How would you respond?
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
How would you respond?
Those that know my story, XRAH is dry drunk, and porn addiction has been discovered.
I kicked him out. Offered marriage counseling. He says no.
Claims hes working with a sponsor at AA, but on numerous dating sites and porn sites.
He told me yesterday he is just watching and listening for God to tell him what to do. Claims God tells him to go home and work on things, yet everytime I make a decision regarding what I need to do, he gets ticked and claims its a sign from God for him not to fix things.
I have been here before. I am moving on with my life. It just drives me nuts that he keeps saying everything I do is a sign from God to not fix things or get help.
Most decisions I make, are not easy, nor can they be avoided. I have to move because the owner has not been paid for months at a time, when he was telling me he was paying her. I had to get a job to make ends meet. I had to file for child support as a condition of getting food assistance until I get on my feet.
I know I am doing all that I can, and he is just quacking but man it irritates me that he keeps saying God is saying they are signs for him to not deal with the mess he left. Grrr.
I kicked him out. Offered marriage counseling. He says no.
Claims hes working with a sponsor at AA, but on numerous dating sites and porn sites.
He told me yesterday he is just watching and listening for God to tell him what to do. Claims God tells him to go home and work on things, yet everytime I make a decision regarding what I need to do, he gets ticked and claims its a sign from God for him not to fix things.
I have been here before. I am moving on with my life. It just drives me nuts that he keeps saying everything I do is a sign from God to not fix things or get help.
Most decisions I make, are not easy, nor can they be avoided. I have to move because the owner has not been paid for months at a time, when he was telling me he was paying her. I had to get a job to make ends meet. I had to file for child support as a condition of getting food assistance until I get on my feet.
I know I am doing all that I can, and he is just quacking but man it irritates me that he keeps saying God is saying they are signs for him to not deal with the mess he left. Grrr.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Maybe tell him to you heard from God that he needs a Holy Ghost enema.
enjoy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBRzodXxn98
enjoy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBRzodXxn98
Present
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: "Happy Rock" (Gladstone) Oregon
Posts: 1,360
I am grateful to Al Anon for teaching me to recognize the sickness of the disease and know this is not the actual person. The disease mistakes its own desires as being messages from a Higher Power. The disease leaves a being incapable of being honest with himself/herself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Haha!!! Hammer, that's great!
AboutDone, my first husband was a recovering alcoholic/crack cocain abuser... He suffered as what seemed to be schizophrenia. I didn't catch on until a few months into our marriage. It took me a year to get out of that abusive relationship. Anyway, he used to get pissed that I wouldn't do what he says GOD was telling him our marriage should be like... After I left, he said "God kicked me out" because I was a sinner. It took me years to come back to 'God' on my own as my mind was so naive and impressionable back then.
Now, I just chalk it up to another scare tactic... another control factor. Kinda like those people stuck in religious cults...
Anyway, God or your HP is there in you talking to you as well. I'd take what your xrah says with a grain of salt and belive instead that voice that is in you.
And your irritation is totally valid!! Grrr!!! How dare he try to tell you anything about God. Your relationship with 'God' is none of his business!
AboutDone, my first husband was a recovering alcoholic/crack cocain abuser... He suffered as what seemed to be schizophrenia. I didn't catch on until a few months into our marriage. It took me a year to get out of that abusive relationship. Anyway, he used to get pissed that I wouldn't do what he says GOD was telling him our marriage should be like... After I left, he said "God kicked me out" because I was a sinner. It took me years to come back to 'God' on my own as my mind was so naive and impressionable back then.
Now, I just chalk it up to another scare tactic... another control factor. Kinda like those people stuck in religious cults...
Anyway, God or your HP is there in you talking to you as well. I'd take what your xrah says with a grain of salt and belive instead that voice that is in you.
And your irritation is totally valid!! Grrr!!! How dare he try to tell you anything about God. Your relationship with 'God' is none of his business!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Yeah...God told him not to work on his issues; God told him to be comfortable in his chosen sins...yeah...good one. Tell him the devil is happy to hear him say that...lol
Whatever.
Don't listen to his junk -- it's his junk to live with.
Hammer, that was daggum funny!
Whatever.
Don't listen to his junk -- it's his junk to live with.
Hammer, that was daggum funny!
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Tell him you think he's been getting prank calls. My God kicks me in the butt and tells me I need to do my part of the work we agreed upon. He doesn't tell me how other people need to be doing it for me.
How long are you willing to put up with this? Addiction is addiction, so he's still an active addict. You deserve better.
How long are you willing to put up with this? Addiction is addiction, so he's still an active addict. You deserve better.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
I would respond by not responding,get on your feet and move out if that is what you want.
He's just playing games.
He's just playing games.
Originally Posted by aboutdone 
Those that know my story, XRAH is dry drunk, and porn addiction has been discovered.
I kicked him out. Offered marriage counseling. He says no.
Claims hes working with a sponsor at AA, but on numerous dating sites and porn sites.
