it seems as if he won't be able to go since his work will not give him the days off and also because it would be a lot of driving in three days. Everything would then be calmer and saner, and not an angry frenzy of lashing out and blaming others. By telling him that it is okay that he cannot go because the stepmother missed his sister's wedding, she is teaching him to be vindictive and how to get back at people, rather than teaching him to make decisions that look at what is in the best interest of himself and his relationship with his wife.
I don't condone my AH's drinking in any way, but it is sad when it clearly becomes evident how families play a major sociological role in this disease.
When my AH's mother told me that I did not need to justify my husband's and my decision for not going to a man she has not been married to for 25 years, it had nothing to with justification. I was merely providing her the "healthy" reasons she could point out to her son to help alleviate any guilt that he was feeling, as I had already heard her tell him not to worry since the stepmother missed his sister's wedding.
I ended up not telling her this because I know that she is a sick woman. I did tell her in the end that all of this drama is very depressing and overwhelming, which makes one think about drinking. She then got nervous (as she knows my sobriety is the only thing keeping the marriage and her son's life together), and she then was nice and said that I was doing so well, and that she loves me. I told her that I loved her back, and that was it.
When my husband confided in his mother about this situation, she lashed out at the stepmother stating that she did not attend his sister's wedding, how she sabotages everything, etc. etc. She does not realize that she is just deepening the resentment of my husband which the Big Book states to watch out for. As a mother, she should be teaching him that he cannot control the actions of others (like his stepmother), but that he can control his reactions and responses.
A nurturing mother would explain to her son simply that as a result of the quick invitation, it seems as if he won't be able to go since his work will not give him the days off and also because it would be a lot of driving in three days. Everything would then be calmer and saner, and not an angry frenzy of lashing out and blaming others. By telling him that it is okay that he cannot go because the stepmother missed his sister's wedding, she is teaching him to be vindictive and how to get back at people, rather than teaching him to make decisions that look at what is in the best interest of himself and his relationship with his wife.
I don't condone my AH's drinking in any way, but it is sad when it clearly becomes evident how families play a major sociological role in this disease.
When my AH's mother told me that I did not need to justify my husband's and my decision for not going to a man she has not been married to for 25 years, it had nothing to with justification. I was merely providing her the "healthy" reasons she could point out to her son to help alleviate any guilt that he was feeling, as I had already heard her tell him not to worry since the stepmother missed his sister's wedding.
I ended up not telling her this because I know that she is a sick woman. I did tell her in the end that all of this drama is very depressing and overwhelming, which makes one think about drinking. She then got nervous (as she knows my sobriety is the only thing keeping the marriage and her son's life together), and she then was nice and said that I was doing so well, and that she loves me. I told her that I loved her back, and that was it.
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Way too much drama for a birthday party, right? A simple, "I'm sorry, I can't attend, but I thank you for the invitation. I wish I could be there." Then send a gift card and get on with things, right? Sometimes people make last-minute party plans. At least she did think of inviting him, so that was good.
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Exactly. This was made into way more than what it was. They are an older couple, and the wife made a last minute surprise party, which there was nothing wrong with. My AH could have made it simple in the first place, but his mother also could have kept it simple when he confided in her rather than use it as a way to let out her pent up feelings about his stepmother.
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980 
A nurturing mother would explain to her son simply that as a result of the quick invitation, it seems as if he won't be able to go since his work will not give him the days off and also because it would be a lot of driving in three days. Everything would then be calmer and saner, and not an angry frenzy of lashing out and blaming others. By telling him that it is okay that he cannot go because the stepmother missed his sister's wedding, she is teaching him to be vindictive and how to get back at people, rather than teaching him to make decisions that look at what is in the best interest of himself and his relationship with his wife.
Your husband is an adult. The time for "teachable moments" has past. What he would probably benefit from most at this point is to be treated like an adult. Held accountable for his actions as an adult, and given the respect that all adults deserve.
Also it sounds kind of like you just want her to say what you want her to say. To tow the JB line. I mean, what does being a "nurturing mother" have to do with explaining his work schedule to him?
Other than that I feel ya. Yeah, MIL's can be a pain. It's pretty much in the job description.
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My father was an alcoholic, and died from alcoholism.
