gothbarbie

So I'm curious as to how many of you on here have been dumped by your addict bf or gf & only a short while later, you have learned that they are now either married to someone new OR have rushed into another relationship. I've recently found out that my XABF from a year ago has already married this new woman he has only known a short time after he left me for "rehab". I'm not going to lie & say that it didn't hurt me that he seemed to move on from me so quickly BUT I will say that it def bothers me a little & I don't know why. I don't want him back in my life or anything bc I'm pretty sure he isn't on the recovery path that he supposedly left me for. Another thing that is a little strange is that she kinda resembles me, which I'm also wondering if maybe he's still had me on his mind. I dunno, I guess I really wanted closure but I don't think it is ever coming. I feel healed over it for the most part , I'm just a little angry at times bc it seems as though he was ashamed of me while we were together but his new woman is being shown off by him & he's even had her pics of them together PLUS travels with her all over (which is something I wanted to do with him). It's like he's living the life I always wanted but with her.

Any thoughts or past experiences you'd all like to share, I'm all ears

Ann

My son is the addict in my life but this was something that always disturbed me about his relationships...it was as if he couldn't live without one, no matter how much he used or how bad his life was. He would go on one date and move in...or when dumped, he would have a new girlfriend in days.

The thing is, he was incapable of having a healthy relationship of any kind because he used drugs. During the times he was clean, he may have had a decent relationship but it always fell apart when he began to use again.

He was incapable of loving himself and therefore incapable of loving others.

I'm pretty sure you don't miss the drug use or bad side of your relationship, perhaps it is the lost dreams of what "could have been" "if only...".

You can still have your dreams and fulfill them too, but give yourself time to heal and be healthy yourself and then one day you will meet someone who is also healthy...and live happily ever after. Sick attracts sick and healthy attracts healthy. Once YOU are healthy, things will look much better.

Hugs

FeelingGreat

Time will tell the whole story Barb. It may be that he's found someone who resembles you but lets him drink. If he hasn't recovered, he's going to want an enabler. If she's not happy with his drinking, then it's not likely to last long.

Either way, move on with a will. Become someone you like, and the rest will fall into place.

ladyscribbler

My ex married his uncle's widow a few months after I left him. Dude's got some major mommy issues. They have also been going on long road trips and such.
I haven't even been on a date or gone for coffee with anyone since we broke up. The thought of another relationship makes my skin crawl, tbh.
But he needs a caretaker. Someone to chauffeur him to the liquor store and wash his laundry, so apparently they are soul mates. More will be revealed I guess.

zoso77

I was dumped for another addict via text message and a picture of her and the new guy. They married a little more than a year later.

As for what I think about it...well, a bunch of things.

What she did was provide unequivocal evidence that she is sick, and I because of that, I couldn't personalize what she did. As far as the new guy goes, he 13th Stepped with someone who, at the time, only had 10 months of clean time. That tells me his boundaries are quite permeable. I suspect that he had no idea of what he was signing up for, though. In addition to her addiction, she's also a Borderline Personality. Thus, it is only a matter of time before she makes him a target. That being said, I don't feel sorry for him at all.

She wanted me to feel pain. She went out of her way to text me her wedding announcement, and she also texted me a picture from her wedding. When I ignored those, she escalated; she defeated my iPhone block and started calling me from a couple of different numbers and did this until I finally changed my number.

So did I feel pain when she was doing all this crap after our breakup? No. By that time, I had done a tremendous amount of work on completely detaching from her and from our relationship. It also helped that the moment she broke up with me in the manner in which she did, I no longer had any romantic feelings towards her. It was like a circuit breaker was tripped. BOOM!! Done.

That said, while she didn't hurt me after our breakup, she did p!ss me off. I was incredibly angry at her attempts to disrupt my life. It wasn't until I realized that that was what she wanted to do. She was just being her -- an addict Borderline. So I then let go of that anger and started going forward again.

Since changing my number in May 2014, I have not heard from her. Her only option if she wants to disrupt my life again is to show up at my home. And if she does that, she'll have to deal with the police. I hope she's not that foolish. But it's also possible that she will do something foolish because she's Borderline.

Anyways...

ScooterBoo

If I were you I would be sure there was no way I could see photos of them. If it is on Facebook, remove him from your lists; if he is texting or emailing, block him.

You do not need him. He wants someone to put up with him; don't let it be you.

auroraxborealis

I had a really hard holiday season because my X had just gotten with a new gf, and spent Christmas together. Being friends with his family, they both popped up in pictures the family had on Facebook.

We never celebrated Christmas together, or New Years. So it was really painful to see him doing that with her. She also has a daughter he now has in his life. I kept thinking that it should be me with him and his family on the holidays, and it should be our daughter (in a few years--not ready for kids yet). And his birthday was two days ago, and we never had that together either.

It sucks. But in a small way, I realize that if he were still with me, it would be because I wasn't getting in the way of his addiction. He may or may not still be using, but I believe he is. If I weren't getting healthier enough, it would be me. As someone above said, sick attracts sick. She is just as sick as X is. And it's sad to see that she would bring her child around someone she has known for such a short time. I don't mean anything against my X at alll, he is wonderful with children.

