skylett

I was asked this question repeating tonight and I can't put my finger on the answer. He drinks but he said he still works and takes care of us ( his family) why does his drinking affect me so much?

Soberintexas007

Does he become verbally abusive when he drinks? Does he isolate from you and neglect you when he drinks?

Mango blast

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dTa7rC1oUnk

It's complicated to explain, but maybe this slight of hand video can help explain it. It's titled "How Easily Our Brains are Fooled." This is what alcoholism does. It's not the things I saw that was going on in my life -- the drinking, the problems and non-problems. It was all it distracts me from. I stopped noticing other things in life, including what a beautiful day it is, in spite of any problems. I also started looking for big problems and couldn't see the multitude of problems around us.

Do you have an Alanon group near you? It's a great start in getting help. I've found that as my viewpoints change, everything changes.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings

skylett

no sits on his butt 6 hours a night and drinks then goes to bed

honeypig

skylett, my husband used to ask me that too--"what does it matter if I drink? I'm still the same person. Why can't you just be OK w/it?" And I couldn't come up w/an answer then. Like your husband, mine worked, wasn't abusive, seemed to be a decent person for the most part. Except...

Except he seemed to never remember things we'd talked about, and would get angry when I'd tell him I'd already told him this or that.

Except the bank accounts didn't balance, and if I questioned that, I got a long tirade about how it wasn't necessary for them to balance, and I had to just trust that things were OK.

Except he seemed to have been drinking even when he insisted he hadn't.

Except that sometimes when we'd get in the car to go pick up a pizza or something, his driving would scare me, but he'd get angry if I said anything.

Except he'd ignore our little black dog who idolizes him, and it would break my heart to see her sitting patiently and adoringly, waiting for him to notice she was there and wanted some attention from him.

And eventually, as the alcoholism progressed, I saw a whole lot more. I saw how much money he'd stolen out of our savings to finance his alcohol and cigarette addictions (yes, he lied about smoking, too). I saw an emotionally unavailable and selfish man. I saw that he'd been lying to me about one thing or another for the entire 18 years of our marriage.

So that's what turned out to be "wrong w/his drinking" in my case.

SR and Alanon have been a powerful combination for change and growth for me. I hope you can spend some time here, reading as much as you can, and I hope you can try some Alanon meetings, too. I think as you begin to educate yourself, you'll be able to see much more clearly "what's wrong w/his drinking."

Or, on the other hand, you'll be able to decide you can live with it. It's all about choices, and it's up to you. We're here for you. Welcome to SR.

dandylion

skylett...how about keeping a list...and, every time you think of something....write it down. After a while, you should be getting a better idea of how to answer that question.
The changes can happen so slowly, over a long time that a lot of the misery starts to feel like "normal".

dandylion

skylett

Thank you I wrote down what bugs me it turned into a very long list the more I thought the more I could remember and how it affected me turned into a 3 page list of times he affected me with his drinking. It's sad how much I was able to forget those things. He wants to leave me so I will look into al alon. Yes he does forget everything we talk about or simple things like locking the door before bed. He has the funds to pay for the beer every night himself so that is why if I am not paying for it how does it affect me came into play.. Thanks so much for your response

SeriousKarma

A three page list!

And chances are still pretty good that he won't "get it".

Many of us (my self included) can waste far too much time arguing the minutia of their drinking issues. We're arguing with alcoholics. These are people who are hard wired to argue the "pro's" of why they can drink. The central problem is that we aren't happy with who they are.

It doesn't really matter why it bother's us. It just does.

I'm glad you plan on looking into Alanon, Skylett. Time to shift the focus onto yourself. (((((((hugs)))))))

freetosmile

I really agree with Karma:

I totally agree that IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY ...the fact is that it does. When someone isn't "fully present" with us, in THIS reality, with OUR children...yep, I don't need a fricking reason.

I think that dandy's suggestions of writing down reasons is good in order to gain perspective, however.

chronsweet

My mom always used to tell me ... You can't argue with a drunk. It's an impossible feat. One I never won and one I finally gave up on. When I gave up caring about my xabf's drinking ... It became clearer as to what it was I needed to do.

It's hard to walk away or divert when an A asks questions in a provocation to argue. But learning to do it is probably what gave me the most peace while I was still living with him.

SeriousKarma

It sort of makes for an interesting primer on communication.

Let's use for example the subject of a messy kitchen. One could say "You drink all the time, and never clean the kitchen." Or they could say "I don't want to live with someone who never cleans the kitchen."

The second sentence is unarguable.

knowthetriggers

Sky... boy oh boy can I relate to your feelings and most everything honeypig mentioned as well. My AH used to be the same, very disconnected from any home responsibilities, the family you name it. He was never verbally abusive, unless I backed him into a corner with all my nagging, but depressed and very disconnected. I was beyond frustrated.

When I started attending my Alanon meetings I learned to stop the nagging about the drinking, etc. He has been thru rehab and AA but currently not seeking help. I have shared before that he is quite functional and no longer disconnected from the family...BUT he has his days that he still drinks and it BOTHERS me!

So I came back to Alanon to learn to keep quite again! I was asking myself the same question, why does it bother me. I am still working on this but I can tell you that I am afraid and worried.

Afraid and worried he will spiral out of control.

I think making a list is fantastic! Sorry for the long post but just wanted to share. There are many here who are wiser than me!

Keep coming back.

skylett

Thank you I have found what was said was right he did not care and even said that it was a laughable list. See most of it was threats that he made like when I was driving all of us home from a out of town trip and he opened a beer while I was driving. I said no and he said if I didn't drive that when we did get home I be kicked out. Hmm the list of threats goes on and on. I been reading seeing now I am a codependent and that I need help to change my ways . I have started ! He threatened to leave and for the first time I did not beg cry or say things to manipulate him to stay. Well the I be out in two weeks just turned to a month and seems as if this game we played for years is no longer working. He pulled the I was going to quit as a new years resolution was also pulled I told him today I now know I am a codependent and I am not going to feel responsible for his actions . I want him to stop blaming me for his reasons for drinking. Lol a few sentences later he said he liked to drink. Hmm wonder if he caught this catch 22 that came out of his mouth. We recently moved closer to my family and I got a job he said I have changed I feel empowered to be a person unto under his control. I am excited to find myself and stop thinking about this drink problem every day

SeriousKarma

I'm excited for you!

He sounds like a bully. I hope your safe, Skylett. Please take care of yourself.

Hangnbyathread

Its not the drinking that bugged me. It the drunk that bugged me. Mine went from normal to HOLY CRAP what happened, in about a 20 minute time frame. Its like there is a tipping point. She could be just as normal as could be. It could be at drink 3 or drink 6 when it happened. But one too many and WHAM.


So I said, just don't drink please. Yeah it was so easy to expect wasn't it?