He told me yesterday he is just watching and listening for God to tell him what to do. Claims God tells him to go home and work on things, yet everytime I make a decision regarding what I need to do, he gets ticked and claims its a sign from God for him not to fix things.
I have been here before. I am moving on with my life. It just drives me nuts that he keeps saying everything I do is a sign from God to not fix things or get help.
Most decisions I make, are not easy, nor can they be avoided. I have to move because the owner has not been paid for months at a time, when he was telling me he was paying her. I had to get a job to make ends meet. I had to file for child support as a condition of getting food assistance until I get on my feet.
I know I am doing all that I can, and he is just quacking but man it irritates me that he keeps saying God is saying they are signs for him to not deal with the mess he left. Grrr.
I kicked him out. Offered marriage counseling. He says no.
Claims hes working with a sponsor at AA, but on numerous dating sites and porn sites.
He told me yesterday he is just watching and listening for God to tell him what to do. Claims God tells him to go home and work on things, yet everytime I make a decision regarding what I need to do, he gets ticked and claims its a sign from God for him not to fix things.
I have been here before. I am moving on with my life. It just drives me nuts that he keeps saying everything I do is a sign from God to not fix things or get help.
Most decisions I make, are not easy, nor can they be avoided. I have to move because the owner has not been paid for months at a time, when he was telling me he was paying her. I had to get a job to make ends meet. I had to file for child support as a condition of getting food assistance until I get on my feet.
I know I am doing all that I can, and he is just quacking but man it irritates me that he keeps saying God is saying they are signs for him to not deal with the mess he left. Grrr.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by aboutdone
Those that know my story, XRAH is dry drunk, and porn addiction has been discovered.
I kicked him out. Offered marriage counseling. He says no.
Claims hes working with a sponsor at AA, but on numerous dating sites and porn sites.
He told me yesterday he is just watching and listening for God to tell him what to do. Claims God tells him to go home and work on things, yet everytime I make a decision regarding what I need to do, he gets ticked and claims its a sign from God for him not to fix things.
I have been here before. I am moving on with my life. It just drives me nuts that he keeps saying everything I do is a sign from God to not fix things or get help.
Most decisions I make, are not easy, nor can they be avoided. I have to move because the owner has not been paid for months at a time, when he was telling me he was paying her. I had to get a job to make ends meet. I had to file for child support as a condition of getting food assistance until I get on my feet.
I know I am doing all that I can, and he is just quacking but man it irritates me that he keeps saying God is saying they are signs for him to not deal with the mess he left. Grrr.
I kicked him out. Offered marriage counseling. He says no.
Claims hes working with a sponsor at AA, but on numerous dating sites and porn sites.
He told me yesterday he is just watching and listening for God to tell him what to do. Claims God tells him to go home and work on things, yet everytime I make a decision regarding what I need to do, he gets ticked and claims its a sign from God for him not to fix things.
I have been here before. I am moving on with my life. It just drives me nuts that he keeps saying everything I do is a sign from God to not fix things or get help.
Most decisions I make, are not easy, nor can they be avoided. I have to move because the owner has not been paid for months at a time, when he was telling me he was paying her. I had to get a job to make ends meet. I had to file for child support as a condition of getting food assistance until I get on my feet.
I know I am doing all that I can, and he is just quacking but man it irritates me that he keeps saying God is saying they are signs for him to not deal with the mess he left. Grrr.
OK I am not looking for a flame here. But a perspective. To me I think this is one of the problems with AA and the whole higher power thing. It allows for just this type of thing. If I am an abuser/addict who wants no accountability, which is typical of abusers/addicts, then being able to stand behind or on top of the God pedestal sort of helps the whole process of that. Well I am in touch with my Higher Power" as I understand it to be (that is the kicker phrase)" and he/she/it hasn't told me what I'm doing is wrong so it must be OK..... And that is the rational they can use to trump what us lesser mortals have to expect of them as behavior we think would be acceptable to us. Then they can take it a step further by sayig, Oh You can't tell me how I'm supposed to be recovering because I am working my program.
It becomes a circular never accountable process they can go indefinitely in. And make everyone else but them, the reason for the dramas.
Just my . 02 worth
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
The thing is, if you're actually working with a sponsor in AA, no sponsor is ever going to let you get away with "My HP says it's OK to date while I'm still married" or "My HP says it's OK to be addicted to porn."
Nobody is better at calling an addict on their stinking thinking than another addict.
So to me, the fact that the OP's AH can claim these things just means he's NOT working the program, NOT working with a sponsor.
Nobody is better at calling an addict on their stinking thinking than another addict.
So to me, the fact that the OP's AH can claim these things just means he's NOT working the program, NOT working with a sponsor.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by lillamy
The thing is, if you're actually working with a sponsor in AA, no sponsor is ever going to let you get away with "My HP says it's OK to date while I'm still married" or "My HP says it's OK to be addicted to porn."
Nobody is better at calling an addict on their stinking thinking than another addict.