SadOnEarth

Oh man, I have those crazy thoughts in my mind all the time. It almost kills me every night thinking about my AXBF being with another woman and do everything I wanted to do with him, or treat her millions time better. I do not have him on FB or other social media anymore, but sometimes, I couldn't help but check on his, and noticing those little changes on his FB make my heart sink all the way down to my stomach. I feel like a stalker....this is so sick of me to do this after all he has done to me. Although I have no idea who is his new interest or girl, I constantly wonder if she is better, or prettier, or nicer, just tons of things...But again I think I am suffering from serious self-esteem lost. And I am starting to read as many books as possible to recover from this. One thing makes me feel better is telling myself "I made the right choice to break free from this unhealthy relationship with an active drug addict, regardless how he is going to be with another girl, he did not do any for/with me. "

If he is still abusing, his relationship is not going to work out, it is not because of the wrong partner but because of addicts themselves. They simply cannot function in a relationship when they are active, their priority is always going to be the next fix. Even if he decided to completely quit (praying for him), recovery is a long process and the relationship built during that process is even easier to break down. Either way, leave him be another woman's problem. Honeymoon period always dwindles after a while and then it is the truth. Truth really hurts.

I guess even during normal breakups, there are people looking for rebound, so they rush into a new relationship and sometimes even marriage.

jjj111

I don't know what my AXBF did after we broke up because we completely lost touch, but I suspect that he had a couple women on the back burner who seemed like they would be good enablers. I can definitely say, though, that I was on the other end of this--my AXBF had ME on the back burner while he was living with his previous girlfriend. We were just "friends" while they were together, but I had developed feelings for him and he could sense it, and he also knew I was a potential enabler because I loaned him money before they even broke up. I'm sure that this other girl felt betrayed when we got together. I knew her, too--actually met her first, but he did a pretty good job of playing us off against each other and I allowed it because I wanted to believe that I would love him better, bring out the best in him, etc. I realize now that he treated us both very badly, and we both allowed it. And he left us both when we started to set boundaries. So even though I'm pretty sure he's moved on, I definitely don't feel jealous of his new girlfriend. I feel sorry for her. I agree with finding every way possible to avoid seeing pics of exes and torturing oneself tripping out about how happy they must be in their new relationships. People have a way of smiling in pictures, even when they're miserable.

gothbarbie

Thanks everyone All of these replies are just what I needed to reset my mind into the detachment I was already feeling prior to the news of his marriage. I admit, I'm glad I dodged that bullet bc he was def looking for an enabler bc his sister was just that. He was never strong enough to break up with me the few times that we did & so I can see how weak of a person he really is. I'm not sure if the new woman was on the back burner or not but I have a feeling that the honeymoon period won't last forever. His mask will drop at some point just as it did with his fiance' before me of 10 years. As well as it did with me. I have removed him from my facebook following list awhile back & I've evaded looking at his page & hers. For all I know she could too be an addict like him, I don't know. He hated the fact that i knew all about his pill addiction & how I was trying to help him get past it but I guess it wasn't what he wanted. You're all right when saying that he wants an enabler. He hated working, and I'm assuming she works & possibly supports him & his addiction. I'm not sure how long they have been together now, I saw on FB back in March that they were engaged & my mom had told me that she looked him up & saw that they apparently got married in Vegas about a month or two ago.

I don't miss him nor do I want him back in any form. I was honestly just wondering if this is normal for addicts to just jump into one relationship to another as fast as he did. He had talked of us getting married also BUT since i had so many crazy dreams on my bucket list such as traveling around & possibly wanting to live on the road, he freaked out & realized that he couldn't give up his security blanket of drug dealers & enablers to come with me. It just doesn't make since that he would run off with her to another country & travel way more if he weren't clean. I've done my homework on here & I know for a fact that most if not all addicts aren't going to be clean within a couple of months of rehab. They can pretend all they want but again the mask WILL fall soon enough.

zoso77

"Normal" isn't a word I would use. "Typical" is a better word.

The chemical rush of something, or someone, new is a powerful thing to an addict. It's all about tickling the pleasure center of the brain.

gothbarbie

Thanks Zoso, but why must I ask?! How can they possibly get satisfaction by being so damn selfish?! I seriously hate him for all of the pain he's put me thru over the last couple of years. I don't expect this new flighty marriage to last.

zoso77

Because addiction is an extremely selfish condition. It is self indulgence gone amok, and the part of his brain that questions whether he's being selfish or not has essentially been disabled. Think of a car going 100 MPH down the interstate with a cruise control that won't disengage, and that's his brain.

As far as hating him goes, I encourage you to taper that off. It will end up working against you. I'm not saying don't be angry, because I don't think there's anything wrong with being angry. But if you let it get to the point where you "seriously hate him", you end up undercutting yourself, and you won't heal.