His mother enabled him from way back--pulled strings to keep him from getting kicked out of college, bailed him out financially, found jobs for him.
He lived with his mother when he was in his 40's, and died about 2 1/2 years after she did.
His mother enabled him from way back--pulled strings to keep him from getting kicked out of college, bailed him out financially, found jobs for him.
He lived with his mother when he was in his 40's, and died about 2 1/2 years after she did.
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JB,
How is your support system? How are your parents who have made some boundaries regarding your AH? I think you have a sister too? How is she? Have you gotten a sponsor - either AA or Al Anon?
You need to be out and about dealing with YOUR support system. You need to be considering how you are going to peacefully exit this volatile and sick relationship. You need to be working on your Plan X (for exit).
All of this drama is water under the bridge. How are YOU doing?!
How is your support system? How are your parents who have made some boundaries regarding your AH? I think you have a sister too? How is she? Have you gotten a sponsor - either AA or Al Anon?
You need to be out and about dealing with YOUR support system. You need to be considering how you are going to peacefully exit this volatile and sick relationship. You need to be working on your Plan X (for exit).
All of this drama is water under the bridge. How are YOU doing?!
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JB...while all of this can make a good discussion in sociology 101....as CodeJob says....this is all water under the bridge, at this point.
Don't let these side battles distract you from the most important one at hand.
dandylion
Don't let these side battles distract you from the most important one at hand.
dandylion
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Originally Posted by CodeJob
JB,
How is your support system? How are your parents who have made some boundaries regarding your AH? I think you have a sister too? How is she? Have you gotten a sponsor - either AA or Al Anon?
You need to be out and about dealing with YOUR support system. You need to be considering how you are going to peacefully exit this volatile and sick relationship. You need to be working on your Plan X (for exit).
All of this drama is water under the bridge. How are YOU doing?!
How is your support system? How are your parents who have made some boundaries regarding your AH? I think you have a sister too? How is she? Have you gotten a sponsor - either AA or Al Anon?
You need to be out and about dealing with YOUR support system. You need to be considering how you are going to peacefully exit this volatile and sick relationship. You need to be working on your Plan X (for exit).
All of this drama is water under the bridge. How are YOU doing?!
Not really thinking about an exit plan since I am hoping it can still work out and am trying to stay optimistic. Things have been going fairly well between AH and I for the past few weeks.
Yes, all of the drama regarding that situation is now over. Time to move on to a new day.
I will be finishing my work internship in the next month after 3.5 years, and will also be getting organized for the cruise.
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Originally Posted by SeriousKarma
I'm not saying you're wrong in your opinions here JB. I just want to gently point something out.
Your husband is an adult. The time for "teachable moments" has past. What he would probably benefit from most at this point is to be treated like an adult. Held accountable for his actions as an adult, and given the respect that all adults deserve.
Also it sounds kind of like you just want her to say what you want her to say. To tow the JB line. I mean, what does being a "nurturing mother" have to do with explaining his work schedule to him?
Other than that I feel ya. Yeah, MIL's can be a pain. It's pretty much in the job description.
Your husband is an adult. The time for "teachable moments" has past. What he would probably benefit from most at this point is to be treated like an adult. Held accountable for his actions as an adult, and given the respect that all adults deserve.
Also it sounds kind of like you just want her to say what you want her to say. To tow the JB line. I mean, what does being a "nurturing mother" have to do with explaining his work schedule to him?
Other than that I feel ya. Yeah, MIL's can be a pain. It's pretty much in the job description.
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Originally Posted by CodeJob
JB,
How is your support system? How are your parents who have made some boundaries regarding your AH? I think you have a sister too? How is she? Have you gotten a sponsor - either AA or Al Anon?
You need to be out and about dealing with YOUR support system. You need to be considering how you are going to peacefully exit this volatile and sick relationship. You need to be working on your Plan X (for exit).
All of this drama is water under the bridge. How are YOU doing?!
How is your support system? How are your parents who have made some boundaries regarding your AH? I think you have a sister too? How is she? Have you gotten a sponsor - either AA or Al Anon?
You need to be out and about dealing with YOUR support system. You need to be considering how you are going to peacefully exit this volatile and sick relationship. You need to be working on your Plan X (for exit).
All of this drama is water under the bridge. How are YOU doing?!
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