beYOUtiful

Anyone else just feel so many different emotions under the surface that you can't feel anything at all? Or don't know how to react to the feelings? My AH is one who has switched DOC many times, most recent DOC has been heroin. We have 6 children and are currently separated. This really has been a less stressful time with him out of the house, for that I am grateful. But, I spend more time thinking of him than I would like (albeit, less than I did when he was still in the house with us). He is going to rehab 2/2, and I'm glad, but I'm also very skeptical. We still talk - mostly everyday, and though I want to be supportive, I can't help but feel very doubtful that he will follow through with his aftercare plan once he is out. Tonight he told me "love you" when hanging up the phone, I did not say it back as we haven't said that in a while, and I'm not sure that it wasn't him trying to manipulate me (even if he just does it subconsciously). I do love him, but I'm not "in love" with him if that makes any sense. I have let him know that for us to be together, we would have to start from scratch. He says he knows. Years of lies, manipulation, and broken promises have really taken a toll on the amount of trust I have. I have decided to allow his actions to speak for him instead of his words now. The waiting game is just hard. I am doing much better with not taking his words personally and understanding that when he says something he most likely will not follow through. But, there is still lots of built up resentment. Does/can that ever get better? Or is there no hope? The point I am at right now is basically I don't want to be with him (as he is now), but I don't want anyone else to have him either. And I don't want him to go to rehab, "get better," and then him be with someone else because I gave up...

Anyway...thoughts, experience, advice???

Muunray

He has to do what he needs to do and you need to do what you need to do to become 2 complete individuals.

AnvilheadII

but I don't want anyone else to have him either

ah, ownership. he might be a jackass, but dammit he's MY jackass!

with six kids and a life now as a single mom, try not to future trip too much about what MIGHT happen and keep your focus on today and what you need to do to assure a sane secure healthy homelife. are you getting any type of support, with meetings of some type or a counselor or the like? youreally have ZERO control over what he does.....if he ever really gets sober, stays sober and what choices he may or may not make down the road.

it may be good for YOU to not have quite so much contact? to have days where HE is not intruding? you've been through a lot, you've put up with a lot, and now is the time for YOU to take care of YOU.

zoso77

Anvil:

Yeah. That's some humorous cognitive dissonance right there on your part, which Anvil sums up in her little one liner.

Future tripping is usually a bad idea for a lot of reasons. That said, for the sake of a larger point I want to make, let's do a thought exercise.

You've been married long enough to have 6 kids. During that time, he's switched his DOC many times, has recently landed on heroin, and the cumulative damage you've absorbed has increased with every lie, broken promise, and act of manipulation.

Tell me, exactly, why you'd want to take the chance by keeping your wagon hitched to a man like this?

Mind you, I'm not saying you should divorce him. What I am saying is he is what he is, which is a lying, manipulative, selfish man who has continued to put drugs ahead of you and your 6 kids. The probability that he's going to "get better", in pure statistical terms, is quite low. He won't change for anyone. Even if you "gave up" and he "met someone", he's not going to change for her, either.

And that's the truth. He will change when he's ready to change, and not a minute before. He'll do it on his terms.

What your job is -- and this is going to be difficult for you -- is to get honest with yourself regarding is this how you want to live your life. And you don't have just your best interests to consider. You have the best interests of your kids to consider. Someone has to be in their corner. Right now, your AH is not that person.

Keep us posted.

beYOUtiful

I have been attending Al-Anon meetings. I am also wanting to participate in Nar-Anon meetings online (as you can imagine, my time is sort of limited with 6 kiddos to care for - most evenings are occupied with their extracurricular activities). My mom and stepdad moved in after his OD in Aug to be there for me and the kids, and Dec 1, AH moved out. They help out a lot!

That might be a good idea...I have extreme difficulty with setting appropriate boundaries (obviously) and have an extremely high tolerance for inappropriate behavior (maybe it's because I don't know how to react?? - most people define me as cool, calm, and collected - it's probably more so that I'm just numb.)

It would be nice to really find out who I am. We got married at 18 and have been married for 14+ years. His interests and the kids have always come first. I did what I thought was best at the time, but I'm beginning to see that I need to have some interests too!

beYOUtiful

I guess it should be noted that throughout our 14+ year marriage that he hasn't always used - there were some good years. These last 5 have been pure hell though - it began as a pain pill addiction after a back injury.

I hope that he is ready to change. I'm not pushing him - his family might be though. That is why I have my doubts.