So to me, the fact that the OP's AH can claim these things just means he's NOT working the program, NOT working with a sponsor.
Nobody is better at calling an addict on their stinking thinking than another addict.
So to me, the fact that the OP's AH can claim these things just means he's NOT working the program, NOT working with a sponsor.
It all comes down to the personal commitment the AC/addict has to being truthful about the whole situation. If there are loopholes to accountability, they will find and use them every time. And can boast, they are "working a program".
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Hangnbyathread
True enough. However here is the a Part 2 to accountability or lack thereof. The sponsor only knows what the AC/addict tells them. And the AC/addict can say I am talking to my sponsor daily. But you, nor I, nor anyone else has any idea what that consist of. So simply put, lying or omitting the entire story, can come very easily to an AC/addict. What the sponsor helps them with is only what the sponsor knows about. And that can be something that the AC/addict can manipulate anyway they like. Who would know any different?
It all comes down to the personal commitment the AC/addict has to being truthful about the whole situation. If there are loopholes to accountability, they will find and use them every time. And can boast, they are "working a program".
It all comes down to the personal commitment the AC/addict has to being truthful about the whole situation. If there are loopholes to accountability, they will find and use them every time. And can boast, they are "working a program".
If a sponsor has some experience working with others, the sponsor tends to know if they are being "played." And anyway, it isn't the sponsor's job to make someone else accountable. Sponsors are there to share what they've learned about recovery with those who want it. Most are not going to have a lot of patience with a sponsee who isn't serious about it.
It all comes down to how committed someone in recovery is--how ready they are to practice "rigorous honesty."
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
The proper response is: Take care of yourself.
He doesn't want to take responsibility for anything so nothing you say or do will change that.
Just do what you need to do for you.
If he was actually being honest he wouldn't be doing this.
Not all of us Recovering A's manipulate,lie and cheat when we are sober.
He doesn't want to take responsibility for anything so nothing you say or do will change that.
Just do what you need to do for you.
If he was actually being honest he wouldn't be doing this.
Not all of us Recovering A's manipulate,lie and cheat when we are sober.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by Hangnbyathread
OK I am not looking for a flame here. But a perspective. To me I think this is one of the problems with AA and the whole higher power thing. It allows for just this type of thing. If I am an abuser/addict who wants no accountability, which is typical of abusers/addicts, then being able to stand behind or on top of the God pedestal sort of helps the whole process of that. Well I am in touch with my Higher Power" as I understand it to be (that is the kicker phrase)" and he/she/it hasn't told me what I'm doing is wrong so it must be OK..... And that is the rational they can use to trump what us lesser mortals have to expect of them as behavior we think would be acceptable to us. Then they can take it a step further by sayig, Oh You can't tell me how I'm supposed to be recovering because I am working my program.
It becomes a circular never accountable process they can go indefinitely in. And make everyone else but them, the reason for the dramas.
Just my . 02 worth
It becomes a circular never accountable process they can go indefinitely in. And make everyone else but them, the reason for the dramas.
Just my . 02 worth
AA is a very broad organization and at best it is spiritual kindergarten that a serious and committed person can use to begin their own spiritual journey of discovery to their own well thought out personal beliefs. But there are many A's who simply cherry pick, distort and manipulate and as the spinmeisters they are known to be simply make stuff up as it suits them in their tiresome game playing.
If it quacks like a duck they might be worshipping at the feet of the great and mighty duck god temple of eternal quacking but we do not bow to the quacking god of the active A. In fact we feel sorry for the deluded or deceptive A but do not place blame anyone but the A himself for his actions.
Maybe he needs a duck god enema to get rid of the quacking. What do you think Hammer?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
He told me yesterday he is just watching and listening for God to tell him what to do. Claims God tells him to go home and work on things, yet everytime I make a decision regarding what I need to do, he gets ticked and claims its a sign from God for him not to fix things.
How would I respond? Simply God gave us the gift of Free Will. With that gift comes the burden of choice.
We can see what he's done with that gift. Repeatedly.
The whole "listening to God" thing reminds me of that scene in Real Genius.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyZ4gGCCqss
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Next time I screw up I am going to say "God told me to". That's pretty creative cause its not like anyone can call him/her to check and see.
Turn the volume off. There will be no accountability on his end for anything.
Just another method of blame-shifting.
Turn the volume off. There will be no accountability on his end for anything.
Just another method of blame-shifting.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by redatlanta
Next time I screw up I am going to say "God told me to". That's pretty creative cause its not like anyone can call him/her to check and see.
Turn the volume off. There will be no accountability on his end for anything.
Just another method of blame-shifting.
Turn the volume off. There will be no accountability on his end for anything.
Just another method of blame-shifting.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ugh. It's amazing the crap they spew isn't it?
I agree that you just keep taking care of you.
God will help anyone who wants to recover, but we all have free will. He will help him help himself if that is what he chooses.
XXX
I agree that you just keep taking care of you.
God will help anyone who wants to recover, but we all have free will. He will help him help himself if that is what he chooses.
XXX
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