As for why I'd want to keep my wagon hitched to him...that's a good question. We got married at 18, he's all I've ever known. I couldn't imagine having to start over with anyone else - marriage is a lot of work! Also, fear keeps me - what if I'd be alone the rest of my life (and then rational thought takes over and tells me that is stupid to dwell on because it is possible to be happy by myself - and I'm certainly not happy with how things have been). Also, religious teachings from childhood that frown upon divorce (should be added that I'm not against divorce, my parents are divorced - I just don't want to "fail" - I'm stubborn apparently) - so...I also must fear what others would think (another silly fear, because I mean that could also be flipped the other way! What would they think of me staying with an addict?) Idk...I've actually given this one a lot of thought on my own before and have come up with no "conclusion," just lots of different reasons sitting under the surface. So many different things that I don't know which choice is the right one to make...so, I sit in limbo.

Yes, these kids do need someone in their corner. And they need a mom who is not so preoccupied with worried about an addict dad. They need me to be present. That's what I'm trying to work on. I suppose realization is the first step. I truly feel their dad did us a huge favor by moving out, and he says he did it because he knows he is not a good influence (now, idk how much of that is true and how much of that was to make his life easier for him since the in-laws were/are in the house). But, I have got to quit over-analyzing things! In the end, his reason for leaving doesn't really matter.

His intake date for rehab is 2/2. I guess we'll just take it one day at a time. And when he gets out, I know he won't be "fixed" - so, unlike times before - I won't be thinking it is time for him to move back home. Instead, I'll be thinking it is time for us to find ourselves, and if we find our way back to each other eventually, then so be it...if not, that's ok too - because hopefully we'll be on the road to becoming 2 healthy individuals who put their kids best interest at heart.

Now, I have just got to remain strong when that time comes and not allow others to make my decisions for me. That is where I think this forum will help me! All the posts that I have read during my lurking have really resonated with me...so, I'm going to "keep coming back."

Kkcr

I've been married to my addict/alcoholic husband for almost 25 years. He didn't start using until about year 22 into our marriage bit has always drank but never seemed to be an alcoholic. After all my reading and researching I now know he exhibited addicted behaviors for most of his life. He was sent to a rehab facility and left after 21 days claiming all was right with his world and he use needed a kick in the pants. He immediately ordered a drink at the airport bar. He seemed to jump back into his work and the late nights started up again and soon he wasn't coming home at all.

I'm skipping over some months so this isn't too long or monotonous to read but after nearly overdosing in a seedy motel room he was revived by paramedics and then arrested. He was sent to a state rehab facility and completed that program and is immersed in AA and doing well. He is eleven months sober and has a knew outlook on life. I am cautiously optimistic that he will continue on this road of recovery. We also have been together since we were 19 and married young while still in college. I stayed with him because it hasn't always been this way and I feel he has lost so much that I didn't want him to lose our children as well. My kids looked to me for cues on whether or not to forgive( two in college and one in high school) and I know all they needed me to do was say to hell with him and they would support me and never look back.

We are all working on our own healing and some days are good and some days are not so good but we are all communicating and supporting each other. I know we are the lucky ones as some of the people he was in rehab with have either been arrested again or have died due to overdosing. Drug addiction is a daily fight and addicts have to wake up each morning and vow to stay clean/sober for that day.

Sorry- not much advice given but it feels good to share. First and foremost take care of yourself and your children. You never know how strong you are until something like this happens.

zoso77

We see this topic here from time to time. There's a wide range of opinions on it, too. Here's mine; take what you like, leave the rest.

When we marry, we obviously do so with the belief that it's for life. But when you look at the "through sickness and in health" aspect of those vows, what happens when "sickness" is self-induced? Every time your AH uses heroin, he's undercutting the viability of the marriage. I don't believe God would fault a woman for doing what is necessary to protect herself from a husband who is self-destructing. After all, God gave us Free Will. To believe otherwise, to me, is to suggest that the addict can play by one set of rules, and the addict's spouse is compelled to play by a different set of rules which are subservient to the addict's rules. In reality, there is one set of rules both parties should follow, and implicit in those rules is neither party will engage in behavior that will undercut the viability and stability of the marriage and, by extension, the family. Your AH hasn't followed that rule for some time.

As far as what other people think, there's a saying you'll hear in AA from time to time that I love: paraphrasing, it's none of my business what you think of me. That said, if you and your AH divorced, and someone were to think you should have stuck it out, I don't believe that person would be capable of elucidating why you and your children should stay in a situation that is incredibly toxic. Those arguments would evaporate under scrutiny.

And for what it's worth, if there was a divorce, that would not mean you "failed". It would simply mean that your AH would not choose the path to recovery, and as a consequence, you could not stay coupled to such a person.

Anyways, these are my thoughts. At some point, beYOUtiful, you may be confronted with decisions you do not want to make. Just be aware that sometimes in life, there are no "good" choices. There are only choices that are less bad. And I don't believe for a moment that God put you on this earth and gave you the gift of 6 kids just so you and those kids could be poisoned by your AH's addiction.

Take care, and keep us posted.

JOIE12

words of wisdom, thank you Zozo. And thank you beYOUtiful for sharing your thoughts and your pain. We are here for you anytime. Best wishes and peace for you and your family.